I have gone to the river alameda.
I have ran with my back against the sun.
I walked through the desert as my brain
could only remember you.
When the rain came. I look up and
I saw your face
between the raindrops.. I saw you
Your tears, Your dreams.
and I let you down,
again.
As the lightening echoes in my heart
the life begins to run down my wrist, and into the sand.
I look up at the sky
and your gone.
and all that is left is the echo of your heart,
beating against chance
taking a chance on beating.
and I just fade away...

Wells its time to update this life, Enough complaining. A cancer survivor tonight told some really important words of adivse: The sun will Come up tomarrow." a Whoa, what a monuementally simple credo in which to operate within life. I talked to a someone else that I have been meaning to talk to for a while, and I helped someone climb on the South Beach train. she shared her art with me, I shared what simple things I could with her. I may have found an answer to a ten year old problem. and this feels good. Very good. The saturn will be retired soon, and I will be enjoying my new auto. Rock bottom has come and gone but guess what I am still here.

I have dreams of late,

A place that never was. A time that could never be.
I dreamnt that I could reach beyond myself and touch the person who has seem to be lost in my this body and wandering without a soul.

Changes is are never noticed until their complete how does that work?

Its amazing to me how easily it is to hang one's hopes, dreams and aspirations on one pivitol point in person life. Maybe its my picean dreamyness that causes this, but I thought I had finally broken free of this earthly bond. The landscape has changed so much in the last 365 days. In looking back it wasnt wasnt that all bad. I did some really important discovery about myself. Discarded those things that no longer were important and welcomed in those things that had become very important. I woke up this morning with the tagline of this post in my head. I am nevcr really quite sure where the rest of this post takes me. Things I know now is are very important that I was too foolish to see last year. From Oct. to Oct my life is nowhere where I thought it would be. So much for the story book ending. Cliches have never been my style anyway. The longer I am here, The longer I know I dont belong here, I found where I want to be although I am where I need to be. for now. It seems the shroud of indifference has fallen and this temporary situation will lead to life, ending the way it needs to. I just wished the one lied that was told last year wouldnt have been for NOW I have to pay for it. Until til you do right be me, nothing you will ever do will be successful.

Time for a new post....

A lot has happened since the last entry. A couple of really great weekends, and a lot of good stories. Where to begin, First Off. The pin cushion O panduit, succeed to effect my life again almost one year to the day we parted company by being a LIAR. Not paying phone Bills even though you said you would is a Moral Crime, Enjoy it. Wow, the script is almost complete... Freeload off someone, Use them, lie to them and discard? How long is the cycle? of course in this incarnation I bet it will be a bit longer, A much larger bank account is involved here. and we all know what that means. I leearned something really profound. Never trust a liar. and after all Liars never earn trust. All the writing on wall showed me this but I ignored. I often wonder how low your self-esteem was to blow both Greco and Jay in the Back of that car that night? At the very least you prolly convinced two boys on the fence that its much better to play for the same team. Any dirt you have on me is non-existent. A test set up to see how much I could trust you and you failed miserably. How many ways can you say LIAR o pincushion of panduit? Mmmmm... that felt good.

I would say nothing about this, but I thought you should probably know, your kharma is got to be bottoming out. By the way were you ever able to address your electra complex? Daddy's little girl?

I find it fitting to write this post one year after the break up. By this point I have estimated you have had cheated on my for a least a month.

May everything you have every done to anyone come back and haunt you. You have lied your way to where you are only for you to find.. your going to be one that fails in the end.

Enjoy breakfast at the house? I was there... and you didnt see me. HA!
still sitting around the coffee house talking about success, why not try doing instead of talking.
Here o well read one, I have a quote for you..... Until you do right by me.... everything you think of will fail.... Everything... No thought, no action nothing. I love that quote.

And for something completly different... Blah Blah Blah and Pincushion o Panduit. Fuck OFFF!

Time for a new post....

A lot has happened since the last entry. A couple of really great weekends, and a lot of good stories. Where to begin, First Off. The pin cushion O panduit, succeed to effect my life again almost one year to the day we parted company by being a LIAR. Not paying phone Bills even though you said you would is a Moral Crime, Enjoy it. Wow, the script is almost complete... Freeload off someone, Use them, lie to them and discard? How long is the cycle? of course in this incarnation I bet it will be a bit longer, A much larger bank account is involved here. and we all know what that means. I leearned something really profound. Never trust a liar. and after all Liars never earn trust. All the writing on wall showed me this but I ignored. I often wonder how low your self-esteem was to blow both Greco and Jay in the Back of that car that night? At the very least you prolly convinced two boys on the fence that its much better to play for the same team. Any dirt you have on me is non-existent. A test set up to see how much I could trust you and you failed miserably. How many ways can you say LIAR o pincushion of panduit? Mmmmm... that felt good.

