Fuck it.......

A late night check-in here. It has been a truly bizarre week. I lost a promotion I didnt really want, and I have officially sank into a depression. I think we I sleep 14.5 hours in a day that constitutes a deep depression. I have decided though, I do not think I am going to talk about this, this time with anyone. Nobody wants to hear it, most of all myself.
The phone just rang its awesome how prejudiced Patsy is about my life, If she knew that the person on the other calling was her favorite grand niece things would be well, she came trapsing out of her bedroom to let me know she was displeased... and I am supposed to feel something other than contempt for her.
I have yet again left someone else in my life overide the direction that I need to be in. I am amazed at how spineless I have become. As the crow flys I find it interesting that My boss would goto any extent to sabotage a entire business channel at my company, I get the feeling that she knows she has done wrong and is waiting for my retrobution. Something that will never come, thats awfully petty. I love when someone wrongs you and they act differently because there is an assumption made that you will seek revenge. That again is very overated. Effects of decisions like this are felt for years to come. I received the message, Loud and Clear. Ty raid over. In a recent conversation with DVM we talked about her feelings on Garden State. I found it interesting she assigned such little value to the message it protrayed because it was too much like the people she knew. I can respect that, and It could just be that I am a drama addict, I dunno.
I drove around tonight after my 14.5 hours of sleep. I was awake for about 10 minutes because I did talk to my new insurance sales person friend about ducks, and other such oddities.

In the hallways of my mind there blows a draft, Cold and stinging, The more I turn up the Theromstat the harder the wind seems to drift across the floor. Its almost as if the cold air is nothing more than the negative thoughts that are slowly becoming who I am, I wonder how long it will take for me to completely dissappear into the inky blackness of a cool spring night. On the surface I would miss it, and maybe even be missed.
Who knows... Only the truly tortured souls get recognition when they pass. PLEASE DO NOT WORRY ABOUT ME. I am not planning on doing anything
"stupid" Its merely an observation. I know the rules now, and I need to play by them. What the hell that means for sure I dont know.
I almost made a really big mistake and got this promotion something that would have driven me farther away from where I need to be. "Stop taking the path of least resistance" DVM is good for the shockabooku..(spritual kick to head) but heres another barn burner for ya: We are our own reality. what we says goes. apart for societial rules, We define who the gets center stage... our scared 6 year old versions of ourselves. or the grownup that is dead and numb from barriers that are a result of burying every dream and aspiration in the backyard we all the former pet goldfish.

In retrospect, I wasnt that bad. I set the whole thing up You know what I mean. Stories are created. I needed to know what your truth was, and I did. I wanted to flush you out. Give your persmission to allow success to be your ruse. I know you still read this. You check it weekly. Its like a drug to you... you did with the X FLIP and you will do it with me. Suprising is not something your capapable of. You have no idea of what class is? When you figure out trading up for the next model is kinda sad because your going to be 48 on a baby farm and divorced because your spouse knows your nuts.
To my faithful readers, I am sorry for those who come here and read my words and have to thinkI am bitter, Its not really me, but the little things that are sent to me on behalve of a Former interest, We broke up because of her Cheating, Lying, and otherwise Whoring aroud... her idea of success was opening her legs for any guy that would promise a rich lifestyle.
Why do I revist this? because much like Blah Blah, I think that The universe will unfold as it needs and you will be barren, Alone, and wondering why you can find truth, because after 23 years of deception your the only one that was truly decieved.

Well the big 3 0h has come and went. Pretty anti climatic... I realized something today as I was driving around running errands for my uncle. I have successfully alienated myself to the rest of the world I find more comfort staying home on a saturday and licking my proverbial wounds. I have come to a couple of discoveries of late. I am yet again paring off my "friends" because they add no value, oh shit who I am kidding, its more like they a paring me away from being value added, read that last line it seems as if I wrote a training manual of this.

