Welcome back... I'm starting to find writing voice again as the closer I get to the realization of some of the things in the world being righted again.

Its funny. One or two of the most powerful lesson's I continue to learn, (not as if I forget) is that of the universe. It is most perfect state, it has a tendency to want balance, fairness, and overall equality. The interesting part of about this, is that most humans, myself included have an overwhelming need and sense of immediacy that we demand the universe provide for, and when it doesn't.. we like hurl rocks at it, because after, someone needs to make amends for 'my loss'.

The universe as part of this equilibrium will fix itself. In other words, things like revenge is a waste of time, because anything possibly think up, the universe will trump with an elegance that is second to none. The second and more startling part of this lesson is realizing you seldom get what you want.. but you always get what you need.. F me for quoting the Stones, that wasnt my intent. The point is, as humans we think we know what we want, in reality, we don't. I could dive down into the depths of choice, and how the things we choose may or may not be to please others... but quite frankly, I've only got a about 500 words in me, before I click away to another site.

Goals are fine. But there is something to be said for the surrendering a bit of yourself to the universe. Not in wreck-less manner, mind you, but more of a permission to fail. as someone whose failed at a lot things, and had some success, I almost find the failure more satisfying as it usually motivates me to either examine things in a way I never thought before, or do some much needed introspection.

This blog is almost 10 years old. Its fun to back and read some of the angriest posts. Hate blogging. OMG Fuck that. The older I Get, the stronger these ability get the more resolute I become.

Its seems that I post here so far and few between or something really has to rattle me to the core to sit down and bang it out..

Most of you who've read my posts, know that from about the Middle of June til the middle of July, I have a tendancy to slip into a self reflective funk and I don't really let anyone get in or out, and I don't really care about anything except remembering the people who are now abscent from table at christmas dinner.

This year was supposed to be different, This is the closest I've come to balancing my life in so many ways, better than when this project started.. I've matured just enough to know, its not all about me, its about the past, and the present. Anyway, I've become only more rooted in trusting me, when it comes to pretty much everything, Its like my internal monologue is finally clear... I'm swayed less by external forces, and in this race for me, because If I'm not in for me, I'm not really good to anyone else.

So back to this year, and the Month of Loss, Just when the scars of had started to heal over of the past, Fate, and loss rears its ugly head. Actually I forget this is the 2nd year in a row, A truly ugly human being died in 2009, and in 2010, well, a very sad man died, maybe from shame, maybe from a broken heart.. What happens when your dad dies? What happens when your mom dies? Does this make you an orphan? I think its the responsibility of the ones that are still here to adopt you, regardless of if you already have a husband, kids, or wife, Nobody will ever love you like your parents. They infuriate the shit out of you, and make it so you don't want to speak to them for years, but at the end of the day nobody will ever love you like your parents...

Okay, wait a min... That may not be entirely true. Sometimes parents can't get the shit together, enough to be responsible enough to manage another life. fair enough.. Sometimes family is something cobbled together by the people that come into your life and stay. Sometimes that can be much more supportive than any parent.. but I digress...

So there is another person missing from Christmas dinner, or Your birthday, or coming to see you perform, the point is, they are really never gone. They live on as legends, even if its only to the people that knew them. So when looking back on their lives the biggest honor we can pay them is to never stop talking about them.

The last 48 hours have been a culmination of some of the worst luck of my life. Its like the years have melted back to 2003 when I was emotionally bankrupt, and its been reminding me how easily happiness can slip away. I only hope the damage I've done is repairable. If not.. really whats the point.

Yet again I find myself chasing the sheep instead of counting them. I think its high time someone wrote an insominac's love story. It should be about a man and his quest for unfettered sleep. I could make it a best seller. There so many things that are choking up the future right now from my past. Its like someone decided open the time capsule of all the cancerous poisons that have been locked away.

I might just be my own wort enemy. As you see, even when I have happiness, I alway talk myself out of it. I have no reason to be sad yet, I keep coming a dredging up the past inadvertently.

I saw my Dad in my cousin's newborn baby's eyes. What a wierd feeling. I havent told too many people this. I suspect they'd drum me out of the sane club for a trip to the looney bin.

This is such a momentous thing... I'm surrounded by people who truly love me, and want me to succeed. I'm not used to this. gone are the days' of blah blah and her army of one night stands. Lts not forget closet case, and his garage door wife..

6 years have gone by, and the smug arrogant prick still lives.. He just pays it forward more...

So much for graduating in 4 years Wiscount. I'm sure you'll read this. Fuck.. try harder to be me.. you might actually got out of tremont. Asshole.

Why not dust off the the old keyboard and type something. Its been too long. Far too long not to type something about the chronic needs for the rest of the faculty.

Not bad for 2.5 weeks of moving. and doing too much remodeling.


The sounds of your secrets are louder than the crys of the past.

Its 4am saturday morning, and I just got watching Clerks II, I hate to say this but seldom is a sequel better than the original. Maybe a touch hollywood, but seems like Kevin Smiith has come into his own, The long winding dialogue about senseless pop culture kinda rears up and smacks you in the face.

I am using the movie as a vehicle to write this post, I dont know why right now, I am plugged into a some music, I like the idear of insomnia... there seem to be some peace in the sleeplessness that I am feeling right now.

Things are looking up. I want the people around me to be happy, not just the symbolic happy, but the sub atomic happiness that helps one fall asleep at night. insert some silly blanket analogy here. Happpiness is warm blanket in which you can wrap yourself.


wow that such horeshit. or whoore shit.

O I seem unable to stop rewarding my own bad behavior

I would like to say I am sad. but I am not, I am more waiting, waiting for the goodness to stablize. Life has been sucking big time since 2004. Some bright spots... some great emptiness. Wow I just re-read what I just posted and I think that I need to warsh my pussi.... eeek...

So I beg the question, Where did that guy go? is he still in there? or did he die quiet death of desparation... Your only good as your last act of kindness.

This is about me... .not about you. Everytime a new rock in my mental garden is overturned and I figure out something new about me and my ablities. The feedback is overwhelmeing...

TTYL sleep comes.

Here we go again.

Find a house, Rant and rave about a house, Lose a house,


Its my own damn fault. I cant even commit to a cell phone plane let alone a mortage. What a crzy weekend. From a Bad movie, (wolf creek) to wiring up a 5.1 system to my friend new big screen. To ikear, dryer installation, a trip to minooka, to a luxury overnight stay, to a keyless entry remote starter combination. Heres something that will make those ball chillin mornings better. If remmeber to turn the seats on.

WTF, I hate weak minded people. I hate copy cats. I hate people thats sole drive is to be better than me. I am nothing to be competed with, A sad loser surrounded by strong network of friends that love me, no matter how badly I screwup, putting a desk in here was the best thing I could ever done for myself here. Its a outlet again to vent into the ether of the injustice in equity that is life. the long and short of it is. FUCK YOU. get a life. Come clean about your true desires. Although what do you expect, conformity is easier than innovations.

Time to pass out... God love the non daylight savings time.