I wasnt even going to read this, but I thought what the hell, Apparently a bad friend a I be. It never ceases to amaze me how when people dont get what they want the extent they will goto:

Apparently I am the problem, which I knew... its nice to know that is just been confirmed by one of the most honest, loyal and caring friends I know.

Heres to you,

I knew this musta have been tough to write, Breaking the "I am the nice guy persona" to tell enumerate the reasons why its my fault I got tired of your lies.


The following was sent to several of my email addresses. I choose not to respond.. but i will post it here for the world to decide how big of an ahole I am.



Subject:Final Closure-If you delete then a coward and can not face the truth!

Dude,


Well I heard from the Grapevine that the Friendship is over with! That was your choice and not mine.. I was willing to work on it, but you did not act adult like to talk about it except for reamining me a new a--hole and talk about my past. I understand that I lied to you about things in the past and recently with things about your cousin. After that I learned my lesson and stopped. I even told you that I would. But your big f---ing hang up is you always judge people by what they did and never ever give them the chance to change. Heck I could have changed and you would never even know it..... You are always so quick to judge people right off the bat... I hate to tell you something but you do not have the right to do that. And you always wanted to know what something's that bugged me about you. Fine I will let you know them now. One, you are not always right about everything, and you sure in the hell don't have the right to think you know everything. The main one is you are so quick to give advise but you will never take it.... You need to sit the f--k down and look in the mirror and figure out your own life before you can help people decide what to do with theirs. You are using life as a cop-out and blaming everyone else for your problems. For example the work thing, I hate to tell you but you left so you have no right bitching and moaning about vacation time and saying the need to give you all your benefits back. Sorry the world does not revolve around SCOT, they do not need to give you what you want. You left and came back, so face it you where a new employee. So sit down and figure out your life and not live your life through everyone else... You are so afraid of things that you always say I am going to run to PA, well that is your choice and I hate to say it but I think you are scared to do it. And when you did call yourself a friend, friends trusted each other with things and only said them to each other and promised not to let those things out. Hell then I take it you have not been a friend for a long time. You have no right speaking for me about me! I am trying to forget about my past and move on.. But lord know's that Scot only dowels on the past and never leaves it alone. S--t and I love how you talk bad about someone and then become their bestest friend. You are a two timing bastard! All you like to do is cause conflict in people lives and sorrow! I also know that you like to have people on the inside to keep and eye on your enemies. Which I hate to say is so damn "Childish" GROW UP!

I am saying this cause even though you say the friendship is done, I will always be here if you need me or if something goes wrong. I never kick my friends to the curb. I still care for you as a very good friend but you need to figure things out on your own. And maybe this is a window opening showing you, that maybe it is you and that is why friendships go bad.

I wrote this not to make you mad but to open your eyes to reason! But I know you don't listen to reason, unless it is scot's reason.

Have a good life and if you never talk to me again, well that is your choice not mine.

Wow long time no post. It happens I guess. I sound like a really vendictive person. I know I do, but If you met the people that I grew up with you would understand. Its really scary when you wake up one day and realize that you were such a fool to trust. I have no friends... 4 years and no evolution. Hahaha... actually I have no friends out of choice not because of some pyschosis.

I went running down the hallway and I jumped into the mirror, On the other side, things seemed much more like they should be. There was no pain there... and all the things wrong were made right again. The problem is I was taking a shower in this alternative place and I was sucked back into the problems of what I once left. YOU STUPID WHORE... You lied more that BLAH BLAH... that takes talent. Success makes you fat I hear... Funny it had the the reverse effects on me.

I am here, I am alive, and I wonder, how many lies is your truth based on? What lies more can tell? Mommie was right, Once a liar always a liar.

I want to goto sleep tonight and not think of the pain of yesterday.
I want to goto sleep tonight and not think of the wasted yesterdays
I want to goto sleep tonight and forget about today.
I want to goto sleep tonight and wake up to a bright new tomorrow.
I want to goto sleep tonight and wake up next to you.

