I went running down the hallway and I jumped into the mirror, On the other side, things seemed much more like they should be. There was no pain there... and all the things wrong were made right again. The problem is I was taking a shower in this alternative place and I was sucked back into the problems of what I once left. YOU STUPID WHORE... You lied more that BLAH BLAH... that takes talent. Success makes you fat I hear... Funny it had the the reverse effects on me.

I am here, I am alive, and I wonder, how many lies is your truth based on? What lies more can tell? Mommie was right, Once a liar always a liar.

I want to goto sleep tonight and not think of the pain of yesterday.
I want to goto sleep tonight and not think of the wasted yesterdays
I want to goto sleep tonight and forget about today.
I want to goto sleep tonight and wake up to a bright new tomorrow.
I want to goto sleep tonight and wake up next to you.

So you may laugh at me, but I just went to see herbie fully loaded. I reminded me how much of my life I wasted on chasing after the acceptance of other people. I forced somenoe to write a list of what they reallly wanted to focus their energy in that posistion. Quite frankly I know what I want its just so utter impossible at this slice of time to see through the haze that I left settle of my heart. What if everyone figures out I am completely full of shit. I dont know any better than the rest of you fucks.... reeally I dont. .... Eventually everyone tires of me and longs for me to go away. Full of shit I am. Full of shit I be. I am 30 and I have nothing to show for it. My friends are splintered and scattered to the wind. My own family can barely tolerate me. I recently let go of some anger that was over a decade old. And I think I am still reeling from it. How to deal with someone as petty and childishness rivals my own. The moon is full tonight. I beg the moon's indulgence to make things right again. Back to a time where things were good and a new. Before the Scamdals before the betrayl before the I allowed blah blah to poison my life. I clamor... What it be like if eveyone was still here. lets turn back the clock ten years. I wanna to keep the knowledge I have now though, I wouldnt be laying in my childhood bed on a wirless keyboard stairing my tv. I would someplace else, Thanking my blessing for not fucking the last decasde up. Death would be an easy exit here on the on ramp of life, but I know the rules.. Iican hang out here for a while... meanwhile I feel I slowly feel my spirit dying inside my body. I dont ask for people to pity me pity is overated. I ask for the indulgence to just be. Stop trying to clamour for their attnetion you ahole.... dont force your agenda on them. dont you get it. Driving around tonight with the windos open at speeds that are just fun I kept thingking less painful lonelyness is when its a constant. I beg for the patience to realize why I am still here. Or not. this would be funny if it were so trus, I am like a giant sponge and I am willing to take our pain away just so you can be free and lieave without intruding in life. I just paused in my head and relived a moment the is ye t to happen. IYou going to wathc this blog pain aattention for the clues the clues of what I know to be true

another skip in time this time My life has spilled out onto the deck... below it was like a cheese for better or worse, we have a blank about people chocie, Good night, I miss you

night...

Its official I am going to hell. I have learned so much of the torture that I put hairy through in the last months of our relationship. No wonder she opted out for Downsy Mogoloid and his bad of crazy critters... Although the Setup I had her find was truly fun and exciting but thats why I am here today. There is this growing trend of mmy computer not being anything like it once was. I picked up a wireless mours/keyboard combo so now I can lay in bed in type... no desk... stay in bed. I have learned more about the fucked up logic that is mean in the last 60 days than I learned in five years. experience is a great teacher too baad she lied about some things. Anyway I also came to another conclusion which I will only allude to here... a change is in the works. hopefully I will qualify and I will survive the them all. talk to you later.....

A Mirror is more honest to oneself, Than a photograph.

Things I was able to accomplish:
I erased all contact with Hairy, and Mogoloid Boy.
All that remains are some scandalous mpegs. (Ebay anyone?)

I went home I realized that I need to go back permanently.
I now get it. I am supposed to be there and not here. I am usch a horrible person that the lvoe of my life cheated on me. Htheee thats what I used to think. More like I was lied to because Hairy didnt know any better. I guess mommie/ shakes the clown was right.yikes.

It doesnt matter. Maybe it does. Nothing like 20 hours in the car to make you feel alive again. This trip much like the computer parts was rather cathardic... i took all the broken pieces of my life put them back together and gave them a new veneer. Staples is slowy becoming my favorite office supply store. They are like OfficeMAx used to be many years ago. (before that Black guy with the lopsided afro... I am not getting that marketing concept are you? Filling out the randomizer this week was a Dvm calin me and asking if I am in IL I am.... she said good i need to call you later. I am not sure waht that is all about. I need to sleep. this is a good night to go inot a coma. not comma, coma. Eeek! hope you enjoyed it. I konw I didnt. Fucko.

Heres a switch even that shell is gone now. Its clear to me that I know now what I need to do. I deleted you out of my phone book and your mongoloid headed boyfriend as well. Pork out with your Bad self.

