Friday, January 21, 2005
| Big Five Word Test Results |
| Extroversion (81%) high which suggests you are overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense too often of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity. Friendliness (52%) medium which suggests you are moderately kind natured, trusting, and helpful while still maintaining your own interests. Orderliness (25%) low which suggests you are overly flexible, random, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense too often of structure, reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment. Emotional Stability (43%) moderately low which suggests you are worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious. Openmindedness (62%) moderately high which suggests you are intellectual, curious, imaginative but possibly not very practical. |
personality tests by similarminds.com
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
They say time heals All Wounds.
I have tendancy to believe them. I am feeling optimistic as of late, which is something new for me. Driving to work today I put my life into prospective, I had another friend dissappoint me again yesterday. I am getting tired of this. I guess I need to make better choices in friends. I really sound like the Dennis's when I say this but I really think the only person you can count on is yourself. Small minded red-neck voice checking in today apparently. YIKES... Driving to work this morning I also realized how small my car is. It seemed much bigger than before. All I can say is I love stick shift.
I want to leave town for the weekend. I miss Friday night movie night at the Uncles, and I miss Chicken Parm subs.
Why do people intentionally hurt people? I just dont get it.
In other news
Theres a couple of cool blogs I have tripped over, I was randoming surfing, and I came across them..
The Complainer --
I read this and almost fell off my chair.
Time Matters --
Another blog that I stumbled on. I like it because its insightful, and down to earth at the same time. I have posted on some of the more interesting topics, causing a sexist war because I claim that women control men via sex, and that married people are inheriently unhappy.
Does anybody read this? I am kinda bummed I never get any comments.
I have tendancy to believe them. I am feeling optimistic as of late, which is something new for me. Driving to work today I put my life into prospective, I had another friend dissappoint me again yesterday. I am getting tired of this. I guess I need to make better choices in friends. I really sound like the Dennis's when I say this but I really think the only person you can count on is yourself. Small minded red-neck voice checking in today apparently. YIKES... Driving to work this morning I also realized how small my car is. It seemed much bigger than before. All I can say is I love stick shift.
I want to leave town for the weekend. I miss Friday night movie night at the Uncles, and I miss Chicken Parm subs.
Why do people intentionally hurt people? I just dont get it.
In other news
Theres a couple of cool blogs I have tripped over, I was randoming surfing, and I came across them..
The Complainer --
I read this and almost fell off my chair.
Time Matters --
Another blog that I stumbled on. I like it because its insightful, and down to earth at the same time. I have posted on some of the more interesting topics, causing a sexist war because I claim that women control men via sex, and that married people are inheriently unhappy.
Does anybody read this? I am kinda bummed I never get any comments.
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
Time for some great thoughts.
I hate the thought of having resolutions but here goes:
1. I resolve that when someone hurts me that I will let them know instead of walking away. While emotionally it is much eaiser to cut someone out. The I think the trade of immediate pain is worth the long-term closure.
2. I am more open to opportunities to let things Go. If I cant control it let it go. Easier said than done.
3. I aspire actually live here, and not try to transfix myself in Tremont. Again eaiser said than done.
4. I am not going to put up these angery bitter posts. They do nothing except make me relive the hurt every time I read them.
5. I am going to accept love into my heart. Love for myself. love for others. and for once, take my own needs into account when I do something for others.
6. I want to be a less judgemental friend. I argue this point helplessly. when the people around you do stupid things I always support then lambast, I need to better @ support and drop the lambast.
7. Blog more. I feel much better after I write.
8. Take classes, this time for something I enjoy. Look out SC! Hopefully I will have a partner in crime to play off of.
9. Realize that when someone hurts you they are really hurting themselves. Allowing someone to shape their own destiny.... shouldnt be my concern.
10. Spend time talking about something more meaningful with people, Talk more about ideas than the people and how those ideas shape reality.
11. Visit home more often. Apreciate simplicity. embrace my future and because when I look behind me. I am already further than I thought I could be.
I hate the thought of having resolutions but here goes:
1. I resolve that when someone hurts me that I will let them know instead of walking away. While emotionally it is much eaiser to cut someone out. The I think the trade of immediate pain is worth the long-term closure.
2. I am more open to opportunities to let things Go. If I cant control it let it go. Easier said than done.
3. I aspire actually live here, and not try to transfix myself in Tremont. Again eaiser said than done.
4. I am not going to put up these angery bitter posts. They do nothing except make me relive the hurt every time I read them.
5. I am going to accept love into my heart. Love for myself. love for others. and for once, take my own needs into account when I do something for others.
6. I want to be a less judgemental friend. I argue this point helplessly. when the people around you do stupid things I always support then lambast, I need to better @ support and drop the lambast.
7. Blog more. I feel much better after I write.
8. Take classes, this time for something I enjoy. Look out SC! Hopefully I will have a partner in crime to play off of.
9. Realize that when someone hurts you they are really hurting themselves. Allowing someone to shape their own destiny.... shouldnt be my concern.
10. Spend time talking about something more meaningful with people, Talk more about ideas than the people and how those ideas shape reality.
11. Visit home more often. Apreciate simplicity. embrace my future and because when I look behind me. I am already further than I thought I could be.
Sunday, January 09, 2005
It's time for your coming out party, Pisces. Please schedule this tenderly shocking passage for sometime in the next three weeks: your emergence from the shadows, your escape from the past, your repudiation of volunteer slavery, your graduation from the amateur ranks, or your liberation from a persona that doesn't suit you any more. Do it with a sly and artful ritual of transgression or do it with an exuberant burst of joyful release, but do it. The future is calling you too loudly to resist any longer.
ripped from freewill astrology... I think this is too funny. Its 330a and I am reading my horoscope... I got your message kimmie! Thanks for the cool link to these really thoughtful horoscopes! I thnk the exclaimation point is highly under used!!!!!
See!
Oh SIGI!
~~~the following for was TAGALOG for OH MAN!
ripped from freewill astrology... I think this is too funny. Its 330a and I am reading my horoscope... I got your message kimmie! Thanks for the cool link to these really thoughtful horoscopes! I thnk the exclaimation point is highly under used!!!!!
See!
Oh SIGI!
~~~the following for was TAGALOG for OH MAN!
Saturday, January 08, 2005
Wow two post such little time.
I cant sleep. This is a first. usually I am so tired my head hits the pillow and I am out. New DVD carousel makes late night movies easier to watch. Choked down two days after last week.. or for you normal people The day after tomarrow. Yikes. The first time I saw I can remeber rooting for the storm.. Actually We did. It was kinda distrubing because One of the Scottish Scientist was also the campaign manager in Primary Colors. Another on my filler movie list, In the DVD realm I found it necessary to buy another addition to my rack... Bringing the total discs upto 158... Not bad for one year... but when you buy them 3 at a crack... What can I say. but YIKES!
