Wow, has it been a long time since I posted..... A multiplicity of things have worn on me to point of breaking, I am technically on a business trip right now to the deep south, which is supposed to be my future home. The problem is, it doesnt feel like home, it feels like a foreign country.
South Carolina can be described a different world beautiful and challenging, alas I dont think I am up for the emotional challenge that it presents to me. I have spent the first five days of my trip in a house that is very much like a FRAT HOUSE with a board room. Empty, and haunted by what I cannot decide, door slaming in the middle of night, window panes rattling at all hours. When the house was quiet I would think. I did alot of that. Think about the future and how to make it better. I also thought about the past and longed for the days I felt more alive. I smell patchouli and drift back to a time when goin out on a Friday night was as simple as a Cafe Mocha, and a leatherbound writing journal, to write about the latest tragedy. Who was that boy that blue eye sparkled for the thought of life? I know he is not dead. He may just be buried, but I think I need to unbury him and make him be a bigger part of who I AM.
The lonelest feeling in the world is to come home to an empty house, a house that could be full of support love, and joy, had it not be emptied by my selfishness and blind imaturity. But that is an issue I cannot control anyway.
Apparently someone has been threatened in the management department at my wouldbe home... I got repremanded for NOT having on a collared shirt and safety shoes, whereas my compatriots were and encourage to wear jeans w/holes. I was informed of this five minutes before the end of my maiden week, and when it was all over I wanted to get on the next flight and return home, Well, I would like to say that I did that... But I did the next best thing, I jumped in my unlimited mileage rental car and drove nine hours to Tremont. I suprised my aunt and uncle and I am currrently posting this from the supercomputer that I built a summer ago. I have never felt so much more welcome at peace than I do here. I wanted to stay in our home in Tremont, but I stayed here instead. My aunt and uncle knew I was here to heal. They all did. thats why I am here now. they wanted me to stay here so I didnt have to deal with opening up the house for just a couple hours, but I am here to renew.. it will have to be refreshed quick about it, but I must say I am feeling the effects already. I pulled into town and drove past the houses of everyone I that I care about and I started to cry, A rarity indeed for me. To admit this I just cant say why its okay to say here. maybe I am looking for something that is lost, maybe I am looking to be found in either case. I knew this is where I belong in this moment. My goal is to be clarified, know who I am not. and weed out all that that I left here for the cleansing. revist the wounds that need to be healed and not ignored so that my life again can be whole.