Well its been over a year since I had my own functional computer. and I finally got on e up and running. Cathardic as it was to bulid it was a metahpor for my life. My old computer as it was great at the time, all the components worked together and they got the job done, however disfunctional in the end it was. I qet it now. well much like those old components are so was my iife is now, my shell is all here but what makes up me is now no longer the same. It is true I got a good spirtual kick to me head today. Actually more of a reminder of who I once was and now longer am. I guess it was a good thing as destroyed as I was after I heard it coming thats usuallly how the oracle strikes... too close to the truth about my need get ou here is. find me more lies later.

I feel a was more than a little remiss in speaking of of my sojurn to Champana. I forget what a fountain of positive energy the DVM is, I forgot how health it can be to drive across Illinois at great speeds. I don't think DVM knows how much of a positive impact she continues to have on my life. Without getting too sappy, She is a great ally and I am honoured to be considered a contemporary. I think back to our rocky beginings and how much of an Ahole I can be at Vodkas first grip. Yet through all of that we have managed to tay friends. In examing my relationships with other people, I am trying to isolate the good ones, and irradicate the old ones. Its true that when someone only lives up the road that when they are gone you miss them the most. I am glad we are friends. Across this last year of discovery, she has always been the supportive voice of the phone, reminding that just because everyone around you is FUCKED Up... and you see the imbalace and they dont doesnt make you the fuct up one. Anyway, I apologize for summing my Champanga experience just down to bad mexican. There as cheap drinks... and Swing Dancing... (MUAHAAHAA) those of you know me cant imagine me dancing I know. I have a lot of potential energy, all I can say is watch out when it goes kinetic.

I hate my job. I was denied a promotion because I was not qualified, But I am now answering questions, and training the person whom got promoted, Adding insult to injury... I was also told I could not apply for other posistion, A year of solitary confinement for I, Its really rather pathetic.

I used to think that love is an unreal concept. I had to convince myself last time I was in love, so I am what you could say a less than adovcate. Another very wise friend has fallen in love, and is extremely hAppy. So much so that This person is going move to the other end of the country. I am sad to see the departure of this person I realize why it is the journey must be taken. This person deserves a lifetime of happiness.. They have devoted their life to the happiness of others and not even though of themselves. More to come on this,

Hmmmm... Got a hold of the Nitwits xanga addy mysterously its been taken down. I figured I was supposed to find it. After all he took this blog changed the names and repacked as his own. Tonight the words just seems to pour out of me. I am a little kid with hurt feelings and I am very alone. I enjoy alone. I can start to work on the novella that I need to write. All of you will get a chapter. I started titling them out a while a ago... the most poignant I can not mention here. Type fast I do, for I wish my brains throughput would matchs my hands speed in typing. I need to write more. I can not wait to sit on the front porch with laptop in lap and muse.... Who the fuck am I kidding.

Pork up Porky.. 1.5 years til you will be a size 24... HURRRAH!!!

Okay I know imitation is supposed to be the best form of flattery, but This is ridicoulous. I just read something that literally makes me want to vomit. My former posts about Hair changed around because someone broke up with ther "wife" I am impresed it only took 2.5 years to figure out what bad path she was headed down. I read this persons pontification and I was like, holy shit if I sound like this put a fork in me I am done. I was supposed to find this blog, it was time. He is trying to rebuild a superhigway that he tore down. Its not that easy, and I would like to think I that I had some cause in his demise, but for once the universe has taken care of this imbalance.

I was the demon, and now that I no longer "influence" his life, and things are still fuct up He had to turn on his wife, what a sad, pathetic thing, I am not feeling any sypathy, because he must be responsible for his own actions, he threw away his family, and his source of income, because he was trying to make a stand in a very Dohman sort of way. In his mind he is the Alpha he is the Omega, in reality he is nothing more than a moon of Alpha, Omega, Cold, Dead and empty, and sucking energy off of those around him.

I know he thinks I took his cash cow away, that his family that used to shower him in present now shower me, Well he has it only half right, they shower me, but its not in presents, its in love and support, but its good, because its reciprocal. I am nor sure if he reads this and if does great, because unlike others, Poopfish, who needtd to take their indentity down for fear that the medicrity would be known by all I share it all, the good the bad, and the shitty.

By the way... Rumble Bee..... find your own godamn style. I didnt copy anybody, I am me. you fucktard. I am not angry at you, I dont feel sad for you i dont feel anything for you. I was willing to share Tremont, and you werent. I do nothing but live my life and take responsiblity for my actions. Grow up, or do you wanna be empty inside for the rest of your life, Follow the path of your father, mediocrity is the easier goal to acheive because, when you fail... theres always someone or someething else to blame it on.

Okay so it was brought to my attention that this world is messed up. Not that i didnt know it already. I wish i knew which direciton was up,,,,

Dont eat at Qudobo They SUCK!!!