Enough of that shit. I say. I wanted to post something happy and there is something. This holiday season came and went I am glad to still be here, While I would rather be in Tremont. It clear whatever is keeping me here has a while longer to cook. I sometimes think Dear ole mum is not the only one I have to support. Its like I go away for a week and reason who really misses me. Not that I am all that important but its good to have a bit of the george bailey thing going on once in a while. It 33oam and because of the foot of snow that fell here, Its as bright as 630am. Which is fucking up sleep shedule I think. either that its all the caffiene I had right before bed... Fuck that... I am not so old that I have to lay off the caffiene more like I just need to take more tylenol pm... or as I have grown to know it benadryl. What to do next... I wonder this weekend is starting to fizzle already. Damnit... I need a weekend of excess. Lots of excess. I so wanted to hang out with Kimmmieeee this weekend, actually holiday week and that never quite materialized. I was really quite touched when I was reading other blogs and noticed that she has a link fo r this page on hers... That made me laugh... I thought this space for for my own tortured soul and have nobody else read it... ITs not like this crap is any good. Its stream of consciencousness thought that means nothing in the grandious scheme of life its more like kindergarten sand box play. I mean I have read her stuff, as well a her friends and to be counted among some more polished well read people suprises me. When I am feeling truly lost I dig up some blue and read about the immortal candle party. and the several bottle of Merlot that were prescribed to Kill the pain. Wow that seems so long ago, and I think how different I am now yet I am still the same in many ways.
Refering to my last post, I have to think that there is something I would never be and that is well read. Not that that is a bad thing I just wish the clutter in my head would straighten itself up as if I could make room to move my files where they need to be. Reading is too much of an orderly discipline. Discipline I see to have in short supply. I was giving serious thought about becoming a writer full time. I think comedy is where I need to be. Or least in radio. I have to do something about this. I had an ephinay (spelling sucks here get used to It) and I decided I could be as funny as any of these hacks in Chicago Radio. I am waay funnier than MANCOW, and well Howard Stern was be retiring soon, I think I could carry that torch... Its just to figure out how 2 get2 there from here. My one link to radio was broken six years ago, I dont think I want to repair it.
I think I need to develop an act... and try an open mic night. I think after I relocate, I am going to have to go take classes at 2nd city. After all if the self involved bitchy Head Case Angela can have her own production company, and star in her own show, then well. So can I, I have much more talent that her, and I just need an outlet this energy, my talents are being wasted, and I feel like I need to do something. An Actor? maybe prolly not though, I loved improv. I unlocked my "tortured" soul into and let my mind run free. Yeah I think thats it... writer, poet, artistian.
Poor GTP... thought he was doing a good job of things. Caught him in another lie... I wonder if he will ever tell me about Him and the Cum Receptacle. I just sent him an Im... this is hunch that must play out. Yikes. I guess I have to know when its over... My head is swimiing... The best thing that Ever happened to me was meeting Joe Martinet. He was a pivot person in my life. without him I would not know many people... too bad his just a distant memory
I cant sleep. This is a first. usually I am so tired my head hits the pillow and I am out. New DVD carousel makes late night movies easier to watch. Choked down two days after last week.. or for you normal people The day after tomarrow. Yikes. The first time I saw I can remeber rooting for the storm.. Actually We did. It was kinda distrubing because One of the Scottish Scientist was also the campaign manager in Primary Colors. Another on my filler movie list, In the DVD realm I found it necessary to buy another addition to my rack... Bringing the total discs upto 158... Not bad for one year... but when you buy them 3 at a crack... What can I say. but YIKES!
Enough of that shit. I say. I wanted to post something happy and there is something. This holiday season came and went I am glad to still be here, While I would rather be in Tremont. It clear whatever is keeping me here has a while longer to cook. I sometimes think Dear ole mum is not the only one I have to support. Its like I go away for a week and reason who really misses me. Not that I am all that important but its good to have a bit of the george bailey thing going on once in a while. It 33oam and because of the foot of snow that fell here, Its as bright as 630am. Which is fucking up sleep shedule I think. either that its all the caffiene I had right before bed... Fuck that... I am not so old that I have to lay off the caffiene more like I just need to take more tylenol pm... or as I have grown to know it benadryl. What to do next... I wonder this weekend is starting to fizzle already. Damnit... I need a weekend of excess. Lots of excess. I so wanted to hang out with Kimmmieeee this weekend, actually holiday week and that never quite materialized. I was really quite touched when I was reading other blogs and noticed that she has a link fo r this page on hers... That made me laugh... I thought this space for for my own tortured soul and have nobody else read it... ITs not like this crap is any good. Its stream of consciencousness thought that means nothing in the grandious scheme of life its more like kindergarten sand box play. I mean I have read her stuff, as well a her friends and to be counted among some more polished well read people suprises me. When I am feeling truly lost I dig up some blue and read about the immortal candle party. and the several bottle of Merlot that were prescribed to Kill the pain. Wow that seems so long ago, and I think how different I am now yet I am still the same in many ways.
Refering to my last post, I have to think that there is something I would never be and that is well read. Not that that is a bad thing I just wish the clutter in my head would straighten itself up as if I could make room to move my files where they need to be. Reading is too much of an orderly discipline. Discipline I see to have in short supply. I was giving serious thought about becoming a writer full time. I think comedy is where I need to be. Or least in radio. I have to do something about this. I had an ephinay (spelling sucks here get used to It) and I decided I could be as funny as any of these hacks in Chicago Radio. I am waay funnier than MANCOW, and well Howard Stern was be retiring soon, I think I could carry that torch... Its just to figure out how 2 get2 there from here. My one link to radio was broken six years ago, I dont think I want to repair it.
I think I need to develop an act... and try an open mic night. I think after I relocate, I am going to have to go take classes at 2nd city. After all if the self involved bitchy Head Case Angela can have her own production company, and star in her own show, then well. So can I, I have much more talent that her, and I just need an outlet this energy, my talents are being wasted, and I feel like I need to do something. An Actor? maybe prolly not though, I loved improv. I unlocked my "tortured" soul into and let my mind run free. Yeah I think thats it... writer, poet, artistian.
Poor GTP... thought he was doing a good job of things. Caught him in another lie... I wonder if he will ever tell me about Him and the Cum Receptacle. I just sent him an Im... this is hunch that must play out. Yikes. I guess I have to know when its over... My head is swimiing... The best thing that Ever happened to me was meeting Joe Martinet. He was a pivot person in my life. without him I would not know many people... too bad his just a distant memory
Thursday, January 06, 2005
You would think I could manager to post more than I do.... But here goes... After not speaking to my mother for a record of almost 2 months. I had to break radio silence because we were All in Tremont for Christmas. What a mess that was. It didnt feel like Christmas and I drove myself.(I wouldnt want it any other way) and I arrived late on Christmas Eve.
I managed to find a Kmart about an hour from MY HOUSE. Yes I say MY HOUSE because my whiny older brother get offended when I make this declaration like this because he somehow thinks that he is in control, but I digress and thats a story for another post, (or this one depending on time and space allowed.) Anyway I stopped at Kmart to pickup a gift bag and a poker set because I enjoy playing Texas Holdem... I know kinda cliche and I knew on some level the fact we were playing cards in my grandparents old home would get in Patsy's Craw... Talk about back pedeling on her part... she didnt know what to think. But anyway...
I neglected to mention that CD/MP3 player went out in my Saturn so at a gas stop in OHIO, I lost the audio book I was listening too.. and before all your literary types... *Digger Blue* lodge any formal complaints about my strict policy that READING is for losers. I need to explain myself... the drive home always consists of some book, new or old, fantasy fiction, horror something to make that waste of state of Ohio seem like is just like driving up the block instead of an inquisistion or Insurance seminar. Anyway, I purchased this Book, Devil in the White City because the Author was on a talk show I listen to quite frequently, I thought the idea of making a non-fiction book readable and enjoyable intrigued me. The synopsis of the book took the happenings of Chicago and the Columbian Exposistion and linked to the infamous H.H. Holmes... One of the first serial killers... Anyway that digression aside, I set a new record home, that being 10.5 hours. My best to date.