I would say nothing about this, but I thought you should probably know, your kharma is got to be bottoming out. By the way were you ever able to address your electra complex? Daddy's little girl?

I find it fitting to write this post one year after the break up. By this point I have estimated you have had cheated on my for a least a month.

May everything you have every done to anyone come back and haunt you. You have lied your way to where you are only for you to find.. your going to be one that fails in the end.

Enjoy breakfast at the house? I was there... and you didnt see me. HA!
still sitting around the coffee house talking about success, why not try doing instead of talking.
Here o well read one, I have a quote for you..... Until you do right by me.... everything you think of will fail.... Everything... No thought, no action nothing. I love that quote.

And for something completly different... Blah Blah Blah and Pincushion o Panduit. Fuck OFFF!

Time for a new post....

A lot has happened since the last entry. A couple of really great weekends, and a lot of good stories. Where to begin, First Off. The pin cushion O panduit, succeed to effect my life again almost one year to the day we parted company by being a LIAR. Not paying phone Bills even though you said you would is a Moral Crime, Enjoy it. Wow, the script is almost complete... Freeload off someone, Use them, lie to them and discard? How long is the cycle? of course in this incarnation I bet it will be a bit longer, A much larger bank account is involved here. and we all know what that means. I leearned something really profound. Never trust a liar. and after all Liars never earn trust. All the writing on wall showed me this but I ignored. I often wonder how low your self-esteem was to blow both Greco and Jay in the Back of that car that night? At the very least you prolly convinced two boys on the fence that its much better to play for the same team. Any dirt you have on me is non-existent. A test set up to see how much I could trust you and you failed miserably. How many ways can you say LIAR o pincushion of panduit? Mmmmm... that felt good.

I would say nothing about this, but I thought you should probably know, your kharma is got to be bottoming out. By the way were you ever able to address your electra complex? Daddy's little girl?

I find it fitting to write this post one year after the break up. By this point I have estimated you have had cheated on my for a least a month.

May everything you have every done to anyone come back and haunt you. You have lied your way to where you are only for you to find.. your going to be one that fails in the end.

Enjoy breakfast at the house? I was there... and you didnt see me. HA!
still sitting around the coffee house talking about success, why not try doing instead of talking.
Here o well read one, I have a quote for you..... Until you do right by me.... everything you think of will fail.... Everything... No thought, no action nothing. I love that quote.

And for something completly different... Blah Blah Blah and Pincushion o Panduit. Fuck OFFF!

I was a mess today, I hadnt shaved in almost two weeks and I was starting to look like a homeless person. I decided to take a shower and see if the headache that was plaging me all day would subside. Somewhere in the trance I put myself in as water battered against my sore back, I got lost in a a feeling, The feeling of being soo cold that my palms where numb, my teeth chattered and It felt as if my life was ebbing away from me.... A bit scary at first but I found myself willing to give myself over in peace. and I could remember the only thing I could do was stand in the shower in Tremont. It was a cold winter night, and I was tired from lack of movement. The more hot water that hit my skin the more feeling left my body. Soon, my feet felt the same tingling of my palms... I thought for sure this was it. The only thing that gave my comfort that night was to huddle up against the heater, and tune into some sattelite radio. I am sad miserable and upset. I have made the wrong decision and now I have to make it right. I did make some right decisions though, and some I dont think I am going to crawl back to . 1. Good Decision:Letting go of the Shaved APE. it was obvious you couldnt handle me, and It was obvious that you couldnt be trusted... or should we ask Greco and Jason O pincushion of Panduit... At least you figured out to marry for money. At least that will quench one of your appetites. 2 Bad Decision: Allowing Blah Blah back in. She burned the bridge yet allowed her to cross, and tried to burn it again. Back Stabber who has no Morals, and its unequivocally devoid of any human emotion. 3.Good Decision Taking the time to figure out what I dont want, and deciding on what I do, even though my plans are delayed, I still have my eyes on the prize.4. Bad Decision letting blah blah squander my last week in Tremont and being sucked into the Rouse of having to wait on her hand and foot.5. Good Decision Trusting someone enough to share some of the war stories, and Trusting enough to know that any good Friendship basis after trust and respect, is reciprocation, Reciprocity, is good thing, It keeps your prospective, to know that we are all floating out here together, and sometimes we need to help each other bail out their boat. 6. Bad Decision Taking a job that I knew I would hate. Selling out. Becoming what I feared I always would be, Fighting the PC river like a salmon trying to make it up river to SPAWN, and DIE, 7. Good Decision Buying a DVD player, Now I can really do have movies on demand.8 Bad Decision allowing myself to get sucked into the the torturoous torment of Blah Blah and her mutilation....Heres an answer to your question about your personality or you looks.... Its neither, Its the fact that you back stabbed someone now and YOU cant Take it back... in fact I know He would rather have TURKEY again. 9. Good decsion Making a conscience not to reward bad behavior. I think the quote that sums this up most beautifully, she vibed towards me, and The second I felt it I felt the knife twist deeper into my back. His words not mine, and in fact more elloquent that mine could have ever on the subject. The coolest part is, Blah Blah will continue to blame the easiest to blame in these situations, once I am gone for long enough whom will be at fault? 10. Bad Decision Not ending it when I should have.... For what I speak of, You already know.

