Welcome back... I'm starting to find writing voice again as the closer I get to the realization of some of the things in the world being righted again.

Its funny. One or two of the most powerful lesson's I continue to learn, (not as if I forget) is that of the universe. It is most perfect state, it has a tendency to want balance, fairness, and overall equality. The interesting part of about this, is that most humans, myself included have an overwhelming need and sense of immediacy that we demand the universe provide for, and when it doesn't.. we like hurl rocks at it, because after, someone needs to make amends for 'my loss'.

The universe as part of this equilibrium will fix itself. In other words, things like revenge is a waste of time, because anything possibly think up, the universe will trump with an elegance that is second to none. The second and more startling part of this lesson is realizing you seldom get what you want.. but you always get what you need.. F me for quoting the Stones, that wasnt my intent. The point is, as humans we think we know what we want, in reality, we don't. I could dive down into the depths of choice, and how the things we choose may or may not be to please others... but quite frankly, I've only got a about 500 words in me, before I click away to another site.

Goals are fine. But there is something to be said for the surrendering a bit of yourself to the universe. Not in wreck-less manner, mind you, but more of a permission to fail. as someone whose failed at a lot things, and had some success, I almost find the failure more satisfying as it usually motivates me to either examine things in a way I never thought before, or do some much needed introspection.

This blog is almost 10 years old. Its fun to back and read some of the angriest posts. Hate blogging. OMG Fuck that. The older I Get, the stronger these ability get the more resolute I become.

Its seems that I post here so far and few between or something really has to rattle me to the core to sit down and bang it out..

Most of you who've read my posts, know that from about the Middle of June til the middle of July, I have a tendancy to slip into a self reflective funk and I don't really let anyone get in or out, and I don't really care about anything except remembering the people who are now abscent from table at christmas dinner.

This year was supposed to be different, This is the closest I've come to balancing my life in so many ways, better than when this project started.. I've matured just enough to know, its not all about me, its about the past, and the present. Anyway, I've become only more rooted in trusting me, when it comes to pretty much everything, Its like my internal monologue is finally clear... I'm swayed less by external forces, and in this race for me, because If I'm not in for me, I'm not really good to anyone else.

So back to this year, and the Month of Loss, Just when the scars of had started to heal over of the past, Fate, and loss rears its ugly head. Actually I forget this is the 2nd year in a row, A truly ugly human being died in 2009, and in 2010, well, a very sad man died, maybe from shame, maybe from a broken heart.. What happens when your dad dies? What happens when your mom dies? Does this make you an orphan? I think its the responsibility of the ones that are still here to adopt you, regardless of if you already have a husband, kids, or wife, Nobody will ever love you like your parents. They infuriate the shit out of you, and make it so you don't want to speak to them for years, but at the end of the day nobody will ever love you like your parents...

Okay, wait a min... That may not be entirely true. Sometimes parents can't get the shit together, enough to be responsible enough to manage another life. fair enough.. Sometimes family is something cobbled together by the people that come into your life and stay. Sometimes that can be much more supportive than any parent.. but I digress...

So there is another person missing from Christmas dinner, or Your birthday, or coming to see you perform, the point is, they are really never gone. They live on as legends, even if its only to the people that knew them. So when looking back on their lives the biggest honor we can pay them is to never stop talking about them.

The last 48 hours have been a culmination of some of the worst luck of my life. Its like the years have melted back to 2003 when I was emotionally bankrupt, and its been reminding me how easily happiness can slip away. I only hope the damage I've done is repairable. If not.. really whats the point.