When I finally got back home It was once again good to step through the doors of the place I consider to be home. A bit of a control freak I realized that things I had spent many months arranging were moved, and place in nonsensitcal places. Before I go any furthur I should mention that I was sworn to keep my mouth shut and not start any conflicts. That being said I was welcomed to a spread of food which at best was nasty, and when I went to the fridge it was packed with items that were barely eatable at best. There would be no BBQ meatballs this xmas, just nasty game, and the normal gauntlet that my brother makes us run every year of fish that nobody really wants to eat, but do so as not to offend him. But again a post of his shananagains may have to come later.
My nuclear(Ha Ha HA what a bushism) family was less than thrilled to see me. However my aunts and uncles were so glad that I had returned home. Tremont was so charged with goodness and positive energy and It was apparent that both Patsy and My brother were doing all they could to stop that, I appreciate the fact I always have a plan B. Life is too short and my weeks dont come very often so it became a competition. I guess this is where we pickup the whiniess that is My brother or Sassypants as he as come to know. Naa This post was supposed to be fun. So lets make it that
I suprised my favorite uncle with a new dvd burner. The look of joy in his face when I gave it to him made christmas. It returned his computer back to being his favorite thing in the world. and I think he showed his appreciate more in the action of burning almost 55 movies in the four days I was home so he could use it. Inadventantaly by doing this I angered my brother because I didnt tell him or my mom I was doing this. Shitty I know. but for once I wanted to show my appreciation of the support he offered to me while I lived there. I was even able to order a movie for my aunt who give this really thoughtful gifts but they always seems to be forgotten at her birthday and holidays. So I gave her that and it should arrive soon.
In the week between Xmas and Newyears I ate more than my share of Gas station food. This sounds gross but in reality it was quite good. A chain of Stations in the East Called Sheetz have a MTO kitchen (Made to Order) in which you input your order into a flat panel display. with pics... Its like a kintergardeners' wet dream... sasifies one of a persons greatest needs, HUNGER. and they are 24/7 PA is the land of subs... The greatest is the Chicken Parm from Dimaggios... Best yet they deliver nine miles away to my front door... There was a pizza incident, A battle and the war was decided on that day, but fortunately we dont need to discuss that here. I got my directv debacle sorted out, and it turned out to be faulty hardware. lots of faulty hardware. That being said I got my dose of TLC and I was a happy camper.
I taught my aunt... from here on out "The Card Shark" or "bookie" how to play poker. She kicked my ass as usual. My goal is one day to be in Vegas with her. I think we would make a killing. The whole time my mom sat and commented(those of you who know her, know that she is a pain in the ass) How my grandfather would dissaprove of playing cards in his house. Then quickly retracted when she realized that nobody bought into the same notion. It was amazing how quickly one could get sucked into mind games to slow up the week.
Its time for brown talk. I was able to shit in front of the window looking up at the mountain again, a cool december breeze made me feel so free again... and my spirit was finally quiet after 8 month of restlessness. I dont know what was more pleasurable... the contorted looks my brother or mother would give when I spoke as when I move back as opposed to if I move back... and the quiet whispers to my other aunt of how She doenst get why I would want to return there because "there is nothing here" BAAAA humbug I say. My heart knows where I am happy and that it is where and why it is. again a post for another time.
My trip back was enthralling. Good conversations. Good music. Good Tears over a lost love, (not mine) and the ponderous question of how many times must a heart break?
I managed to find a Kmart about an hour from MY HOUSE. Yes I say MY HOUSE because my whiny older brother get offended when I make this declaration like this because he somehow thinks that he is in control, but I digress and thats a story for another post, (or this one depending on time and space allowed.) Anyway I stopped at Kmart to pickup a gift bag and a poker set because I enjoy playing Texas Holdem... I know kinda cliche and I knew on some level the fact we were playing cards in my grandparents old home would get in Patsy's Craw... Talk about back pedeling on her part... she didnt know what to think. But anyway...
I neglected to mention that CD/MP3 player went out in my Saturn so at a gas stop in OHIO, I lost the audio book I was listening too.. and before all your literary types... *Digger Blue* lodge any formal complaints about my strict policy that READING is for losers. I need to explain myself... the drive home always consists of some book, new or old, fantasy fiction, horror something to make that waste of state of Ohio seem like is just like driving up the block instead of an inquisistion or Insurance seminar. Anyway, I purchased this Book, Devil in the White City because the Author was on a talk show I listen to quite frequently, I thought the idea of making a non-fiction book readable and enjoyable intrigued me. The synopsis of the book took the happenings of Chicago and the Columbian Exposistion and linked to the infamous H.H. Holmes... One of the first serial killers... Anyway that digression aside, I set a new record home, that being 10.5 hours. My best to date.
When I finally got back home It was once again good to step through the doors of the place I consider to be home. A bit of a control freak I realized that things I had spent many months arranging were moved, and place in nonsensitcal places. Before I go any furthur I should mention that I was sworn to keep my mouth shut and not start any conflicts. That being said I was welcomed to a spread of food which at best was nasty, and when I went to the fridge it was packed with items that were barely eatable at best. There would be no BBQ meatballs this xmas, just nasty game, and the normal gauntlet that my brother makes us run every year of fish that nobody really wants to eat, but do so as not to offend him. But again a post of his shananagains may have to come later.
My nuclear(Ha Ha HA what a bushism) family was less than thrilled to see me. However my aunts and uncles were so glad that I had returned home. Tremont was so charged with goodness and positive energy and It was apparent that both Patsy and My brother were doing all they could to stop that, I appreciate the fact I always have a plan B. Life is too short and my weeks dont come very often so it became a competition. I guess this is where we pickup the whiniess that is My brother or Sassypants as he as come to know. Naa This post was supposed to be fun. So lets make it that
I suprised my favorite uncle with a new dvd burner. The look of joy in his face when I gave it to him made christmas. It returned his computer back to being his favorite thing in the world. and I think he showed his appreciate more in the action of burning almost 55 movies in the four days I was home so he could use it. Inadventantaly by doing this I angered my brother because I didnt tell him or my mom I was doing this. Shitty I know. but for once I wanted to show my appreciation of the support he offered to me while I lived there. I was even able to order a movie for my aunt who give this really thoughtful gifts but they always seems to be forgotten at her birthday and holidays. So I gave her that and it should arrive soon.
In the week between Xmas and Newyears I ate more than my share of Gas station food. This sounds gross but in reality it was quite good. A chain of Stations in the East Called Sheetz have a MTO kitchen (Made to Order) in which you input your order into a flat panel display. with pics... Its like a kintergardeners' wet dream... sasifies one of a persons greatest needs, HUNGER. and they are 24/7 PA is the land of subs... The greatest is the Chicken Parm from Dimaggios... Best yet they deliver nine miles away to my front door... There was a pizza incident, A battle and the war was decided on that day, but fortunately we dont need to discuss that here. I got my directv debacle sorted out, and it turned out to be faulty hardware. lots of faulty hardware. That being said I got my dose of TLC and I was a happy camper.