Heres what I submitted to their customer comment line:

I just wanted to say that I had the WORST experience EVER at your Champaign IL restarant this Sunday. I ordered a Naked Burrito with extra Salsa and 3 Steak Tacos (Hard Shell) Plain with cheese and 3 cheese queso sauce, and I ordered it for delivery. First of all, The restaurant did not answer their phone the first three times we called (each time the phone rang at least 10 times) and when we finally did get an answer we they took the order, it took almost an hour and half to get the food and when we did it was not only COLD but the order was missing half. No Queso on the Taco, No Queso with the Medium order of chips, and The tacos were soft shelll. We called to complain and when we did the store representitive and he said oops, "I should have told you we dont delivery hard shell tacos... Sorry, " and in repsonse to the cheese, He said someone will bring it to you.. We waited for over an hour and half, and NOTHING....

This was my first experience with your restaurant chain, and let assure you I will be telling all of my friends to avoid ALL of your restaraunts because of the lack of service, and lack of value for the food,

Our bill was $20.00 for what amounted to Cold tacos, a cold burrito, and stale Chips with no sauce, and a promise to fix an order that was never fulfilled. As being someone who works in customer service for a living, If treated my customers the way I was treated, I would not retain very many customers.

A Very Disspointed First time Customer,
Domhan Solus

I dont know how this came about but I was going to title this post END TIMES. Something has been weighing on my mind as of late. I posed this question to a couple of friends and they just looked at me as if I was going off in one of my crazy fits of rage. The end times are here albeit not exactly as we thought they would be, I mean there has been no dramatic fire and Brimstone per se but there has been some happenstance that would like me to believe the supreme one (Higher Diety not the pizza) is about ready to call our number.

I was searching ebay last night very late and I came across a truly disturbing post. People actually sell used Enenma/Douche bags for anal/vagina/rectal irrigation. EEEEWWWAAAA... thats just nasty, and this coming from someone who was given a copy of Granny Gang Bang 72 Yikes.

This post started to be funny when I was thinking about it but its a couple of days old, and I am not quite in the mood to be funny.
I am not sure what in am in the mood for. Things have taken a turn for the interesting when it comes to things. Patsy refuses to let go of the people in my life that I just dont want to have part of it anymore, and it makes it really hard. I finally found the chink in the armour of a close friendship. Never call this person ont their actions even though they might be obvious beause the will lash out at you and say some pretty hurtfully brutal things. As with all things I just asmilate into what matters and move on....
So this weekend I present a challenge to myself. My goal is not to randomly sleep 15 or more hours in a single stretch. I leaving town for the weekend. well not really the weekend more like 24 hours... It should be nice... The land of Orange and Blue. Woo Who... I should come back recharged and seeing the world in a new light. I like a good emotional kick to the head sometimes.

Fuck it.......

A late night check-in here. It has been a truly bizarre week. I lost a promotion I didnt really want, and I have officially sank into a depression. I think we I sleep 14.5 hours in a day that constitutes a deep depression. I have decided though, I do not think I am going to talk about this, this time with anyone. Nobody wants to hear it, most of all myself.
The phone just rang its awesome how prejudiced Patsy is about my life, If she knew that the person on the other calling was her favorite grand niece things would be well, she came trapsing out of her bedroom to let me know she was displeased... and I am supposed to feel something other than contempt for her.
I have yet again left someone else in my life overide the direction that I need to be in. I am amazed at how spineless I have become. As the crow flys I find it interesting that My boss would goto any extent to sabotage a entire business channel at my company, I get the feeling that she knows she has done wrong and is waiting for my retrobution. Something that will never come, thats awfully petty. I love when someone wrongs you and they act differently because there is an assumption made that you will seek revenge. That again is very overated. Effects of decisions like this are felt for years to come. I received the message, Loud and Clear. Ty raid over. In a recent conversation with DVM we talked about her feelings on Garden State. I found it interesting she assigned such little value to the message it protrayed because it was too much like the people she knew. I can respect that, and It could just be that I am a drama addict, I dunno.
I drove around tonight after my 14.5 hours of sleep. I was awake for about 10 minutes because I did talk to my new insurance sales person friend about ducks, and other such oddities.

In the hallways of my mind there blows a draft, Cold and stinging, The more I turn up the Theromstat the harder the wind seems to drift across the floor. Its almost as if the cold air is nothing more than the negative thoughts that are slowly becoming who I am, I wonder how long it will take for me to completely dissappear into the inky blackness of a cool spring night. On the surface I would miss it, and maybe even be missed.
Who knows... Only the truly tortured souls get recognition when they pass. PLEASE DO NOT WORRY ABOUT ME. I am not planning on doing anything
"stupid" Its merely an observation. I know the rules now, and I need to play by them. What the hell that means for sure I dont know.
I almost made a really big mistake and got this promotion something that would have driven me farther away from where I need to be. "Stop taking the path of least resistance" DVM is good for the shockabooku..(spritual kick to head) but heres another barn burner for ya: We are our own reality. what we says goes. apart for societial rules, We define who the gets center stage... our scared 6 year old versions of ourselves. or the grownup that is dead and numb from barriers that are a result of burying every dream and aspiration in the backyard we all the former pet goldfish.

