Well those of you that have been following this blog has traveled with me for quite a rollercoaster like journey. Some sad, some glad mostly angery, Most wondering why the shit is still running down hill, Something I grasp to get ahold of. I just dont wonder why. I made the conscience effort to let go of everything, and today the one thing I was unable to let go of slapped me in the face. Those of you who know me for longer than a couple of years know that t I lost my father eight years ago to a failed lung transplant. Eight years ago exactly June 30, 1996... or so it has been called 1996 the year of death. I went to the bar tonight with over 90% of my friends and I had a horrible time. I could not shake the idea that my life was worthless and I was an even bigger asshole for not remembering the memory of my father. It could have been something bigger. It be now that I am whole again that I no longer desire to have this existence anymore. I choose not to participate in Life. If I dropped off the face of the planet today... I would be barely missed. I missed my mark. This is NOT a plea for help, more over simply stating fact. Its not that I am not loved, I am loved, and I do have great friends. Its not that my pain, hurt or suffering is any greater than anyone elses'. I dont need the george Bailey effect here neither. I am tired of my life being in a holdng pattern. I feel have sucked enough frustration out of the atomposhere and it needs to be released. No amount of counseling no amount of hand holding will help this go away. I once told a friend of mine that they would never improve their situation until they broke out of the mold that they were set in removed the limitation that the people around them have put into them.
I need to heed my own advice. The limitations of this life must be lifted. I must do something will not continue for me to remain empty inside. Maybe I am not as strong as I appear to be. Maybe its time to realize that all the trash that is talked bout me is more like harsh fact. I have no rage left in me. I am broken, without purpose and the only sounds left is the sound of my heart beating against the rhythm of the world. I have to hand you to Kelly, you and Bob were absoulutly correct, and it only took 2 years to come to pass, My hats off to you. Revel in my failure, I know I have. After I am gone I hope you realize every discpicable quality you could not stand about me is what you saw in yourselves and could not handle. I love you both. Thanks for making me a stronger person. I wish you all the happiness that you can muster in this world, I wish you could have been honest and truthful instead of lying to makeyourselves feel better. To former agressors, you know you both are. May your life together become everything that you feared it would. Say what you must to make yourselves feel better, and remember what you put out you get in return 10 fold. and yes Mongoloid boy, that applies even to you. I am sorry to leave you down my new friend perhaps I stopped the natural order of things for you prematurely. And to my friend, the Oracle. Thanks for your equalizer, thanks for confirming that I wasnt just hearing things and thank you for being you. I meant what I said when I say I worry about you. Nobody holds the net when you fall, and yes you do fall. Perhaps the conversation may have not meant much to you, but I thank you for treating me like a friend instead of an annoyance. I know our pathes will cross again. I know that the path I have chosen is NOT an easy one and I know that fear is Not an option. I am being so much more melodramatic that I need to be, but people have grown used to it. Its funny the vet your the greatest and I still learn much from you.I could have not made it this far without you. I am sorry. May your sunsets always be beautiful, Your waters always be clear, and the sand always pure between your toes. Good night.