Stop Rewarding Bad Behavior

2010-07-31T10:09:00.000-05:00

Welcome back... I'm starting to find writing voice again as the closer I get to the realization of some of the things in the world being righted again.

Its funny. One or two of the most powerful lesson's I continue to learn, (not as if I forget) is that of the universe. It is most perfect state, it has a tendency to want balance, fairness, and overall equality. The interesting part of about this, is that most humans, myself included have an overwhelming need and sense of immediacy that we demand the universe provide for, and when it doesn't.. we like hurl rocks at it, because after, someone needs to make amends for 'my loss'.

The universe as part of this equilibrium will fix itself. In other words, things like revenge is a waste of time, because anything possibly think up, the universe will trump with an elegance that is second to none. The second and more startling part of this lesson is realizing you seldom get what you want.. but you always get what you need.. F me for quoting the Stones, that wasnt my intent. The point is, as humans we think we know what we want, in reality, we don't. I could dive down into the depths of choice, and how the things we choose may or may not be to please others... but quite frankly, I've only got a about 500 words in me, before I click away to another site.

Goals are fine. But there is something to be said for the surrendering a bit of yourself to the universe. Not in wreck-less manner, mind you, but more of a permission to fail. as someone whose failed at a lot things, and had some success, I almost find the failure more satisfying as it usually motivates me to either examine things in a way I never thought before, or do some much needed introspection.

This blog is almost 10 years old. Its fun to back and read some of the angriest posts. Hate blogging. OMG Fuck that. The older I Get, the stronger these ability get the more resolute I become.

2010-07-05T09:53:00.002-05:00

Its seems that I post here so far and few between or something really has to rattle me to the core to sit down and bang it out..

Most of you who've read my posts, know that from about the Middle of June til the middle of July, I have a tendancy to slip into a self reflective funk and I don't really let anyone get in or out, and I don't really care about anything except remembering the people who are now abscent from table at christmas dinner.

This year was supposed to be different, This is the closest I've come to balancing my life in so many ways, better than when this project started.. I've matured just enough to know, its not all about me, its about the past, and the present. Anyway, I've become only more rooted in trusting me, when it comes to pretty much everything, Its like my internal monologue is finally clear... I'm swayed less by external forces, and in this race for me, because If I'm not in for me, I'm not really good to anyone else.

So back to this year, and the Month of Loss, Just when the scars of had started to heal over of the past, Fate, and loss rears its ugly head. Actually I forget this is the 2nd year in a row, A truly ugly human being died in 2009, and in 2010, well, a very sad man died, maybe from shame, maybe from a broken heart.. What happens when your dad dies? What happens when your mom dies? Does this make you an orphan? I think its the responsibility of the ones that are still here to adopt you, regardless of if you already have a husband, kids, or wife, Nobody will ever love you like your parents. They infuriate the shit out of you, and make it so you don't want to speak to them for years, but at the end of the day nobody will ever love you like your parents...

Okay, wait a min... That may not be entirely true. Sometimes parents can't get the shit together, enough to be responsible enough to manage another life. fair enough.. Sometimes family is something cobbled together by the people that come into your life and stay. Sometimes that can be much more supportive than any parent.. but I digress...

So there is another person missing from Christmas dinner, or Your birthday, or coming to see you perform, the point is, they are really never gone. They live on as legends, even if its only to the people that knew them. So when looking back on their lives the biggest honor we can pay them is to never stop talking about them.

2010-01-17T10:50:00.002-06:00

The last 48 hours have been a culmination of some of the worst luck of my life. Its like the years have melted back to 2003 when I was emotionally bankrupt, and its been reminding me how easily happiness can slip away. I only hope the damage I've done is repairable. If not.. really whats the point.

2009-12-31T03:01:00.003-06:00

Yet again I find myself chasing the sheep instead of counting them. I think its high time someone wrote an insominac's love story. It should be about a man and his quest for unfettered sleep. I could make it a best seller. There so many things that are choking up the future right now from my past. Its like someone decided open the time capsule of all the cancerous poisons that have been locked away.

I might just be my own wort enemy. As you see, even when I have happiness, I alway talk myself out of it. I have no reason to be sad yet, I keep coming a dredging up the past inadvertently.

I saw my Dad in my cousin's newborn baby's eyes. What a wierd feeling. I havent told too many people this. I suspect they'd drum me out of the sane club for a trip to the looney bin.

This is such a momentous thing... I'm surrounded by people who truly love me, and want me to succeed. I'm not used to this. gone are the days' of blah blah and her army of one night stands. Lts not forget closet case, and his garage door wife..

6 years have gone by, and the smug arrogant prick still lives.. He just pays it forward more...

So much for graduating in 4 years Wiscount. I'm sure you'll read this. Fuck.. try harder to be me.. you might actually got out of tremont. Asshole.

2009-12-13T02:59:00.002-06:00

Why not dust off the the old keyboard and type something. Its been too long. Far too long not to type something about the chronic needs for the rest of the faculty.

Not bad for 2.5 weeks of moving. and doing too much remodeling.

The sounds of your secrets are louder than the crys of the past.

2006-12-02T03:56:00.000-06:00

Its 4am saturday morning, and I just got watching Clerks II, I hate to say this but seldom is a sequel better than the original. Maybe a touch hollywood, but seems like Kevin Smiith has come into his own, The long winding dialogue about senseless pop culture kinda rears up and smacks you in the face.

I am using the movie as a vehicle to write this post, I dont know why right now, I am plugged into a some music, I like the idear of insomnia... there seem to be some peace in the sleeplessness that I am feeling right now.

Things are looking up. I want the people around me to be happy, not just the symbolic happy, but the sub atomic happiness that helps one fall asleep at night. insert some silly blanket analogy here. Happpiness is warm blanket in which you can wrap yourself.

wow that such horeshit. or whoore shit.

O I seem unable to stop rewarding my own bad behavior

I would like to say I am sad. but I am not, I am more waiting, waiting for the goodness to stablize. Life has been sucking big time since 2004. Some bright spots... some great emptiness. Wow I just re-read what I just posted and I think that I need to warsh my pussi.... eeek...

So I beg the question, Where did that guy go? is he still in there? or did he die quiet death of desparation... Your only good as your last act of kindness.

This is about me... .not about you. Everytime a new rock in my mental garden is overturned and I figure out something new about me and my ablities. The feedback is overwhelmeing...

TTYL sleep comes.

2006-10-29T20:57:00.000-06:00

Here we go again.

Find a house, Rant and rave about a house, Lose a house,

Its my own damn fault. I cant even commit to a cell phone plane let alone a mortage. What a crzy weekend. From a Bad movie, (wolf creek) to wiring up a 5.1 system to my friend new big screen. To ikear, dryer installation, a trip to minooka, to a luxury overnight stay, to a keyless entry remote starter combination. Heres something that will make those ball chillin mornings better. If remmeber to turn the seats on.

WTF, I hate weak minded people. I hate copy cats. I hate people thats sole drive is to be better than me. I am nothing to be competed with, A sad loser surrounded by strong network of friends that love me, no matter how badly I screwup, putting a desk in here was the best thing I could ever done for myself here. Its a outlet again to vent into the ether of the injustice in equity that is life. the long and short of it is. FUCK YOU. get a life. Come clean about your true desires. Although what do you expect, conformity is easier than innovations.

Time to pass out... God love the non daylight savings time.

2006-10-24T00:34:00.000-05:00

So I sit here in Madison, on the 8th floor of a hotel, watching bad MTV. I need a house. I need MTV. It reminds that ended up on the deeper end of the gene pool. I forgot what a freedom this place represents... as soon as I found the new indentity, the words started to flow again.

Where to begin? This space is about breaking cycles, and recognizing that just bitching about something isnt good enough... sure letting old people get their way is okay cuz they are going to die, but it doesnt mean that they will take you with them... you have a responsiblity to remember that you will be here long after they are gone, of course you will find them in the odd mannorism, or wierd speech pattern, but thats genes, that shared concscinecous, and thats simply the way it is.

As a Travel Guide tip, Never order a pizza, that contains honey mustard, chicken and swiss cheese... I am stupid, and twisted...

on to watching to spank o vision, then fall asleeep to QVC.

Much Love to the Quacker Factory.

2006-10-22T15:38:00.000-05:00

Wow, that was fun. I am going to try and make this place a positive place to visit. on occassion I need to address shit-head latent douche bags from the past, maybe this will work.

2006-10-21T11:44:00.000-05:00

Like the new name? I do. It seem to fit better with my mental real estate. Former friends don't like this attitude. Despite all the trash talk and the nasty things that are said about me, I know this come from a place of fear, because as you round the corner to 30 your going to realize your life is EMPTY.

It has been a long established track record of mine to be the eeeevil nemesis in peoples life, Its my fault you did or dint do something because I forced your hand in life. This song and dance is tiresome. Own your actions. Because when you die, that is what they will truly judge you by.

Fuck you. Thats all about your worth. The me-so sweet and me-so innnocent trip was tired about fifteen minutes after you left it go. Meanwhile, your the biggest closet deviant that I know. News flash you fucktard.. I didnt have to say anything about you and you discredited yourself. Keep going your either end up with one italian loud mouth or the other. You managed to fuck both of them several times. and they were both stupid enough to buy you line of bullshito. I am here to let you know, that everyone knows how much of a fake, self invovled, conceited prick you are. thats right, You-so or should say me-so... The only reason you want to talk to me is because you have nobody else, Find someone else to treat with a total lack of disrespect. And just to clarify, you can date anyone you want, just be honest, and stop FUCKING PEOPLE who have Signifigant others. When you going to get it? Your going to have to move Iowa or Beruit, or Lower Butt Fuck egypt. Stories of your plague will spread, and the cool thing, I never have to breathe a word about them.

You have the odacity to call me childish, you will only stay friends with someone as long as they dont hold you responsible for you actions.

Quit spread rumors about me being gay... that so old and tired.. and look at yourself in the mirror. Oh thats right, mommie would cut you off if she knew you prefer penis to fish tacko.

2006-10-21T11:00:00.000-05:00

Its 11a on Saturday Morning, and I actually have a spot to blog freely without someone reading over my shoulder.

Where to begin?

Too much to discuss at once so I will just have to rely on stream of conscientiousness.

The depression is a constant battle, but I am managing to keep my focus. I am surprised to find out how many people still read this blog, and how many people I dont talk to anymore.

What I am trying to figure out is, I am really such a horrible person, why do you keep checking this blog? I mean really. Get a fucking life.

I re-read these posts, and I am desparately trying to figure out what the indentity for this place should be. Unlike the cowardice of others that discontinue their blogs because the dont want others to know what a hypocratic life that have become.

Tell me, you still chasing success like golden fleece at the end of the world?

Your not worth writing about anymore. I am sure our paths will cross.. Sooner than later. Its only a matter of time.

2006-10-21T00:45:00.000-05:00

Welcome to redesigned Blog.

I just spent the last 2 hours tweaking my nips.. err I mean.. This template... something different. no more soothing.. its time to shake things up a bit.

2006-05-22T00:36:00.000-05:00

I post again with a renewed sense of purpose. The writer's muse has struck my fancy again. If you go back and read this dialogue from the begining youw will find an ill tempered boy that makes no claims against his dellusion. In spite of my dellusional behavior I still figured out the difference btwneen wrong and right. Such a lofty goal and purpose this is not, more as an online journey to whatever the happiness is for the moment.

Decisions abound. My Past, present and future are about to collide...

I am comfortable with this catalysm, only because... only then, could my troubles really begin, Living without making fear the North Star of the Compass.

Fear will never rule the day.

2006-05-17T16:13:00.000-05:00

I wasnt even going to read this, but I thought what the hell, Apparently a bad friend a I be. It never ceases to amaze me how when people dont get what they want the extent they will goto:

Apparently I am the problem, which I knew... its nice to know that is just been confirmed by one of the most honest, loyal and caring friends I know.

Heres to you,

I knew this musta have been tough to write, Breaking the "I am the nice guy persona" to tell enumerate the reasons why its my fault I got tired of your lies.

The following was sent to several of my email addresses. I choose not to respond.. but i will post it here for the world to decide how big of an ahole I am.

Subject:Final Closure-If you delete then a coward and can not face the truth!

Dude,

Well I heard from the Grapevine that the Friendship is over with! That was your choice and not mine.. I was willing to work on it, but you did not act adult like to talk about it except for reamining me a new a--hole and talk about my past. I understand that I lied to you about things in the past and recently with things about your cousin. After that I learned my lesson and stopped. I even told you that I would. But your big f---ing hang up is you always judge people by what they did and never ever give them the chance to change. Heck I could have changed and you would never even know it..... You are always so quick to judge people right off the bat... I hate to tell you something but you do not have the right to do that. And you always wanted to know what something's that bugged me about you. Fine I will let you know them now. One, you are not always right about everything, and you sure in the hell don't have the right to think you know everything. The main one is you are so quick to give advise but you will never take it.... You need to sit the f--k down and look in the mirror and figure out your own life before you can help people decide what to do with theirs. You are using life as a cop-out and blaming everyone else for your problems. For example the work thing, I hate to tell you but you left so you have no right bitching and moaning about vacation time and saying the need to give you all your benefits back. Sorry the world does not revolve around SCOT, they do not need to give you what you want. You left and came back, so face it you where a new employee. So sit down and figure out your life and not live your life through everyone else... You are so afraid of things that you always say I am going to run to PA, well that is your choice and I hate to say it but I think you are scared to do it. And when you did call yourself a friend, friends trusted each other with things and only said them to each other and promised not to let those things out. Hell then I take it you have not been a friend for a long time. You have no right speaking for me about me! I am trying to forget about my past and move on.. But lord know's that Scot only dowels on the past and never leaves it alone. S--t and I love how you talk bad about someone and then become their bestest friend. You are a two timing bastard! All you like to do is cause conflict in people lives and sorrow! I also know that you like to have people on the inside to keep and eye on your enemies. Which I hate to say is so damn "Childish" GROW UP!

I am saying this cause even though you say the friendship is done, I will always be here if you need me or if something goes wrong. I never kick my friends to the curb. I still care for you as a very good friend but you need to figure things out on your own. And maybe this is a window opening showing you, that maybe it is you and that is why friendships go bad.

I wrote this not to make you mad but to open your eyes to reason! But I know you don't listen to reason, unless it is scot's reason.

Have a good life and if you never talk to me again, well that is your choice not mine.

2006-04-05T18:18:00.000-05:00

Wow long time no post. It happens I guess. I sound like a really vendictive person. I know I do, but If you met the people that I grew up with you would understand. Its really scary when you wake up one day and realize that you were such a fool to trust. I have no friends... 4 years and no evolution. Hahaha... actually I have no friends out of choice not because of some pyschosis.

2005-11-27T23:01:00.000-06:00

I went running down the hallway and I jumped into the mirror, On the other side, things seemed much more like they should be. There was no pain there... and all the things wrong were made right again. The problem is I was taking a shower in this alternative place and I was sucked back into the problems of what I once left. YOU STUPID WHORE... You lied more that BLAH BLAH... that takes talent. Success makes you fat I hear... Funny it had the the reverse effects on me.

