So you may laugh at me, but I just went to see herbie fully loaded. I reminded me how much of my life I wasted on chasing after the acceptance of other people. I forced somenoe to write a list of what they reallly wanted to focus their energy in that posistion. Quite frankly I know what I want its just so utter impossible at this slice of time to see through the haze that I left settle of my heart. What if everyone figures out I am completely full of shit. I dont know any better than the rest of you fucks.... reeally I dont. .... Eventually everyone tires of me and longs for me to go away. Full of shit I am. Full of shit I be. I am 30 and I have nothing to show for it. My friends are splintered and scattered to the wind. My own family can barely tolerate me. I recently let go of some anger that was over a decade old. And I think I am still reeling from it. How to deal with someone as petty and childishness rivals my own. The moon is full tonight. I beg the moon's indulgence to make things right again. Back to a time where things were good and a new. Before the Scamdals before the betrayl before the I allowed blah blah to poison my life. I clamor... What it be like if eveyone was still here. lets turn back the clock ten years. I wanna to keep the knowledge I have now though, I wouldnt be laying in my childhood bed on a wirless keyboard stairing my tv. I would someplace else, Thanking my blessing for not fucking the last decasde up. Death would be an easy exit here on the on ramp of life, but I know the rules.. Iican hang out here for a while... meanwhile I feel I slowly feel my spirit dying inside my body. I dont ask for people to pity me pity is overated. I ask for the indulgence to just be. Stop trying to clamour for their attnetion you ahole.... dont force your agenda on them. dont you get it. Driving around tonight with the windos open at speeds that are just fun I kept thingking less painful lonelyness is when its a constant. I beg for the patience to realize why I am still here. Or not. this would be funny if it were so trus, I am like a giant sponge and I am willing to take our pain away just so you can be free and lieave without intruding in life. I just paused in my head and relived a moment the is ye t to happen. IYou going to wathc this blog pain aattention for the clues the clues of what I know to be true

another skip in time this time My life has spilled out onto the deck... below it was like a cheese for better or worse, we have a blank about people chocie, Good night, I miss you

night...

Its official I am going to hell. I have learned so much of the torture that I put hairy through in the last months of our relationship. No wonder she opted out for Downsy Mogoloid and his bad of crazy critters... Although the Setup I had her find was truly fun and exciting but thats why I am here today. There is this growing trend of mmy computer not being anything like it once was. I picked up a wireless mours/keyboard combo so now I can lay in bed in type... no desk... stay in bed. I have learned more about the fucked up logic that is mean in the last 60 days than I learned in five years. experience is a great teacher too baad she lied about some things. Anyway I also came to another conclusion which I will only allude to here... a change is in the works. hopefully I will qualify and I will survive the them all. talk to you later.....