I taught my aunt... from here on out "The Card Shark" or "bookie" how to play poker. She kicked my ass as usual. My goal is one day to be in Vegas with her. I think we would make a killing. The whole time my mom sat and commented(those of you who know her, know that she is a pain in the ass) How my grandfather would dissaprove of playing cards in his house. Then quickly retracted when she realized that nobody bought into the same notion. It was amazing how quickly one could get sucked into mind games to slow up the week.
Its time for brown talk. I was able to shit in front of the window looking up at the mountain again, a cool december breeze made me feel so free again... and my spirit was finally quiet after 8 month of restlessness. I dont know what was more pleasurable... the contorted looks my brother or mother would give when I spoke as when I move back as opposed to if I move back... and the quiet whispers to my other aunt of how She doenst get why I would want to return there because "there is nothing here" BAAAA humbug I say. My heart knows where I am happy and that it is where and why it is. again a post for another time.
My trip back was enthralling. Good conversations. Good music. Good Tears over a lost love, (not mine) and the ponderous question of how many times must a heart break?
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
I am considering a new posistion on life, or least how I came to move through it. I sometimes feel that life is nothing more than this black soup that our good thoughts, our love and our happiness irradicate leaving the peaceful hope of something new and pure to come. Tonight for instance, I know dark forces shall be at work here, I have confront the cast of demons from my past yet I know that I am going to be victorious I have no other choice, or at least the choice I am left with is that of giving in to this black soup. A long time ago, I wrote about dylan thomas, and the rage against the dying of the light. I now live those words. I have been all but consumed by this place, and I know it, I have a couple of people that keep me from jumping into the abyss and I have others that push into that abyss, you have to love balance and harmony. Two concepts I wish I could experience on a molecular level. All is not right here, and I am tired of the accusation that it is my fault. Do me the favor and take owneer ship for you existence or lack thereof... You can dip your hand into the inky blackness of my soul, but I guarantee that it will irradate life and peace and love, even though I am capable of feeling it, I can pass it along.
Thursday, November 18, 2004
I have gone to the river alameda.
I have ran with my back against the sun.
I walked through the desert as my brain
could only remember you.
When the rain came. I look up and
I saw your face
between the raindrops.. I saw you
Your tears, Your dreams.
and I let you down,
again.
As the lightening echoes in my heart
the life begins to run down my wrist, and into the sand.
I look up at the sky
and your gone.
and all that is left is the echo of your heart,
beating against chance
taking a chance on beating.
and I just fade away...
I have ran with my back against the sun.
I walked through the desert as my brain
could only remember you.
When the rain came. I look up and
I saw your face
between the raindrops.. I saw you
Your tears, Your dreams.
and I let you down,
again.
As the lightening echoes in my heart
the life begins to run down my wrist, and into the sand.
I look up at the sky
and your gone.
and all that is left is the echo of your heart,
beating against chance
taking a chance on beating.
and I just fade away...
Sunday, November 07, 2004
Wells its time to update this life, Enough complaining. A cancer survivor tonight told some really important words of adivse: The sun will Come up tomarrow." a Whoa, what a monuementally simple credo in which to operate within life. I talked to a someone else that I have been meaning to talk to for a while, and I helped someone climb on the South Beach train. she shared her art with me, I shared what simple things I could with her. I may have found an answer to a ten year old problem. and this feels good. Very good. The saturn will be retired soon, and I will be enjoying my new auto. Rock bottom has come and gone but guess what I am still here.
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
Saturday, October 30, 2004
Its amazing to me how easily it is to hang one's hopes, dreams and aspirations on one pivitol point in person life. Maybe its my picean dreamyness that causes this, but I thought I had finally broken free of this earthly bond. The landscape has changed so much in the last 365 days. In looking back it wasnt wasnt that all bad. I did some really important discovery about myself. Discarded those things that no longer were important and welcomed in those things that had become very important. I woke up this morning with the tagline of this post in my head. I am nevcr really quite sure where the rest of this post takes me. Things I know now is are very important that I was too foolish to see last year. From Oct. to Oct my life is nowhere where I thought it would be. So much for the story book ending. Cliches have never been my style anyway. The longer I am here, The longer I know I dont belong here, I found where I want to be although I am where I need to be. for now. It seems the shroud of indifference has fallen and this temporary situation will lead to life, ending the way it needs to. I just wished the one lied that was told last year wouldnt have been for NOW I have to pay for it. Until til you do right be me, nothing you will ever do will be successful.
Thursday, October 21, 2004
Time for a new post....
A lot has happened since the last entry. A couple of really great weekends, and a lot of good stories. Where to begin, First Off. The pin cushion O panduit, succeed to effect my life again almost one year to the day we parted company by being a LIAR. Not paying phone Bills even though you said you would is a Moral Crime, Enjoy it. Wow, the script is almost complete... Freeload off someone, Use them, lie to them and discard? How long is the cycle? of course in this incarnation I bet it will be a bit longer, A much larger bank account is involved here. and we all know what that means. I leearned something really profound. Never trust a liar. and after all Liars never earn trust. All the writing on wall showed me this but I ignored. I often wonder how low your self-esteem was to blow both Greco and Jay in the Back of that car that night? At the very least you prolly convinced two boys on the fence that its much better to play for the same team. Any dirt you have on me is non-existent. A test set up to see how much I could trust you and you failed miserably. How many ways can you say LIAR o pincushion of panduit? Mmmmm... that felt good.
I would say nothing about this, but I thought you should probably know, your kharma is got to be bottoming out. By the way were you ever able to address your electra complex? Daddy's little girl?
I find it fitting to write this post one year after the break up. By this point I have estimated you have had cheated on my for a least a month.
May everything you have every done to anyone come back and haunt you. You have lied your way to where you are only for you to find.. your going to be one that fails in the end.
Enjoy breakfast at the house? I was there... and you didnt see me. HA!
still sitting around the coffee house talking about success, why not try doing instead of talking.
Here o well read one, I have a quote for you..... Until you do right by me.... everything you think of will fail.... Everything... No thought, no action nothing. I love that quote.
And for something completly different... Blah Blah Blah and Pincushion o Panduit. Fuck OFFF!
A lot has happened since the last entry. A couple of really great weekends, and a lot of good stories. Where to begin, First Off. The pin cushion O panduit, succeed to effect my life again almost one year to the day we parted company by being a LIAR. Not paying phone Bills even though you said you would is a Moral Crime, Enjoy it. Wow, the script is almost complete... Freeload off someone, Use them, lie to them and discard? How long is the cycle? of course in this incarnation I bet it will be a bit longer, A much larger bank account is involved here. and we all know what that means. I leearned something really profound. Never trust a liar. and after all Liars never earn trust. All the writing on wall showed me this but I ignored. I often wonder how low your self-esteem was to blow both Greco and Jay in the Back of that car that night? At the very least you prolly convinced two boys on the fence that its much better to play for the same team. Any dirt you have on me is non-existent. A test set up to see how much I could trust you and you failed miserably. How many ways can you say LIAR o pincushion of panduit? Mmmmm... that felt good.
I would say nothing about this, but I thought you should probably know, your kharma is got to be bottoming out. By the way were you ever able to address your electra complex? Daddy's little girl?