I am here, I am alive, and I wonder, how many lies is your truth based on? What lies more can tell? Mommie was right, Once a liar always a liar.

2005-11-14T22:10:00.000-06:00

I want to goto sleep tonight and not think of the pain of yesterday.
I want to goto sleep tonight and not think of the wasted yesterdays
I want to goto sleep tonight and forget about today.
I want to goto sleep tonight and wake up to a bright new tomorrow.
I want to goto sleep tonight and wake up next to you.

2005-06-22T23:45:00.000-05:00

So you may laugh at me, but I just went to see herbie fully loaded. I reminded me how much of my life I wasted on chasing after the acceptance of other people. I forced somenoe to write a list of what they reallly wanted to focus their energy in that posistion. Quite frankly I know what I want its just so utter impossible at this slice of time to see through the haze that I left settle of my heart. What if everyone figures out I am completely full of shit. I dont know any better than the rest of you fucks.... reeally I dont. .... Eventually everyone tires of me and longs for me to go away. Full of shit I am. Full of shit I be. I am 30 and I have nothing to show for it. My friends are splintered and scattered to the wind. My own family can barely tolerate me. I recently let go of some anger that was over a decade old. And I think I am still reeling from it. How to deal with someone as petty and childishness rivals my own. The moon is full tonight. I beg the moon's indulgence to make things right again. Back to a time where things were good and a new. Before the Scamdals before the betrayl before the I allowed blah blah to poison my life. I clamor... What it be like if eveyone was still here. lets turn back the clock ten years. I wanna to keep the knowledge I have now though, I wouldnt be laying in my childhood bed on a wirless keyboard stairing my tv. I would someplace else, Thanking my blessing for not fucking the last decasde up. Death would be an easy exit here on the on ramp of life, but I know the rules.. Iican hang out here for a while... meanwhile I feel I slowly feel my spirit dying inside my body. I dont ask for people to pity me pity is overated. I ask for the indulgence to just be. Stop trying to clamour for their attnetion you ahole.... dont force your agenda on them. dont you get it. Driving around tonight with the windos open at speeds that are just fun I kept thingking less painful lonelyness is when its a constant. I beg for the patience to realize why I am still here. Or not. this would be funny if it were so trus, I am like a giant sponge and I am willing to take our pain away just so you can be free and lieave without intruding in life. I just paused in my head and relived a moment the is ye t to happen. IYou going to wathc this blog pain aattention for the clues the clues of what I know to be true

another skip in time this time My life has spilled out onto the deck... below it was like a cheese for better or worse, we have a blank about people chocie, Good night, I miss you

night...

2005-06-21T22:40:00.000-05:00

Its official I am going to hell. I have learned so much of the torture that I put hairy through in the last months of our relationship. No wonder she opted out for Downsy Mogoloid and his bad of crazy critters... Although the Setup I had her find was truly fun and exciting but thats why I am here today. There is this growing trend of mmy computer not being anything like it once was. I picked up a wireless mours/keyboard combo so now I can lay in bed in type... no desk... stay in bed. I have learned more about the fucked up logic that is mean in the last 60 days than I learned in five years. experience is a great teacher too baad she lied about some things. Anyway I also came to another conclusion which I will only allude to here... a change is in the works. hopefully I will qualify and I will survive the them all. talk to you later.....

2005-06-08T21:52:00.000-05:00

A Mirror is more honest to oneself, Than a photograph.

Things I was able to accomplish:
I erased all contact with Hairy, and Mogoloid Boy.
All that remains are some scandalous mpegs. (Ebay anyone?)

I went home I realized that I need to go back permanently.
I now get it. I am supposed to be there and not here. I am usch a horrible person that the lvoe of my life cheated on me. Htheee thats what I used to think. More like I was lied to because Hairy didnt know any better. I guess mommie/ shakes the clown was right.yikes.

It doesnt matter. Maybe it does. Nothing like 20 hours in the car to make you feel alive again. This trip much like the computer parts was rather cathardic... i took all the broken pieces of my life put them back together and gave them a new veneer. Staples is slowy becoming my favorite office supply store. They are like OfficeMAx used to be many years ago. (before that Black guy with the lopsided afro... I am not getting that marketing concept are you? Filling out the randomizer this week was a Dvm calin me and asking if I am in IL I am.... she said good i need to call you later. I am not sure waht that is all about. I need to sleep. this is a good night to go inot a coma. not comma, coma. Eeek! hope you enjoyed it. I konw I didnt. Fucko.

2005-06-06T12:35:00.000-05:00

Heres a switch even that shell is gone now. Its clear to me that I know now what I need to do. I deleted you out of my phone book and your mongoloid headed boyfriend as well. Pork out with your Bad self.

2005-05-22T10:18:00.000-05:00

Well its been over a year since I had my own functional computer. and I finally got on e up and running. Cathardic as it was to bulid it was a metahpor for my life. My old computer as it was great at the time, all the components worked together and they got the job done, however disfunctional in the end it was. I qet it now. well much like those old components are so was my iife is now, my shell is all here but what makes up me is now no longer the same. It is true I got a good spirtual kick to me head today. Actually more of a reminder of who I once was and now longer am. I guess it was a good thing as destroyed as I was after I heard it coming thats usuallly how the oracle strikes... too close to the truth about my need get ou here is. find me more lies later.

2005-05-07T21:19:00.000-05:00

I feel a was more than a little remiss in speaking of of my sojurn to Champana. I forget what a fountain of positive energy the DVM is, I forgot how health it can be to drive across Illinois at great speeds. I don't think DVM knows how much of a positive impact she continues to have on my life. Without getting too sappy, She is a great ally and I am honoured to be considered a contemporary. I think back to our rocky beginings and how much of an Ahole I can be at Vodkas first grip. Yet through all of that we have managed to tay friends. In examing my relationships with other people, I am trying to isolate the good ones, and irradicate the old ones. Its true that when someone only lives up the road that when they are gone you miss them the most. I am glad we are friends. Across this last year of discovery, she has always been the supportive voice of the phone, reminding that just because everyone around you is FUCKED Up... and you see the imbalace and they dont doesnt make you the fuct up one. Anyway, I apologize for summing my Champanga experience just down to bad mexican. There as cheap drinks... and Swing Dancing... (MUAHAAHAA) those of you know me cant imagine me dancing I know. I have a lot of potential energy, all I can say is watch out when it goes kinetic.

I hate my job. I was denied a promotion because I was not qualified, But I am now answering questions, and training the person whom got promoted, Adding insult to injury... I was also told I could not apply for other posistion, A year of solitary confinement for I, Its really rather pathetic.

I used to think that love is an unreal concept. I had to convince myself last time I was in love, so I am what you could say a less than adovcate. Another very wise friend has fallen in love, and is extremely hAppy. So much so that This person is going move to the other end of the country. I am sad to see the departure of this person I realize why it is the journey must be taken. This person deserves a lifetime of happiness.. They have devoted their life to the happiness of others and not even though of themselves. More to come on this,

Hmmmm... Got a hold of the Nitwits xanga addy mysterously its been taken down. I figured I was supposed to find it. After all he took this blog changed the names and repacked as his own. Tonight the words just seems to pour out of me. I am a little kid with hurt feelings and I am very alone. I enjoy alone. I can start to work on the novella that I need to write. All of you will get a chapter. I started titling them out a while a ago... the most poignant I can not mention here. Type fast I do, for I wish my brains throughput would matchs my hands speed in typing. I need to write more. I can not wait to sit on the front porch with laptop in lap and muse.... Who the fuck am I kidding.

Pork up Porky.. 1.5 years til you will be a size 24... HURRRAH!!!

2005-05-01T10:05:00.000-05:00

Okay I know imitation is supposed to be the best form of flattery, but This is ridicoulous. I just read something that literally makes me want to vomit. My former posts about Hair changed around because someone broke up with ther "wife" I am impresed it only took 2.5 years to figure out what bad path she was headed down. I read this persons pontification and I was like, holy shit if I sound like this put a fork in me I am done. I was supposed to find this blog, it was time. He is trying to rebuild a superhigway that he tore down. Its not that easy, and I would like to think I that I had some cause in his demise, but for once the universe has taken care of this imbalance.

I was the demon, and now that I no longer "influence" his life, and things are still fuct up He had to turn on his wife, what a sad, pathetic thing, I am not feeling any sypathy, because he must be responsible for his own actions, he threw away his family, and his source of income, because he was trying to make a stand in a very Dohman sort of way. In his mind he is the Alpha he is the Omega, in reality he is nothing more than a moon of Alpha, Omega, Cold, Dead and empty, and sucking energy off of those around him.

I know he thinks I took his cash cow away, that his family that used to shower him in present now shower me, Well he has it only half right, they shower me, but its not in presents, its in love and support, but its good, because its reciprocal. I am nor sure if he reads this and if does great, because unlike others, Poopfish, who needtd to take their indentity down for fear that the medicrity would be known by all I share it all, the good the bad, and the shitty.

By the way... Rumble Bee..... find your own godamn style. I didnt copy anybody, I am me. you fucktard. I am not angry at you, I dont feel sad for you i dont feel anything for you. I was willing to share Tremont, and you werent. I do nothing but live my life and take responsiblity for my actions. Grow up, or do you wanna be empty inside for the rest of your life, Follow the path of your father, mediocrity is the easier goal to acheive because, when you fail... theres always someone or someething else to blame it on.

2005-04-27T23:30:00.000-05:00

Okay so it was brought to my attention that this world is messed up. Not that i didnt know it already. I wish i knew which direciton was up,,,,

2005-04-19T12:19:00.000-05:00

Dont eat at Qudobo They SUCK!!!

Heres what I submitted to their customer comment line:

I just wanted to say that I had the WORST experience EVER at your Champaign IL restarant this Sunday. I ordered a Naked Burrito with extra Salsa and 3 Steak Tacos (Hard Shell) Plain with cheese and 3 cheese queso sauce, and I ordered it for delivery. First of all, The restaurant did not answer their phone the first three times we called (each time the phone rang at least 10 times) and when we finally did get an answer we they took the order, it took almost an hour and half to get the food and when we did it was not only COLD but the order was missing half. No Queso on the Taco, No Queso with the Medium order of chips, and The tacos were soft shelll. We called to complain and when we did the store representitive and he said oops, "I should have told you we dont delivery hard shell tacos... Sorry, " and in repsonse to the cheese, He said someone will bring it to you.. We waited for over an hour and half, and NOTHING....

This was my first experience with your restaurant chain, and let assure you I will be telling all of my friends to avoid ALL of your restaraunts because of the lack of service, and lack of value for the food,

Our bill was $20.00 for what amounted to Cold tacos, a cold burrito, and stale Chips with no sauce, and a promise to fix an order that was never fulfilled. As being someone who works in customer service for a living, If treated my customers the way I was treated, I would not retain very many customers.

A Very Disspointed First time Customer,
Domhan Solus

2005-04-10T11:00:00.000-05:00

I dont know how this came about but I was going to title this post END TIMES. Something has been weighing on my mind as of late. I posed this question to a couple of friends and they just looked at me as if I was going off in one of my crazy fits of rage. The end times are here albeit not exactly as we thought they would be, I mean there has been no dramatic fire and Brimstone per se but there has been some happenstance that would like me to believe the supreme one (Higher Diety not the pizza) is about ready to call our number.

I was searching ebay last night very late and I came across a truly disturbing post. People actually sell used Enenma/Douche bags for anal/vagina/rectal irrigation. EEEEWWWAAAA... thats just nasty, and this coming from someone who was given a copy of Granny Gang Bang 72 Yikes.

This post started to be funny when I was thinking about it but its a couple of days old, and I am not quite in the mood to be funny.
I am not sure what in am in the mood for. Things have taken a turn for the interesting when it comes to things. Patsy refuses to let go of the people in my life that I just dont want to have part of it anymore, and it makes it really hard. I finally found the chink in the armour of a close friendship. Never call this person ont their actions even though they might be obvious beause the will lash out at you and say some pretty hurtfully brutal things. As with all things I just asmilate into what matters and move on....
So this weekend I present a challenge to myself. My goal is not to randomly sleep 15 or more hours in a single stretch. I leaving town for the weekend. well not really the weekend more like 24 hours... It should be nice... The land of Orange and Blue. Woo Who... I should come back recharged and seeing the world in a new light. I like a good emotional kick to the head sometimes.

2005-04-03T20:33:00.000-05:00

Fuck it.......

2005-04-03T01:23:00.000-06:00

A late night check-in here. It has been a truly bizarre week. I lost a promotion I didnt really want, and I have officially sank into a depression. I think we I sleep 14.5 hours in a day that constitutes a deep depression. I have decided though, I do not think I am going to talk about this, this time with anyone. Nobody wants to hear it, most of all myself.
The phone just rang its awesome how prejudiced Patsy is about my life, If she knew that the person on the other calling was her favorite grand niece things would be well, she came trapsing out of her bedroom to let me know she was displeased... and I am supposed to feel something other than contempt for her.
I have yet again left someone else in my life overide the direction that I need to be in. I am amazed at how spineless I have become. As the crow flys I find it interesting that My boss would goto any extent to sabotage a entire business channel at my company, I get the feeling that she knows she has done wrong and is waiting for my retrobution. Something that will never come, thats awfully petty. I love when someone wrongs you and they act differently because there is an assumption made that you will seek revenge. That again is very overated. Effects of decisions like this are felt for years to come. I received the message, Loud and Clear. Ty raid over. In a recent conversation with DVM we talked about her feelings on Garden State. I found it interesting she assigned such little value to the message it protrayed because it was too much like the people she knew. I can respect that, and It could just be that I am a drama addict, I dunno.
I drove around tonight after my 14.5 hours of sleep. I was awake for about 10 minutes because I did talk to my new insurance sales person friend about ducks, and other such oddities.

In the hallways of my mind there blows a draft, Cold and stinging, The more I turn up the Theromstat the harder the wind seems to drift across the floor. Its almost as if the cold air is nothing more than the negative thoughts that are slowly becoming who I am, I wonder how long it will take for me to completely dissappear into the inky blackness of a cool spring night. On the surface I would miss it, and maybe even be missed.
Who knows... Only the truly tortured souls get recognition when they pass. PLEASE DO NOT WORRY ABOUT ME. I am not planning on doing anything
"stupid" Its merely an observation. I know the rules now, and I need to play by them. What the hell that means for sure I dont know.
I almost made a really big mistake and got this promotion something that would have driven me farther away from where I need to be. "Stop taking the path of least resistance" DVM is good for the shockabooku..(spritual kick to head) but heres another barn burner for ya: We are our own reality. what we says goes. apart for societial rules, We define who the gets center stage... our scared 6 year old versions of ourselves. or the grownup that is dead and numb from barriers that are a result of burying every dream and aspiration in the backyard we all the former pet goldfish.