Does everyone have a favorite childhood hot dog stand they go to when they want to relive the past? I cant help but get hungry and go up the block and get a "Tommy's Special" 2 hotdogs frys and a large drink for 4 bucks... I am getting old because I remember when it was 1.50 YIKES
and the fries were not frozen but real potatoes.

Another random musing is that the moon look rather full. Its kinda funny.... Much work to do tonight or should I say much work to undo? you be the judge? Does anybody read this? I am curious...

I did get a pardon from causing someone to ballon up I found out... long since I was gone... maxium density has been achieveed.

Early Morning Checkin with the Oracle greeting me Got a pen and paper? Knowing the Oracle she could have been giving me a list of reasons why Feta Cheese is healthy for you, or the list of Fastest Cars she's beaten with Devine, (her Eldorado) or Simply reasons why people or just stupid. STUPID... Well the answer is E none of the above.... she wanted me to hear a quote, from the latestest DEAN KOONTZ book she was reading.(READING IS STILL FOR LOSERS) any the quote,

Sometimes there is no Darker Place than our thoughts: The Moonless Midnight of Our Mind

I had a bit of a chuckle because this is close to my post about Garden State the other night. Anyway.... thought that was to the point... I also found out that I need to be more susurrant in my pontifications of these endeavors while didlgent efforts go unnoticed.

Yet another instance of being correct. I love it.

Okay a co-worker forwarded this to me, and All I could think was who that I know would do something like this:

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words

back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the testimonials of a few

people who did....

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing
for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store
that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler
decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go. He said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes
with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly
choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants andsat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2
days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future,likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

So I challenge this: Who else has real life stories like this?

I just watched a movie that quite possibly summed up how I feel about life. Garden State.
Maybe it was the underlying theme of Death, and dying which in reality is that we are all dying. Beyond the biological sense, We watch our dreams slip into this monochormatic dark inky blackness. And we wonder why we wake up and head for the medicine cabinet to choke down our daily dose of PAXIL, Or Zoloft, or Tadaafil(hehee figure that one out)
I was laying in bed watching this movie, and the electric blanket wasnt helping the fact that I had a chill shake me from the inside. Just like yesterday when I realized I am no longer obligated to fix anyone anymore.
And THAT is such a wierd feeling... but back to Garden State. I have a tendancy to ignore the actors and look right through into the seoul of the peace. I hope its not too late to wake up from this nightmare. Emblazened in my heart are feelings of what is like to be loved, and what it is like to love, Its like a love story that shouldnt never been told, and I sit here in the darkness and I realize that I am crying... I am not exactly sure why or whose tears they are but they feel good on my sore and swollen eyes. It has been so long since these have had a a good cry, not over some movie, but over someone. Myself. I give myself permission to let go for the evening. Realize that I Its okay to be human I can breathe once again. The harder I try to stop these tears the harder they flow. Uncontrolled sobbing is not far off, but neither is laughter, I think it ironic that they are so close to being the same. Back to this post; and back to the Garden State., its really not about New Jersey. Its about the how our lives are like gardens; If you let weeds grow in your garden, it will choke out all that is beautiful in the world, and in order to have beauty there must be rain, and with rain comes with dark clouds... But those clouds... they give way to the sun, and life, and almost limitless love; that love must come from within; because only love found internally d will find a love that will last an eternity.

Hmmmm.... is anybody watching the oscars? I bailed I thought it was a bit trifly. Is that even a word? I thought a better use of the time would be to watch Shaun of the Dead. Good Fucking flick. Its been a while since I saw a really good movie.

I think I am undergoing a bit of cataclysmic emotional shift currently. I no longer do things because I have "to" I do things because I want to. It is a good thing A turning point in my life. 30. and I will get to spend it at home. shhh... this should be good. I think at least the trip is still in the works I dont know if It will happen or not. Worries aside.

I almost frivolously spent 500 bucks today on a laptop. I couldnt do it. It was kinda strange. I could justify buying this machine because I am w/o a computer. currently and I would like to have an electronic home.

