I experienced all again tonight. Everything comes back on itself. unlocked the past has become.. I relive the nastyness that the past two years have taken me on. My loved ones lost, and now found. I wish my muse wasnt that one of saddness. I felt it all over again. My spririt is broken...I think its meant to be this way..only when something is broken does it mean to be fixed. BTW.. I thought about sunday last convo and I looked up the words to OVERKILL:

Overkill
I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications

Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know will be alright
Perahaps its just my imagination

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat, shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away

Alone between the sheets
Only brings exasperation
It's time to walk the streets
Smell the desperation

At least there's pretty lights
And though there's little variation
It nullifies the night
From overkill

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat, shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away

I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications

Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know will be alright
It's just overkill

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat, shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away

Boy Howdee are you right... this is exactly what I was describing.... theres that boy howdee thing again... I cant sleep now... my ghost still havent faded... damnit...

Watching day-time tv today and I realize what the market is all day losers. Its kinda sad. If I have to see another lincoln Tech comercial I will have to say something some other time. Blah Blah blah....

This post is here to commmerorate..(remember spelling dunt count) the 70th Post to my blog. YEAAAAAAAA!!!!

After all the brown talk, I want to say that I have set a deadline for myself. If I am not employed within the next 30 days I am returning to PA and being happy. I would have given IL another 90 day chance and I think I must move back. I will miss some people that I have grown very close to, In speaking to the ties that bound me here I am free. Free because this is just not me anymore. I needed to prove myself that. If they are going to be my friends a measly 747 miles would not stop the friendship from occuring. Besides I have always wanted to simulate being white trash, I guess I could move to the South Suburbs, but I think the people in Schyukill county are a much better brand o trash. At least there nobody is fooling themselves into thinking they are something that they are not, I miss my front porch. The smell of Tremont after the rain storm is something else. The positive charged ions in the air and the freshness of the trees... I miss my mountain view, I miss my mountain home. I hope that one day I can return there permanently. Illinois has been kind, it has taught me what I didnt want. It has taught me who I am not. It has taught me that I can reach and not fall, It has taught me a lesson, What the lesson is I am not sure. I would think that the harshness that I came across with this evening remains to be see.

I wish i could find the word explain... I wish her to have all the love that she deserves without being abused. I wish her to find someone to complete her circle, draw on her strengths and feed her ever loving passions. I want her to have the life that was stolen for her, I would willingly give up mine for hers, because she deserves the chances that I have squandereed.

....Rage.... Rage against the dying of the light.

if that fails... change your identity declare a new direction and fall for the next thing that walks through your door..

I am trying to recall a poem that I had written before... I will find it and post it here.... Too bad my old power book was tainted... The well of emotion is dry.


Thanks for commenting on my blog.. your words are like the laxative I needed. Remeber lies make the baby jesuses cry.

What do you get when you mix lots of darts, and discussions of the brown tone? Actually nothing... I was surfing for the existence of the tone that when heard causes one to evacuate ones' bowels. and I came across this:

First of all, it really should be ODORLESS. If it is foul, then there is food that is rotting throughout the digestive tract better known as fermentation or decomposition. Usually stems from Bad Combinations of Food (once again, that was one of the reasons for The Food Combining Guide" … to avoid this almost entirely.) or even drinking a lot of fluids when you eat which makes a terrible strain on optimum digestion.

The best CONSISTENCY would be like that of porridge or thick oatmeal.
It should not be hard and logy or loose and watery! If it's hard and logy, then not enough fiber (no, bran doesn't get it) in the diet. This is one of the hassles of eating meat…NO FIBER! This is where we came up with the saying, "Eat Greens with Proteins" and of course that will also coincide with the 3 Commandments of Food Combining.
Watery Stools mean Diarrhea or some other problem usually with food poisoning or the like.

And above all they should not FLOAT! Too much gas in the stool when it floats. So there goes that "Stinky Floaties" hypothesis! Her presentation was superb and I would hear her again, but the science of her physiology was poor at best.

It has to be QUICK and EFFORTLESS! And each of us can relate to the times when we are in the restrooms in a restaurant or any other public restroom where you think the walls are going to come tumbling down with the person in the stall going through some changes just trying to void themselves. Boy Howdy!

Sometimes I wonder if Sigmoid Freud got the pleasurable sensation of a good bowel movement mixed up with a sex thrill or somethin' other.

And as I have mentioned in our Audio Series when I interviewed the Great Dr. Frank Sabatino in which he commented that there should be a church called, "The Church of the Immovable Bowel"! It's sad but so true. One to two minutes is long enough. We don't want you dozin' and drulin' in there!

