Wow, at the rate I am going I am averaging about two months between posts.

So much time has passed and no time to post, Not really, I think its more of the fact I dont live my life in front of a computer anymore, and that any time I do spend on the computer is not my own computer so I dont have the time or the artistic drive to compile my thoughts in a cohesive matter. Nonetheless, I still manage to journal and although not electronic, its in a brand new journal I received as a joke, bright red with a cartoon character that clearly states, "ITS ALL ABOUT ME..." was this a case of life imitating art or vicsa versa

Most of my family is suprised how non-internet deprived I feel. Not having a computer at all seems like it would be something I could not live without, but I find it almost a blessing in disgquise. Time is on my side again and it feels good to let old wounds heal themselves, Squibbles that I had nothing to do with I am putting to close, Things that have been troubling me seem to right themselves. I had a conversation yesterday with a cousin, Someone that is "gifted" and he confirmed all that I knew to be true. I am now at peace with the ideas that I always knew to be true. Two years of murmered words between our families about the "gift" came to a close within a hour or so of discussion.

The land of Corn, Com Theories and Ottos seems to be a hazy dream in which I often question who that person was? I have never seen a better case of the boiling frog than what I went through in the year of 2003. After running the full gammit of emotions in 2002 I somehow thought I was owed a bit of self indulgence. WOW was I wrong. I spent 2003 making all about me and I ending up starting 2004 with just that.... just me. Nobody else, My life became the inverse of itself almost overnight. Repair must come from within. Nobody else has responsiblity for my actions here. It seems popular to rewrite the events that lead to this and I how however, I am not going to bother. I cannot change what has happened, I can only pick up the pieces and learn from my mistakes.

The view from my bathroom window is timeless. A view of the mountainside, that is timeless as the rock that makes up the mountain itself. I consider its beauty as a blessing, something I dont think I would trade in for a urban setting, or that of a empty cornfield. Here I am anew, Here I do not have to make excuses for my failure, Here I am not scruntinized for having a grounded view of realism. Here, the view Welcomes me without judgement, something that is foreign to me.

Physically I feel different here, I am becoming a new person. Something the cornbelt was preventing I feel, whether it be from a matronly concern or my person demons. I have undergone my own process improvements. This process is like a new day. I feel my efforts paying off, its likely everyone else will to.

As for my Pop Psychology reference, It has nothing to which switch majors, or even the Dig at Communications as a major. I have always recognized the Business-lite path I took, that I need to defend myself, but Coms has always taken the "meat" of theory applied to useful everyday application and discarded the conjecture that was mostly ego driven. Pop Psychology is regarded something that is exactly that, For once the rocks being slung here were not directed at the lingustics, more of a recapped dialogue I once had.

Ditto on the last post. Ironically I have a tendency to forget about this blog. But after I post it seems to be the most saturates write here. 2003 much like 2002 was very trying in many ways. If I were to look back then and know what I know now there is several things I would have changed about it. But that's the good thing about the past, you cant change it, you just LEARN from it, and learn I have.

I would have thought that living through as much tragedy as I have had in my life, I would have been immune to its effects. Apparently that is incorrect. Every time its different. The circumstance in which you look each experience leads you to the next in which you tested in a different way. I guess the one blessing/curse I have in this is that I have the time to prepare, because when the time has come to for me to deal with this tragedy I will know that I have done all that I can to make the best of what time I have, versus, lamenting the time I don't.

The turn on events that have occurred in December allow me to have a moment of pause. Living out of Illinois made me realize some really important things. Things that your not presented with until they are gone. When it comes to taking your last breathe, and you revisit the events of your life, the race is with oneself.

I don't know how often even read this pharse of a journal or even if this for my own demons. I guess it really doesn't matter, I know this exists and that is all that matters.


I think its all a matter of prospective, and when the view is skewed, what once was great is now sinister, and what once was sinister is now great, Positive energy aside, Realism will win out, Pop psychology, empty rhetoric, and false icons are mere crutches to cloak ones' inadequate limited prospective on creation.

Emerson put it a bit more poetically when he said:

To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.