So you may laugh at me, but I just went to see herbie fully loaded. I reminded me how much of my life I wasted on chasing after the acceptance of other people. I forced somenoe to write a list of what they reallly wanted to focus their energy in that posistion. Quite frankly I know what I want its just so utter impossible at this slice of time to see through the haze that I left settle of my heart. What if everyone figures out I am completely full of shit. I dont know any better than the rest of you fucks.... reeally I dont. .... Eventually everyone tires of me and longs for me to go away. Full of shit I am. Full of shit I be. I am 30 and I have nothing to show for it. My friends are splintered and scattered to the wind. My own family can barely tolerate me. I recently let go of some anger that was over a decade old. And I think I am still reeling from it. How to deal with someone as petty and childishness rivals my own. The moon is full tonight. I beg the moon's indulgence to make things right again. Back to a time where things were good and a new. Before the Scamdals before the betrayl before the I allowed blah blah to poison my life. I clamor... What it be like if eveyone was still here. lets turn back the clock ten years. I wanna to keep the knowledge I have now though, I wouldnt be laying in my childhood bed on a wirless keyboard stairing my tv. I would someplace else, Thanking my blessing for not fucking the last decasde up. Death would be an easy exit here on the on ramp of life, but I know the rules.. Iican hang out here for a while... meanwhile I feel I slowly feel my spirit dying inside my body. I dont ask for people to pity me pity is overated. I ask for the indulgence to just be. Stop trying to clamour for their attnetion you ahole.... dont force your agenda on them. dont you get it. Driving around tonight with the windos open at speeds that are just fun I kept thingking less painful lonelyness is when its a constant. I beg for the patience to realize why I am still here. Or not. this would be funny if it were so trus, I am like a giant sponge and I am willing to take our pain away just so you can be free and lieave without intruding in life. I just paused in my head and relived a moment the is ye t to happen. IYou going to wathc this blog pain aattention for the clues the clues of what I know to be true

another skip in time this time My life has spilled out onto the deck... below it was like a cheese for better or worse, we have a blank about people chocie, Good night, I miss you

night...

Its official I am going to hell. I have learned so much of the torture that I put hairy through in the last months of our relationship. No wonder she opted out for Downsy Mogoloid and his bad of crazy critters... Although the Setup I had her find was truly fun and exciting but thats why I am here today. There is this growing trend of mmy computer not being anything like it once was. I picked up a wireless mours/keyboard combo so now I can lay in bed in type... no desk... stay in bed. I have learned more about the fucked up logic that is mean in the last 60 days than I learned in five years. experience is a great teacher too baad she lied about some things. Anyway I also came to another conclusion which I will only allude to here... a change is in the works. hopefully I will qualify and I will survive the them all. talk to you later.....

A Mirror is more honest to oneself, Than a photograph.

Things I was able to accomplish:
I erased all contact with Hairy, and Mogoloid Boy.
All that remains are some scandalous mpegs. (Ebay anyone?)

I went home I realized that I need to go back permanently.
I now get it. I am supposed to be there and not here. I am usch a horrible person that the lvoe of my life cheated on me. Htheee thats what I used to think. More like I was lied to because Hairy didnt know any better. I guess mommie/ shakes the clown was right.yikes.

It doesnt matter. Maybe it does. Nothing like 20 hours in the car to make you feel alive again. This trip much like the computer parts was rather cathardic... i took all the broken pieces of my life put them back together and gave them a new veneer. Staples is slowy becoming my favorite office supply store. They are like OfficeMAx used to be many years ago. (before that Black guy with the lopsided afro... I am not getting that marketing concept are you? Filling out the randomizer this week was a Dvm calin me and asking if I am in IL I am.... she said good i need to call you later. I am not sure waht that is all about. I need to sleep. this is a good night to go inot a coma. not comma, coma. Eeek! hope you enjoyed it. I konw I didnt. Fucko.

Heres a switch even that shell is gone now. Its clear to me that I know now what I need to do. I deleted you out of my phone book and your mongoloid headed boyfriend as well. Pork out with your Bad self.

Well its been over a year since I had my own functional computer. and I finally got on e up and running. Cathardic as it was to bulid it was a metahpor for my life. My old computer as it was great at the time, all the components worked together and they got the job done, however disfunctional in the end it was. I qet it now. well much like those old components are so was my iife is now, my shell is all here but what makes up me is now no longer the same. It is true I got a good spirtual kick to me head today. Actually more of a reminder of who I once was and now longer am. I guess it was a good thing as destroyed as I was after I heard it coming thats usuallly how the oracle strikes... too close to the truth about my need get ou here is. find me more lies later.