In retrospect, I wasnt that bad. I set the whole thing up You know what I mean. Stories are created. I needed to know what your truth was, and I did. I wanted to flush you out. Give your persmission to allow success to be your ruse. I know you still read this. You check it weekly. Its like a drug to you... you did with the X FLIP and you will do it with me. Suprising is not something your capapable of. You have no idea of what class is? When you figure out trading up for the next model is kinda sad because your going to be 48 on a baby farm and divorced because your spouse knows your nuts.
To my faithful readers, I am sorry for those who come here and read my words and have to thinkI am bitter, Its not really me, but the little things that are sent to me on behalve of a Former interest, We broke up because of her Cheating, Lying, and otherwise Whoring aroud... her idea of success was opening her legs for any guy that would promise a rich lifestyle.
Why do I revist this? because much like Blah Blah, I think that The universe will unfold as it needs and you will be barren, Alone, and wondering why you can find truth, because after 23 years of deception your the only one that was truly decieved.

Well the big 3 0h has come and went. Pretty anti climatic... I realized something today as I was driving around running errands for my uncle. I have successfully alienated myself to the rest of the world I find more comfort staying home on a saturday and licking my proverbial wounds. I have come to a couple of discoveries of late. I am yet again paring off my "friends" because they add no value, oh shit who I am kidding, its more like they a paring me away from being value added, read that last line it seems as if I wrote a training manual of this.

Does everyone have a favorite childhood hot dog stand they go to when they want to relive the past? I cant help but get hungry and go up the block and get a "Tommy's Special" 2 hotdogs frys and a large drink for 4 bucks... I am getting old because I remember when it was 1.50 YIKES
and the fries were not frozen but real potatoes.

Another random musing is that the moon look rather full. Its kinda funny.... Much work to do tonight or should I say much work to undo? you be the judge? Does anybody read this? I am curious...

I did get a pardon from causing someone to ballon up I found out... long since I was gone... maxium density has been achieveed.

Early Morning Checkin with the Oracle greeting me Got a pen and paper? Knowing the Oracle she could have been giving me a list of reasons why Feta Cheese is healthy for you, or the list of Fastest Cars she's beaten with Devine, (her Eldorado) or Simply reasons why people or just stupid. STUPID... Well the answer is E none of the above.... she wanted me to hear a quote, from the latestest DEAN KOONTZ book she was reading.(READING IS STILL FOR LOSERS) any the quote,

Sometimes there is no Darker Place than our thoughts: The Moonless Midnight of Our Mind

I had a bit of a chuckle because this is close to my post about Garden State the other night. Anyway.... thought that was to the point... I also found out that I need to be more susurrant in my pontifications of these endeavors while didlgent efforts go unnoticed.

Yet another instance of being correct. I love it.

Okay a co-worker forwarded this to me, and All I could think was who that I know would do something like this:

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words

back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the testimonials of a few

people who did....

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing
for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store
that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler
decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go. He said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes
with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly
choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants andsat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2
days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future,likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

So I challenge this: Who else has real life stories like this?

I just watched a movie that quite possibly summed up how I feel about life. Garden State.
Maybe it was the underlying theme of Death, and dying which in reality is that we are all dying. Beyond the biological sense, We watch our dreams slip into this monochormatic dark inky blackness. And we wonder why we wake up and head for the medicine cabinet to choke down our daily dose of PAXIL, Or Zoloft, or Tadaafil(hehee figure that one out)
I was laying in bed watching this movie, and the electric blanket wasnt helping the fact that I had a chill shake me from the inside. Just like yesterday when I realized I am no longer obligated to fix anyone anymore.
And THAT is such a wierd feeling... but back to Garden State. I have a tendancy to ignore the actors and look right through into the seoul of the peace. I hope its not too late to wake up from this nightmare. Emblazened in my heart are feelings of what is like to be loved, and what it is like to love, Its like a love story that shouldnt never been told, and I sit here in the darkness and I realize that I am crying... I am not exactly sure why or whose tears they are but they feel good on my sore and swollen eyes. It has been so long since these have had a a good cry, not over some movie, but over someone. Myself. I give myself permission to let go for the evening. Realize that I Its okay to be human I can breathe once again. The harder I try to stop these tears the harder they flow. Uncontrolled sobbing is not far off, but neither is laughter, I think it ironic that they are so close to being the same. Back to this post; and back to the Garden State., its really not about New Jersey. Its about the how our lives are like gardens; If you let weeds grow in your garden, it will choke out all that is beautiful in the world, and in order to have beauty there must be rain, and with rain comes with dark clouds... But those clouds... they give way to the sun, and life, and almost limitless love; that love must come from within; because only love found internally d will find a love that will last an eternity.

Hmmmm.... is anybody watching the oscars? I bailed I thought it was a bit trifly. Is that even a word? I thought a better use of the time would be to watch Shaun of the Dead. Good Fucking flick. Its been a while since I saw a really good movie.

I think I am undergoing a bit of cataclysmic emotional shift currently. I no longer do things because I have "to" I do things because I want to. It is a good thing A turning point in my life. 30. and I will get to spend it at home. shhh... this should be good. I think at least the trip is still in the works I dont know if It will happen or not. Worries aside.