A friend wrote a poem about her life, It was very powerful the parallelism that exists between us. The words that shattered through the monatony of my day and broke my back like the load I have been baring since the begining of time or at least thats what it felt like. This poem was mighty powerful. The personal value that I had assigned this poem can not even begin t be shown with words. The imagery alone torn my flesch like a weathered rusty dagger in a rainstorm. Tearing into me and leaving with a burning feeling where I know even when I heal that I will never quite be the same. Its wierd, and I almost feel strange sometiimes with the level of similarity between us. I can start a thought and it get completed or the same path has been traveled leading to answer. I was recently likened to be being here student, I think it a mutual thing. Neither one of us could really admit it though, that was would be out of character. I decided from the first exchange of deep and personal thought I decided I would not pretend that I would not put her on a pedestal and make an offering to her. Because I too have been placed there and it is cold and lonely place. Instead I decided early on, that I wanted to exchange support, maybe this act is self serving on some level, because I am only accepting after giving making it okay to support. Wow that was a convaluded thought isnt it?
I miss Tremont. Much like Patton I will return. At least I will be free.

Time is the great equalizer.
My clock has stopped
I cannot breathe.
I dream of you
You forgot about me.
My rope is frayed
The knot has come undo.
My hands are bloody
Bruised and Burned from the Sisal
I let the rope go.
I let Time stop.
I let myself go.
Will this pain, torment, torture
Ever stop?

Wow that last post isnt finished.... when will Kelly learn... apparently never. I am glad to learn that all friendships dont have to be disfunctional like our was. I got a swift kick in the head just today, in a really inadvertant way....

In trying to define the terms of this new friendship I am at a loss.. I am almost too scared to put words on this because it initself is undefinable. an unspoken bond that transcends and terestrail exlpaination. To the casual observer it may seem as if its a childish crush.. And that comment gave me a moment of pause. Is that how it was being perceived? That caused a bit of an internal fuckup. Its wierd. refer to the post that I want to carved on my stone. That is how I choose to live the rest of my life. A conversation about self loathing today smacked of such reality i found myself welling up inside with pain shared of this consciencous that we have seemed to tap. A beautifully bittersweet penning of the feelings that I feel everytime I stare into mirror in candle light. She has a tendancy to knock the wind right out of me.

I hope in the end this is more of a permanent arrangment.... If not I will enjoy the time I get to share with this truly special person. I personally feel as if the level of pararellism between us lends to only natural comradory... Its wierd though,

I watched the promise of the future glint in the candlelight as it
ran down wrist and pool up at the base of my feet.

I knelt down and drew my finger tips through the memories of what could have been and felt the inky blackness of what was fill my eyes and my heart all at once...

A blast of cold air and I was alone. watching the world as they moved on, without me... barely even recognizing I was there, except for maybe the teardrop stain of promises broken on the floor

Okay here in its entirerity the dialogue between Blah Blah and myself... because I choose not to reward negative behavior again....

I wrote this after being given an ultimatetum in regards to repairing Blah Blahs computer. After She resheduled with me... because it was more important to go out and chase after a "player" because she had been single longer than 2 months... and her current interest wasnt moving forward fast enough... I would change the names to protect the innocent but no body is innocent here. As an interesting footnote, when I approached blah blah and mention that I thought she was starting to spiral she decide the best course of action was to contact the Builder to try and stir shit up. Of course she didnt think it would get back to me and she continued to deny, deny, deny deny, all of it. She much like my cousin thinks the world around them is as stupid as they assume. Wrong answer... So I call her on her actions and warn her, something I would never do in the past, and OF course, we deny deny deny deny... and I am played a fool. The caldron started to boil. Blah Blah had learned NOTHING about the past and hadnt changed... she just was able to convince herself. which this is all discussed below in great detail... this foreword needed to be written because It helps glue the story together.

