I just watched a movie that quite possibly summed up how I feel about life. Garden State.
Maybe it was the underlying theme of Death, and dying which in reality is that we are all dying. Beyond the biological sense, We watch our dreams slip into this monochormatic dark inky blackness. And we wonder why we wake up and head for the medicine cabinet to choke down our daily dose of PAXIL, Or Zoloft, or Tadaafil(hehee figure that one out)
I was laying in bed watching this movie, and the electric blanket wasnt helping the fact that I had a chill shake me from the inside. Just like yesterday when I realized I am no longer obligated to fix anyone anymore.
And THAT is such a wierd feeling... but back to Garden State. I have a tendancy to ignore the actors and look right through into the seoul of the peace. I hope its not too late to wake up from this nightmare. Emblazened in my heart are feelings of what is like to be loved, and what it is like to love, Its like a love story that shouldnt never been told, and I sit here in the darkness and I realize that I am crying... I am not exactly sure why or whose tears they are but they feel good on my sore and swollen eyes. It has been so long since these have had a a good cry, not over some movie, but over someone. Myself. I give myself permission to let go for the evening. Realize that I Its okay to be human I can breathe once again. The harder I try to stop these tears the harder they flow. Uncontrolled sobbing is not far off, but neither is laughter, I think it ironic that they are so close to being the same. Back to this post; and back to the Garden State., its really not about New Jersey. Its about the how our lives are like gardens; If you let weeds grow in your garden, it will choke out all that is beautiful in the world, and in order to have beauty there must be rain, and with rain comes with dark clouds... But those clouds... they give way to the sun, and life, and almost limitless love; that love must come from within; because only love found internally d will find a love that will last an eternity.