I almost frivolously spent 500 bucks today on a laptop. I couldnt do it. It was kinda strange. I could justify buying this machine because I am w/o a computer. currently and I would like to have an electronic home.

Ahh yes I could have bought a lesser machine for a mere 200 bucks, A steal none the less. But not what I wanted.
Now I shop ebay. Hopefully there will be something there... maybe maybe not? What else is going on in the world. It was a good weekend. Lots of Poker, Lots of poop, and lots of stories of growing old. I miss my front porch, and midnight trips to walmart. The sinking walmart. And the truck stop. Truck Stops are cool, Well this 31 year old travel plaza has been in operation as long as I am alive, much like me it took a year off of existence. Anyway the new name of this joint is Gooseberry Farms. Its kinda funny. The owners are former classmates of my mom;s in fact this classmate has the hots for my still to this day..... YIKES.... anyway. I guess I am off to ebay.

Okay I was checking out the wannabe... and she had this post... About Wineee People and I had to say this:

- AMEN.

Okay, Gen X is now entering their 30's and I know we were bad... but they GEN Y and BEYOND>>>>make the slacker (US) generations look like a bunch o workhorses... I ask you to ponder this. Have you ever noticed that anything that was mysterious, ie Vet School, getting an Undergrad etc... was made out to be harder than it really was? Do you think its human nature to make things seem harder than they are so they get alot of good Pub/Self Praise.

First you should probably read the Time Article... or else there will be an issue with the telephone game Parents are making Children Cry babies


What do you think? the last thing I wanted to be was one of those Bitchy Baby Boomers who complained about everything and everyone that wasnt born durring their time (1945to 1960) If you want to make some generational comparsions think about them? Its going to be up to us and Gen Y to support these santamonious Bastards...(heeHEee) I liket that term, see more about Starwars and our friend George Lucas... you may scroll a bit... to read about starwars.... read the comment.

Okay I just changed my template. I like this look... it coveys an amount of peace that I seek.. or it could be that I just am driving to be closer than the ocean... It does have lighthouses... maybe this is my attempt to be beacon... of truth... HAHAHAHAHA!! okay insanity? I know it needs tweeking.. but what do you think?

Wow what a wierd weekend.

Self Exile... maybe... maybe not. It was wierd I jumped in the truck and took off. Oh, I forgot I have to say suv because its really not a truck. anyway I found myself outside my last house. The apartment.... house... and I realized that I am spiraling out of control. I called an old friend and as luck would have it she already had plans. It was weird being in Dekalb again. I had no purpose to be there, It was funny to see the merit that has earned the little hamlet of St.Charles light. thats what its like now... complete with a mini best buy... a best buy for mini me. Something about rocketing at 85 miles an away down country roads makes you realize that there are more important things that centerfuge tables, customer updates and Dipshit Obtuse bosses. I feel like I am defending my life and all the choice that contain it. I have shocked myself. I finally called someone on their hypocracy. Poor Little Mimbo. Cant handle when the heat gets turned up so he will continue to the next party that will tell him how great he is. Time to clean house again. By May I will be back home. I hate this place. I hate all it stands for. My biggest allies here will underestand that I am not supposed to be here. or Maybe not supposed to be at all. This blog is a refuge to me. I appreciate all the scholarly people who read me.
I was speaking to prolly my biggest advocate from a far. and She is always good to talk to. I have a plan and I tired of my life being tennative. As for you and your strega... Piss off. No Really. Lets talk about time. I live now. I live only now. Soon I will not live. Prophecy this is not. Will is what I lack. energy is what you have fed on me. I ramble too much meds... Will you still love me when its over? assuming that you do love me? I never say that to anyone because when I do its over.

One week. Totally sick... No voice. I bet you would love that. I was told not to speak for two days. Yeah right. who are we kidding. I can whisper.

Been a while since the last post. I am sick as a dog. After Patsy going into the hospital for a week I came down with a flu the night I brought her home. I tried self medicating and I took today and possibly tomarrow off. This is kicking my ass. So much for Valentines Day.

Its wierd to think that this blog is almost 2 years old. Track back through the archives and this thing started as a random place to muse. Then a place to share, then a place to lick my wounds. I happy to announce that the only thing I am licking now is the salt off the rim of my margahrita glass. I guess its time to grow up. I must be having one of those I am turning 30 things going on in my head. Yawozaaa what the hell is that. I am still me and I am still as crazy as ever. I am just a little bit more grounded in the way I go about things. The past decade has been crazy. I remeber when My dad died, and I thought to myself. I wonder what the world has in store for me? I am supposed to be here? why would I stop to think this you wonder? I dunno. I have lived, and I have loved. I learned alot from people. I once thought that my life had no meaning. Well I figured it out. There are a few people that have taught me more about life than I could ever express. Some of those lessons have been hard to learn. I think I need a broader audience for this forum. There is two specific people that read this blog and dont have the guts to post anything. Its SAD. Deciet is an awful thing. I can only hope that the same befalls you someday. Naa... its not worth it.. life is too short. You wil have your own cross to bear, and I have a pretty good idea what that will be. The Sun will come up tomorrow. It will rise, and Today is the best day to start something new and meaningful.
I want to thank all those people that supported me in the last year. Without your support I prolly wouldnt be here. I would still be in Dekalb Broken hearted and Wondering what I did wrong to cause this collapse of reality. I have the answer to that. NOTHING. I did nothing. and thats what is unfortunate. I have a great sense of self-preservation, and I think thats why I am here today. Bahz Lerhmann said it best, when he said... the race is long, sometimes your ahead, sometimes your behind, when its all said and done the race is with yourself.