Heres the shot that start WW3:

I really dont think I deserve to be treated like your treating me. You are treating me like YOU are doing ME a favor by letting me fix your computer, When in reality it is quite the opposite. I do not like the way this makes me feel. and I really dont appreciate you emotion to manipulate me. I have bent over backwards to fix your computer on several occasions, and even when I change plans for you, its still good enough, I think you have gotten so comfortable with these actions, that is no longer appreciated its EXPECTED, I am equally at fault here because I continually reward negative behavior. To add insult to injury after I do change my plans and move my shedule around to accomedate you, I am treated with contempt being treated again as if that you are doing me a favor and not the opposite, to further rub salt in the wound, I get issused an ultimatum that if I dont fix it your going to call someone else. Which I am still not sure why this is threatening. I think its an attempt play on some insecurity, I am not sure. If doug can do a better job, then maybe he should. or he can get it done faster than I can Great, let him at it. To make one point perfectly crystal Any work on your computer I have done has because I wanted to, not because I had to to, but I did so willingly to help out a friend, and it appears that my help not only is not Good enough, but unappreciated as well.

You say that you have changed, and I want to believe that but when say one thing and act like this what I am supposed to believe.

She vollied this back less than 30 mins. later....

Scot

As far as me changing, I don't care whether you believe it or not. These
are my choices. Yes, I have discussed everything with Sue and Denise, just
as I am sure you discussed everything with Michele and please this is not
the time to lie, because as I said a few weeks ago there are two people in
my life that I trust completely and that is Sue and Denise. I do not feel
victimized however, what a shock...you do. As far as Bob and I are
concerned, when I asked him a few months ago if it was true that he
insinuated something happened between us he said "absolutely not" and I
believe him. Unlike you he has never lied to me or at least not that I can
prove. Actually I am very happy with the way my life is I am surrounding
myself with people I love and who love me. As far as will other guys cheat
on me, maybe maybe not but that will not keep me from dating and having a
life. You need to take your own advise about glass houses. You said how
crappy it was that Jim doesn't return phone calls, well neither do you.
Apparently you had received the voice mail on Sunday and wait I get to hear
your complaints on Tuesday. You never let anything go. You harbor all of
life's crap and keep dumping it on me. As with Ryan I told you STAY OUT OF
IT. I don't want you involved if anything that will make matters worse. I
am a big girl and can handle situations on my own. Also, you should know by
now that there is no me and Ryan thing. Once again we are FRIENDS. I don't
understand what is so hard to get about that. As far as you being a good
friend, if I don't contact you, you don't call me. When was the last
Wednesday night that we hung out. I notice that you don't want to meet with
me and Michele on Wednesday, just Michele. I really don't care because she
can definitely give you more support in certain areas then I can but, as we
were hanging out and then you just stopped, well that is pretty suspicious
as it all started happening around the time you didn't need me to drive,
that bothers me. You twist everything and I am tired of taking the brunt.
I have a lot of crap going on in my life that doesn't have to do with you,
Michele, Ryan or anything actually in the below e-mail. Sue and Denise know
what is happening just in case something happens but, I still have to deal
with it. So for you to be on your high horse right now well, it is not
really good for me. I have got more major issues then who has bruised
feelings because once again you need to read into things. I know you are
going to say well, why didn't you tell me stuff was going on??? Truth is
you haven't been around for me to tell. The reason I didn't have you over
Thursday is because, as with every Thursday the vote was to go out and have
fun and I am not leaving anyone in my apartment when I don't know when I
will be home because you would not be able to leave until I got back as you
would have the only key to get in. Which was a good thing because we didn't
get in until after 2am. As far as having an adult relationship I would have
loved to have had one but, you are not capable which you have made very
evident by not viewing me as an adult. I can not and will not deal with
this situation right now as there are more pressing matters at hand. I am
sorry if you find that insulting but, there are more important things then
playing the blame game and the you hurt my feelings so instead of talking to
you I will send you a belittling e-mail.