I feel a was more than a little remiss in speaking of of my sojurn to Champana. I forget what a fountain of positive energy the DVM is, I forgot how health it can be to drive across Illinois at great speeds. I don't think DVM knows how much of a positive impact she continues to have on my life. Without getting too sappy, She is a great ally and I am honoured to be considered a contemporary. I think back to our rocky beginings and how much of an Ahole I can be at Vodkas first grip. Yet through all of that we have managed to tay friends. In examing my relationships with other people, I am trying to isolate the good ones, and irradicate the old ones. Its true that when someone only lives up the road that when they are gone you miss them the most. I am glad we are friends. Across this last year of discovery, she has always been the supportive voice of the phone, reminding that just because everyone around you is FUCKED Up... and you see the imbalace and they dont doesnt make you the fuct up one. Anyway, I apologize for summing my Champanga experience just down to bad mexican. There as cheap drinks... and Swing Dancing... (MUAHAAHAA) those of you know me cant imagine me dancing I know. I have a lot of potential energy, all I can say is watch out when it goes kinetic.

I hate my job. I was denied a promotion because I was not qualified, But I am now answering questions, and training the person whom got promoted, Adding insult to injury... I was also told I could not apply for other posistion, A year of solitary confinement for I, Its really rather pathetic.

I used to think that love is an unreal concept. I had to convince myself last time I was in love, so I am what you could say a less than adovcate. Another very wise friend has fallen in love, and is extremely hAppy. So much so that This person is going move to the other end of the country. I am sad to see the departure of this person I realize why it is the journey must be taken. This person deserves a lifetime of happiness.. They have devoted their life to the happiness of others and not even though of themselves. More to come on this,

Hmmmm... Got a hold of the Nitwits xanga addy mysterously its been taken down. I figured I was supposed to find it. After all he took this blog changed the names and repacked as his own. Tonight the words just seems to pour out of me. I am a little kid with hurt feelings and I am very alone. I enjoy alone. I can start to work on the novella that I need to write. All of you will get a chapter. I started titling them out a while a ago... the most poignant I can not mention here. Type fast I do, for I wish my brains throughput would matchs my hands speed in typing. I need to write more. I can not wait to sit on the front porch with laptop in lap and muse.... Who the fuck am I kidding.

Pork up Porky.. 1.5 years til you will be a size 24... HURRRAH!!!

Okay I know imitation is supposed to be the best form of flattery, but This is ridicoulous. I just read something that literally makes me want to vomit. My former posts about Hair changed around because someone broke up with ther "wife" I am impresed it only took 2.5 years to figure out what bad path she was headed down. I read this persons pontification and I was like, holy shit if I sound like this put a fork in me I am done. I was supposed to find this blog, it was time. He is trying to rebuild a superhigway that he tore down. Its not that easy, and I would like to think I that I had some cause in his demise, but for once the universe has taken care of this imbalance.

I was the demon, and now that I no longer "influence" his life, and things are still fuct up He had to turn on his wife, what a sad, pathetic thing, I am not feeling any sypathy, because he must be responsible for his own actions, he threw away his family, and his source of income, because he was trying to make a stand in a very Dohman sort of way. In his mind he is the Alpha he is the Omega, in reality he is nothing more than a moon of Alpha, Omega, Cold, Dead and empty, and sucking energy off of those around him.

I know he thinks I took his cash cow away, that his family that used to shower him in present now shower me, Well he has it only half right, they shower me, but its not in presents, its in love and support, but its good, because its reciprocal. I am nor sure if he reads this and if does great, because unlike others, Poopfish, who needtd to take their indentity down for fear that the medicrity would be known by all I share it all, the good the bad, and the shitty.

By the way... Rumble Bee..... find your own godamn style. I didnt copy anybody, I am me. you fucktard. I am not angry at you, I dont feel sad for you i dont feel anything for you. I was willing to share Tremont, and you werent. I do nothing but live my life and take responsiblity for my actions. Grow up, or do you wanna be empty inside for the rest of your life, Follow the path of your father, mediocrity is the easier goal to acheive because, when you fail... theres always someone or someething else to blame it on.