So nobody asked what was up with the name change. Luna Strega inspired it. I was up late last night and I stumble upon a old Celtic Dictionary. Domhan Solus... Talus Moon. I find it funny that both Luna Strega and I both choose the moon to bay at. Hmmmm... You will have to figure her translation on your own.

I received a annon. Comment on one of my old posts. Asking about time. What would like to know? I believe time is not a linear concept. The best way to describe time is something that is more like a ethereal haze that encompasses our reality. Couple this somewhat different version of time and I think It allows a rational explanation why people that have passed can communicate back to the "other side" Because when you pass I think its a acceptable concept to believe that the kintergarten concept of time that as mortals we cling to is chucked for the true notion. Imagine the ability to goto any momement in time, without incumberance. Goto the moment of your birth, and see it, goto your first kiss, your first day of school etc.

I dont know if I would say I was intellegent, most people may disagree with that notion. while others would agree. I like to look at reality skewed. This spin on reality is what has gotten me in trouble as of late.

Those of you who watch TV. and Know me. I pose a question.. Medium. Art immitating life or Life immitating art?

So my annon. Commentor, Leave me your indentity, that is unless I already know you and your trying to bate me into a discussion. I can have dinner with bannana hands if I want. So go spend 600 dollars for his self help cds. I can meet him first hand. Arent you satisfied with the results of your plunder. I need to thank you. You gave me the freedom of not having to support someone in my greatest time and need, The albatross is truly yours now, and I dont need or want it back. Invest in a home waxing kit, maybe that will get you past the treasure trail. YIKES.

If my annon. Commentor is truly a contemporary of Ultra concentrated KMl , I aplogize whole heartedly, your comment was in a vane, much like a a former acquaintence, that lacks morales, and generally fancies himself an extremely intellegent person, I would never impune his intellgence, It could be considered more Rainman like.

So my annon. Commentor Open up the curtain and reveal you indentity.

Okay I know I am total pizza snob but this takes the cake.... according to a poll on MSN the best pizza in Philadelphia is..... Pizza Hut... as being from the Epicenter of Pizza. and Have such great Zas to get at one sitting. PIZZA HUT? Are you disturbed?

Big Five Word Test Results

Extroversion (81%) high which suggests you are overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense too often of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity. Friendliness (52%) medium which suggests you are moderately kind natured, trusting, and helpful while still maintaining your own interests. Orderliness (25%) low which suggests you are overly flexible, random, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense too often of structure, reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment. Emotional Stability (43%) moderately low which suggests you are worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious. Openmindedness (62%) moderately high which suggests you are intellectual, curious, imaginative but possibly not very practical.

Take Free Big Five Word Choice Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

They say time heals All Wounds.

I have tendancy to believe them. I am feeling optimistic as of late, which is something new for me. Driving to work today I put my life into prospective, I had another friend dissappoint me again yesterday. I am getting tired of this. I guess I need to make better choices in friends. I really sound like the Dennis's when I say this but I really think the only person you can count on is yourself. Small minded red-neck voice checking in today apparently. YIKES... Driving to work this morning I also realized how small my car is. It seemed much bigger than before. All I can say is I love stick shift.
I want to leave town for the weekend. I miss Friday night movie night at the Uncles, and I miss Chicken Parm subs.

Why do people intentionally hurt people? I just dont get it.

In other news

Theres a couple of cool blogs I have tripped over, I was randoming surfing, and I came across them..
The Complainer --
I read this and almost fell off my chair.

Time Matters --
Another blog that I stumbled on. I like it because its insightful, and down to earth at the same time. I have posted on some of the more interesting topics, causing a sexist war because I claim that women control men via sex, and that married people are inheriently unhappy.

Does anybody read this? I am kinda bummed I never get any comments.

Time for some great thoughts.

I hate the thought of having resolutions but here goes:

1. I resolve that when someone hurts me that I will let them know instead of walking away. While emotionally it is much eaiser to cut someone out. The I think the trade of immediate pain is worth the long-term closure.

2. I am more open to opportunities to let things Go. If I cant control it let it go. Easier said than done.

3. I aspire actually live here, and not try to transfix myself in Tremont. Again eaiser said than done.

4. I am not going to put up these angery bitter posts. They do nothing except make me relive the hurt every time I read them.

5. I am going to accept love into my heart. Love for myself. love for others. and for once, take my own needs into account when I do something for others.