In retrospect, I wasnt that bad. I set the whole thing up You know what I mean. Stories are created. I needed to know what your truth was, and I did. I wanted to flush you out. Give your persmission to allow success to be your ruse. I know you still read this. You check it weekly. Its like a drug to you... you did with the X FLIP and you will do it with me. Suprising is not something your capapable of. You have no idea of what class is? When you figure out trading up for the next model is kinda sad because your going to be 48 on a baby farm and divorced because your spouse knows your nuts.
To my faithful readers, I am sorry for those who come here and read my words and have to thinkI am bitter, Its not really me, but the little things that are sent to me on behalve of a Former interest, We broke up because of her Cheating, Lying, and otherwise Whoring aroud... her idea of success was opening her legs for any guy that would promise a rich lifestyle.
Why do I revist this? because much like Blah Blah, I think that The universe will unfold as it needs and you will be barren, Alone, and wondering why you can find truth, because after 23 years of deception your the only one that was truly decieved.

2005-03-26T21:47:00.000-06:00

Well the big 3 0h has come and went. Pretty anti climatic... I realized something today as I was driving around running errands for my uncle. I have successfully alienated myself to the rest of the world I find more comfort staying home on a saturday and licking my proverbial wounds. I have come to a couple of discoveries of late. I am yet again paring off my "friends" because they add no value, oh shit who I am kidding, its more like they a paring me away from being value added, read that last line it seems as if I wrote a training manual of this.

Does everyone have a favorite childhood hot dog stand they go to when they want to relive the past? I cant help but get hungry and go up the block and get a "Tommy's Special" 2 hotdogs frys and a large drink for 4 bucks... I am getting old because I remember when it was 1.50 YIKES
and the fries were not frozen but real potatoes.

Another random musing is that the moon look rather full. Its kinda funny.... Much work to do tonight or should I say much work to undo? you be the judge? Does anybody read this? I am curious...

I did get a pardon from causing someone to ballon up I found out... long since I was gone... maxium density has been achieveed.

2005-03-04T10:35:00.000-06:00

Early Morning Checkin with the Oracle greeting me Got a pen and paper? Knowing the Oracle she could have been giving me a list of reasons why Feta Cheese is healthy for you, or the list of Fastest Cars she's beaten with Devine, (her Eldorado) or Simply reasons why people or just stupid. STUPID... Well the answer is E none of the above.... she wanted me to hear a quote, from the latestest DEAN KOONTZ book she was reading.(READING IS STILL FOR LOSERS) any the quote,

Sometimes there is no Darker Place than our thoughts: The Moonless Midnight of Our Mind

I had a bit of a chuckle because this is close to my post about Garden State the other night. Anyway.... thought that was to the point... I also found out that I need to be more susurrant in my pontifications of these endeavors while didlgent efforts go unnoticed.

2005-03-03T20:05:00.000-06:00

Yet another instance of being correct. I love it.

2005-03-03T12:49:00.000-06:00

Okay a co-worker forwarded this to me, and All I could think was who that I know would do something like this:

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words

back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the testimonials of a few

people who did....

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing
for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store
that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler
decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go. He said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes
with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly
choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants andsat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2
days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future,likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

So I challenge this: Who else has real life stories like this?

2005-03-02T22:32:00.000-06:00

I just watched a movie that quite possibly summed up how I feel about life. Garden State.
Maybe it was the underlying theme of Death, and dying which in reality is that we are all dying. Beyond the biological sense, We watch our dreams slip into this monochormatic dark inky blackness. And we wonder why we wake up and head for the medicine cabinet to choke down our daily dose of PAXIL, Or Zoloft, or Tadaafil(hehee figure that one out)
I was laying in bed watching this movie, and the electric blanket wasnt helping the fact that I had a chill shake me from the inside. Just like yesterday when I realized I am no longer obligated to fix anyone anymore.
And THAT is such a wierd feeling... but back to Garden State. I have a tendancy to ignore the actors and look right through into the seoul of the peace. I hope its not too late to wake up from this nightmare. Emblazened in my heart are feelings of what is like to be loved, and what it is like to love, Its like a love story that shouldnt never been told, and I sit here in the darkness and I realize that I am crying... I am not exactly sure why or whose tears they are but they feel good on my sore and swollen eyes. It has been so long since these have had a a good cry, not over some movie, but over someone. Myself. I give myself permission to let go for the evening. Realize that I Its okay to be human I can breathe once again. The harder I try to stop these tears the harder they flow. Uncontrolled sobbing is not far off, but neither is laughter, I think it ironic that they are so close to being the same. Back to this post; and back to the Garden State., its really not about New Jersey. Its about the how our lives are like gardens; If you let weeds grow in your garden, it will choke out all that is beautiful in the world, and in order to have beauty there must be rain, and with rain comes with dark clouds... But those clouds... they give way to the sun, and life, and almost limitless love; that love must come from within; because only love found internally d will find a love that will last an eternity.

2005-02-27T22:34:00.000-06:00

Hmmmm.... is anybody watching the oscars? I bailed I thought it was a bit trifly. Is that even a word? I thought a better use of the time would be to watch Shaun of the Dead. Good Fucking flick. Its been a while since I saw a really good movie.

I think I am undergoing a bit of cataclysmic emotional shift currently. I no longer do things because I have "to" I do things because I want to. It is a good thing A turning point in my life. 30. and I will get to spend it at home. shhh... this should be good. I think at least the trip is still in the works I dont know if It will happen or not. Worries aside.

I almost frivolously spent 500 bucks today on a laptop. I couldnt do it. It was kinda strange. I could justify buying this machine because I am w/o a computer. currently and I would like to have an electronic home.

Ahh yes I could have bought a lesser machine for a mere 200 bucks, A steal none the less. But not what I wanted.
Now I shop ebay. Hopefully there will be something there... maybe maybe not? What else is going on in the world. It was a good weekend. Lots of Poker, Lots of poop, and lots of stories of growing old. I miss my front porch, and midnight trips to walmart. The sinking walmart. And the truck stop. Truck Stops are cool, Well this 31 year old travel plaza has been in operation as long as I am alive, much like me it took a year off of existence. Anyway the new name of this joint is Gooseberry Farms. Its kinda funny. The owners are former classmates of my mom;s in fact this classmate has the hots for my still to this day..... YIKES.... anyway. I guess I am off to ebay.

2005-02-21T14:22:00.000-06:00

Okay I was checking out the wannabe... and she had this post... About Wineee People and I had to say this:

- AMEN.

Okay, Gen X is now entering their 30's and I know we were bad... but they GEN Y and BEYOND>>>>make the slacker (US) generations look like a bunch o workhorses... I ask you to ponder this. Have you ever noticed that anything that was mysterious, ie Vet School, getting an Undergrad etc... was made out to be harder than it really was? Do you think its human nature to make things seem harder than they are so they get alot of good Pub/Self Praise.

First you should probably read the Time Article... or else there will be an issue with the telephone game Parents are making Children Cry babies

What do you think? the last thing I wanted to be was one of those Bitchy Baby Boomers who complained about everything and everyone that wasnt born durring their time (1945to 1960) If you want to make some generational comparsions think about them? Its going to be up to us and Gen Y to support these santamonious Bastards...(heeHEee) I liket that term, see more about Starwars and our friend George Lucas... you may scroll a bit... to read about starwars.... read the comment.

2005-02-20T23:16:00.000-06:00

Okay I just changed my template. I like this look... it coveys an amount of peace that I seek.. or it could be that I just am driving to be closer than the ocean... It does have lighthouses... maybe this is my attempt to be beacon... of truth... HAHAHAHAHA!! okay insanity? I know it needs tweeking.. but what do you think?

2005-02-20T22:24:00.000-06:00

Wow what a wierd weekend.

Self Exile... maybe... maybe not. It was wierd I jumped in the truck and took off. Oh, I forgot I have to say suv because its really not a truck. anyway I found myself outside my last house. The apartment.... house... and I realized that I am spiraling out of control. I called an old friend and as luck would have it she already had plans. It was weird being in Dekalb again. I had no purpose to be there, It was funny to see the merit that has earned the little hamlet of St.Charles light. thats what its like now... complete with a mini best buy... a best buy for mini me. Something about rocketing at 85 miles an away down country roads makes you realize that there are more important things that centerfuge tables, customer updates and Dipshit Obtuse bosses. I feel like I am defending my life and all the choice that contain it. I have shocked myself. I finally called someone on their hypocracy. Poor Little Mimbo. Cant handle when the heat gets turned up so he will continue to the next party that will tell him how great he is. Time to clean house again. By May I will be back home. I hate this place. I hate all it stands for. My biggest allies here will underestand that I am not supposed to be here. or Maybe not supposed to be at all. This blog is a refuge to me. I appreciate all the scholarly people who read me.
I was speaking to prolly my biggest advocate from a far. and She is always good to talk to. I have a plan and I tired of my life being tennative. As for you and your strega... Piss off. No Really. Lets talk about time. I live now. I live only now. Soon I will not live. Prophecy this is not. Will is what I lack. energy is what you have fed on me. I ramble too much meds... Will you still love me when its over? assuming that you do love me? I never say that to anyone because when I do its over.

2005-02-16T20:30:00.000-06:00

One week. Totally sick... No voice. I bet you would love that. I was told not to speak for two days. Yeah right. who are we kidding. I can whisper.

2005-02-14T20:16:00.000-06:00

Been a while since the last post. I am sick as a dog. After Patsy going into the hospital for a week I came down with a flu the night I brought her home. I tried self medicating and I took today and possibly tomarrow off. This is kicking my ass. So much for Valentines Day.

2005-01-28T09:42:00.000-06:00

Its wierd to think that this blog is almost 2 years old. Track back through the archives and this thing started as a random place to muse. Then a place to share, then a place to lick my wounds. I happy to announce that the only thing I am licking now is the salt off the rim of my margahrita glass. I guess its time to grow up. I must be having one of those I am turning 30 things going on in my head. Yawozaaa what the hell is that. I am still me and I am still as crazy as ever. I am just a little bit more grounded in the way I go about things. The past decade has been crazy. I remeber when My dad died, and I thought to myself. I wonder what the world has in store for me? I am supposed to be here? why would I stop to think this you wonder? I dunno. I have lived, and I have loved. I learned alot from people. I once thought that my life had no meaning. Well I figured it out. There are a few people that have taught me more about life than I could ever express. Some of those lessons have been hard to learn. I think I need a broader audience for this forum. There is two specific people that read this blog and dont have the guts to post anything. Its SAD. Deciet is an awful thing. I can only hope that the same befalls you someday. Naa... its not worth it.. life is too short. You wil have your own cross to bear, and I have a pretty good idea what that will be. The Sun will come up tomorrow. It will rise, and Today is the best day to start something new and meaningful.
I want to thank all those people that supported me in the last year. Without your support I prolly wouldnt be here. I would still be in Dekalb Broken hearted and Wondering what I did wrong to cause this collapse of reality. I have the answer to that. NOTHING. I did nothing. and thats what is unfortunate. I have a great sense of self-preservation, and I think thats why I am here today. Bahz Lerhmann said it best, when he said... the race is long, sometimes your ahead, sometimes your behind, when its all said and done the race is with yourself.

2005-01-24T22:29:00.000-06:00

So nobody asked what was up with the name change. Luna Strega inspired it. I was up late last night and I stumble upon a old Celtic Dictionary. Domhan Solus... Talus Moon. I find it funny that both Luna Strega and I both choose the moon to bay at. Hmmmm... You will have to figure her translation on your own.

2005-01-24T22:06:00.000-06:00

I received a annon. Comment on one of my old posts. Asking about time. What would like to know? I believe time is not a linear concept. The best way to describe time is something that is more like a ethereal haze that encompasses our reality. Couple this somewhat different version of time and I think It allows a rational explanation why people that have passed can communicate back to the "other side" Because when you pass I think its a acceptable concept to believe that the kintergarten concept of time that as mortals we cling to is chucked for the true notion. Imagine the ability to goto any momement in time, without incumberance. Goto the moment of your birth, and see it, goto your first kiss, your first day of school etc.

I dont know if I would say I was intellegent, most people may disagree with that notion. while others would agree. I like to look at reality skewed. This spin on reality is what has gotten me in trouble as of late.

Those of you who watch TV. and Know me. I pose a question.. Medium. Art immitating life or Life immitating art?

So my annon. Commentor, Leave me your indentity, that is unless I already know you and your trying to bate me into a discussion. I can have dinner with bannana hands if I want. So go spend 600 dollars for his self help cds. I can meet him first hand. Arent you satisfied with the results of your plunder. I need to thank you. You gave me the freedom of not having to support someone in my greatest time and need, The albatross is truly yours now, and I dont need or want it back. Invest in a home waxing kit, maybe that will get you past the treasure trail. YIKES.

If my annon. Commentor is truly a contemporary of Ultra concentrated KMl , I aplogize whole heartedly, your comment was in a vane, much like a a former acquaintence, that lacks morales, and generally fancies himself an extremely intellegent person, I would never impune his intellgence, It could be considered more Rainman like.

So my annon. Commentor Open up the curtain and reveal you indentity.

2005-01-21T23:58:00.000-06:00

Okay I know I am total pizza snob but this takes the cake.... according to a poll on MSN the best pizza in Philadelphia is..... Pizza Hut... as being from the Epicenter of Pizza. and Have such great Zas to get at one sitting. PIZZA HUT? Are you disturbed?

2005-01-21T13:33:00.000-06:00

Big Five Word Test Results

Extroversion (81%) high which suggests you are overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense too often of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.
Friendliness (52%) medium which suggests you are moderately kind natured, trusting, and helpful while still maintaining your own interests.
Orderliness (25%) low which suggests you are overly flexible, random, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense too often of structure, reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment.
Emotional Stability (43%) moderately low which suggests you are worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.
Openmindedness (62%) moderately high which suggests you are intellectual, curious, imaginative but possibly not very practical.

Take Free Big Five Word Choice Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

2005-01-18T11:14:00.000-06:00

They say time heals All Wounds.

I have tendancy to believe them. I am feeling optimistic as of late, which is something new for me. Driving to work today I put my life into prospective, I had another friend dissappoint me again yesterday. I am getting tired of this. I guess I need to make better choices in friends. I really sound like the Dennis's when I say this but I really think the only person you can count on is yourself. Small minded red-neck voice checking in today apparently. YIKES... Driving to work this morning I also realized how small my car is. It seemed much bigger than before. All I can say is I love stick shift.
I want to leave town for the weekend. I miss Friday night movie night at the Uncles, and I miss Chicken Parm subs.

Why do people intentionally hurt people? I just dont get it.

In other news

Theres a couple of cool blogs I have tripped over, I was randoming surfing, and I came across them..
The Complainer --
I read this and almost fell off my chair.

Time Matters --
Another blog that I stumbled on. I like it because its insightful, and down to earth at the same time. I have posted on some of the more interesting topics, causing a sexist war because I claim that women control men via sex, and that married people are inheriently unhappy.