Okay so it was brought to my attention that this world is messed up. Not that i didnt know it already. I wish i knew which direciton was up,,,,

Dont eat at Qudobo They SUCK!!!

Heres what I submitted to their customer comment line:

I just wanted to say that I had the WORST experience EVER at your Champaign IL restarant this Sunday. I ordered a Naked Burrito with extra Salsa and 3 Steak Tacos (Hard Shell) Plain with cheese and 3 cheese queso sauce, and I ordered it for delivery. First of all, The restaurant did not answer their phone the first three times we called (each time the phone rang at least 10 times) and when we finally did get an answer we they took the order, it took almost an hour and half to get the food and when we did it was not only COLD but the order was missing half. No Queso on the Taco, No Queso with the Medium order of chips, and The tacos were soft shelll. We called to complain and when we did the store representitive and he said oops, "I should have told you we dont delivery hard shell tacos... Sorry, " and in repsonse to the cheese, He said someone will bring it to you.. We waited for over an hour and half, and NOTHING....

This was my first experience with your restaurant chain, and let assure you I will be telling all of my friends to avoid ALL of your restaraunts because of the lack of service, and lack of value for the food,

Our bill was $20.00 for what amounted to Cold tacos, a cold burrito, and stale Chips with no sauce, and a promise to fix an order that was never fulfilled. As being someone who works in customer service for a living, If treated my customers the way I was treated, I would not retain very many customers.

A Very Disspointed First time Customer,
Domhan Solus

I dont know how this came about but I was going to title this post END TIMES. Something has been weighing on my mind as of late. I posed this question to a couple of friends and they just looked at me as if I was going off in one of my crazy fits of rage. The end times are here albeit not exactly as we thought they would be, I mean there has been no dramatic fire and Brimstone per se but there has been some happenstance that would like me to believe the supreme one (Higher Diety not the pizza) is about ready to call our number.

I was searching ebay last night very late and I came across a truly disturbing post. People actually sell used Enenma/Douche bags for anal/vagina/rectal irrigation. EEEEWWWAAAA... thats just nasty, and this coming from someone who was given a copy of Granny Gang Bang 72 Yikes.

This post started to be funny when I was thinking about it but its a couple of days old, and I am not quite in the mood to be funny.
I am not sure what in am in the mood for. Things have taken a turn for the interesting when it comes to things. Patsy refuses to let go of the people in my life that I just dont want to have part of it anymore, and it makes it really hard. I finally found the chink in the armour of a close friendship. Never call this person ont their actions even though they might be obvious beause the will lash out at you and say some pretty hurtfully brutal things. As with all things I just asmilate into what matters and move on....
So this weekend I present a challenge to myself. My goal is not to randomly sleep 15 or more hours in a single stretch. I leaving town for the weekend. well not really the weekend more like 24 hours... It should be nice... The land of Orange and Blue. Woo Who... I should come back recharged and seeing the world in a new light. I like a good emotional kick to the head sometimes.

Fuck it.......

A late night check-in here. It has been a truly bizarre week. I lost a promotion I didnt really want, and I have officially sank into a depression. I think we I sleep 14.5 hours in a day that constitutes a deep depression. I have decided though, I do not think I am going to talk about this, this time with anyone. Nobody wants to hear it, most of all myself.
The phone just rang its awesome how prejudiced Patsy is about my life, If she knew that the person on the other calling was her favorite grand niece things would be well, she came trapsing out of her bedroom to let me know she was displeased... and I am supposed to feel something other than contempt for her.
I have yet again left someone else in my life overide the direction that I need to be in. I am amazed at how spineless I have become. As the crow flys I find it interesting that My boss would goto any extent to sabotage a entire business channel at my company, I get the feeling that she knows she has done wrong and is waiting for my retrobution. Something that will never come, thats awfully petty. I love when someone wrongs you and they act differently because there is an assumption made that you will seek revenge. That again is very overated. Effects of decisions like this are felt for years to come. I received the message, Loud and Clear. Ty raid over. In a recent conversation with DVM we talked about her feelings on Garden State. I found it interesting she assigned such little value to the message it protrayed because it was too much like the people she knew. I can respect that, and It could just be that I am a drama addict, I dunno.
I drove around tonight after my 14.5 hours of sleep. I was awake for about 10 minutes because I did talk to my new insurance sales person friend about ducks, and other such oddities.

