This is a work in progress.... I am driven to be better:
First and foremost, and I am glad you had the self respect to not do that, and further hope that self respect is a truly motivated from within.
As you I think you will remember when discussed change and I told you how a change is only valid if every time that change is put into question it is unwaviered. This spawned quite a discussion with the ~o and I. Because she seemed to think that I said that change could not be instantous, when in reality it can be, its the consistency in which this change is practiced is what makes it truly a Change. When I clarified my message she complety agreed. Another important aspect of change is that for it truly to be a viable change it is hardly ever mentioned, Some would argue that mentioning would overall negate any hopes of viable change because praise is sought for the change for praise sake, not for the sake of change Coupled with this conversation, The discussion of emotional shortcutting and how when a person acts differently out of the norm of their normal action discrepancies are formed That's the unfortunate aspect of change that not many people are aware of. But I am here to tell you that it does get better and don't sacrifice what you have built already because it very tempting to resume your past actions because whenever you change a cycle if its change is NOT accepted as instantous its easier to fall back into previous patterns instead of changing a undesired behaviour. This causes the cycle to restart, and causing frustration because it appears that ones' actions have had no effect. Thus reducing the probablity of a change ever being realized, because the attitude is adopted that, "I have tried to change and nobody seems to notice" I am also here to attest that this is how I felt, and still do for the most part.
The unfortunate ness of this whole sorted affair is bad timing. You have a tendency have a case of severe immediacy when it comes to natures of the heart, and when that immediacy is not shared with the rest of the cosmos understandably feelings are hurt and self-inflicted pain are felt.
It is only natural that when this happens that it is necessary to have someone to blame. Because after all if " I " have to feel the pain of my needs of immediacy not being met, I need to blame someone for such unspeakable “atrocities” and “make them pay”
This brings us back to change. Its sometimes the hardest to admit to ourselves that there is s a demon inside of us that brings us to do some pretty unspeaking and rather ghastly things. It seems the more we deny this demon the strong and more viable it becomes. The biggest challenge to we face is not let our “demon” do things to people that we all know will result in bad karma piking back on oneself. There is also another misconception out there that needs to be put to rest. We don’t get to choose how negative Kharma repays a visit to our doorsteps, and can be completely unrelated. For example, just because your signifigant other cheats on you does that mean that your future sig other will do the same, Kharma maybe repaid in the way that may seem totally unrelated.
Patience is grace, and unfortunately grace is sometimes one of those virtues that is hard achieve. By ignoring this grace, or choosing to deflect the efforts into another direction you not only do not allow yourself to encompass all feelings that are associated with the encounter, and in hopes that the realization that love is not a process, its an evolution you cant force, in fact it makes one question what love is , and it ceases to reduce it to a crude animal act.