Does anybody read this? I am kinda bummed I never get any comments.

2005-01-11T10:13:00.000-06:00

Time for some great thoughts.

I hate the thought of having resolutions but here goes:

1. I resolve that when someone hurts me that I will let them know instead of walking away. While emotionally it is much eaiser to cut someone out. The I think the trade of immediate pain is worth the long-term closure.

2. I am more open to opportunities to let things Go. If I cant control it let it go. Easier said than done.

3. I aspire actually live here, and not try to transfix myself in Tremont. Again eaiser said than done.

4. I am not going to put up these angery bitter posts. They do nothing except make me relive the hurt every time I read them.

5. I am going to accept love into my heart. Love for myself. love for others. and for once, take my own needs into account when I do something for others.

6. I want to be a less judgemental friend. I argue this point helplessly. when the people around you do stupid things I always support then lambast, I need to better @ support and drop the lambast.

7. Blog more. I feel much better after I write.

8. Take classes, this time for something I enjoy. Look out SC! Hopefully I will have a partner in crime to play off of.
9. Realize that when someone hurts you they are really hurting themselves. Allowing someone to shape their own destiny.... shouldnt be my concern.
10. Spend time talking about something more meaningful with people, Talk more about ideas than the people and how those ideas shape reality.

11. Visit home more often. Apreciate simplicity. embrace my future and because when I look behind me. I am already further than I thought I could be.

2005-01-09T04:04:00.000-06:00

Yawl have to check out the new profile.....

Especially the question...

I am looking for new pic... hopefully soon.

2005-01-09T03:28:00.000-06:00

It's time for your coming out party, Pisces. Please schedule this tenderly shocking passage for sometime in the next three weeks: your emergence from the shadows, your escape from the past, your repudiation of volunteer slavery, your graduation from the amateur ranks, or your liberation from a persona that doesn't suit you any more. Do it with a sly and artful ritual of transgression or do it with an exuberant burst of joyful release, but do it. The future is calling you too loudly to resist any longer.