I find it fitting to write this post one year after the break up. By this point I have estimated you have had cheated on my for a least a month.
May everything you have every done to anyone come back and haunt you. You have lied your way to where you are only for you to find.. your going to be one that fails in the end.
Enjoy breakfast at the house? I was there... and you didnt see me. HA!
still sitting around the coffee house talking about success, why not try doing instead of talking.
Here o well read one, I have a quote for you..... Until you do right by me.... everything you think of will fail.... Everything... No thought, no action nothing. I love that quote.
And for something completly different... Blah Blah Blah and Pincushion o Panduit. Fuck OFFF!
Time for a new post....
A lot has happened since the last entry. A couple of really great weekends, and a lot of good stories. Where to begin, First Off. The pin cushion O panduit, succeed to effect my life again almost one year to the day we parted company by being a LIAR. Not paying phone Bills even though you said you would is a Moral Crime, Enjoy it. Wow, the script is almost complete... Freeload off someone, Use them, lie to them and discard? How long is the cycle? of course in this incarnation I bet it will be a bit longer, A much larger bank account is involved here. and we all know what that means. I leearned something really profound. Never trust a liar. and after all Liars never earn trust. All the writing on wall showed me this but I ignored. I often wonder how low your self-esteem was to blow both Greco and Jay in the Back of that car that night? At the very least you prolly convinced two boys on the fence that its much better to play for the same team. Any dirt you have on me is non-existent. A test set up to see how much I could trust you and you failed miserably. How many ways can you say LIAR o pincushion of panduit? Mmmmm... that felt good.
I would say nothing about this, but I thought you should probably know, your kharma is got to be bottoming out. By the way were you ever able to address your electra complex? Daddy's little girl?
I find it fitting to write this post one year after the break up. By this point I have estimated you have had cheated on my for a least a month.
May everything you have every done to anyone come back and haunt you. You have lied your way to where you are only for you to find.. your going to be one that fails in the end.
Enjoy breakfast at the house? I was there... and you didnt see me. HA!
still sitting around the coffee house talking about success, why not try doing instead of talking.
Here o well read one, I have a quote for you..... Until you do right by me.... everything you think of will fail.... Everything... No thought, no action nothing. I love that quote.
And for something completly different... Blah Blah Blah and Pincushion o Panduit. Fuck OFFF!
A lot has happened since the last entry. A couple of really great weekends, and a lot of good stories. Where to begin, First Off. The pin cushion O panduit, succeed to effect my life again almost one year to the day we parted company by being a LIAR. Not paying phone Bills even though you said you would is a Moral Crime, Enjoy it. Wow, the script is almost complete... Freeload off someone, Use them, lie to them and discard? How long is the cycle? of course in this incarnation I bet it will be a bit longer, A much larger bank account is involved here. and we all know what that means. I leearned something really profound. Never trust a liar. and after all Liars never earn trust. All the writing on wall showed me this but I ignored. I often wonder how low your self-esteem was to blow both Greco and Jay in the Back of that car that night? At the very least you prolly convinced two boys on the fence that its much better to play for the same team. Any dirt you have on me is non-existent. A test set up to see how much I could trust you and you failed miserably. How many ways can you say LIAR o pincushion of panduit? Mmmmm... that felt good.
I would say nothing about this, but I thought you should probably know, your kharma is got to be bottoming out. By the way were you ever able to address your electra complex? Daddy's little girl?
I find it fitting to write this post one year after the break up. By this point I have estimated you have had cheated on my for a least a month.
May everything you have every done to anyone come back and haunt you. You have lied your way to where you are only for you to find.. your going to be one that fails in the end.
Enjoy breakfast at the house? I was there... and you didnt see me. HA!
still sitting around the coffee house talking about success, why not try doing instead of talking.
Here o well read one, I have a quote for you..... Until you do right by me.... everything you think of will fail.... Everything... No thought, no action nothing. I love that quote.
And for something completly different... Blah Blah Blah and Pincushion o Panduit. Fuck OFFF!
Time for a new post....
A lot has happened since the last entry. A couple of really great weekends, and a lot of good stories. Where to begin, First Off. The pin cushion O panduit, succeed to effect my life again almost one year to the day we parted company by being a LIAR. Not paying phone Bills even though you said you would is a Moral Crime, Enjoy it. Wow, the script is almost complete... Freeload off someone, Use them, lie to them and discard? How long is the cycle? of course in this incarnation I bet it will be a bit longer, A much larger bank account is involved here. and we all know what that means. I leearned something really profound. Never trust a liar. and after all Liars never earn trust. All the writing on wall showed me this but I ignored. I often wonder how low your self-esteem was to blow both Greco and Jay in the Back of that car that night? At the very least you prolly convinced two boys on the fence that its much better to play for the same team. Any dirt you have on me is non-existent. A test set up to see how much I could trust you and you failed miserably. How many ways can you say LIAR o pincushion of panduit? Mmmmm... that felt good.
I would say nothing about this, but I thought you should probably know, your kharma is got to be bottoming out. By the way were you ever able to address your electra complex? Daddy's little girl?
I find it fitting to write this post one year after the break up. By this point I have estimated you have had cheated on my for a least a month.
May everything you have every done to anyone come back and haunt you. You have lied your way to where you are only for you to find.. your going to be one that fails in the end.
Enjoy breakfast at the house? I was there... and you didnt see me. HA!
still sitting around the coffee house talking about success, why not try doing instead of talking.
Here o well read one, I have a quote for you..... Until you do right by me.... everything you think of will fail.... Everything... No thought, no action nothing. I love that quote.
And for something completly different... Blah Blah Blah and Pincushion o Panduit. Fuck OFFF!
A lot has happened since the last entry. A couple of really great weekends, and a lot of good stories. Where to begin, First Off. The pin cushion O panduit, succeed to effect my life again almost one year to the day we parted company by being a LIAR. Not paying phone Bills even though you said you would is a Moral Crime, Enjoy it. Wow, the script is almost complete... Freeload off someone, Use them, lie to them and discard? How long is the cycle? of course in this incarnation I bet it will be a bit longer, A much larger bank account is involved here. and we all know what that means. I leearned something really profound. Never trust a liar. and after all Liars never earn trust. All the writing on wall showed me this but I ignored. I often wonder how low your self-esteem was to blow both Greco and Jay in the Back of that car that night? At the very least you prolly convinced two boys on the fence that its much better to play for the same team. Any dirt you have on me is non-existent. A test set up to see how much I could trust you and you failed miserably. How many ways can you say LIAR o pincushion of panduit? Mmmmm... that felt good.
I would say nothing about this, but I thought you should probably know, your kharma is got to be bottoming out. By the way were you ever able to address your electra complex? Daddy's little girl?
I find it fitting to write this post one year after the break up. By this point I have estimated you have had cheated on my for a least a month.
May everything you have every done to anyone come back and haunt you. You have lied your way to where you are only for you to find.. your going to be one that fails in the end.
Enjoy breakfast at the house? I was there... and you didnt see me. HA!
still sitting around the coffee house talking about success, why not try doing instead of talking.
Here o well read one, I have a quote for you..... Until you do right by me.... everything you think of will fail.... Everything... No thought, no action nothing. I love that quote.
And for something completly different... Blah Blah Blah and Pincushion o Panduit. Fuck OFFF!