6. I want to be a less judgemental friend. I argue this point helplessly. when the people around you do stupid things I always support then lambast, I need to better @ support and drop the lambast.

7. Blog more. I feel much better after I write.

8. Take classes, this time for something I enjoy. Look out SC! Hopefully I will have a partner in crime to play off of.
9. Realize that when someone hurts you they are really hurting themselves. Allowing someone to shape their own destiny.... shouldnt be my concern.
10. Spend time talking about something more meaningful with people, Talk more about ideas than the people and how those ideas shape reality.

11. Visit home more often. Apreciate simplicity. embrace my future and because when I look behind me. I am already further than I thought I could be.

Yawl have to check out the new profile.....

Especially the question...

I am looking for new pic... hopefully soon.

It's time for your coming out party, Pisces. Please schedule this tenderly shocking passage for sometime in the next three weeks: your emergence from the shadows, your escape from the past, your repudiation of volunteer slavery, your graduation from the amateur ranks, or your liberation from a persona that doesn't suit you any more. Do it with a sly and artful ritual of transgression or do it with an exuberant burst of joyful release, but do it. The future is calling you too loudly to resist any longer.

ripped from freewill astrology... I think this is too funny. Its 330a and I am reading my horoscope... I got your message kimmie! Thanks for the cool link to these really thoughtful horoscopes! I thnk the exclaimation point is highly under used!!!!!
See!
Oh SIGI!
~~~the following for was TAGALOG for OH MAN!

Wow two post such little time.

I cant sleep. This is a first. usually I am so tired my head hits the pillow and I am out. New DVD carousel makes late night movies easier to watch. Choked down two days after last week.. or for you normal people The day after tomarrow. Yikes. The first time I saw I can remeber rooting for the storm.. Actually We did. It was kinda distrubing because One of the Scottish Scientist was also the campaign manager in Primary Colors. Another on my filler movie list, In the DVD realm I found it necessary to buy another addition to my rack... Bringing the total discs upto 158... Not bad for one year... but when you buy them 3 at a crack... What can I say. but YIKES!

Enough of that shit. I say. I wanted to post something happy and there is something. This holiday season came and went I am glad to still be here, While I would rather be in Tremont. It clear whatever is keeping me here has a while longer to cook. I sometimes think Dear ole mum is not the only one I have to support. Its like I go away for a week and reason who really misses me. Not that I am all that important but its good to have a bit of the george bailey thing going on once in a while. It 33oam and because of the foot of snow that fell here, Its as bright as 630am. Which is fucking up sleep shedule I think. either that its all the caffiene I had right before bed... Fuck that... I am not so old that I have to lay off the caffiene more like I just need to take more tylenol pm... or as I have grown to know it benadryl. What to do next... I wonder this weekend is starting to fizzle already. Damnit... I need a weekend of excess. Lots of excess. I so wanted to hang out with Kimmmieeee this weekend, actually holiday week and that never quite materialized. I was really quite touched when I was reading other blogs and noticed that she has a link fo r this page on hers... That made me laugh... I thought this space for for my own tortured soul and have nobody else read it... ITs not like this crap is any good. Its stream of consciencousness thought that means nothing in the grandious scheme of life its more like kindergarten sand box play. I mean I have read her stuff, as well a her friends and to be counted among some more polished well read people suprises me. When I am feeling truly lost I dig up some blue and read about the immortal candle party. and the several bottle of Merlot that were prescribed to Kill the pain. Wow that seems so long ago, and I think how different I am now yet I am still the same in many ways.

Refering to my last post, I have to think that there is something I would never be and that is well read. Not that that is a bad thing I just wish the clutter in my head would straighten itself up as if I could make room to move my files where they need to be. Reading is too much of an orderly discipline. Discipline I see to have in short supply. I was giving serious thought about becoming a writer full time. I think comedy is where I need to be. Or least in radio. I have to do something about this. I had an ephinay (spelling sucks here get used to It) and I decided I could be as funny as any of these hacks in Chicago Radio. I am waay funnier than MANCOW, and well Howard Stern was be retiring soon, I think I could carry that torch... Its just to figure out how 2 get2 there from here. My one link to radio was broken six years ago, I dont think I want to repair it.
I think I need to develop an act... and try an open mic night. I think after I relocate, I am going to have to go take classes at 2nd city. After all if the self involved bitchy Head Case Angela can have her own production company, and star in her own show, then well. So can I, I have much more talent that her, and I just need an outlet this energy, my talents are being wasted, and I feel like I need to do something. An Actor? maybe prolly not though, I loved improv. I unlocked my "tortured" soul into and let my mind run free. Yeah I think thats it... writer, poet, artistian.
Poor GTP... thought he was doing a good job of things. Caught him in another lie... I wonder if he will ever tell me about Him and the Cum Receptacle. I just sent him an Im... this is hunch that must play out. Yikes. I guess I have to know when its over... My head is swimiing... The best thing that Ever happened to me was meeting Joe Martinet. He was a pivot person in my life. without him I would not know many people... too bad his just a distant memory