ripped from freewill astrology... I think this is too funny. Its 330a and I am reading my horoscope... I got your message kimmie! Thanks for the cool link to these really thoughtful horoscopes! I thnk the exclaimation point is highly under used!!!!!
See!
Oh SIGI!
~~~the following for was TAGALOG for OH MAN!

2005-01-08T03:28:00.000-06:00

Wow two post such little time.

I cant sleep. This is a first. usually I am so tired my head hits the pillow and I am out. New DVD carousel makes late night movies easier to watch. Choked down two days after last week.. or for you normal people The day after tomarrow. Yikes. The first time I saw I can remeber rooting for the storm.. Actually We did. It was kinda distrubing because One of the Scottish Scientist was also the campaign manager in Primary Colors. Another on my filler movie list, In the DVD realm I found it necessary to buy another addition to my rack... Bringing the total discs upto 158... Not bad for one year... but when you buy them 3 at a crack... What can I say. but YIKES!

Enough of that shit. I say. I wanted to post something happy and there is something. This holiday season came and went I am glad to still be here, While I would rather be in Tremont. It clear whatever is keeping me here has a while longer to cook. I sometimes think Dear ole mum is not the only one I have to support. Its like I go away for a week and reason who really misses me. Not that I am all that important but its good to have a bit of the george bailey thing going on once in a while. It 33oam and because of the foot of snow that fell here, Its as bright as 630am. Which is fucking up sleep shedule I think. either that its all the caffiene I had right before bed... Fuck that... I am not so old that I have to lay off the caffiene more like I just need to take more tylenol pm... or as I have grown to know it benadryl. What to do next... I wonder this weekend is starting to fizzle already. Damnit... I need a weekend of excess. Lots of excess. I so wanted to hang out with Kimmmieeee this weekend, actually holiday week and that never quite materialized. I was really quite touched when I was reading other blogs and noticed that she has a link fo r this page on hers... That made me laugh... I thought this space for for my own tortured soul and have nobody else read it... ITs not like this crap is any good. Its stream of consciencousness thought that means nothing in the grandious scheme of life its more like kindergarten sand box play. I mean I have read her stuff, as well a her friends and to be counted among some more polished well read people suprises me. When I am feeling truly lost I dig up some blue and read about the immortal candle party. and the several bottle of Merlot that were prescribed to Kill the pain. Wow that seems so long ago, and I think how different I am now yet I am still the same in many ways.

Refering to my last post, I have to think that there is something I would never be and that is well read. Not that that is a bad thing I just wish the clutter in my head would straighten itself up as if I could make room to move my files where they need to be. Reading is too much of an orderly discipline. Discipline I see to have in short supply. I was giving serious thought about becoming a writer full time. I think comedy is where I need to be. Or least in radio. I have to do something about this. I had an ephinay (spelling sucks here get used to It) and I decided I could be as funny as any of these hacks in Chicago Radio. I am waay funnier than MANCOW, and well Howard Stern was be retiring soon, I think I could carry that torch... Its just to figure out how 2 get2 there from here. My one link to radio was broken six years ago, I dont think I want to repair it.
I think I need to develop an act... and try an open mic night. I think after I relocate, I am going to have to go take classes at 2nd city. After all if the self involved bitchy Head Case Angela can have her own production company, and star in her own show, then well. So can I, I have much more talent that her, and I just need an outlet this energy, my talents are being wasted, and I feel like I need to do something. An Actor? maybe prolly not though, I loved improv. I unlocked my "tortured" soul into and let my mind run free. Yeah I think thats it... writer, poet, artistian.
Poor GTP... thought he was doing a good job of things. Caught him in another lie... I wonder if he will ever tell me about Him and the Cum Receptacle. I just sent him an Im... this is hunch that must play out. Yikes. I guess I have to know when its over... My head is swimiing... The best thing that Ever happened to me was meeting Joe Martinet. He was a pivot person in my life. without him I would not know many people... too bad his just a distant memory

2005-01-06T11:15:00.000-06:00

You would think I could manager to post more than I do.... But here goes... After not speaking to my mother for a record of almost 2 months. I had to break radio silence because we were All in Tremont for Christmas. What a mess that was. It didnt feel like Christmas and I drove myself.(I wouldnt want it any other way) and I arrived late on Christmas Eve.

I managed to find a Kmart about an hour from MY HOUSE. Yes I say MY HOUSE because my whiny older brother get offended when I make this declaration like this because he somehow thinks that he is in control, but I digress and thats a story for another post, (or this one depending on time and space allowed.) Anyway I stopped at Kmart to pickup a gift bag and a poker set because I enjoy playing Texas Holdem... I know kinda cliche and I knew on some level the fact we were playing cards in my grandparents old home would get in Patsy's Craw... Talk about back pedeling on her part... she didnt know what to think. But anyway...

I neglected to mention that CD/MP3 player went out in my Saturn so at a gas stop in OHIO, I lost the audio book I was listening too.. and before all your literary types... *Digger Blue* lodge any formal complaints about my strict policy that READING is for losers. I need to explain myself... the drive home always consists of some book, new or old, fantasy fiction, horror something to make that waste of state of Ohio seem like is just like driving up the block instead of an inquisistion or Insurance seminar. Anyway, I purchased this Book, Devil in the White City because the Author was on a talk show I listen to quite frequently, I thought the idea of making a non-fiction book readable and enjoyable intrigued me. The synopsis of the book took the happenings of Chicago and the Columbian Exposistion and linked to the infamous H.H. Holmes... One of the first serial killers... Anyway that digression aside, I set a new record home, that being 10.5 hours. My best to date.

When I finally got back home It was once again good to step through the doors of the place I consider to be home. A bit of a control freak I realized that things I had spent many months arranging were moved, and place in nonsensitcal places. Before I go any furthur I should mention that I was sworn to keep my mouth shut and not start any conflicts. That being said I was welcomed to a spread of food which at best was nasty, and when I went to the fridge it was packed with items that were barely eatable at best. There would be no BBQ meatballs this xmas, just nasty game, and the normal gauntlet that my brother makes us run every year of fish that nobody really wants to eat, but do so as not to offend him. But again a post of his shananagains may have to come later.

My nuclear(Ha Ha HA what a bushism) family was less than thrilled to see me. However my aunts and uncles were so glad that I had returned home. Tremont was so charged with goodness and positive energy and It was apparent that both Patsy and My brother were doing all they could to stop that, I appreciate the fact I always have a plan B. Life is too short and my weeks dont come very often so it became a competition. I guess this is where we pickup the whiniess that is My brother or Sassypants as he as come to know. Naa This post was supposed to be fun. So lets make it that

I suprised my favorite uncle with a new dvd burner. The look of joy in his face when I gave it to him made christmas. It returned his computer back to being his favorite thing in the world. and I think he showed his appreciate more in the action of burning almost 55 movies in the four days I was home so he could use it. Inadventantaly by doing this I angered my brother because I didnt tell him or my mom I was doing this. Shitty I know. but for once I wanted to show my appreciation of the support he offered to me while I lived there. I was even able to order a movie for my aunt who give this really thoughtful gifts but they always seems to be forgotten at her birthday and holidays. So I gave her that and it should arrive soon.
In the week between Xmas and Newyears I ate more than my share of Gas station food. This sounds gross but in reality it was quite good. A chain of Stations in the East Called Sheetz have a MTO kitchen (Made to Order) in which you input your order into a flat panel display. with pics... Its like a kintergardeners' wet dream... sasifies one of a persons greatest needs, HUNGER. and they are 24/7 PA is the land of subs... The greatest is the Chicken Parm from Dimaggios... Best yet they deliver nine miles away to my front door... There was a pizza incident, A battle and the war was decided on that day, but fortunately we dont need to discuss that here. I got my directv debacle sorted out, and it turned out to be faulty hardware. lots of faulty hardware. That being said I got my dose of TLC and I was a happy camper.
I taught my aunt... from here on out "The Card Shark" or "bookie" how to play poker. She kicked my ass as usual. My goal is one day to be in Vegas with her. I think we would make a killing. The whole time my mom sat and commented(those of you who know her, know that she is a pain in the ass) How my grandfather would dissaprove of playing cards in his house. Then quickly retracted when she realized that nobody bought into the same notion. It was amazing how quickly one could get sucked into mind games to slow up the week.
Its time for brown talk. I was able to shit in front of the window looking up at the mountain again, a cool december breeze made me feel so free again... and my spirit was finally quiet after 8 month of restlessness. I dont know what was more pleasurable... the contorted looks my brother or mother would give when I spoke as when I move back as opposed to if I move back... and the quiet whispers to my other aunt of how She doenst get why I would want to return there because "there is nothing here" BAAAA humbug I say. My heart knows where I am happy and that it is where and why it is. again a post for another time.

My trip back was enthralling. Good conversations. Good music. Good Tears over a lost love, (not mine) and the ponderous question of how many times must a heart break?

2004-11-23T22:29:00.000-06:00

I am considering a new posistion on life, or least how I came to move through it. I sometimes feel that life is nothing more than this black soup that our good thoughts, our love and our happiness irradicate leaving the peaceful hope of something new and pure to come. Tonight for instance, I know dark forces shall be at work here, I have confront the cast of demons from my past yet I know that I am going to be victorious I have no other choice, or at least the choice I am left with is that of giving in to this black soup. A long time ago, I wrote about dylan thomas, and the rage against the dying of the light. I now live those words. I have been all but consumed by this place, and I know it, I have a couple of people that keep me from jumping into the abyss and I have others that push into that abyss, you have to love balance and harmony. Two concepts I wish I could experience on a molecular level. All is not right here, and I am tired of the accusation that it is my fault. Do me the favor and take owneer ship for you existence or lack thereof... You can dip your hand into the inky blackness of my soul, but I guarantee that it will irradate life and peace and love, even though I am capable of feeling it, I can pass it along.

2004-11-18T15:13:00.000-06:00

I have gone to the river alameda.
I have ran with my back against the sun.
I walked through the desert as my brain
could only remember you.
When the rain came. I look up and
I saw your face
between the raindrops.. I saw you
Your tears, Your dreams.
and I let you down,
again.
As the lightening echoes in my heart
the life begins to run down my wrist, and into the sand.
I look up at the sky
and your gone.
and all that is left is the echo of your heart,
beating against chance
taking a chance on beating.
and I just fade away...

2004-11-07T22:55:00.000-06:00

Wells its time to update this life, Enough complaining. A cancer survivor tonight told some really important words of adivse: The sun will Come up tomarrow." a Whoa, what a monuementally simple credo in which to operate within life. I talked to a someone else that I have been meaning to talk to for a while, and I helped someone climb on the South Beach train. she shared her art with me, I shared what simple things I could with her. I may have found an answer to a ten year old problem. and this feels good. Very good. The saturn will be retired soon, and I will be enjoying my new auto. Rock bottom has come and gone but guess what I am still here.

2004-11-02T22:01:00.000-06:00

I have dreams of late,

A place that never was. A time that could never be.
I dreamnt that I could reach beyond myself and touch the person who has seem to be lost in my this body and wandering without a soul.

Changes is are never noticed until their complete how does that work?

2004-10-30T09:34:00.000-05:00

Its amazing to me how easily it is to hang one's hopes, dreams and aspirations on one pivitol point in person life. Maybe its my picean dreamyness that causes this, but I thought I had finally broken free of this earthly bond. The landscape has changed so much in the last 365 days. In looking back it wasnt wasnt that all bad. I did some really important discovery about myself. Discarded those things that no longer were important and welcomed in those things that had become very important. I woke up this morning with the tagline of this post in my head. I am nevcr really quite sure where the rest of this post takes me. Things I know now is are very important that I was too foolish to see last year. From Oct. to Oct my life is nowhere where I thought it would be. So much for the story book ending. Cliches have never been my style anyway. The longer I am here, The longer I know I dont belong here, I found where I want to be although I am where I need to be. for now. It seems the shroud of indifference has fallen and this temporary situation will lead to life, ending the way it needs to. I just wished the one lied that was told last year wouldnt have been for NOW I have to pay for it. Until til you do right be me, nothing you will ever do will be successful.

2004-10-21T16:52:00.002-05:00

Time for a new post....

A lot has happened since the last entry. A couple of really great weekends, and a lot of good stories. Where to begin, First Off. The pin cushion O panduit, succeed to effect my life again almost one year to the day we parted company by being a LIAR. Not paying phone Bills even though you said you would is a Moral Crime, Enjoy it. Wow, the script is almost complete... Freeload off someone, Use them, lie to them and discard? How long is the cycle? of course in this incarnation I bet it will be a bit longer, A much larger bank account is involved here. and we all know what that means. I leearned something really profound. Never trust a liar. and after all Liars never earn trust. All the writing on wall showed me this but I ignored. I often wonder how low your self-esteem was to blow both Greco and Jay in the Back of that car that night? At the very least you prolly convinced two boys on the fence that its much better to play for the same team. Any dirt you have on me is non-existent. A test set up to see how much I could trust you and you failed miserably. How many ways can you say LIAR o pincushion of panduit? Mmmmm... that felt good.

I would say nothing about this, but I thought you should probably know, your kharma is got to be bottoming out. By the way were you ever able to address your electra complex? Daddy's little girl?

I find it fitting to write this post one year after the break up. By this point I have estimated you have had cheated on my for a least a month.

May everything you have every done to anyone come back and haunt you. You have lied your way to where you are only for you to find.. your going to be one that fails in the end.

Enjoy breakfast at the house? I was there... and you didnt see me. HA!
still sitting around the coffee house talking about success, why not try doing instead of talking.
Here o well read one, I have a quote for you..... Until you do right by me.... everything you think of will fail.... Everything... No thought, no action nothing. I love that quote.

And for something completly different... Blah Blah Blah and Pincushion o Panduit. Fuck OFFF!

2004-10-21T16:52:00.001-05:00

2004-10-21T16:52:00.000-05:00

2004-09-21T21:33:00.000-05:00

I was a mess today, I hadnt shaved in almost two weeks and I was starting to look like a homeless person. I decided to take a shower and see if the headache that was plaging me all day would subside. Somewhere in the trance I put myself in as water battered against my sore back, I got lost in a a feeling, The feeling of being soo cold that my palms where numb, my teeth chattered and It felt as if my life was ebbing away from me.... A bit scary at first but I found myself willing to give myself over in peace. and I could remember the only thing I could do was stand in the shower in Tremont. It was a cold winter night, and I was tired from lack of movement. The more hot water that hit my skin the more feeling left my body. Soon, my feet felt the same tingling of my palms... I thought for sure this was it. The only thing that gave my comfort that night was to huddle up against the heater, and tune into some sattelite radio. I am sad miserable and upset. I have made the wrong decision and now I have to make it right. I did make some right decisions though, and some I dont think I am going to crawl back to . 1. Good Decision:Letting go of the Shaved APE. it was obvious you couldnt handle me, and It was obvious that you couldnt be trusted... or should we ask Greco and Jason O pincushion of Panduit... At least you figured out to marry for money. At least that will quench one of your appetites. 2 Bad Decision: Allowing Blah Blah back in. She burned the bridge yet allowed her to cross, and tried to burn it again. Back Stabber who has no Morals, and its unequivocally devoid of any human emotion. 3.Good Decision Taking the time to figure out what I dont want, and deciding on what I do, even though my plans are delayed, I still have my eyes on the prize.4. Bad Decision letting blah blah squander my last week in Tremont and being sucked into the Rouse of having to wait on her hand and foot.5. Good Decision Trusting someone enough to share some of the war stories, and Trusting enough to know that any good Friendship basis after trust and respect, is reciprocation, Reciprocity, is good thing, It keeps your prospective, to know that we are all floating out here together, and sometimes we need to help each other bail out their boat. 6. Bad Decision Taking a job that I knew I would hate. Selling out. Becoming what I feared I always would be, Fighting the PC river like a salmon trying to make it up river to SPAWN, and DIE, 7. Good Decision Buying a DVD player, Now I can really do have movies on demand.8 Bad Decision allowing myself to get sucked into the the torturoous torment of Blah Blah and her mutilation....Heres an answer to your question about your personality or you looks.... Its neither, Its the fact that you back stabbed someone now and YOU cant Take it back... in fact I know He would rather have TURKEY again. 9. Good decsion Making a conscience not to reward bad behavior. I think the quote that sums this up most beautifully, she vibed towards me, and The second I felt it I felt the knife twist deeper into my back. His words not mine, and in fact more elloquent that mine could have ever on the subject. The coolest part is, Blah Blah will continue to blame the easiest to blame in these situations, once I am gone for long enough whom will be at fault? 10. Bad Decision Not ending it when I should have.... For what I speak of, You already know.

2004-09-19T20:59:00.000-05:00

A friend wrote a poem about her life, It was very powerful the parallelism that exists between us. The words that shattered through the monatony of my day and broke my back like the load I have been baring since the begining of time or at least thats what it felt like. This poem was mighty powerful. The personal value that I had assigned this poem can not even begin t be shown with words. The imagery alone torn my flesch like a weathered rusty dagger in a rainstorm. Tearing into me and leaving with a burning feeling where I know even when I heal that I will never quite be the same. Its wierd, and I almost feel strange sometiimes with the level of similarity between us. I can start a thought and it get completed or the same path has been traveled leading to answer. I was recently likened to be being here student, I think it a mutual thing. Neither one of us could really admit it though, that was would be out of character. I decided from the first exchange of deep and personal thought I decided I would not pretend that I would not put her on a pedestal and make an offering to her. Because I too have been placed there and it is cold and lonely place. Instead I decided early on, that I wanted to exchange support, maybe this act is self serving on some level, because I am only accepting after giving making it okay to support. Wow that was a convaluded thought isnt it?
I miss Tremont. Much like Patton I will return. At least I will be free.

Time is the great equalizer.
My clock has stopped
I cannot breathe.
I dream of you
You forgot about me.
My rope is frayed
The knot has come undo.
My hands are bloody
Bruised and Burned from the Sisal
I let the rope go.
I let Time stop.
I let myself go.
Will this pain, torment, torture
Ever stop?

2004-09-14T22:04:00.000-05:00

Wow that last post isnt finished.... when will Kelly learn... apparently never. I am glad to learn that all friendships dont have to be disfunctional like our was. I got a swift kick in the head just today, in a really inadvertant way....

In trying to define the terms of this new friendship I am at a loss.. I am almost too scared to put words on this because it initself is undefinable. an unspoken bond that transcends and terestrail exlpaination. To the casual observer it may seem as if its a childish crush.. And that comment gave me a moment of pause. Is that how it was being perceived? That caused a bit of an internal fuckup. Its wierd. refer to the post that I want to carved on my stone. That is how I choose to live the rest of my life. A conversation about self loathing today smacked of such reality i found myself welling up inside with pain shared of this consciencous that we have seemed to tap. A beautifully bittersweet penning of the feelings that I feel everytime I stare into mirror in candle light. She has a tendancy to knock the wind right out of me.

I hope in the end this is more of a permanent arrangment.... If not I will enjoy the time I get to share with this truly special person. I personally feel as if the level of pararellism between us lends to only natural comradory... Its wierd though,

I watched the promise of the future glint in the candlelight as it
ran down wrist and pool up at the base of my feet.

I knelt down and drew my finger tips through the memories of what could have been and felt the inky blackness of what was fill my eyes and my heart all at once...

A blast of cold air and I was alone. watching the world as they moved on, without me... barely even recognizing I was there, except for maybe the teardrop stain of promises broken on the floor

2004-08-31T13:01:00.000-05:00

Okay here in its entirerity the dialogue between Blah Blah and myself... because I choose not to reward negative behavior again....

I wrote this after being given an ultimatetum in regards to repairing Blah Blahs computer. After She resheduled with me... because it was more important to go out and chase after a "player" because she had been single longer than 2 months... and her current interest wasnt moving forward fast enough... I would change the names to protect the innocent but no body is innocent here. As an interesting footnote, when I approached blah blah and mention that I thought she was starting to spiral she decide the best course of action was to contact the Builder to try and stir shit up. Of course she didnt think it would get back to me and she continued to deny, deny, deny deny, all of it. She much like my cousin thinks the world around them is as stupid as they assume. Wrong answer... So I call her on her actions and warn her, something I would never do in the past, and OF course, we deny deny deny deny... and I am played a fool. The caldron started to boil. Blah Blah had learned NOTHING about the past and hadnt changed... she just was able to convince herself. which this is all discussed below in great detail... this foreword needed to be written because It helps glue the story together.

Heres the shot that start WW3:

I really dont think I deserve to be treated like your treating me. You are treating me like YOU are doing ME a favor by letting me fix your computer, When in reality it is quite the opposite. I do not like the way this makes me feel. and I really dont appreciate you emotion to manipulate me. I have bent over backwards to fix your computer on several occasions, and even when I change plans for you, its still good enough, I think you have gotten so comfortable with these actions, that is no longer appreciated its EXPECTED, I am equally at fault here because I continually reward negative behavior. To add insult to injury after I do change my plans and move my shedule around to accomedate you, I am treated with contempt being treated again as if that you are doing me a favor and not the opposite, to further rub salt in the wound, I get issused an ultimatum that if I dont fix it your going to call someone else. Which I am still not sure why this is threatening. I think its an attempt play on some insecurity, I am not sure. If doug can do a better job, then maybe he should. or he can get it done faster than I can Great, let him at it. To make one point perfectly crystal Any work on your computer I have done has because I wanted to, not because I had to to, but I did so willingly to help out a friend, and it appears that my help not only is not Good enough, but unappreciated as well.

You say that you have changed, and I want to believe that but when say one thing and act like this what I am supposed to believe.

She vollied this back less than 30 mins. later....

Scot

As far as me changing, I don't care whether you believe it or not. These
are my choices. Yes, I have discussed everything with Sue and Denise, just
as I am sure you discussed everything with Michele and please this is not
the time to lie, because as I said a few weeks ago there are two people in
my life that I trust completely and that is Sue and Denise. I do not feel
victimized however, what a shock...you do. As far as Bob and I are
concerned, when I asked him a few months ago if it was true that he
insinuated something happened between us he said "absolutely not" and I
believe him. Unlike you he has never lied to me or at least not that I can
prove. Actually I am very happy with the way my life is I am surrounding
myself with people I love and who love me. As far as will other guys cheat
on me, maybe maybe not but that will not keep me from dating and having a
life. You need to take your own advise about glass houses. You said how
crappy it was that Jim doesn't return phone calls, well neither do you.
Apparently you had received the voice mail on Sunday and wait I get to hear
your complaints on Tuesday. You never let anything go. You harbor all of
life's crap and keep dumping it on me. As with Ryan I told you STAY OUT OF
IT. I don't want you involved if anything that will make matters worse. I
am a big girl and can handle situations on my own. Also, you should know by
now that there is no me and Ryan thing. Once again we are FRIENDS. I don't
understand what is so hard to get about that. As far as you being a good
friend, if I don't contact you, you don't call me. When was the last
Wednesday night that we hung out. I notice that you don't want to meet with
me and Michele on Wednesday, just Michele. I really don't care because she
can definitely give you more support in certain areas then I can but, as we
were hanging out and then you just stopped, well that is pretty suspicious
as it all started happening around the time you didn't need me to drive,
that bothers me. You twist everything and I am tired of taking the brunt.
I have a lot of crap going on in my life that doesn't have to do with you,
Michele, Ryan or anything actually in the below e-mail. Sue and Denise know
what is happening just in case something happens but, I still have to deal
with it. So for you to be on your high horse right now well, it is not
