Okay I just got back from some of the bestest Food on the Planet: Gene and Judes hotdogs. complemented with the greatest Fruit Punch on the planet Tahiatian Treat. For those of you who dont know either They are truly a chicago orignal.

Some key ideas that came from tonight's sojurn:

Its not overly bad to look into your past and forgive and forget.

One of my biggest faults is that I Dont say the things I should and DO say the things I shouldnt.

Boxer Briefs are not for nancy-boys anymore. (Dont fret: I will never give up the Big Dogs.) Although the Big Dogs are not quite as big anymore :P.

Middle-aged women lust after effinminate carpenters because there husbands are too busy playing golf, and smoking falic-like cigars.

Too much sugar+ Unruly outlet mall crowds and only 2.5 hours of sleep make me Cranky, okay extremely more crankier than usual.

In almost six months of dating, I only blasted my friends significant other once. hehehehe.. to their face... j/k.

There should be a new game out find the hidden homosexual agenda in Shrek 2. Jerry Fawell get your hands off Tinky winky and report for duty...

and if all else fails.

Rename yourself Todd or Loraine, and join the buffet.

I didnt even make it to bed but I had this awesome vision, I was standing at the end of the hallway and it occured to me that If I could somehow run past my body, and into free space I could become free I float within the night and it would make me feel ALIVE, more alive than I have been In an AGE. I dreamed of her again. Her eyes are enblazed in my seoul. I cannot take a breath without first wondering if she is here with me. YUK, meladrama must be the order of the day. But when all is said and done, Guess who is the truly gifted one in this clan. I say Fuck the future, it will take care of itself. Its the past I am worried about, because somehow, someway the past has a way of bitting you in the ASS!

I need to know.... should I change my profile pix? I doesnt do me justice... beside Scot+suit= never a good thing

Ironic isnt it. Interview resheduled due to holiday weekend. Its amazing how much laziness creeps in when it comes to holiday weekends. But the sheduler made it a point to mention how much this dickhead wants to speak to me. Yikes, crow may still be on the menu. I think back to year ago, and how much I have changed. We all have really. The stress of graduating is over, The stress of living in the now is here. I often wonder how much of this could have been avoided if I would have been honest with myself in the begining of 2003. I should have known better to make a deal that I know I would break with myself. I found myself tonight crying for no particular reason, and before I hear anyshit about being a male and crying, I think that Its better to be in touch with your feeling rather than try and hide them, that never ends well. I wished for one thing in July of 1996. I wanted a decade free of grief. I didnt even get five years. I guess I am going to whine tonight. I thought I would feel better If I drank a blue moon. no such luck, it reminded me of a very free but scary time.
No witty proverbs here, No slickass glances across the way. I am here, and I am real. It very easy to look at life when you dont live it and criticize. Everyone has a story of pain. Everyone hurts, Everyone bleeds. Sometimes the hurt you cause is intentional, sometimes its accidental, sometimes its a result of miscommunication.

I often wonder what would have happened if you really knew the truth? The walls that I built for you both have never been higher. I would gladly let you in if you wanted but your too busy deciding how much wrong I am than how much I right I would be. Funny thing is

I dont even think you know I am talking about us. Us is such a interestingly painful concept. Us is like, being willing to sneak into the hospital when your 73 and having your heart attack. after visting hours are up and bringing you your favorite ice cream. Us is playing that song that you hate but I love just because it makes my heart skip a beat when I see you. US..... What is us Really?

I was driven around tonight with a bunch of cds that I made. Talk about an archive of Sad music. I would quote something, but its all sad. Pour on the cure, I need some Love Song... Actually my favorite Cure Song is Pictures of you... 7 mins 2 seconds long... thats probably why you hear it on the radio much anymore.

Whats your Favorite Sad Song? Bang, Bang, Bang, Is this thing on? Do you even know I exist? What happened to that spark? I was broken, I am hole, and I dare you to come fuck with me. Tremont is my home. Nobody drives me from my home. I am hiatus currently but I will be back. I wont be alone. Then you will see what it feels not to be free. Cry baby. How does it feel to be poor white Trash??!

Well where do I start. Well, I guess I should start with Evolution, not the car, not the theory. The movie. Something about Julianne Moore makes the movie fun. Its now almost 3am and I thought I was going to sleep. If I could master removing the pain in my back that acts up everytime I get stressed out I would a much happier person. In just a little of nine hours I will have to be in Lake Forest to interview for a posistion I dont want, Dont need and have to eat crow while doing it. I have a pretty interesting quandry that I face here. I should back up a bit and talk about the situation. For those of you dont know I was laid off because my Company eliminated an entire nationwide team of Six Sigma GreenBelts because they re-defined the job description to include a degree in Industrial engineering. Resulting in a layoff for the entire team save two people. Me NOT included. So I find myself with an opportunity to move to the place I have always wanted to live, and I am happy. The events of the previous years have weighed on my to the point of shear and udder depression. The further away I get from the event the more I realize how much it affected me, and affected how I was dealing with the rest of the world. In talking to a friend of mine the other night, she told me that I had almost overnight because the most self-centered egomanical Prick. Thats posed a great problem for everyone around me that I provide their "rock" of stablility because the very bed rock that they relyed on was crumbling to dust beneath their heels. I seem to find tagents alot. But I think the quote from Edward Bloom, Hero of Big Fish fits here pretty well, ".... I havent forgot, I was workin on a tangent, you see the thing about most people they will tell a story from begining to end without and tangent and it will lack flavor. or something like that.. I guess you have to see the movie, but its when William's Wife is asking to take his picture. Anyway so that brings me to eight hours and a half from now. I have a triple interview for a posistion that is down step for me. To make matters worse, the posistion would require me to work for another person at Grainger whom I have had very strong disagreements with in the past. This person in question was the type of guy that was picked on so much in High School that now that he has some power he wields as if he is slaying the "evil Dragon". People that think they are smart and decide to belittle the underlings I have NO respect for. Well this joker no only insulted me personally, he insulted my manager, my lead and my other co-workers, The second strike this pencil neck has is that even when proven wrong he still maintains he is without fault. So I know find myself having to interview for a posistion in which he would be my direct supervisor. How does one handle a situation like this? Do you eat crow? Do you cancel the interview? Hmmmmm.. I have yet to decide what works as the best in this situation... I really dont know what to do. I will prevail either way... what every my decision, It will be the right one. Quotes like, to thyne on self be true... come to mind...

Am I that desparate for job... Should I work on my first ulcer before thirty. I dont think so, I think I would rather go back to a warehouse, and have less responsibilty and get my mountain back.
My mother's health is the major factor in me staying her. I knew this wasnt the last year(s) of her life I would have never come home.

Someone called me tonight scared and worried I hope they are okay.

I also got this really interesting email... Thanks for the message from Matt... I am going to share it with yawl now:

Have you ever heard a child say, “Hey, that’s not fair”? Sure you have. Well from now on you can quote this famous philosopher. You just tell them this,


“The worst form of inequality is to try to make unequal things equal.”

(Aristotle)

I am sure they will understand.

Pour out my soul late in to the night. I can only try to figure what direction my life should go. Should I continue to Rage?

Since I have returned to Illinois for this visit, I conclude that somes its better to just let go. My soul hurts. This pain hasnt been like this in almost a decade. Time has reset itself and I am again put on this path. I knew this eight months ago, and my reluctance to accept my fate only caused me so much more pain that it should have. Had I let go, and stopped raging I would not be where I sit today. Broke, Alone, and wishing for a chance to start anew.

Dylan Thomas’ “Do Not Go Gentle into That Good Night”



Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.