I really enjoy her choice in language.... pressing matters at hand... I love when unintellengent people try and post up with phrases they have heard adult use... and misuse them.... This is very much like Stiffler in American Wedding... I willing admit that it is my responsiblity, and I should have returned her phone call, However, I thought I should calm down and not write something that was soley emotionally based. So I delayed. As for using her... This amazes me. She did provide relief while I was automobileless in IL, However what she fails to recognize is that The day after we got back I started work full time and my time was consumed. I should mention that the reference to blowing her off comes after she was excluded to a weekly occurring dart game because she tried to take it over and pushed the people that I originally started the outing with out.... Thats right, I was drinking with Dave, and Steve on Wednesday at St. Charlies and Michele joined one week. They liked her, the next week she managed to put everyone on edge and make the event unfun... Not to mention the fact that she called up Michele and invited her to Go play darts with "Me and Scot" Ironic isnt it? So we started to exclude her because outings were unfun... and if you not having fun whats the point of having an outing? A trip to PA occured. I was expect to wait on someone hand and foot. and when I wasnt moving fast enough blah blah someone I was delaying our departure... I had good right to, I was lamented for a home I didnt want to leave, and since the entire drive was up to me.. I figured why not be overtired. Since... which here is the kicker Blah, Blah would not drive stick because she was "uncomfortable" driving it on the highway... To add to this, to ensure I could use the I am overtired bit she threw in sleeping with a headache the entire ride home... or just about.... Yes, I made her help clean the house. I dont leave 124 without it being spotless. I am guest there...
she wouldnt get that... I cant help but think this princess attitude was fosted by her parents, probably overcompensating for adopting her. The result of their folly is raising 2 daughters who are completely unprepared for the world and who are scared of their own shadows. This results in unhappy children and even more unhappy adults... Whom the only way to win a loosing arguement is to pull out the famed "HEALTH CARD" thats what she is alluding to here. its been a crutch for the past ten years whenever she is having a bad day.... I know cancer patients who have a better life outlook than she does. She thinks she is going to barren because of some deasease, This is where kharma rears its ugly head... All nastyness she has propegated against mankind because she didnt get what she wanted when she wanted. that is what is going to make her barren. Spoiled Brat is all I can say... I know those who throw stones in glass houses shouldnt. We also need to address her need to be the professional victim. Notice how she like to project victimization onto me.... hmmmm...

Theres more to be added here, like my response that will come later....

Interesting postscript to this conversation, though, blah blah had to resort to getting the person she wanted nothing more to do with to fix her computer. Bigger fish to fry read the next post..

This is a work in progress.... I am driven to be better:

First and foremost, and I am glad you had the self respect to not do that, and further hope that self respect is a truly motivated from within.

As you I think you will remember when discussed change and I told you how a change is only valid if every time that change is put into question it is unwaviered. This spawned quite a discussion with the ~o and I. Because she seemed to think that I said that change could not be instantous, when in reality it can be, its the consistency in which this change is practiced is what makes it truly a Change. When I clarified my message she complety agreed. Another important aspect of change is that for it truly to be a viable change it is hardly ever mentioned, Some would argue that mentioning would overall negate any hopes of viable change because praise is sought for the change for praise sake, not for the sake of change Coupled with this conversation, The discussion of emotional shortcutting and how when a person acts differently out of the norm of their normal action discrepancies are formed That's the unfortunate aspect of change that not many people are aware of. But I am here to tell you that it does get better and don't sacrifice what you have built already because it very tempting to resume your past actions because whenever you change a cycle if its change is NOT accepted as instantous its easier to fall back into previous patterns instead of changing a undesired behaviour. This causes the cycle to restart, and causing frustration because it appears that ones' actions have had no effect. Thus reducing the probablity of a change ever being realized, because the attitude is adopted that, "I have tried to change and nobody seems to notice" I am also here to attest that this is how I felt, and still do for the most part.

The unfortunate ness of this whole sorted affair is bad timing. You have a tendency have a case of severe immediacy when it comes to natures of the heart, and when that immediacy is not shared with the rest of the cosmos understandably feelings are hurt and self-inflicted pain are felt.
It is only natural that when this happens that it is necessary to have someone to blame. Because after all if " I " have to feel the pain of my needs of immediacy not being met, I need to blame someone for such unspeakable “atrocities” and “make them pay”
This brings us back to change. Its sometimes the hardest to admit to ourselves that there is s a demon inside of us that brings us to do some pretty unspeaking and rather ghastly things. It seems the more we deny this demon the strong and more viable it becomes. The biggest challenge to we face is not let our “demon” do things to people that we all know will result in bad karma piking back on oneself. There is also another misconception out there that needs to be put to rest. We don’t get to choose how negative Kharma repays a visit to our doorsteps, and can be completely unrelated. For example, just because your signifigant other cheats on you does that mean that your future sig other will do the same, Kharma maybe repaid in the way that may seem totally unrelated.