You would think I could manager to post more than I do.... But here goes... After not speaking to my mother for a record of almost 2 months. I had to break radio silence because we were All in Tremont for Christmas. What a mess that was. It didnt feel like Christmas and I drove myself.(I wouldnt want it any other way) and I arrived late on Christmas Eve.

I managed to find a Kmart about an hour from MY HOUSE. Yes I say MY HOUSE because my whiny older brother get offended when I make this declaration like this because he somehow thinks that he is in control, but I digress and thats a story for another post, (or this one depending on time and space allowed.) Anyway I stopped at Kmart to pickup a gift bag and a poker set because I enjoy playing Texas Holdem... I know kinda cliche and I knew on some level the fact we were playing cards in my grandparents old home would get in Patsy's Craw... Talk about back pedeling on her part... she didnt know what to think. But anyway...

I neglected to mention that CD/MP3 player went out in my Saturn so at a gas stop in OHIO, I lost the audio book I was listening too.. and before all your literary types... *Digger Blue* lodge any formal complaints about my strict policy that READING is for losers. I need to explain myself... the drive home always consists of some book, new or old, fantasy fiction, horror something to make that waste of state of Ohio seem like is just like driving up the block instead of an inquisistion or Insurance seminar. Anyway, I purchased this Book, Devil in the White City because the Author was on a talk show I listen to quite frequently, I thought the idea of making a non-fiction book readable and enjoyable intrigued me. The synopsis of the book took the happenings of Chicago and the Columbian Exposistion and linked to the infamous H.H. Holmes... One of the first serial killers... Anyway that digression aside, I set a new record home, that being 10.5 hours. My best to date.

When I finally got back home It was once again good to step through the doors of the place I consider to be home. A bit of a control freak I realized that things I had spent many months arranging were moved, and place in nonsensitcal places. Before I go any furthur I should mention that I was sworn to keep my mouth shut and not start any conflicts. That being said I was welcomed to a spread of food which at best was nasty, and when I went to the fridge it was packed with items that were barely eatable at best. There would be no BBQ meatballs this xmas, just nasty game, and the normal gauntlet that my brother makes us run every year of fish that nobody really wants to eat, but do so as not to offend him. But again a post of his shananagains may have to come later.



My nuclear(Ha Ha HA what a bushism) family was less than thrilled to see me. However my aunts and uncles were so glad that I had returned home. Tremont was so charged with goodness and positive energy and It was apparent that both Patsy and My brother were doing all they could to stop that, I appreciate the fact I always have a plan B. Life is too short and my weeks dont come very often so it became a competition. I guess this is where we pickup the whiniess that is My brother or Sassypants as he as come to know. Naa This post was supposed to be fun. So lets make it that

I suprised my favorite uncle with a new dvd burner. The look of joy in his face when I gave it to him made christmas. It returned his computer back to being his favorite thing in the world. and I think he showed his appreciate more in the action of burning almost 55 movies in the four days I was home so he could use it. Inadventantaly by doing this I angered my brother because I didnt tell him or my mom I was doing this. Shitty I know. but for once I wanted to show my appreciation of the support he offered to me while I lived there. I was even able to order a movie for my aunt who give this really thoughtful gifts but they always seems to be forgotten at her birthday and holidays. So I gave her that and it should arrive soon.
In the week between Xmas and Newyears I ate more than my share of Gas station food. This sounds gross but in reality it was quite good. A chain of Stations in the East Called Sheetz have a MTO kitchen (Made to Order) in which you input your order into a flat panel display. with pics... Its like a kintergardeners' wet dream... sasifies one of a persons greatest needs, HUNGER. and they are 24/7 PA is the land of subs... The greatest is the Chicken Parm from Dimaggios... Best yet they deliver nine miles away to my front door... There was a pizza incident, A battle and the war was decided on that day, but fortunately we dont need to discuss that here. I got my directv debacle sorted out, and it turned out to be faulty hardware. lots of faulty hardware. That being said I got my dose of TLC and I was a happy camper.
I taught my aunt... from here on out "The Card Shark" or "bookie" how to play poker. She kicked my ass as usual. My goal is one day to be in Vegas with her. I think we would make a killing. The whole time my mom sat and commented(those of you who know her, know that she is a pain in the ass) How my grandfather would dissaprove of playing cards in his house. Then quickly retracted when she realized that nobody bought into the same notion. It was amazing how quickly one could get sucked into mind games to slow up the week.
Its time for brown talk. I was able to shit in front of the window looking up at the mountain again, a cool december breeze made me feel so free again... and my spirit was finally quiet after 8 month of restlessness. I dont know what was more pleasurable... the contorted looks my brother or mother would give when I spoke as when I move back as opposed to if I move back... and the quiet whispers to my other aunt of how She doenst get why I would want to return there because "there is nothing here" BAAAA humbug I say. My heart knows where I am happy and that it is where and why it is. again a post for another time.

My trip back was enthralling. Good conversations. Good music. Good Tears over a lost love, (not mine) and the ponderous question of how many times must a heart break?