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
I was a mess today, I hadnt shaved in almost two weeks and I was starting to look like a homeless person. I decided to take a shower and see if the headache that was plaging me all day would subside. Somewhere in the trance I put myself in as water battered against my sore back, I got lost in a a feeling, The feeling of being soo cold that my palms where numb, my teeth chattered and It felt as if my life was ebbing away from me.... A bit scary at first but I found myself willing to give myself over in peace. and I could remember the only thing I could do was stand in the shower in Tremont. It was a cold winter night, and I was tired from lack of movement. The more hot water that hit my skin the more feeling left my body. Soon, my feet felt the same tingling of my palms... I thought for sure this was it. The only thing that gave my comfort that night was to huddle up against the heater, and tune into some sattelite radio. I am sad miserable and upset. I have made the wrong decision and now I have to make it right. I did make some right decisions though, and some I dont think I am going to crawl back to . 1. Good Decision:Letting go of the Shaved APE. it was obvious you couldnt handle me, and It was obvious that you couldnt be trusted... or should we ask Greco and Jason O pincushion of Panduit... At least you figured out to marry for money. At least that will quench one of your appetites. 2 Bad Decision: Allowing Blah Blah back in. She burned the bridge yet allowed her to cross, and tried to burn it again. Back Stabber who has no Morals, and its unequivocally devoid of any human emotion. 3.Good Decision Taking the time to figure out what I dont want, and deciding on what I do, even though my plans are delayed, I still have my eyes on the prize.4. Bad Decision letting blah blah squander my last week in Tremont and being sucked into the Rouse of having to wait on her hand and foot.5. Good Decision Trusting someone enough to share some of the war stories, and Trusting enough to know that any good Friendship basis after trust and respect, is reciprocation, Reciprocity, is good thing, It keeps your prospective, to know that we are all floating out here together, and sometimes we need to help each other bail out their boat. 6. Bad Decision Taking a job that I knew I would hate. Selling out. Becoming what I feared I always would be, Fighting the PC river like a salmon trying to make it up river to SPAWN, and DIE, 7. Good Decision Buying a DVD player, Now I can really do have movies on demand.8 Bad Decision allowing myself to get sucked into the the torturoous torment of Blah Blah and her mutilation....Heres an answer to your question about your personality or you looks.... Its neither, Its the fact that you back stabbed someone now and YOU cant Take it back... in fact I know He would rather have TURKEY again. 9. Good decsion Making a conscience not to reward bad behavior. I think the quote that sums this up most beautifully, she vibed towards me, and The second I felt it I felt the knife twist deeper into my back. His words not mine, and in fact more elloquent that mine could have ever on the subject. The coolest part is, Blah Blah will continue to blame the easiest to blame in these situations, once I am gone for long enough whom will be at fault? 10. Bad Decision Not ending it when I should have.... For what I speak of, You already know.
Sunday, September 19, 2004
A friend wrote a poem about her life, It was very powerful the parallelism that exists between us. The words that shattered through the monatony of my day and broke my back like the load I have been baring since the begining of time or at least thats what it felt like. This poem was mighty powerful. The personal value that I had assigned this poem can not even begin t be shown with words. The imagery alone torn my flesch like a weathered rusty dagger in a rainstorm. Tearing into me and leaving with a burning feeling where I know even when I heal that I will never quite be the same. Its wierd, and I almost feel strange sometiimes with the level of similarity between us. I can start a thought and it get completed or the same path has been traveled leading to answer. I was recently likened to be being here student, I think it a mutual thing. Neither one of us could really admit it though, that was would be out of character. I decided from the first exchange of deep and personal thought I decided I would not pretend that I would not put her on a pedestal and make an offering to her. Because I too have been placed there and it is cold and lonely place. Instead I decided early on, that I wanted to exchange support, maybe this act is self serving on some level, because I am only accepting after giving making it okay to support. Wow that was a convaluded thought isnt it?
I miss Tremont. Much like Patton I will return. At least I will be free.
Time is the great equalizer.
My clock has stopped
I cannot breathe.
I dream of you
You forgot about me.
My rope is frayed
The knot has come undo.
My hands are bloody
Bruised and Burned from the Sisal
I let the rope go.
I let Time stop.
I let myself go.
Will this pain, torment, torture
Ever stop?
I miss Tremont. Much like Patton I will return. At least I will be free.
Time is the great equalizer.
My clock has stopped
I cannot breathe.
I dream of you
You forgot about me.
My rope is frayed
The knot has come undo.
My hands are bloody
Bruised and Burned from the Sisal
I let the rope go.
I let Time stop.
I let myself go.
Will this pain, torment, torture
Ever stop?
Tuesday, September 14, 2004
Wow that last post isnt finished.... when will Kelly learn... apparently never. I am glad to learn that all friendships dont have to be disfunctional like our was. I got a swift kick in the head just today, in a really inadvertant way....
In trying to define the terms of this new friendship I am at a loss.. I am almost too scared to put words on this because it initself is undefinable. an unspoken bond that transcends and terestrail exlpaination. To the casual observer it may seem as if its a childish crush.. And that comment gave me a moment of pause. Is that how it was being perceived? That caused a bit of an internal fuckup. Its wierd. refer to the post that I want to carved on my stone. That is how I choose to live the rest of my life. A conversation about self loathing today smacked of such reality i found myself welling up inside with pain shared of this consciencous that we have seemed to tap. A beautifully bittersweet penning of the feelings that I feel everytime I stare into mirror in candle light. She has a tendancy to knock the wind right out of me.
I hope in the end this is more of a permanent arrangment.... If not I will enjoy the time I get to share with this truly special person. I personally feel as if the level of pararellism between us lends to only natural comradory... Its wierd though,
I watched the promise of the future glint in the candlelight as it
ran down wrist and pool up at the base of my feet.
I knelt down and drew my finger tips through the memories of what could have been and felt the inky blackness of what was fill my eyes and my heart all at once...
In trying to define the terms of this new friendship I am at a loss.. I am almost too scared to put words on this because it initself is undefinable. an unspoken bond that transcends and terestrail exlpaination. To the casual observer it may seem as if its a childish crush.. And that comment gave me a moment of pause. Is that how it was being perceived? That caused a bit of an internal fuckup. Its wierd. refer to the post that I want to carved on my stone. That is how I choose to live the rest of my life. A conversation about self loathing today smacked of such reality i found myself welling up inside with pain shared of this consciencous that we have seemed to tap. A beautifully bittersweet penning of the feelings that I feel everytime I stare into mirror in candle light. She has a tendancy to knock the wind right out of me.
I hope in the end this is more of a permanent arrangment.... If not I will enjoy the time I get to share with this truly special person. I personally feel as if the level of pararellism between us lends to only natural comradory... Its wierd though,
I watched the promise of the future glint in the candlelight as it
ran down wrist and pool up at the base of my feet.
I knelt down and drew my finger tips through the memories of what could have been and felt the inky blackness of what was fill my eyes and my heart all at once...
A blast of cold air and I was alone. watching the world as they moved on, without me... barely even recognizing I was there, except for maybe the teardrop stain of promises broken on the floor
Tuesday, August 31, 2004
Okay here in its entirerity the dialogue between Blah Blah and myself... because I choose not to reward negative behavior again....