Now many times should we go each day? The correct answer to that would be EVERY TIME WE EAT! But at least twice a day would be very healthy. I guess that's where we probably get the term, "BEING REGULAR".

One more thing about the COLOR: It should represent the color of the food we ate. Spinach will naturally have a greenish color, Beets will definitely be red no matter what else you ate and Carrots will have that color as well. But a universal color would probably be Greenish, Yellowish with slight tint of Brown. Almost picturesque you might say.

But don't get your camera there might be someone waitng!

Even though I made light of this most important subject, I would like to suggest that we take a more conscious effort of how we feed ourselves as Colon Cancer is the third most commonly-occurring form of Cancer (in both men and women). And since Cancer is the second major killer in our country with it positively being diet related, then we can breathe a sigh of relief knowing, not wishing hoping or praying but knowing that we are in control of that devastating problem in our society.

Okay that comes from this link: The Mysteries of a Good KAKA POO POO

I was oddly drawn to this page... only because the author actually used the words, BOY HOWDEE

On a somwhat brighter note, I went to IKEA today. I brought the Patsy... by her request... It was her first time, and considering her health she made it all the way across the top floor. which is almost the equivalent to walking through Walmart a couple of times.. she managed to buy what everyone that goes the IKEA for the first time buys... the 1.99 package of AA battery and a NON-stick pan and a rug.... yes a rug.. I was proud of her, she bought something to counter-act the early eishenhauer period piece of a the house... Yikes. can I say yikes a little louder. YIKEs!~!

Got another interview in the works... The past is still as bleak as the future, but at least there is maybe.

I took care of Pandoras box. I have a really good thought. Lies make the baby jesuses cry. Lies. I also realized something really incredibly proufound. That is the place you leave is bound to change with time. There is very few exceptions to this rule. Scratch that I think is more of an axiom. The stream of time has somehow managed to create an envelop around Tremont PA, specifically the house. Time moves at half speed. Upon reentry to the normal flow of time your body must speed to up make the transition. Its not a connection that can be explained with words. Those who have experienced the beautiful thing clammor to return. The power of such a simple place heals all that walk through its arches. A simple abode that appears to be nothing from the street except a simple row home that draws space within to heal the family, or people that have become family, Forgiveness doesnt even needed to be asked for it is given without exception. Amazing to those who refuse to accept. You were fashionable sensitive, but too cool to care...... Some comment on the weather. Tearing me apart... and your thoughtless words are breaking my heart.... breaking my heart... That jewel interlude brought to you by the ressurection of my MP3 collection. It may not be as cool as some... but guess what It doesnt matter. I spent alot of time with the chairman..... Its cool to be considered a freind for a change as opposed to the cause of a problem. I think there is a possiblity to have another decade plus relationship.. To replace the broken ones that have caused, me to have that emptyness Wait not emptyness but the abscence of pain... Finally I am who I am without being judged. Its down to just the people in my immmediate family. Jealously direct and pissed because I am able express the feelings that have been buried for almost half a century. Why do you bother reading this? Why is it so important? Do you really think this about you? or your boyfriend? Whatever you need to tell yourself to act the way you are I feel sorrow for you. The grave you have dug for me is not going to be used today. I wouldnt give you that power of me and my future. No matter how much you want to hide behind self-actualization, Tony Robbins, Desousa, or any other human potential movement star you should develop your inner voice for yourself, Nobody else. Not cuz I say so, Not cuz Mommie or Daddie or anyone else says so. It doesnt matter if I ever see talk, or interact with again. The stains you have inflicted on your own soul is not my responsiblity to bear. Its yours. I can walk away with a clean conscience. and I can here the harumphing when you read this. Its okay, I think I am allowed to indulge. after all this is my blog, and the likely hood of me taking the blog down is almost non-existent. I like here, They like it here We all like it here, Nobody is forcing you to click your little Ibook and goto this page, how do I know, Conformity is something that comes very naturally to you. Free thought is not something that comes easy to you. What happens now that I am gone...whose the new villain? I am glad my tenure is gladly completed. I have discovered something in my sojurn to East coast and back. Life is made of choices and consquences. I have perfectly capable of owning up for the responsible for my actions. Can you say the same? No amount of psychology classes with give you the edge your looking for. Dont be foolish enough to make that mistake. Knowledge is only the first steping stone of enlightenment. I dont expect you to know this until you discover it on your own. I barely have the grasp of this and I have seen much more of the world's offerings. Age has a tendancy to do this to you. I want to thank you for teaching my the lessons that you have, Some of them are so simple that that you wouldnt even believe them if I mentioned them here. Some were so mind altering that I dont often offer this but the have changed the path of my life forever. Anyway this blog isnt always about you. Its not even always about me. I glad you were able to take down poopfish because you think I was reading to keep tabs on you. News flash my life is a bit more complicated than that. Personally your blog should be for you and you alone. What ever your convincing "YOU" are these days. All the negative rhetoric that is directed about me, is sad. My first impression was the correct one.