Wow, has it been a long time since I posted..... A multiplicity of things have worn on me to point of breaking, I am technically on a business trip right now to the deep south, which is supposed to be my future home. The problem is, it doesnt feel like home, it feels like a foreign country.

South Carolina can be described a different world beautiful and challenging, alas I dont think I am up for the emotional challenge that it presents to me. I have spent the first five days of my trip in a house that is very much like a FRAT HOUSE with a board room. Empty, and haunted by what I cannot decide, door slaming in the middle of night, window panes rattling at all hours. When the house was quiet I would think. I did alot of that. Think about the future and how to make it better. I also thought about the past and longed for the days I felt more alive. I smell patchouli and drift back to a time when goin out on a Friday night was as simple as a Cafe Mocha, and a leatherbound writing journal, to write about the latest tragedy. Who was that boy that blue eye sparkled for the thought of life? I know he is not dead. He may just be buried, but I think I need to unbury him and make him be a bigger part of who I AM.

The lonelest feeling in the world is to come home to an empty house, a house that could be full of support love, and joy, had it not be emptied by my selfishness and blind imaturity. But that is an issue I cannot control anyway.

Apparently someone has been threatened in the management department at my wouldbe home... I got repremanded for NOT having on a collared shirt and safety shoes, whereas my compatriots were and encourage to wear jeans w/holes. I was informed of this five minutes before the end of my maiden week, and when it was all over I wanted to get on the next flight and return home, Well, I would like to say that I did that... But I did the next best thing, I jumped in my unlimited mileage rental car and drove nine hours to Tremont. I suprised my aunt and uncle and I am currrently posting this from the supercomputer that I built a summer ago. I have never felt so much more welcome at peace than I do here. I wanted to stay in our home in Tremont, but I stayed here instead. My aunt and uncle knew I was here to heal. They all did. thats why I am here now. they wanted me to stay here so I didnt have to deal with opening up the house for just a couple hours, but I am here to renew.. it will have to be refreshed quick about it, but I must say I am feeling the effects already. I pulled into town and drove past the houses of everyone I that I care about and I started to cry, A rarity indeed for me. To admit this I just cant say why its okay to say here. maybe I am looking for something that is lost, maybe I am looking to be found in either case. I knew this is where I belong in this moment. My goal is to be clarified, know who I am not. and weed out all that that I left here for the cleansing. revist the wounds that need to be healed and not ignored so that my life again can be whole.

I had a great awakening today. I realized today that I was expect the world to have the same ability to sense what is going on in my head, and then get angery because they didnt get it right. I was the so blind to this. I feel now that I have this precious piece of knowledge I can move forward in all things because I need to

I got tired of the old tag line. Its all about Me. Because it really was not. It was everyone, and anyone that I had the pleasure of coming across in my life. So now I call this what it is.... An honest attempt.

A really good friend of me told me once: Let go of your HATE.... It will only consume you....

So Saturday was spent cleaning. My current domicile. It no longer looks we live out of boxes or didn't unpack everything. Here the a wired realization of life, I thought I have a lot of junk, but when its all said and done its not that much at all. I should take lessons from others who have boiled their lifecontent to a single storage container, while I have 55 gallon garbages that are busting at the seams with stuff from a decade ago, that had to be removed as part of an "pay my insurance please Patsy scam" I wish my life content could be that concise, you either a packrat or not... and I fear that I am... This doent bode well for me, I flash forward to being 85 years old living in house with newspapers stacked to the ceilings in everyroom of the house, Aaaahh.... Wait I should be honest here it will probably be PORNO that's stacked the ceiling and just an intricate labyrinth style maze throughout the house, I will probably die, and make the evening paper with a shot of me laying dead with just a sheet, and the HEADLINE AREA MAN DIES+++ ADMIST A PILE OF SMUT>>>> Hey, if you gotta go, I always say go with style.

Realization comes from The Simple things in life, Games like Dont spill the beans, and Ants in the Pants.