really good for me. I have got more major issues then who has bruised
feelings because once again you need to read into things. I know you are
going to say well, why didn't you tell me stuff was going on??? Truth is
you haven't been around for me to tell. The reason I didn't have you over
Thursday is because, as with every Thursday the vote was to go out and have
fun and I am not leaving anyone in my apartment when I don't know when I
will be home because you would not be able to leave until I got back as you
would have the only key to get in. Which was a good thing because we didn't
get in until after 2am. As far as having an adult relationship I would have
loved to have had one but, you are not capable which you have made very
evident by not viewing me as an adult. I can not and will not deal with
this situation right now as there are more pressing matters at hand. I am
sorry if you find that insulting but, there are more important things then
playing the blame game and the you hurt my feelings so instead of talking to
you I will send you a belittling e-mail.

I really enjoy her choice in language.... pressing matters at hand... I love when unintellengent people try and post up with phrases they have heard adult use... and misuse them.... This is very much like Stiffler in American Wedding... I willing admit that it is my responsiblity, and I should have returned her phone call, However, I thought I should calm down and not write something that was soley emotionally based. So I delayed. As for using her... This amazes me. She did provide relief while I was automobileless in IL, However what she fails to recognize is that The day after we got back I started work full time and my time was consumed. I should mention that the reference to blowing her off comes after she was excluded to a weekly occurring dart game because she tried to take it over and pushed the people that I originally started the outing with out.... Thats right, I was drinking with Dave, and Steve on Wednesday at St. Charlies and Michele joined one week. They liked her, the next week she managed to put everyone on edge and make the event unfun... Not to mention the fact that she called up Michele and invited her to Go play darts with "Me and Scot" Ironic isnt it? So we started to exclude her because outings were unfun... and if you not having fun whats the point of having an outing? A trip to PA occured. I was expect to wait on someone hand and foot. and when I wasnt moving fast enough blah blah someone I was delaying our departure... I had good right to, I was lamented for a home I didnt want to leave, and since the entire drive was up to me.. I figured why not be overtired. Since... which here is the kicker Blah, Blah would not drive stick because she was "uncomfortable" driving it on the highway... To add to this, to ensure I could use the I am overtired bit she threw in sleeping with a headache the entire ride home... or just about.... Yes, I made her help clean the house. I dont leave 124 without it being spotless. I am guest there...
she wouldnt get that... I cant help but think this princess attitude was fosted by her parents, probably overcompensating for adopting her. The result of their folly is raising 2 daughters who are completely unprepared for the world and who are scared of their own shadows. This results in unhappy children and even more unhappy adults... Whom the only way to win a loosing arguement is to pull out the famed "HEALTH CARD" thats what she is alluding to here. its been a crutch for the past ten years whenever she is having a bad day.... I know cancer patients who have a better life outlook than she does. She thinks she is going to barren because of some deasease, This is where kharma rears its ugly head... All nastyness she has propegated against mankind because she didnt get what she wanted when she wanted. that is what is going to make her barren. Spoiled Brat is all I can say... I know those who throw stones in glass houses shouldnt. We also need to address her need to be the professional victim. Notice how she like to project victimization onto me.... hmmmm...

Theres more to be added here, like my response that will come later....

Interesting postscript to this conversation, though, blah blah had to resort to getting the person she wanted nothing more to do with to fix her computer. Bigger fish to fry read the next post..

2004-08-18T15:47:00.000-05:00

This is a work in progress.... I am driven to be better:

First and foremost, and I am glad you had the self respect to not do that, and further hope that self respect is a truly motivated from within.

As you I think you will remember when discussed change and I told you how a change is only valid if every time that change is put into question it is unwaviered. This spawned quite a discussion with the ~o and I. Because she seemed to think that I said that change could not be instantous, when in reality it can be, its the consistency in which this change is practiced is what makes it truly a Change. When I clarified my message she complety agreed. Another important aspect of change is that for it truly to be a viable change it is hardly ever mentioned, Some would argue that mentioning would overall negate any hopes of viable change because praise is sought for the change for praise sake, not for the sake of change Coupled with this conversation, The discussion of emotional shortcutting and how when a person acts differently out of the norm of their normal action discrepancies are formed That's the unfortunate aspect of change that not many people are aware of. But I am here to tell you that it does get better and don't sacrifice what you have built already because it very tempting to resume your past actions because whenever you change a cycle if its change is NOT accepted as instantous its easier to fall back into previous patterns instead of changing a undesired behaviour. This causes the cycle to restart, and causing frustration because it appears that ones' actions have had no effect. Thus reducing the probablity of a change ever being realized, because the attitude is adopted that, "I have tried to change and nobody seems to notice" I am also here to attest that this is how I felt, and still do for the most part.

The unfortunate ness of this whole sorted affair is bad timing. You have a tendency have a case of severe immediacy when it comes to natures of the heart, and when that immediacy is not shared with the rest of the cosmos understandably feelings are hurt and self-inflicted pain are felt.
It is only natural that when this happens that it is necessary to have someone to blame. Because after all if " I " have to feel the pain of my needs of immediacy not being met, I need to blame someone for such unspeakable “atrocities” and “make them pay”
This brings us back to change. Its sometimes the hardest to admit to ourselves that there is s a demon inside of us that brings us to do some pretty unspeaking and rather ghastly things. It seems the more we deny this demon the strong and more viable it becomes. The biggest challenge to we face is not let our “demon” do things to people that we all know will result in bad karma piking back on oneself. There is also another misconception out there that needs to be put to rest. We don’t get to choose how negative Kharma repays a visit to our doorsteps, and can be completely unrelated. For example, just because your signifigant other cheats on you does that mean that your future sig other will do the same, Kharma maybe repaid in the way that may seem totally unrelated.

Patience is grace, and unfortunately grace is sometimes one of those virtues that is hard achieve. By ignoring this grace, or choosing to deflect the efforts into another direction you not only do not allow yourself to encompass all feelings that are associated with the encounter, and in hopes that the realization that love is not a process, its an evolution you cant force, in fact it makes one question what love is , and it ceases to reduce it to a crude animal act.

2004-08-08T16:35:00.002-05:00

Blah Blah strikes again when she learn, she is going to end up in the cold. As for Big Head and Hairy or as she has been recently been dubbed the Etech a Sketch, (Thanx oracle) It have been one year since I made the worst mistake of my life. Yikes, Boys and girls I only have one thing to Say, Dont settle for mediocre, get what you want so you dont have to look else where. Wasssamatta Big Head did you like seeing honesty spilled out on the page? Theres no corner on the Alt. Screename market, if you would like I could suggest a few for you: How about:
PlasticBoy
SwedWannabe
WildaBeastluver
SpoiledRichBoi
Made4tvmovie
wannabe
triedtobe
Tonyrobbin'scumrag
MrRobbinsscatmuncher

Dont worry fugly you wont be excluded. For you I have

Fugly
SwedewannabeGF
EtechaSketch
Fakey
Faux
FauxLingustistic
CumReceptacle

Hmmmmm..... That felt much better.

2004-08-08T16:35:00.001-05:00

2004-07-19T14:23:00.000-05:00

A new finding:

1.When you have no money you are trailer trash.
2.When you have some money you watch Nascar.
3.When you have a lot of money, Your considered nouveau riche

The common element here is lack of class. No amount of money can give you class. Take a trip South of Darien one day, You'll see alot of Types 1,2, and three.... But thats stating the obvious.

I have discovered something interesting about Gen Yers they somehow think that they are smarter then Gen X. Actually they are nothing more than copy cats of the doomed generation.
Cousin Dickhead, and Hairy Both seem to think that Using multi-syllabic words increase their arugement potential, I say Verbal economy. Sometime Fuck you is all you need to say.

BTW,

FUCK YOU.

2004-07-19T14:10:00.000-05:00

Been a while since I last posted. Too much to think about. Pending employment here, pending employment there. What to do? What to do? I noticed that Big head has slipped out of existence? Theres no wonder that they see big head coming... I am so glad I achieved enough escape velocity to remove myself from that alternative universe. I cant say much for other people. I guess when in doubt, comprimise your principles and change. Jello can never be nailed to the wall. Ever. Now can it? Speaking of this, I think someone should feel really shitty when they look in the mirror. After all, your discrepant behavior that I overlooked at the time, has been reevaluated, and I find you lower, than well your agressor, Way to take responsiblity of your own actions. Run off and adopt those dogs, and live within five minutes of your in-laws... When white trash is in site, It must be right.

2004-07-09T14:06:00.000-05:00

Really is that the best you can do? I am really amazed. So limited gestures from such hyper intellegent person. I think this time cranium size and intellegence have a inverse relationship. Ps. I am having dinner with bannana hands. Next Month. I make sure and tell him he has more disciples.

2004-07-09T02:09:00.000-05:00

Tried something new today. I decided that I would not answer my cell phone at all. I must have a lot of voicemails. Its nothing against anyone that was trying to call me but I just wanted to not deal with the thing shit storm I have created. Quite possibly the lowest of the low hit last night. and I went to go hold my favorite dog in the whole wide world. She is now 77 by dog years. Her once golden fur has turned platinum white.... She can still beg like a puppy, and I see the unconditional love in her eyes when I scratch her tummy. How can anyone own a cat? Cats are useless creatures. Cats throw up and use a litter box. YUK. Back to Daizee, the wunder slut. a little scratch behind the ears and she would melt. 1993 was much simpler time. I sat at a coffee house tonight for the first time in years. I dont count the house simply for the shear fact that the house was nothing more than a wannabe coffee establishment, desparate to be avante gard... trying to too hard to be unique. I found myself challenged to get to this place, I went with a very good, old friend that was child free for the night, and we got a good buzz on like we used to so many years ago. I often wonder why my friends put up with my bullshit. Yes thats right put up with my bullshit. I got a lecture tonight that I should forgive something from a relative and welcome them back into my life, This upset me because there is nothing to forgive. I took a stance and decided to follow it through. It was a much simpler to let bygones be bygones, when I made the decision to cut myself out but when I was the one cut out, its hard to force yourself back into this persons life. A low blood sugar momement lead to me walking away to watch goonies. It was fun to watch teenagers discuss political topics with such vigor as if they had the world by the ass. I declared at the top of my lungs that I wanted my 20's back. I want to have the materials I have now and get a do-over. I think that is fair. I know I would change ALOT of my past. I was going to post some lyrics to another song, kinda as a homeage to the little meglomaniac in tremont, since he has so often done before me. So here goes. I never listend to this song until I had the album for almost a year. I am a sucker for anyone tht is brave enough to add a string quartet to any pop piece. but here goes.... before that though, I have a comment, A breve is NOT made with coffee its made with expresso.

I wished I was smarter
I wished I was stronger
I wished I loved Jesus
The way my wife does
I wish it had been easier
Instead of any longer
I wished I could have stood where you would have been proud
But that won't happen now
That won't happen now

There's a whole lot of singing that's never gonna be heard
Disappearing everyday without so much as a word somehow
Think I broke the wings off that little song bird
She's never gonna fly to the top of the world right now
Top of the world

I don't have to answer any of these questions
Don't have no God to teach me no lessons
I come home in the evening
Sit in my chair
One night they called me for supper
But I never got up
I stayed right there in my chair

There's a whole lot of singing that's never gonna be heard
Disappearing everyday without so much as a word somehow
Think I broke the wings off that little song bird
She's never gonna fly to the top of the world right now

I wished I'd a known you
Wished I'd a shown you
All of the things I was on the inside
I'd pretend to be sleeping
When you come in in the morning
To whisper good-bye
Go to work in the rain
I don't know why
Don't know why

Cause everyone's singing
We just wanna be heard
Disappearing everyday without so much as a word somehow
Wanna grab a hold of that little song bird
Take her for a ride to the top of the world right now

(Instrumental)

Whoa, Whoa
To the top of the world
To the top of the world
To the top of the world
To the top of the world
To the top of the world
To the top of the world
To the top of the world
To the top of the world...

I often think of starting the countdown to the end, I wonder, btw the official defintion of what a cafe breve is:
Brevé: Short for Espresso Brevé. Espresso with half-n-half instead of milk.

strange to think that halfnhalf has less carbs than milk... YIKES.

blah blah, smokey, oracle all know something is up, apple too. I avoid the microscope they offer in search of solace with lunatree girl.

2004-07-07T16:31:00.000-05:00

Sorry no post in a while, but I had to rebuild another machine this weekend leaving my blogger outlet unpluggged so I could work on the other. Its been a big week I was able to secure a large type keyboard for the mom who is losing her sight, That and upgrading her monitor to something larger. Of course these things were interperted as something sinister. I like that word sinister. I learned alot this weekend about myself. Apparently I am not as wrong about things as I once thought. In skipping out of a bbq that was planned with me not being included I went to a new friends place and had an AWESOME time! It felt good to talk to people that were not so much entirely full of shit, or so narcisitic that they can talk about something other than themselves. I think about the energy wasted on this venture, I think about last year at this time and I think how much happier I am now. I think the methphor of time making everything equal. Things I know:
I am better than I have every been.
I am feeling more centered because its been a natural center that is not for anybody but myself.
I know my path is going to be long and winding,
I know that I dont want it any other way.
I faced the facts that who I am is not going to change
My life that has been threated by someone that you all know and I have to say that if he is going to come to me in the middle of the night to kill me I welcome it. Fear not little ones, I will be back again. and again. and again.

Someone told me that they could not count on me knowing when it was going to happen. I do know. You can only affect someone like that if you have something to lose. I have nothing to lose. It is truly wonderful that it has come to this. I am not bulletproof. I am however smarter than him. he knows it. It amazes me how much blah blah and him and other people have emulated me and twisted the emulation to fit the needs. could you imagine what that feels like? I do. Its fucked up. You dont see some people for years and they remind you of something you used to say, and they still say it. Thats just the begining. I guess my mom's brother and her sister inlaw now are talking to her after putting her through the wringer for six months because my aunt feelings were hurt, because. "she didnt call me" Grow the fuck up. This is the bullshit that causes me to be tired. Inflict whatever pain you would like on others but be comfortable with that pain when you realize its permanent. I bear none of you ill-will.I tried to prevent your pain and you burn me because of this. I am going to give you what you want. Silence. Your going to have to deal with me like you do everyone else. There is not alternate universe. I dont care if you dont want to play. you have to live with your actions just like I have to live with mine. Its my fault because I wasnt quick enough to avert the disaster. Oh well, guess I will have to pay. Will that be suffiencent enough cause to have your son send me to my maker? I hope so. Enough of that. I have a long distance dedication that needs to go out to someone: Sing it Ani: btw..... how do you look at yourself in the mirror, knowing the lies you told Blowing a HS crush and his friend..... anyway sing it ANI:

untouchable face

think i'm going for a walk now
i feel a little unsteady
i don't want nobody to follow me
'cept maybe you

i could make you happy, you know
if you weren't already
i could do a lot of things
and i do

tell you the truth i prefer the worst of you
too bad you had to have a better half
she's not really my type
but i think you two are forever
and i hate to say it but you're perfect together

so fuck you
and your untouchable face
fuck you
for existing in the first place
and who am i
that i should be vying for your touch
who am i
bet you can't even tell me that much

2:30 in the morning
and my gas tank will be empty soon
neon sign on the horizon
rubbing elbows with the moon
safe haven of the sleepless
where the deep fryer's always on
radio is counting down the top 20 country songs

out on the porch the fly strip is
waving like a flag in the wind
you know i really don't look forward
to seeing you again soon.

you look like a photograph of yourself
taken from far far away
i won't know what to do
i won't know what to say

so fuck you...

i see you and i'm so perplexed
what was i thinking
what will i think of next
where can i hide
in the back room there's a lamp
that hangs over the pool table
and when the fan is on it swings
gently side to side
there's a changing constellation
of balls as we are playing
i see orion and say nothing
the only thing i can think of saying

is fuck you...

mmmmm. thats much better.

2004-07-05T01:47:00.000-05:00

Well I havent posted all weekend except for now, and what a completely screwed up weekend I am having. This was totally messed up. I had one friend after another crashing down around me.... Interesting though, I wonder what my role is in all of this. Blah Blah let someone set her up on a blind date and this was unacceptable because this person was a stranger... Of course this seter-up was not at fault here, and blah blah tried to hide this fact and go behind her back. My newest friend is waivering on what he should do in life, and I seem to be his reality checkpoint. This is wierd for me. My home has been invaded by someone who wants to play familia for the day, I have plans I thought and off I went. I sent this out a mass email: I think its important I post this here:
Did you know ???

Did you know that when you envy someone, it's because you really like that
person?

Did you know that those who appear to be very strong in heart, are real
weak and most succeptible?

Did you know that those who spend their time protecting others are the
ones that really need some one to protect them?

Did you know that the three most difficult things to say are : I love you, Sorry and help me The people who say these are actually in need of them or
really feel them, and are the ones you really need to treasure, because
they have said them.

Did you know that people who occupy themselves by keeping others company
or helping others are the ones that actually need your company and help?

Did you know that those who dress in red are more confident in themselves?

Did you know that those who dress in yellow are those that enjoy their
beauty?

Did you know that those who dress in black, are those who want to be
unnoticed and need your help and understanding?

Did you know that when you help someone, the help is returned in two
folds?

Did you know that those who need more of you are those that don't mention
it to you?

Did you know that it's easier to say what you feel in writing than saying
it to someone in the face?But did you know that it has more value when you
say it to their face?

Did you know that what is most difficult for you to say or do is much more
valuable than anything that is valuable that you can buy with money?

Did you know that if you ask for something in faith, your wishes are
granted?

Did you know that you can make your dreams come true, like falling in
love, becoming rich, staying healthy, if you ask for it by faith, and if
you really knew, you'd be surprised by what you could do.
But don't believe everything I tell you, until you try it for yourself ,
if you know someone that is in need of something that I mentioned, and you
know that you can help, you'll see that it will be returned in two-fold

DID YOU KNOW THAT YOU COULD ALWAYS COUNT ON ME???... AT THE MOMENT, TIME
AND PLACE THAT YOU NEED ME, CALL ME, I WILL BE THERE WITH YOU !!!!!

"One day, we will change the world...or we are already changing it " THE
BALL IS NOW IN YOUR COURT... If the world were to end in 24 hours, all the
phone lines, chat rooms and e-mails will be saturated from people sending
messages to others, saying: "I regret having made you feel bad", "Pardon
me", "I love you", "I hold you in high esteem", take good care of
yourself" and sometimes "I have always loved you, only I never told you".

Someone else today reminded me of the serenity prayer. I wish I am trying very hard to let go of things. maybe one day I will be able to do so.

2004-07-01T21:53:00.000-05:00

WOOOOOOO WHO..... Well coming off that last post I got a death threat today. It makes me feel so warm and fuzzy that someone wants me dead as I want to be dead... what a wonderful proposition. The amazing thing about this is... I am the sane one.... can I get a YIKES... Spiderman has just come out. He must be using his spidy senses... YUK

2004-07-01T01:05:00.000-05:00

Well those of you that have been following this blog has traveled with me for quite a rollercoaster like journey. Some sad, some glad mostly angery, Most wondering why the shit is still running down hill, Something I grasp to get ahold of. I just dont wonder why. I made the conscience effort to let go of everything, and today the one thing I was unable to let go of slapped me in the face. Those of you who know me for longer than a couple of years know that t I lost my father eight years ago to a failed lung transplant. Eight years ago exactly June 30, 1996... or so it has been called 1996 the year of death. I went to the bar tonight with over 90% of my friends and I had a horrible time. I could not shake the idea that my life was worthless and I was an even bigger asshole for not remembering the memory of my father. It could have been something bigger. It be now that I am whole again that I no longer desire to have this existence anymore. I choose not to participate in Life. If I dropped off the face of the planet today... I would be barely missed. I missed my mark. This is NOT a plea for help, more over simply stating fact. Its not that I am not loved, I am loved, and I do have great friends. Its not that my pain, hurt or suffering is any greater than anyone elses'. I dont need the george Bailey effect here neither. I am tired of my life being in a holdng pattern. I feel have sucked enough frustration out of the atomposhere and it needs to be released. No amount of counseling no amount of hand holding will help this go away. I once told a friend of mine that they would never improve their situation until they broke out of the mold that they were set in removed the limitation that the people around them have put into them.
I need to heed my own advice. The limitations of this life must be lifted. I must do something will not continue for me to remain empty inside. Maybe I am not as strong as I appear to be. Maybe its time to realize that all the trash that is talked bout me is more like harsh fact. I have no rage left in me. I am broken, without purpose and the only sounds left is the sound of my heart beating against the rhythm of the world. I have to hand you to Kelly, you and Bob were absoulutly correct, and it only took 2 years to come to pass, My hats off to you. Revel in my failure, I know I have. After I am gone I hope you realize every discpicable quality you could not stand about me is what you saw in yourselves and could not handle. I love you both. Thanks for making me a stronger person. I wish you all the happiness that you can muster in this world, I wish you could have been honest and truthful instead of lying to makeyourselves feel better. To former agressors, you know you both are. May your life together become everything that you feared it would. Say what you must to make yourselves feel better, and remember what you put out you get in return 10 fold. and yes Mongoloid boy, that applies even to you. I am sorry to leave you down my new friend perhaps I stopped the natural order of things for you prematurely. And to my friend, the Oracle. Thanks for your equalizer, thanks for confirming that I wasnt just hearing things and thank you for being you. I meant what I said when I say I worry about you. Nobody holds the net when you fall, and yes you do fall. Perhaps the conversation may have not meant much to you, but I thank you for treating me like a friend instead of an annoyance. I know our pathes will cross again. I know that the path I have chosen is NOT an easy one and I know that fear is Not an option. I am being so much more melodramatic that I need to be, but people have grown used to it. Its funny the vet your the greatest and I still learn much from you.I could have not made it this far without you. I am sorry. May your sunsets always be beautiful, Your waters always be clear, and the sand always pure between your toes. Good night.

2004-06-29T23:31:00.000-05:00

Heres a nifty thought. I think you should pull your lower over your head and swallow.

2004-06-29T03:52:00.000-05:00

I pose a really interesting question? I really cant take all the credit for this notion, but I know I can at least write about it? What the fuck is happening in society today? I think Tee-Ball should be banned. I remember as a kid when you actually learned about competition and sportsmanlike conduct... But now, Tee-Ball nobody wins or loses, you get praised for attempted to hit the ball, and I pose the Question What kind of life are we preparing the youth of tomarrow for? These kids are not going to have the coping skills to deal with every day happenstance... Its okay little Raoul.... you thought about runnning to second but because your so helplesslessly out of shape you couldnt... I understand.. you get a gold star for tying your shoe.... I mean really my friend refuses to enroll her children in these programs... because she believes its the undoing of society. I think we need to get away from this idea of Spare the rod and spoil child and go back to a good old fashion Assswhoooping.... I got spanked and I turned out just fine.... I wanna flash forward in time and see how much coporate american will be decimated by a "TIME OUT" Yikes... All this touchy feely horsehit makes me wanna puke in my soup.... I say the beatings should continue until the morale improves...

2004-06-28T00:00:00.000-05:00

I just re-read my last post. Super-Vet wasnt the one who pushed the buttons My sibling did. Someone is pleased as punch that he gets to be in Tremont and I dont. I wanna take the blog in other directions, mainly about my quest for truth, honest justice and integrity. I hope that my enlightened path will remain that way. For its team to make the City light up again, and drive the darkness away.