In the hallways of my mind there blows a draft, Cold and stinging, The more I turn up the Theromstat the harder the wind seems to drift across the floor. Its almost as if the cold air is nothing more than the negative thoughts that are slowly becoming who I am, I wonder how long it will take for me to completely dissappear into the inky blackness of a cool spring night. On the surface I would miss it, and maybe even be missed.
Who knows... Only the truly tortured souls get recognition when they pass. PLEASE DO NOT WORRY ABOUT ME. I am not planning on doing anything
"stupid" Its merely an observation. I know the rules now, and I need to play by them. What the hell that means for sure I dont know.
I almost made a really big mistake and got this promotion something that would have driven me farther away from where I need to be. "Stop taking the path of least resistance" DVM is good for the shockabooku..(spritual kick to head) but heres another barn burner for ya: We are our own reality. what we says goes. apart for societial rules, We define who the gets center stage... our scared 6 year old versions of ourselves. or the grownup that is dead and numb from barriers that are a result of burying every dream and aspiration in the backyard we all the former pet goldfish.

In retrospect, I wasnt that bad. I set the whole thing up You know what I mean. Stories are created. I needed to know what your truth was, and I did. I wanted to flush you out. Give your persmission to allow success to be your ruse. I know you still read this. You check it weekly. Its like a drug to you... you did with the X FLIP and you will do it with me. Suprising is not something your capapable of. You have no idea of what class is? When you figure out trading up for the next model is kinda sad because your going to be 48 on a baby farm and divorced because your spouse knows your nuts.
To my faithful readers, I am sorry for those who come here and read my words and have to thinkI am bitter, Its not really me, but the little things that are sent to me on behalve of a Former interest, We broke up because of her Cheating, Lying, and otherwise Whoring aroud... her idea of success was opening her legs for any guy that would promise a rich lifestyle.
Why do I revist this? because much like Blah Blah, I think that The universe will unfold as it needs and you will be barren, Alone, and wondering why you can find truth, because after 23 years of deception your the only one that was truly decieved.

Well the big 3 0h has come and went. Pretty anti climatic... I realized something today as I was driving around running errands for my uncle. I have successfully alienated myself to the rest of the world I find more comfort staying home on a saturday and licking my proverbial wounds. I have come to a couple of discoveries of late. I am yet again paring off my "friends" because they add no value, oh shit who I am kidding, its more like they a paring me away from being value added, read that last line it seems as if I wrote a training manual of this.

Does everyone have a favorite childhood hot dog stand they go to when they want to relive the past? I cant help but get hungry and go up the block and get a "Tommy's Special" 2 hotdogs frys and a large drink for 4 bucks... I am getting old because I remember when it was 1.50 YIKES
and the fries were not frozen but real potatoes.

Another random musing is that the moon look rather full. Its kinda funny.... Much work to do tonight or should I say much work to undo? you be the judge? Does anybody read this? I am curious...

I did get a pardon from causing someone to ballon up I found out... long since I was gone... maxium density has been achieveed.

Early Morning Checkin with the Oracle greeting me Got a pen and paper? Knowing the Oracle she could have been giving me a list of reasons why Feta Cheese is healthy for you, or the list of Fastest Cars she's beaten with Devine, (her Eldorado) or Simply reasons why people or just stupid. STUPID... Well the answer is E none of the above.... she wanted me to hear a quote, from the latestest DEAN KOONTZ book she was reading.(READING IS STILL FOR LOSERS) any the quote,

Sometimes there is no Darker Place than our thoughts: The Moonless Midnight of Our Mind

I had a bit of a chuckle because this is close to my post about Garden State the other night. Anyway.... thought that was to the point... I also found out that I need to be more susurrant in my pontifications of these endeavors while didlgent efforts go unnoticed.

Yet another instance of being correct. I love it.

Okay a co-worker forwarded this to me, and All I could think was who that I know would do something like this:

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words

back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the testimonials of a few

people who did....

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing
for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store
that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler
decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go. He said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes
with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly
choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants andsat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2
days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future,likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

So I challenge this: Who else has real life stories like this?