As I wondered into the Volkswagen showroom on Saturday, I came upon what most likely will be my next automobile. A 2003 GTI 20 Anniversary Edition, Imola Yellow I think is the best choice. Its everything a GTI should be Recaro Bucket Seats, A golf ball shifter, slick lines and a 18 alloys that make the car look like its ready to race. A choice of Black or blue is available I think Yellow Speaks more to truth of what A GTI is. The question is... Is that me? Can you revisted a childhood dream w/o comprising it? Will a turbo charged Yellow Pocket Rocket find it way into my driveway? I dunno... I willing to bet that a test drive is in the future.

You would think after a year and half of XML and javascript I could figure out how to get my comments box to work right.... I think its time for zzzzzzzzzzzz.

Shedding some light on the past...

To illuminate the future
After a point in time are we not supposed to grow? A very wise friend of mine once said, you have 2 options in life, 1. Growth or 2. Death. Life is evoultion, a series of events that makes us different from next second. So if this is true.... Why do people insist on carrying out redundant self-destructive behaviors?

As I named this Blog its all about me, It was named as a joke, because I often wonder this world saying those exact words. It occured to me tonight that I do a REALLY BAD JOB of COMMUNICATING whats really going on in my head.

I look back over the last year and I figured out of couple or really important things. 1. Life is waaay to short, 2. Things always work out in the end. Another "Life Lesson" I learned is that if you dont surround yourself with people that are positive and foster growth you will end in a bad place in life either lashing out to those your jealous of, or worse yet stuck in life that you think you wanted until you have it. A younger, more vendictive Scot would have gone for the jugular in the past, but this evolution that has taken place affords me the comfort of knowing that I am in better place than my aggressors, and I can only hope that one day they find motivation to do something for themselves that requires a stretch, because when you stretch you grow, and when you grow you evolve, and when you evolve you open yourself to a world of opportunity that is only limited to edge of your imagination.

What grow I had in a mere 330 some odd days... To think of the place I was then and the places that are in store to for me I just thankful to be here and alive, and able to shake the dust off that was threating to choke of my spirit, and leave me leading a life of mediocrity in which my greatest accomplishment would be moving out of my parents basement. Whether they like it or not. I am here. I am alive, and I am doing regardless of what roadblocks in my way, beacause when the day is done, I have to be the one looking in the mirror and answer for my actions.... Can you say the same?

While we are on this subject, thats what really cool about forgivness... you have to first want it for it be valuable. A mark of truly Self-centered person would only forgive someone a for a lesser sin when the Forgiver in question had committed the equivalent of Attempted Murder. Anytime you have to advertise how just, fair, or giving you are probably means that your not.

Today reminded me how I once was shut out in the cold for almost 2 months. I finally got back in, and then there was a half-assed attempted to push me outside again but if failed miserablely, which ironically is funny since I have moved to warmer climates, where the outide is nicer than in, and I get the distinct impression that the old interior is nothing more than an empty space that was once filled with goal to take me down, once I removed myself from the equation the rest fell into place, and I often wonder of about the past, if those sorted torrid affairs were worth it, or if much like the affairs of the past are nothing more than nightmares in which you beg to wake up.

Well, Well, Well, Its been quite a while since I posted to this blog. I remember

Arrogant and Pompus.... thats the order of the day.

Pondering why if it takes the whole village to raise a child, Why is there still a village idiot?

So I decided it would beneficial thing to attend the annual NIU job fair. In reality this should have been called the NIU Sheep fest, because that was what it was. They were looking for 21-23 year olds that were still wet behind the ears and still suckling on their parent's financial nipple. Enter me, The nipples I suck are not for a finanical purpose, more for shear pleasure and hardly willing to dance like a organ grinder's monkey. Of course their is not cynical bone in body so I took the undertaking of showing up to this job with my finest duds nursing a severe case of bronchitis and the fifty five minutes of sleep, I got in trying to prepare a somewhat suitbable resume. So I was not amused when these souless corporate leechs looked down their somewhat disshevled polo shirts, an echo could be heard across the white elephant, I mean convocation center the NIU just had to build, because afterall, WE need Monster truck rallies to come to town.. I always saw myself as more of a farm implement guy, It was nice that I didnt have to drink to lower bum fuck egypt to look at the latest in cattleprods but I often ponder to myself whether or not this convience was worth the increase in tution?!

THE JOB FAIR