~~~Transporting.....

Is it a smile you wanted?
A laugh, a giggle? a YIPE?!

and All you got was sadness.

I goto sleep every morning with the sun, and I wake every evening with the dusky redness of the summer sky.

A whiff of the breeze reminds me how much I miss the stories you tell, and The yarns you spin.

A bottle of Acme Orange Soda, or Black Cherry in a frosty bottle coupled with the Cow Salt and Pepper shakers...

Lets not forget the STEWED hamburgers, Cabbage Rolls and the Funnel Cakes.

A whiff of the breeze reminds me how much the newness of each pinic ended with a slide waterslide, and skinning my knee made summer, summer.

Lets not forget the Phoniex, Bumper Boats and the Cable car ride.

A whiff of the breeze reminds me how much the cool mountain chilled us and made us go "down through the park" to get something else to eat, Hard Ice Cream... cuz soft would never do.

Lets not forget the Haunted House, and me grasping on to my Aunts with a grip the would kill the average person.

As I got older the landscape changed... the flood levels rose and the pinics got smaller. The faces all weathered some, are no longer with us. The babies became adults and the adults had babies... Much like time, it is universal to all of us........

A whiff of the air reminds me of a time, where the stories were made, the memories remembered and the future was an afterthought.......

Lets not forget We are nothing more than the stories we create, immortalized, embelleshed and made into legend.

A whiff of the air and I am transported back there, My senses awaken as if I were waking from a ten year old coma.. anxious to remeber the past and look to the future.

2004-06-27T23:32:00.000-05:00

It amazes me how much people in life like to push buttons. I have I fell pray to that tonight. Its sad. I got a really funny drunken message from my favorite vet in Training... and her friend. You guy need to call me again... and splain yourselves better. This weekend was a waste, I am going to interview tomarrow for the job I am going to get. I cant believe July is almost here. YIKES!

2004-06-27T03:17:00.000-05:00

Hmmmm... it was like old home week tonight. Russels' Ribs, Jamba Juice, Game works and Dave and Busters. Two phoners from great women of my past. It was cool to hear... and the best part of night like this is having breakfast at IHOP.. I guess you can take the boy out of Glendale Heights but not the Glendale Heights out of the boy.... I miss the truck stop... damnit.... Someone told me I was dark. Someone called me and said that someone else needs to to talk to me. The need to help me straighten out the poop... Poop is a reoccuring theme on this blog, and actually before you get any ideas its not a homeaage... to anything... yawn time to goto bed.

2004-06-26T02:23:00.000-05:00

I experienced all again tonight. Everything comes back on itself. unlocked the past has become.. I relive the nastyness that the past two years have taken me on. My loved ones lost, and now found. I wish my muse wasnt that one of saddness. I felt it all over again. My spririt is broken...I think its meant to be this way..only when something is broken does it mean to be fixed. BTW.. I thought about sunday last convo and I looked up the words to OVERKILL:

Overkill
I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications

Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know will be alright
Perahaps its just my imagination

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat, shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away

Alone between the sheets
Only brings exasperation
It's time to walk the streets
Smell the desperation

At least there's pretty lights
And though there's little variation
It nullifies the night
From overkill

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat, shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away

I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications

Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know will be alright
It's just overkill

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat, shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away

Boy Howdee are you right... this is exactly what I was describing.... theres that boy howdee thing again... I cant sleep now... my ghost still havent faded... damnit...

2004-06-25T17:19:00.000-05:00

Watching day-time tv today and I realize what the market is all day losers. Its kinda sad. If I have to see another lincoln Tech comercial I will have to say something some other time. Blah Blah blah....

2004-06-25T00:54:00.000-05:00

This post is here to commmerorate..(remember spelling dunt count) the 70th Post to my blog. YEAAAAAAAA!!!!

After all the brown talk, I want to say that I have set a deadline for myself. If I am not employed within the next 30 days I am returning to PA and being happy. I would have given IL another 90 day chance and I think I must move back. I will miss some people that I have grown very close to, In speaking to the ties that bound me here I am free. Free because this is just not me anymore. I needed to prove myself that. If they are going to be my friends a measly 747 miles would not stop the friendship from occuring. Besides I have always wanted to simulate being white trash, I guess I could move to the South Suburbs, but I think the people in Schyukill county are a much better brand o trash. At least there nobody is fooling themselves into thinking they are something that they are not, I miss my front porch. The smell of Tremont after the rain storm is something else. The positive charged ions in the air and the freshness of the trees... I miss my mountain view, I miss my mountain home. I hope that one day I can return there permanently. Illinois has been kind, it has taught me what I didnt want. It has taught me who I am not. It has taught me that I can reach and not fall, It has taught me a lesson, What the lesson is I am not sure. I would think that the harshness that I came across with this evening remains to be see.

I wish i could find the word explain... I wish her to have all the love that she deserves without being abused. I wish her to find someone to complete her circle, draw on her strengths and feed her ever loving passions. I want her to have the life that was stolen for her, I would willingly give up mine for hers, because she deserves the chances that I have squandereed.

....Rage.... Rage against the dying of the light.

if that fails... change your identity declare a new direction and fall for the next thing that walks through your door..

I am trying to recall a poem that I had written before... I will find it and post it here.... Too bad my old power book was tainted... The well of emotion is dry.

Thanks for commenting on my blog.. your words are like the laxative I needed. Remeber lies make the baby jesuses cry.

2004-06-24T01:26:00.000-05:00

What do you get when you mix lots of darts, and discussions of the brown tone? Actually nothing... I was surfing for the existence of the tone that when heard causes one to evacuate ones' bowels. and I came across this:

First of all, it really should be ODORLESS. If it is foul, then there is food that is rotting throughout the digestive tract better known as fermentation or decomposition. Usually stems from Bad Combinations of Food (once again, that was one of the reasons for The Food Combining Guide" … to avoid this almost entirely.) or even drinking a lot of fluids when you eat which makes a terrible strain on optimum digestion.

The best CONSISTENCY would be like that of porridge or thick oatmeal.
It should not be hard and logy or loose and watery! If it's hard and logy, then not enough fiber (no, bran doesn't get it) in the diet. This is one of the hassles of eating meat…NO FIBER! This is where we came up with the saying, "Eat Greens with Proteins" and of course that will also coincide with the 3 Commandments of Food Combining.
Watery Stools mean Diarrhea or some other problem usually with food poisoning or the like.

And above all they should not FLOAT! Too much gas in the stool when it floats. So there goes that "Stinky Floaties" hypothesis! Her presentation was superb and I would hear her again, but the science of her physiology was poor at best.

It has to be QUICK and EFFORTLESS! And each of us can relate to the times when we are in the restrooms in a restaurant or any other public restroom where you think the walls are going to come tumbling down with the person in the stall going through some changes just trying to void themselves. Boy Howdy!

Sometimes I wonder if Sigmoid Freud got the pleasurable sensation of a good bowel movement mixed up with a sex thrill or somethin' other.

And as I have mentioned in our Audio Series when I interviewed the Great Dr. Frank Sabatino in which he commented that there should be a church called, "The Church of the Immovable Bowel"! It's sad but so true. One to two minutes is long enough. We don't want you dozin' and drulin' in there!

Now many times should we go each day? The correct answer to that would be EVERY TIME WE EAT! But at least twice a day would be very healthy. I guess that's where we probably get the term, "BEING REGULAR".

One more thing about the COLOR: It should represent the color of the food we ate. Spinach will naturally have a greenish color, Beets will definitely be red no matter what else you ate and Carrots will have that color as well. But a universal color would probably be Greenish, Yellowish with slight tint of Brown. Almost picturesque you might say.

But don't get your camera there might be someone waitng!

Even though I made light of this most important subject, I would like to suggest that we take a more conscious effort of how we feed ourselves as Colon Cancer is the third most commonly-occurring form of Cancer (in both men and women). And since Cancer is the second major killer in our country with it positively being diet related, then we can breathe a sigh of relief knowing, not wishing hoping or praying but knowing that we are in control of that devastating problem in our society.

Okay that comes from this link: The Mysteries of a Good KAKA POO POO

I was oddly drawn to this page... only because the author actually used the words, BOY HOWDEE

On a somwhat brighter note, I went to IKEA today. I brought the Patsy... by her request... It was her first time, and considering her health she made it all the way across the top floor. which is almost the equivalent to walking through Walmart a couple of times.. she managed to buy what everyone that goes the IKEA for the first time buys... the 1.99 package of AA battery and a NON-stick pan and a rug.... yes a rug.. I was proud of her, she bought something to counter-act the early eishenhauer period piece of a the house... Yikes. can I say yikes a little louder. YIKEs!~!

Got another interview in the works... The past is still as bleak as the future, but at least there is maybe.

2004-06-22T22:06:00.000-05:00

I took care of Pandoras box. I have a really good thought. Lies make the baby jesuses cry. Lies. I also realized something really incredibly proufound. That is the place you leave is bound to change with time. There is very few exceptions to this rule. Scratch that I think is more of an axiom. The stream of time has somehow managed to create an envelop around Tremont PA, specifically the house. Time moves at half speed. Upon reentry to the normal flow of time your body must speed to up make the transition. Its not a connection that can be explained with words. Those who have experienced the beautiful thing clammor to return. The power of such a simple place heals all that walk through its arches. A simple abode that appears to be nothing from the street except a simple row home that draws space within to heal the family, or people that have become family, Forgiveness doesnt even needed to be asked for it is given without exception. Amazing to those who refuse to accept. You were fashionable sensitive, but too cool to care...... Some comment on the weather. Tearing me apart... and your thoughtless words are breaking my heart.... breaking my heart... That jewel interlude brought to you by the ressurection of my MP3 collection. It may not be as cool as some... but guess what It doesnt matter. I spent alot of time with the chairman..... Its cool to be considered a freind for a change as opposed to the cause of a problem. I think there is a possiblity to have another decade plus relationship.. To replace the broken ones that have caused, me to have that emptyness Wait not emptyness but the abscence of pain... Finally I am who I am without being judged. Its down to just the people in my immmediate family. Jealously direct and pissed because I am able express the feelings that have been buried for almost half a century. Why do you bother reading this? Why is it so important? Do you really think this about you? or your boyfriend? Whatever you need to tell yourself to act the way you are I feel sorrow for you. The grave you have dug for me is not going to be used today. I wouldnt give you that power of me and my future. No matter how much you want to hide behind self-actualization, Tony Robbins, Desousa, or any other human potential movement star you should develop your inner voice for yourself, Nobody else. Not cuz I say so, Not cuz Mommie or Daddie or anyone else says so. It doesnt matter if I ever see talk, or interact with again. The stains you have inflicted on your own soul is not my responsiblity to bear. Its yours. I can walk away with a clean conscience. and I can here the harumphing when you read this. Its okay, I think I am allowed to indulge. after all this is my blog, and the likely hood of me taking the blog down is almost non-existent. I like here, They like it here We all like it here, Nobody is forcing you to click your little Ibook and goto this page, how do I know, Conformity is something that comes very naturally to you. Free thought is not something that comes easy to you. What happens now that I am gone...whose the new villain? I am glad my tenure is gladly completed. I have discovered something in my sojurn to East coast and back. Life is made of choices and consquences. I have perfectly capable of owning up for the responsible for my actions. Can you say the same? No amount of psychology classes with give you the edge your looking for. Dont be foolish enough to make that mistake. Knowledge is only the first steping stone of enlightenment. I dont expect you to know this until you discover it on your own. I barely have the grasp of this and I have seen much more of the world's offerings. Age has a tendancy to do this to you. I want to thank you for teaching my the lessons that you have, Some of them are so simple that that you wouldnt even believe them if I mentioned them here. Some were so mind altering that I dont often offer this but the have changed the path of my life forever. Anyway this blog isnt always about you. Its not even always about me. I glad you were able to take down poopfish because you think I was reading to keep tabs on you. News flash my life is a bit more complicated than that. Personally your blog should be for you and you alone. What ever your convincing "YOU" are these days. All the negative rhetoric that is directed about me, is sad. My first impression was the correct one.

