I was a mess today, I hadnt shaved in almost two weeks and I was starting to look like a homeless person. I decided to take a shower and see if the headache that was plaging me all day would subside. Somewhere in the trance I put myself in as water battered against my sore back, I got lost in a a feeling, The feeling of being soo cold that my palms where numb, my teeth chattered and It felt as if my life was ebbing away from me.... A bit scary at first but I found myself willing to give myself over in peace. and I could remember the only thing I could do was stand in the shower in Tremont. It was a cold winter night, and I was tired from lack of movement. The more hot water that hit my skin the more feeling left my body. Soon, my feet felt the same tingling of my palms... I thought for sure this was it. The only thing that gave my comfort that night was to huddle up against the heater, and tune into some sattelite radio. I am sad miserable and upset. I have made the wrong decision and now I have to make it right. I did make some right decisions though, and some I dont think I am going to crawl back to . 1. Good Decision:Letting go of the Shaved APE. it was obvious you couldnt handle me, and It was obvious that you couldnt be trusted... or should we ask Greco and Jason O pincushion of Panduit... At least you figured out to marry for money. At least that will quench one of your appetites. 2 Bad Decision: Allowing Blah Blah back in. She burned the bridge yet allowed her to cross, and tried to burn it again. Back Stabber who has no Morals, and its unequivocally devoid of any human emotion. 3.Good Decision Taking the time to figure out what I dont want, and deciding on what I do, even though my plans are delayed, I still have my eyes on the prize.4. Bad Decision letting blah blah squander my last week in Tremont and being sucked into the Rouse of having to wait on her hand and foot.5. Good Decision Trusting someone enough to share some of the war stories, and Trusting enough to know that any good Friendship basis after trust and respect, is reciprocation, Reciprocity, is good thing, It keeps your prospective, to know that we are all floating out here together, and sometimes we need to help each other bail out their boat. 6. Bad Decision Taking a job that I knew I would hate. Selling out. Becoming what I feared I always would be, Fighting the PC river like a salmon trying to make it up river to SPAWN, and DIE, 7. Good Decision Buying a DVD player, Now I can really do have movies on demand.8 Bad Decision allowing myself to get sucked into the the torturoous torment of Blah Blah and her mutilation....Heres an answer to your question about your personality or you looks.... Its neither, Its the fact that you back stabbed someone now and YOU cant Take it back... in fact I know He would rather have TURKEY again. 9. Good decsion Making a conscience not to reward bad behavior. I think the quote that sums this up most beautifully, she vibed towards me, and The second I felt it I felt the knife twist deeper into my back. His words not mine, and in fact more elloquent that mine could have ever on the subject. The coolest part is, Blah Blah will continue to blame the easiest to blame in these situations, once I am gone for long enough whom will be at fault? 10. Bad Decision Not ending it when I should have.... For what I speak of, You already know.

A friend wrote a poem about her life, It was very powerful the parallelism that exists between us. The words that shattered through the monatony of my day and broke my back like the load I have been baring since the begining of time or at least thats what it felt like. This poem was mighty powerful. The personal value that I had assigned this poem can not even begin t be shown with words. The imagery alone torn my flesch like a weathered rusty dagger in a rainstorm. Tearing into me and leaving with a burning feeling where I know even when I heal that I will never quite be the same. Its wierd, and I almost feel strange sometiimes with the level of similarity between us. I can start a thought and it get completed or the same path has been traveled leading to answer. I was recently likened to be being here student, I think it a mutual thing. Neither one of us could really admit it though, that was would be out of character. I decided from the first exchange of deep and personal thought I decided I would not pretend that I would not put her on a pedestal and make an offering to her. Because I too have been placed there and it is cold and lonely place. Instead I decided early on, that I wanted to exchange support, maybe this act is self serving on some level, because I am only accepting after giving making it okay to support. Wow that was a convaluded thought isnt it?
I miss Tremont. Much like Patton I will return. At least I will be free.

Time is the great equalizer.
My clock has stopped
I cannot breathe.
I dream of you
You forgot about me.
My rope is frayed
The knot has come undo.
My hands are bloody
Bruised and Burned from the Sisal
I let the rope go.
I let Time stop.
I let myself go.
Will this pain, torment, torture
Ever stop?