Patience is grace, and unfortunately grace is sometimes one of those virtues that is hard achieve. By ignoring this grace, or choosing to deflect the efforts into another direction you not only do not allow yourself to encompass all feelings that are associated with the encounter, and in hopes that the realization that love is not a process, its an evolution you cant force, in fact it makes one question what love is , and it ceases to reduce it to a crude animal act.

Blah Blah strikes again when she learn, she is going to end up in the cold. As for Big Head and Hairy or as she has been recently been dubbed the Etech a Sketch, (Thanx oracle) It have been one year since I made the worst mistake of my life. Yikes, Boys and girls I only have one thing to Say, Dont settle for mediocre, get what you want so you dont have to look else where. Wasssamatta Big Head did you like seeing honesty spilled out on the page? Theres no corner on the Alt. Screename market, if you would like I could suggest a few for you: How about:
PlasticBoy
SwedWannabe
WildaBeastluver
SpoiledRichBoi
Made4tvmovie
wannabe
triedtobe
Tonyrobbin'scumrag
MrRobbinsscatmuncher

Dont worry fugly you wont be excluded. For you I have

Fugly
SwedewannabeGF
EtechaSketch
Fakey
Faux
FauxLingustistic
CumReceptacle

Hmmmmm..... That felt much better.

Blah Blah strikes again when she learn, she is going to end up in the cold. As for Big Head and Hairy or as she has been recently been dubbed the Etech a Sketch, (Thanx oracle) It have been one year since I made the worst mistake of my life. Yikes, Boys and girls I only have one thing to Say, Dont settle for mediocre, get what you want so you dont have to look else where. Wasssamatta Big Head did you like seeing honesty spilled out on the page? Theres no corner on the Alt. Screename market, if you would like I could suggest a few for you: How about:
PlasticBoy
SwedWannabe
WildaBeastluver
SpoiledRichBoi
Made4tvmovie
wannabe
triedtobe
Tonyrobbin'scumrag
MrRobbinsscatmuncher

Dont worry fugly you wont be excluded. For you I have

Fugly
SwedewannabeGF
EtechaSketch
Fakey
Faux
FauxLingustistic
CumReceptacle

Hmmmmm..... That felt much better.

A new finding: 
 
1.When you have no money you are trailer trash.
2.When you have some money you watch Nascar.
3.When you have a lot of money,  Your considered nouveau riche
 
The common element here is lack of class.  No amount of money can give you class.  Take a trip South of Darien one day,  You'll see alot of Types 1,2, and three.... But thats stating the obvious.
 
I have discovered something interesting about Gen Yers they somehow think that they are smarter then Gen X.  Actually they are nothing more than copy cats of the doomed generation.  
Cousin Dickhead, and Hairy Both seem to think that Using multi-syllabic words increase their arugement potential, I say Verbal economy.  Sometime Fuck you is all you need to say.
 
BTW,

FUCK YOU.

Been a while since I last posted.  Too much to think about.  Pending employment here, pending employment there.  What to do?  What to do?  I noticed that  Big head  has slipped out of existence?   Theres no wonder that they see big head coming...   I am so glad I achieved enough escape velocity to remove myself from that alternative universe.  I cant say much for other people.  I guess when in doubt, comprimise your principles and change.   Jello can never be nailed to the wall.  Ever.  Now can it?    Speaking of this, I think someone should feel really shitty when they look in the mirror.  After all, your discrepant behavior that I overlooked at the time, has been reevaluated, and I find you lower, than well your agressor,  Way to take responsiblity of your own actions.  Run off and adopt those dogs, and live within five minutes of your in-laws...  When white trash is in site, It must be right.

Really is that the best you can do? I am really amazed. So limited gestures from such hyper intellegent person. I think this time cranium size and intellegence have a inverse relationship. Ps. I am having dinner with bannana hands. Next Month. I make sure and tell him he has more disciples.