I wrote this after being given an ultimatetum in regards to repairing Blah Blahs computer. After She resheduled with me... because it was more important to go out and chase after a "player" because she had been single longer than 2 months... and her current interest wasnt moving forward fast enough... I would change the names to protect the innocent but no body is innocent here. As an interesting footnote, when I approached blah blah and mention that I thought she was starting to spiral she decide the best course of action was to contact the Builder to try and stir shit up. Of course she didnt think it would get back to me and she continued to deny, deny, deny deny, all of it. She much like my cousin thinks the world around them is as stupid as they assume. Wrong answer... So I call her on her actions and warn her, something I would never do in the past, and OF course, we deny deny deny deny... and I am played a fool. The caldron started to boil. Blah Blah had learned NOTHING about the past and hadnt changed... she just was able to convince herself. which this is all discussed below in great detail... this foreword needed to be written because It helps glue the story together.
Heres the shot that start WW3:
I really dont think I deserve to be treated like your treating me. You are treating me like YOU are doing ME a favor by letting me fix your computer, When in reality it is quite the opposite. I do not like the way this makes me feel. and I really dont appreciate you emotion to manipulate me. I have bent over backwards to fix your computer on several occasions, and even when I change plans for you, its still good enough, I think you have gotten so comfortable with these actions, that is no longer appreciated its EXPECTED, I am equally at fault here because I continually reward negative behavior. To add insult to injury after I do change my plans and move my shedule around to accomedate you, I am treated with contempt being treated again as if that you are doing me a favor and not the opposite, to further rub salt in the wound, I get issused an ultimatum that if I dont fix it your going to call someone else. Which I am still not sure why this is threatening. I think its an attempt play on some insecurity, I am not sure. If doug can do a better job, then maybe he should. or he can get it done faster than I can Great, let him at it. To make one point perfectly crystal Any work on your computer I have done has because I wanted to, not because I had to to, but I did so willingly to help out a friend, and it appears that my help not only is not Good enough, but unappreciated as well.
You say that you have changed, and I want to believe that but when say one thing and act like this what I am supposed to believe.
She vollied this back less than 30 mins. later....
Scot
As far as me changing, I don't care whether you believe it or not. These
are my choices. Yes, I have discussed everything with Sue and Denise, just
as I am sure you discussed everything with Michele and please this is not
the time to lie, because as I said a few weeks ago there are two people in
my life that I trust completely and that is Sue and Denise. I do not feel
victimized however, what a shock...you do. As far as Bob and I are
concerned, when I asked him a few months ago if it was true that he
insinuated something happened between us he said "absolutely not" and I
believe him. Unlike you he has never lied to me or at least not that I can
prove. Actually I am very happy with the way my life is I am surrounding
myself with people I love and who love me. As far as will other guys cheat
on me, maybe maybe not but that will not keep me from dating and having a
life. You need to take your own advise about glass houses. You said how
crappy it was that Jim doesn't return phone calls, well neither do you.
Apparently you had received the voice mail on Sunday and wait I get to hear
your complaints on Tuesday. You never let anything go. You harbor all of
life's crap and keep dumping it on me. As with Ryan I told you STAY OUT OF
IT. I don't want you involved if anything that will make matters worse. I
am a big girl and can handle situations on my own. Also, you should know by
now that there is no me and Ryan thing. Once again we are FRIENDS. I don't
understand what is so hard to get about that. As far as you being a good
friend, if I don't contact you, you don't call me. When was the last
Wednesday night that we hung out. I notice that you don't want to meet with
me and Michele on Wednesday, just Michele. I really don't care because she
can definitely give you more support in certain areas then I can but, as we
were hanging out and then you just stopped, well that is pretty suspicious
as it all started happening around the time you didn't need me to drive,
that bothers me. You twist everything and I am tired of taking the brunt.
I have a lot of crap going on in my life that doesn't have to do with you,
Michele, Ryan or anything actually in the below e-mail. Sue and Denise know
what is happening just in case something happens but, I still have to deal
with it. So for you to be on your high horse right now well, it is not
really good for me. I have got more major issues then who has bruised
feelings because once again you need to read into things. I know you are
going to say well, why didn't you tell me stuff was going on??? Truth is
you haven't been around for me to tell. The reason I didn't have you over
Thursday is because, as with every Thursday the vote was to go out and have
fun and I am not leaving anyone in my apartment when I don't know when I
will be home because you would not be able to leave until I got back as you
would have the only key to get in. Which was a good thing because we didn't
get in until after 2am. As far as having an adult relationship I would have
loved to have had one but, you are not capable which you have made very
evident by not viewing me as an adult. I can not and will not deal with
this situation right now as there are more pressing matters at hand. I am
sorry if you find that insulting but, there are more important things then
playing the blame game and the you hurt my feelings so instead of talking to
you I will send you a belittling e-mail.
I really enjoy her choice in language.... pressing matters at hand... I love when unintellengent people try and post up with phrases they have heard adult use... and misuse them.... This is very much like Stiffler in American Wedding... I willing admit that it is my responsiblity, and I should have returned her phone call, However, I thought I should calm down and not write something that was soley emotionally based. So I delayed. As for using her... This amazes me. She did provide relief while I was automobileless in IL, However what she fails to recognize is that The day after we got back I started work full time and my time was consumed. I should mention that the reference to blowing her off comes after she was excluded to a weekly occurring dart game because she tried to take it over and pushed the people that I originally started the outing with out.... Thats right, I was drinking with Dave, and Steve on Wednesday at St. Charlies and Michele joined one week. They liked her, the next week she managed to put everyone on edge and make the event unfun... Not to mention the fact that she called up Michele and invited her to Go play darts with "Me and Scot" Ironic isnt it? So we started to exclude her because outings were unfun... and if you not having fun whats the point of having an outing? A trip to PA occured. I was expect to wait on someone hand and foot. and when I wasnt moving fast enough blah blah someone I was delaying our departure... I had good right to, I was lamented for a home I didnt want to leave, and since the entire drive was up to me.. I figured why not be overtired. Since... which here is the kicker Blah, Blah would not drive stick because she was "uncomfortable" driving it on the highway... To add to this, to ensure I could use the I am overtired bit she threw in sleeping with a headache the entire ride home... or just about.... Yes, I made her help clean the house. I dont leave 124 without it being spotless. I am guest there...
she wouldnt get that... I cant help but think this princess attitude was fosted by her parents, probably overcompensating for adopting her. The result of their folly is raising 2 daughters who are completely unprepared for the world and who are scared of their own shadows. This results in unhappy children and even more unhappy adults... Whom the only way to win a loosing arguement is to pull out the famed "HEALTH CARD" thats what she is alluding to here. its been a crutch for the past ten years whenever she is having a bad day.... I know cancer patients who have a better life outlook than she does. She thinks she is going to barren because of some deasease, This is where kharma rears its ugly head... All nastyness she has propegated against mankind because she didnt get what she wanted when she wanted. that is what is going to make her barren. Spoiled Brat is all I can say... I know those who throw stones in glass houses shouldnt. We also need to address her need to be the professional victim. Notice how she like to project victimization onto me.... hmmmm...
Theres more to be added here, like my response that will come later....
Interesting postscript to this conversation, though, blah blah had to resort to getting the person she wanted nothing more to do with to fix her computer. Bigger fish to fry read the next post..