Much like bill clinton, history will be the judge of what has been said on behalf of everyone involved. I wish that you and yours get whatever you deserve. Plain simple, directly. Please do not continue to assume that my passiveness is weakness. I have an infinite amount of patience and when they are exhausted I will not act. I wont have to Time is the imortal equalizer. I will travel where I want when I want.
I dont need to compete for pity here. Life is what you make it. Families much like the spaces we try and hold together change, sometimes this change is not realized until its not too late. Walking into Downtown Disc made this crystal for me. With closing of their doors, I realize Dekalb much like me has changed its no longer the friendly place to live, I have outgrown the land of corn. Its almost to say, that playground no longer holds any interest. I thought it would be hard to come back and visit and relive memories of more than 10 years. and I figured out that is not who I am anymore. I say this for my own benefit. That pond is out of oxygen and its time to move into the ocean. My fond memories are rooted in Extreme sports boy, and Lincoln and Remos and Jenny and Sara and Matt, Ate Rhoda and all those people that made my stay @ NIU that much more richer.
Whatever, Fine, so be it. When I fell from the Pedestal and it broke and I woke up with a concussion, I realized that I have been on a two year path of self-involved binge fest. Thats over I am taking my resposiblity for the things I need and I going to weather the storm, No matter how much the manipulation of nature you think is possible the key is that the Achilles heel must be the same for me to fall. If you feel that is your only course of action so be it. I just want you to know I knew exactly when it all fell apart.... you do too, the connection was poisoned and it showed through... and I was too self involved to bother to revive it. Thats all in the past The question on the floor why bother with facade? I dont expect an answer, it doesnt matter, and I really dont care. Thats the best part of time, it does heal all wounds, and no matter how you think you have devisated my life, I have felt worse by much more important people.

I should manage to put in some metatags someday... I think its pretty cool the audience for the blog grows with the weeds in the yard. I think highest compliment I could be paid was to be told I had a touch of Hemmingway... At least I got some of the vital atttributes pegged...(tank-ass, High self opinion. etc) However I look at other's blogs any only think that mine my look too polished. After all, typos aside, my mood has not improved. Its still dark, its not for the past, but its for the future.

Found Pandoras box today.... I deliberating if I am going to open it. I think I just might. Beware.

So I just got back from a really good coffee with my friend. Among the important topics of discussion we feel that have a responsiblity to create a Top number of 80's films that everyone should see... Kinda like AFC Top 100... but I think much more relavant to us Gen Xers... There is a list started, but I will only publish this after we fully define our criteria. We also discussed doing a where are they now with a coulple of people. The person we thought of was the blonde haired dude that was in Karate Kid and Back to School as the Jock "villian" His name thanks to the IMDB website is William Zabka... or Billy Zabka and apparently he is still getting work... I think I already know too much about this guy... Yikes... Theres also a motion on the floor to start this 80's list with 1978, because too many movies were really good in 78 and 79. Although looking some of the movies that I thought were 78-79 were actually 1980 (Blues Brothers) if you have any criteria ideas submit them here or email them to me... Anyway... Its always good to get a kick in the pants from my friend she reminds me that I have a brain and I need to use it more often. Uncomplicate my life, and remove those things(people) that make me angery, sad etc, and fill it with people who dont. Thanx......

What a great party. That was sooo much fun. I spoke to an old friend this morning, and she worried because our ships kept passing in the night. Talk about enlightend conversations. She is always good for taking the conventional turning it on its ear and making you look at things skewed. She is like Bifocals for my SCOT VISION. She too is on trial with jesus, along with not being saved... I think that we should rent the microbus... fill it with some good libations(see I can use 50 dollar words tooo) and hoist a few.... (Shout out to the made for TV movie star and his extreme sports.) and Drive it straight to Hell. Because we had a discovery, that you can do and say anything you like if your saved by Jesus... Accept Jesus Christ as your lord and savior... Things I also learned that families are NUTS. The best thing I love about my Kimmmiiiiieeee is that is probably one of my most smartest friends, who is intellegent enough to see people for who they really are, are dont need to biased to make their own judgements.