Much like bill clinton, history will be the judge of what has been said on behalf of everyone involved. I wish that you and yours get whatever you deserve. Plain simple, directly. Please do not continue to assume that my passiveness is weakness. I have an infinite amount of patience and when they are exhausted I will not act. I wont have to Time is the imortal equalizer. I will travel where I want when I want.
I dont need to compete for pity here. Life is what you make it. Families much like the spaces we try and hold together change, sometimes this change is not realized until its not too late. Walking into Downtown Disc made this crystal for me. With closing of their doors, I realize Dekalb much like me has changed its no longer the friendly place to live, I have outgrown the land of corn. Its almost to say, that playground no longer holds any interest. I thought it would be hard to come back and visit and relive memories of more than 10 years. and I figured out that is not who I am anymore. I say this for my own benefit. That pond is out of oxygen and its time to move into the ocean. My fond memories are rooted in Extreme sports boy, and Lincoln and Remos and Jenny and Sara and Matt, Ate Rhoda and all those people that made my stay @ NIU that much more richer.
Whatever, Fine, so be it. When I fell from the Pedestal and it broke and I woke up with a concussion, I realized that I have been on a two year path of self-involved binge fest. Thats over I am taking my resposiblity for the things I need and I going to weather the storm, No matter how much the manipulation of nature you think is possible the key is that the Achilles heel must be the same for me to fall. If you feel that is your only course of action so be it. I just want you to know I knew exactly when it all fell apart.... you do too, the connection was poisoned and it showed through... and I was too self involved to bother to revive it. Thats all in the past The question on the floor why bother with facade? I dont expect an answer, it doesnt matter, and I really dont care. Thats the best part of time, it does heal all wounds, and no matter how you think you have devisated my life, I have felt worse by much more important people.

I should manage to put in some metatags someday... I think its pretty cool the audience for the blog grows with the weeds in the yard. I think highest compliment I could be paid was to be told I had a touch of Hemmingway... At least I got some of the vital atttributes pegged...(tank-ass, High self opinion. etc) However I look at other's blogs any only think that mine my look too polished. After all, typos aside, my mood has not improved. Its still dark, its not for the past, but its for the future.

2004-06-22T02:28:00.000-05:00

Found Pandoras box today.... I deliberating if I am going to open it. I think I just might. Beware.

2004-06-21T01:53:00.000-05:00

So I just got back from a really good coffee with my friend. Among the important topics of discussion we feel that have a responsiblity to create a Top number of 80's films that everyone should see... Kinda like AFC Top 100... but I think much more relavant to us Gen Xers... There is a list started, but I will only publish this after we fully define our criteria. We also discussed doing a where are they now with a coulple of people. The person we thought of was the blonde haired dude that was in Karate Kid and Back to School as the Jock "villian" His name thanks to the IMDB website is William Zabka... or Billy Zabka and apparently he is still getting work... I think I already know too much about this guy... Yikes... Theres also a motion on the floor to start this 80's list with 1978, because too many movies were really good in 78 and 79. Although looking some of the movies that I thought were 78-79 were actually 1980 (Blues Brothers) if you have any criteria ideas submit them here or email them to me... Anyway... Its always good to get a kick in the pants from my friend she reminds me that I have a brain and I need to use it more often. Uncomplicate my life, and remove those things(people) that make me angery, sad etc, and fill it with people who dont. Thanx......

2004-06-20T13:06:00.000-05:00

What a great party. That was sooo much fun. I spoke to an old friend this morning, and she worried because our ships kept passing in the night. Talk about enlightend conversations. She is always good for taking the conventional turning it on its ear and making you look at things skewed. She is like Bifocals for my SCOT VISION. She too is on trial with jesus, along with not being saved... I think that we should rent the microbus... fill it with some good libations(see I can use 50 dollar words tooo) and hoist a few.... (Shout out to the made for TV movie star and his extreme sports.) and Drive it straight to Hell. Because we had a discovery, that you can do and say anything you like if your saved by Jesus... Accept Jesus Christ as your lord and savior... Things I also learned that families are NUTS. The best thing I love about my Kimmmiiiiieeee is that is probably one of my most smartest friends, who is intellegent enough to see people for who they really are, are dont need to biased to make their own judgements.

2004-06-19T21:19:00.000-05:00

So I am going to blantantly steal this from a much wiser person than I. Here goes:

Revelation of the day
. . .pondered while I was in the pond. . .

A revision of an old proverb:

- Boring people talk about themselves.

- Insecure people talk about others.

- Conspicuous consumers talk about things.

- Educated people talk about books.

- Intelligent people talk about ideas.

- Enlightened people don't talk much. They listen.

We're all at least a little of each.

Goo Kimmmmmeeee Go...... Kimmeeee

2004-06-19T21:08:00.000-05:00

If you have come back to town to take stock of your life, I say leave your livestock alone, Its past. Look toward the future. This coming from a man now dressed in a TOOGA.... TOGA TOGA TOGA!!! yesh I am headed to a toga party. Hopefully, I wont get blasted too hard and end up flashing the boys to everyone like when I dressed as Brittany Spears.... memories right kids thats always something we all wanna remember? Anyway... gotta give credit to Minnie Driver again... Wow, isnt my life pathetic. At least I dont wish I drowned on the titanic, because of daft bitch hogging a big ole victorian door. According to my friends I am broken and I can not not provide sympathy sufficiently... wooosh... off to the party... I only wait for Dingy and the Limbo.... or Horny Goatee Weed.

2004-06-19T12:14:00.000-05:00

As I was pushed through a plate glass window this morning at three am. Or at least thats what it felt like when I heard my cell phone ring in my dream and all the quiet was broken, My thoughts were no longer my own, I felt the cold harsh reality of night touch my expose foot from under my covers and I realized that my phone had rung, Panicked, no knowing which bed I awoke from, I jump out of bed and flew across the room and realized that I was stuck in Glendale Heights, somehow miraclously I would have thought that Tremont or even DeKalb would have been. I think that symbolically DeKalb represents the past, and Tremont represents the future. Glendale Heights maybe limbo, maybe something else, I am not really sure, I did know however I didnt want to be woken up to be informed that McDonalds didnt not serve a full menu at 3am. I guess that gets filed in the useless fact section of my brain. Whaddaya thunk? I also finally was able to purchase one of my favorite movies, Grosse Pointe Blank. and To quote the great Minnie Driver, Where are all the good men dead...in the Heart or in the Head?.....
I sit here watching bad PBS, and pondering this question further: Will I ever reach enough escape velocity from here to get away from all of this? I like the analogy of the plate glass window. I was informed this week that I was on trial with God for my indisgessions, to this I say, "SMITE me almighty SMITER!" who cares if its spelled right or not?
Its been such a long time that someone has wanted to fix me. Fix me for all the wrong reasons: THIS JUST IN:::::: psycho beach party has started.... and me without my sunscreen.... more on that later.

2004-06-19T00:45:00.000-05:00

I was cubed tonight. That was pretty scary. For those of you have never been cubed I found it highly worthwhile. I shared some of my writing, I was told I had a touch of Hemmingway. I was flattered.... I dont think Hemmingway and I should be compared, I just write things I think about everyday. A field of black orchids. A stable of nightmares. Dreams of undying pain and sadness. Will you make it stop? If you know how call here. I think you know the number if not, then call information the number is in the book under: Forget about it. thats right forget about it.

2004-06-17T22:55:00.000-05:00

Funny as it may seem, The primary audience for this blog is myself. Those few people that actually have this link, may think that its all about them, and it really isnt. Its about me. Its about how I move through this world and the damage I choose to inflict on the planet. I can honestly say that I hope all of you enjoy this prose, it makes me feel more centered, its like a true friend, unconditionally I can write whatever I want and it is okay, no judgements, no scars, No lies. Its all me. So get over yourself, its not always all about you, Its just simply why things are this way. Comment if you dare, I really dont think your able, because if you did you would have to deal with the lies and deceit that you have created.

2004-06-17T01:21:00.000-05:00

Why do I even bother?

2004-06-15T22:54:00.000-05:00

Time to take responsiblity for my actions. It is my fault I am alone. It is my fault I am jobless. It is my fault that I have No Friends, It is my fault that I am alone, It is my fault that I am unemployable, It is my fault that my "friends" laugh about me behind my back, It is my fault that I am on trial with Jesus, It is my fault that I have no focus in my life. It my fault that my life has no direction and that I am living other peoples lives. It is my fault that I am alone. It is my fault that my family is broken apart, It is my fault that I am alone, broke and penniless, It is my fault that the only happiness I have ever had I left slip through my hands thrice. Kim is all my fault, Krista, Amy, Amy, Becky,Marci, Charlotte,Mary are all My fault. Its my fault that my back is in pain, Its my fault that Linda lost the list for the materials, Its my fault my grandmother didnt live, Its my fault that my mother is sick, its my fault that I have no relationship with my brother, its my fault I am alone, Its my fault that I drove everyone close to me away to protect myself, Its my fault that your not happy, its my fault that you were played, Its my fault I was played, Its my fault that the computer didnt work, Its my fault it rained, its my fault the clutch went, its my fault that Dennis went insane its my fault that Brenda and Patsy are not talking, Its my fault. This road I have put myself on is my own doing. I can not blame anyone but the man in the mirror.
Having said this Its time to say goodnight.

2004-06-15T00:44:00.000-05:00

I wanna take the time to pay homage to some really great Blasting I found:

You'll breathe as free as you want, and keep on declaring, because you're speaking blindly to an open crowd that couldn't possibly care if I live or don't already.
~~~ Is this a cry for help or an advertisment for Teen Suicide Hotline... you tell me?.. How does one speak blindly? Wouldnt not be Speaking to a deaf crowd?

You're just too obsessed with losing and being the inferior one that your ego has burst.
~~~ Its not that my ego burst, Your just pissed because the half-assed voodoo that you work on all those poor shlups in Schuykill County doesnt work on me or my friends. I didnt jump like the mindless rabble that have following you. Please if anyone else has to live through one of your empty and hollow proclamations, empty threats to eldery women on their death beds. Wow your so intellengent, I wish I could live in Mediocrity like you? Tell me does Tiff, err wait, unhun Megan know about your dirty little cheating secret? Hmmmm... I bet she'd like to know that....
It's ok to cry, we all know you didn't love your dad, and we all saw through your plasticity (as you coined it so wondefully) at the services and the repetitive moronathon that was your fake sadness
~~ The great thing about my dad is that he knew I loved him. As for speaking to my plasticity, How about you Mr. They wont let me read what I want at the funeral so I will pout. Your one pathetic repressed Mother Fucker. Its sad. Fake sadness: I think the best example of this is that I saw our grandparents more than you and I lived 800 miles away. ..."The only people that mattered our now buried in the side of the hill" Revisionist history, you could be bother with them when they were alive so now you will mourn them? Your pathetic, the cool thing is you will carry that pain around for the rest of your life, Daddy see daddy do. Keep vigil at the grave when you could have celebrated their lives you prefer to celebrate their death... Yes you are right there was only 1 brazzo. and No clones. I am myself. Does the fac so tough you would face me.... instead you prefer to snipe. Grow up you little bitch, Fucking tree hugger wanna be.... t that I live in Tremont by choice piss you off? or the fact that I can move about the country aggrevate you? If you were

(Don't forget to give that dog you call an eight year college degree in "communications" a cookie!! Here boy! Here! Wait...which is the dog really?

~~ Your not done yet talk to me when you have a BA/BS.. Those people who live in glass houses just shouldnt. Obviously you havent realized that Patsy is better at slinging mud that Anyone one in your family. Yes I am a dog. you caught me.

Can you imagine driving someone to create such of hatred. Wow. I would love to Mystery Science Theater this post, but its shear artistry is worth commenting alone

2004-06-15T00:41:00.000-05:00

very large headed hairy mongloid children with a twist of asian influnence. Thats what I see in the future. Some people think lifes' a bitch I think in this case genetics are.

2004-06-15T00:36:00.000-05:00

Hey the posts have slowed down but I havent. A suspicous virus after the last string of posts. Is dishonesty a virus that infects us all? I wonder sometimes, I think it takes more energy to lie than it does to just simply tell the truth. I have a message for those who seek the truth. It was truly a sad day when I realized that you were ugly on the inside. No matter how much you try to fill the hole that lies in your soul you will never, because that hole is there to remind you that you are a sum of your experiences. Its much better than Kharma you see, Kharma is kind, that type of stain, or whole will never be filled no matter how much mea culpa is offered.

2004-06-13T02:07:00.000-05:00

One of my very close friends informed me of something really really really really really funny. Not only do they know bannana hands they were his "special guest" the last time he was in town. After a long ardious conversation about Mr. Hands I came to yet another conclusion. Those who can, Do, Those who cant goto Bananna Hands seminars.

2004-06-13T02:04:00.001-05:00

Hmmm... I am very suspect of getting a virus after my last series of posts. Yet another close friend caught their signifigant other lying and Cheating. I would know NOTHING about that......

2004-06-08T22:41:00.000-05:00

Wow, talk about a fuctup day. A distress call, and being blown off durring the distress. Wow, this person will never learn... They think Kharma has been paid back, and well, she just did it agin. Its kinda fuct up. I was really hurt, and dissappointed but I put it into prespective, it amazing how taken for granted I have become. I think that is what is sad... I think this person should be written off. Maybe thats what this I need to disappear again this just confirmed there is NOTHING left for me here...except for the dog, Wow thunder is amazing... fifteen minutes with that mutt and I felt so much happier. More and More and More interviews. Maybe a job soon.