I wrote this after being given an ultimatetum in regards to repairing Blah Blahs computer. After She resheduled with me... because it was more important to go out and chase after a "player" because she had been single longer than 2 months... and her current interest wasnt moving forward fast enough... I would change the names to protect the innocent but no body is innocent here. As an interesting footnote, when I approached blah blah and mention that I thought she was starting to spiral she decide the best course of action was to contact the Builder to try and stir shit up. Of course she didnt think it would get back to me and she continued to deny, deny, deny deny, all of it. She much like my cousin thinks the world around them is as stupid as they assume. Wrong answer... So I call her on her actions and warn her, something I would never do in the past, and OF course, we deny deny deny deny... and I am played a fool. The caldron started to boil. Blah Blah had learned NOTHING about the past and hadnt changed... she just was able to convince herself. which this is all discussed below in great detail... this foreword needed to be written because It helps glue the story together.
Heres the shot that start WW3:
I really dont think I deserve to be treated like your treating me. You are treating me like YOU are doing ME a favor by letting me fix your computer, When in reality it is quite the opposite. I do not like the way this makes me feel. and I really dont appreciate you emotion to manipulate me. I have bent over backwards to fix your computer on several occasions, and even when I change plans for you, its still good enough, I think you have gotten so comfortable with these actions, that is no longer appreciated its EXPECTED, I am equally at fault here because I continually reward negative behavior. To add insult to injury after I do change my plans and move my shedule around to accomedate you, I am treated with contempt being treated again as if that you are doing me a favor and not the opposite, to further rub salt in the wound, I get issused an ultimatum that if I dont fix it your going to call someone else. Which I am still not sure why this is threatening. I think its an attempt play on some insecurity, I am not sure. If doug can do a better job, then maybe he should. or he can get it done faster than I can Great, let him at it. To make one point perfectly crystal Any work on your computer I have done has because I wanted to, not because I had to to, but I did so willingly to help out a friend, and it appears that my help not only is not Good enough, but unappreciated as well.
You say that you have changed, and I want to believe that but when say one thing and act like this what I am supposed to believe.
She vollied this back less than 30 mins. later....
Scot
As far as me changing, I don't care whether you believe it or not. These
are my choices. Yes, I have discussed everything with Sue and Denise, just
as I am sure you discussed everything with Michele and please this is not
the time to lie, because as I said a few weeks ago there are two people in
my life that I trust completely and that is Sue and Denise. I do not feel
victimized however, what a shock...you do. As far as Bob and I are
concerned, when I asked him a few months ago if it was true that he
insinuated something happened between us he said "absolutely not" and I
believe him. Unlike you he has never lied to me or at least not that I can
prove. Actually I am very happy with the way my life is I am surrounding
myself with people I love and who love me. As far as will other guys cheat
on me, maybe maybe not but that will not keep me from dating and having a
life. You need to take your own advise about glass houses. You said how
crappy it was that Jim doesn't return phone calls, well neither do you.
Apparently you had received the voice mail on Sunday and wait I get to hear
your complaints on Tuesday. You never let anything go. You harbor all of
life's crap and keep dumping it on me. As with Ryan I told you STAY OUT OF
IT. I don't want you involved if anything that will make matters worse. I
am a big girl and can handle situations on my own. Also, you should know by
now that there is no me and Ryan thing. Once again we are FRIENDS. I don't
understand what is so hard to get about that. As far as you being a good
friend, if I don't contact you, you don't call me. When was the last
Wednesday night that we hung out. I notice that you don't want to meet with
me and Michele on Wednesday, just Michele. I really don't care because she
can definitely give you more support in certain areas then I can but, as we
were hanging out and then you just stopped, well that is pretty suspicious
as it all started happening around the time you didn't need me to drive,
that bothers me. You twist everything and I am tired of taking the brunt.
I have a lot of crap going on in my life that doesn't have to do with you,
Michele, Ryan or anything actually in the below e-mail. Sue and Denise know
what is happening just in case something happens but, I still have to deal
with it. So for you to be on your high horse right now well, it is not
really good for me. I have got more major issues then who has bruised
feelings because once again you need to read into things. I know you are
going to say well, why didn't you tell me stuff was going on??? Truth is
you haven't been around for me to tell. The reason I didn't have you over
Thursday is because, as with every Thursday the vote was to go out and have
fun and I am not leaving anyone in my apartment when I don't know when I
will be home because you would not be able to leave until I got back as you
would have the only key to get in. Which was a good thing because we didn't
get in until after 2am. As far as having an adult relationship I would have
loved to have had one but, you are not capable which you have made very
evident by not viewing me as an adult. I can not and will not deal with
this situation right now as there are more pressing matters at hand. I am
sorry if you find that insulting but, there are more important things then
playing the blame game and the you hurt my feelings so instead of talking to
you I will send you a belittling e-mail.
I really enjoy her choice in language.... pressing matters at hand... I love when unintellengent people try and post up with phrases they have heard adult use... and misuse them.... This is very much like Stiffler in American Wedding... I willing admit that it is my responsiblity, and I should have returned her phone call, However, I thought I should calm down and not write something that was soley emotionally based. So I delayed. As for using her... This amazes me. She did provide relief while I was automobileless in IL, However what she fails to recognize is that The day after we got back I started work full time and my time was consumed. I should mention that the reference to blowing her off comes after she was excluded to a weekly occurring dart game because she tried to take it over and pushed the people that I originally started the outing with out.... Thats right, I was drinking with Dave, and Steve on Wednesday at St. Charlies and Michele joined one week. They liked her, the next week she managed to put everyone on edge and make the event unfun... Not to mention the fact that she called up Michele and invited her to Go play darts with "Me and Scot" Ironic isnt it? So we started to exclude her because outings were unfun... and if you not having fun whats the point of having an outing? A trip to PA occured. I was expect to wait on someone hand and foot. and when I wasnt moving fast enough blah blah someone I was delaying our departure... I had good right to, I was lamented for a home I didnt want to leave, and since the entire drive was up to me.. I figured why not be overtired. Since... which here is the kicker Blah, Blah would not drive stick because she was "uncomfortable" driving it on the highway... To add to this, to ensure I could use the I am overtired bit she threw in sleeping with a headache the entire ride home... or just about.... Yes, I made her help clean the house. I dont leave 124 without it being spotless. I am guest there...
she wouldnt get that... I cant help but think this princess attitude was fosted by her parents, probably overcompensating for adopting her. The result of their folly is raising 2 daughters who are completely unprepared for the world and who are scared of their own shadows. This results in unhappy children and even more unhappy adults... Whom the only way to win a loosing arguement is to pull out the famed "HEALTH CARD" thats what she is alluding to here. its been a crutch for the past ten years whenever she is having a bad day.... I know cancer patients who have a better life outlook than she does. She thinks she is going to barren because of some deasease, This is where kharma rears its ugly head... All nastyness she has propegated against mankind because she didnt get what she wanted when she wanted. that is what is going to make her barren. Spoiled Brat is all I can say... I know those who throw stones in glass houses shouldnt. We also need to address her need to be the professional victim. Notice how she like to project victimization onto me.... hmmmm...
Theres more to be added here, like my response that will come later....
Interesting postscript to this conversation, though, blah blah had to resort to getting the person she wanted nothing more to do with to fix her computer. Bigger fish to fry read the next post..
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)