Tried something new today. I decided that I would not answer my cell phone at all. I must have a lot of voicemails. Its nothing against anyone that was trying to call me but I just wanted to not deal with the thing shit storm I have created. Quite possibly the lowest of the low hit last night. and I went to go hold my favorite dog in the whole wide world. She is now 77 by dog years. Her once golden fur has turned platinum white.... She can still beg like a puppy, and I see the unconditional love in her eyes when I scratch her tummy. How can anyone own a cat? Cats are useless creatures. Cats throw up and use a litter box. YUK. Back to Daizee, the wunder slut. a little scratch behind the ears and she would melt. 1993 was much simpler time. I sat at a coffee house tonight for the first time in years. I dont count the house simply for the shear fact that the house was nothing more than a wannabe coffee establishment, desparate to be avante gard... trying to too hard to be unique. I found myself challenged to get to this place, I went with a very good, old friend that was child free for the night, and we got a good buzz on like we used to so many years ago. I often wonder why my friends put up with my bullshit. Yes thats right put up with my bullshit. I got a lecture tonight that I should forgive something from a relative and welcome them back into my life, This upset me because there is nothing to forgive. I took a stance and decided to follow it through. It was a much simpler to let bygones be bygones, when I made the decision to cut myself out but when I was the one cut out, its hard to force yourself back into this persons life. A low blood sugar momement lead to me walking away to watch goonies. It was fun to watch teenagers discuss political topics with such vigor as if they had the world by the ass. I declared at the top of my lungs that I wanted my 20's back. I want to have the materials I have now and get a do-over. I think that is fair. I know I would change ALOT of my past. I was going to post some lyrics to another song, kinda as a homeage to the little meglomaniac in tremont, since he has so often done before me. So here goes. I never listend to this song until I had the album for almost a year. I am a sucker for anyone tht is brave enough to add a string quartet to any pop piece. but here goes.... before that though, I have a comment, A breve is NOT made with coffee its made with expresso.

I wished I was smarter
I wished I was stronger
I wished I loved Jesus
The way my wife does
I wish it had been easier
Instead of any longer
I wished I could have stood where you would have been proud
But that won't happen now
That won't happen now


There's a whole lot of singing that's never gonna be heard
Disappearing everyday without so much as a word somehow
Think I broke the wings off that little song bird
She's never gonna fly to the top of the world right now
Top of the world


I don't have to answer any of these questions
Don't have no God to teach me no lessons
I come home in the evening
Sit in my chair
One night they called me for supper
But I never got up
I stayed right there in my chair


There's a whole lot of singing that's never gonna be heard
Disappearing everyday without so much as a word somehow
Think I broke the wings off that little song bird
She's never gonna fly to the top of the world right now


I wished I'd a known you
Wished I'd a shown you
All of the things I was on the inside
I'd pretend to be sleeping
When you come in in the morning
To whisper good-bye
Go to work in the rain
I don't know why
Don't know why


Cause everyone's singing
We just wanna be heard
Disappearing everyday without so much as a word somehow
Wanna grab a hold of that little song bird
Take her for a ride to the top of the world right now


(Instrumental)


Whoa, Whoa
To the top of the world
To the top of the world
To the top of the world
To the top of the world
To the top of the world
To the top of the world
To the top of the world
To the top of the world...

I often think of starting the countdown to the end, I wonder, btw the official defintion of what a cafe breve is:
Brevé: Short for Espresso Brevé. Espresso with half-n-half instead of milk.

strange to think that halfnhalf has less carbs than milk... YIKES.

blah blah, smokey, oracle all know something is up, apple too. I avoid the microscope they offer in search of solace with lunatree girl.

Sorry no post in a while, but I had to rebuild another machine this weekend leaving my blogger outlet unpluggged so I could work on the other. Its been a big week I was able to secure a large type keyboard for the mom who is losing her sight, That and upgrading her monitor to something larger. Of course these things were interperted as something sinister. I like that word sinister. I learned alot this weekend about myself. Apparently I am not as wrong about things as I once thought. In skipping out of a bbq that was planned with me not being included I went to a new friends place and had an AWESOME time! It felt good to talk to people that were not so much entirely full of shit, or so narcisitic that they can talk about something other than themselves. I think about the energy wasted on this venture, I think about last year at this time and I think how much happier I am now. I think the methphor of time making everything equal. Things I know:
I am better than I have every been.
I am feeling more centered because its been a natural center that is not for anybody but myself.
I know my path is going to be long and winding,
I know that I dont want it any other way.
I faced the facts that who I am is not going to change
My life that has been threated by someone that you all know and I have to say that if he is going to come to me in the middle of the night to kill me I welcome it. Fear not little ones, I will be back again. and again. and again.

Someone told me that they could not count on me knowing when it was going to happen. I do know. You can only affect someone like that if you have something to lose. I have nothing to lose. It is truly wonderful that it has come to this. I am not bulletproof. I am however smarter than him. he knows it. It amazes me how much blah blah and him and other people have emulated me and twisted the emulation to fit the needs. could you imagine what that feels like? I do. Its fucked up. You dont see some people for years and they remind you of something you used to say, and they still say it. Thats just the begining. I guess my mom's brother and her sister inlaw now are talking to her after putting her through the wringer for six months because my aunt feelings were hurt, because. "she didnt call me" Grow the fuck up. This is the bullshit that causes me to be tired. Inflict whatever pain you would like on others but be comfortable with that pain when you realize its permanent. I bear none of you ill-will.I tried to prevent your pain and you burn me because of this. I am going to give you what you want. Silence. Your going to have to deal with me like you do everyone else. There is not alternate universe. I dont care if you dont want to play. you have to live with your actions just like I have to live with mine. Its my fault because I wasnt quick enough to avert the disaster. Oh well, guess I will have to pay. Will that be suffiencent enough cause to have your son send me to my maker? I hope so. Enough of that. I have a long distance dedication that needs to go out to someone: Sing it Ani: btw..... how do you look at yourself in the mirror, knowing the lies you told Blowing a HS crush and his friend..... anyway sing it ANI:

untouchable face

think i'm going for a walk now
i feel a little unsteady
i don't want nobody to follow me
'cept maybe you

i could make you happy, you know
if you weren't already
i could do a lot of things
and i do

tell you the truth i prefer the worst of you
too bad you had to have a better half
she's not really my type
but i think you two are forever
and i hate to say it but you're perfect together

so fuck you
and your untouchable face
fuck you
for existing in the first place
and who am i
that i should be vying for your touch
who am i
bet you can't even tell me that much

2:30 in the morning
and my gas tank will be empty soon
neon sign on the horizon
rubbing elbows with the moon
safe haven of the sleepless
where the deep fryer's always on
radio is counting down the top 20 country songs

out on the porch the fly strip is
waving like a flag in the wind
you know i really don't look forward
to seeing you again soon.

you look like a photograph of yourself
taken from far far away
i won't know what to do
i won't know what to say

so fuck you...

i see you and i'm so perplexed
what was i thinking
what will i think of next
where can i hide
in the back room there's a lamp
that hangs over the pool table
and when the fan is on it swings
gently side to side
there's a changing constellation
of balls as we are playing
i see orion and say nothing
the only thing i can think of saying

is fuck you...

mmmmm. thats much better.

Well I havent posted all weekend except for now, and what a completely screwed up weekend I am having. This was totally messed up. I had one friend after another crashing down around me.... Interesting though, I wonder what my role is in all of this. Blah Blah let someone set her up on a blind date and this was unacceptable because this person was a stranger... Of course this seter-up was not at fault here, and blah blah tried to hide this fact and go behind her back. My newest friend is waivering on what he should do in life, and I seem to be his reality checkpoint. This is wierd for me. My home has been invaded by someone who wants to play familia for the day, I have plans I thought and off I went. I sent this out a mass email: I think its important I post this here:
Did you know ???

Did you know that when you envy someone, it's because you really like that
person?

Did you know that those who appear to be very strong in heart, are real
weak and most succeptible?

Did you know that those who spend their time protecting others are the
ones that really need some one to protect them?

Did you know that the three most difficult things to say are : I love you, Sorry and help me The people who say these are actually in need of them or
really feel them, and are the ones you really need to treasure, because
they have said them.

Did you know that people who occupy themselves by keeping others company
or helping others are the ones that actually need your company and help?

Did you know that those who dress in red are more confident in themselves?


Did you know that those who dress in yellow are those that enjoy their
beauty?

Did you know that those who dress in black, are those who want to be
unnoticed and need your help and understanding?

Did you know that when you help someone, the help is returned in two
folds?

Did you know that those who need more of you are those that don't mention
it to you?


Did you know that it's easier to say what you feel in writing than saying
it to someone in the face?But did you know that it has more value when you
say it to their face?

Did you know that what is most difficult for you to say or do is much more
valuable than anything that is valuable that you can buy with money?

Did you know that if you ask for something in faith, your wishes are
granted?

Did you know that you can make your dreams come true, like falling in
love, becoming rich, staying healthy, if you ask for it by faith, and if
you really knew, you'd be surprised by what you could do.
But don't believe everything I tell you, until you try it for yourself ,
if you know someone that is in need of something that I mentioned, and you
know that you can help, you'll see that it will be returned in two-fold

DID YOU KNOW THAT YOU COULD ALWAYS COUNT ON ME???... AT THE MOMENT, TIME
AND PLACE THAT YOU NEED ME, CALL ME, I WILL BE THERE WITH YOU !!!!!

"One day, we will change the world...or we are already changing it " THE
BALL IS NOW IN YOUR COURT... If the world were to end in 24 hours, all the
phone lines, chat rooms and e-mails will be saturated from people sending
messages to others, saying: "I regret having made you feel bad", "Pardon
me", "I love you", "I hold you in high esteem", take good care of
yourself" and sometimes "I have always loved you, only I never told you".


Someone else today reminded me of the serenity prayer. I wish I am trying very hard to let go of things. maybe one day I will be able to do so.