Ahh yes I could have bought a lesser machine for a mere 200 bucks, A steal none the less. But not what I wanted.
Now I shop ebay. Hopefully there will be something there... maybe maybe not? What else is going on in the world. It was a good weekend. Lots of Poker, Lots of poop, and lots of stories of growing old. I miss my front porch, and midnight trips to walmart. The sinking walmart. And the truck stop. Truck Stops are cool, Well this 31 year old travel plaza has been in operation as long as I am alive, much like me it took a year off of existence. Anyway the new name of this joint is Gooseberry Farms. Its kinda funny. The owners are former classmates of my mom;s in fact this classmate has the hots for my still to this day..... YIKES.... anyway. I guess I am off to ebay.

Okay I was checking out the wannabe... and she had this post... About Wineee People and I had to say this:

- AMEN.

Okay, Gen X is now entering their 30's and I know we were bad... but they GEN Y and BEYOND>>>>make the slacker (US) generations look like a bunch o workhorses... I ask you to ponder this. Have you ever noticed that anything that was mysterious, ie Vet School, getting an Undergrad etc... was made out to be harder than it really was? Do you think its human nature to make things seem harder than they are so they get alot of good Pub/Self Praise.

First you should probably read the Time Article... or else there will be an issue with the telephone game Parents are making Children Cry babies


What do you think? the last thing I wanted to be was one of those Bitchy Baby Boomers who complained about everything and everyone that wasnt born durring their time (1945to 1960) If you want to make some generational comparsions think about them? Its going to be up to us and Gen Y to support these santamonious Bastards...(heeHEee) I liket that term, see more about Starwars and our friend George Lucas... you may scroll a bit... to read about starwars.... read the comment.

Okay I just changed my template. I like this look... it coveys an amount of peace that I seek.. or it could be that I just am driving to be closer than the ocean... It does have lighthouses... maybe this is my attempt to be beacon... of truth... HAHAHAHAHA!! okay insanity? I know it needs tweeking.. but what do you think?

Wow what a wierd weekend.

Self Exile... maybe... maybe not. It was wierd I jumped in the truck and took off. Oh, I forgot I have to say suv because its really not a truck. anyway I found myself outside my last house. The apartment.... house... and I realized that I am spiraling out of control. I called an old friend and as luck would have it she already had plans. It was weird being in Dekalb again. I had no purpose to be there, It was funny to see the merit that has earned the little hamlet of St.Charles light. thats what its like now... complete with a mini best buy... a best buy for mini me. Something about rocketing at 85 miles an away down country roads makes you realize that there are more important things that centerfuge tables, customer updates and Dipshit Obtuse bosses. I feel like I am defending my life and all the choice that contain it. I have shocked myself. I finally called someone on their hypocracy. Poor Little Mimbo. Cant handle when the heat gets turned up so he will continue to the next party that will tell him how great he is. Time to clean house again. By May I will be back home. I hate this place. I hate all it stands for. My biggest allies here will underestand that I am not supposed to be here. or Maybe not supposed to be at all. This blog is a refuge to me. I appreciate all the scholarly people who read me.
I was speaking to prolly my biggest advocate from a far. and She is always good to talk to. I have a plan and I tired of my life being tennative. As for you and your strega... Piss off. No Really. Lets talk about time. I live now. I live only now. Soon I will not live. Prophecy this is not. Will is what I lack. energy is what you have fed on me. I ramble too much meds... Will you still love me when its over? assuming that you do love me? I never say that to anyone because when I do its over.

One week. Totally sick... No voice. I bet you would love that. I was told not to speak for two days. Yeah right. who are we kidding. I can whisper.

Been a while since the last post. I am sick as a dog. After Patsy going into the hospital for a week I came down with a flu the night I brought her home. I tried self medicating and I took today and possibly tomarrow off. This is kicking my ass. So much for Valentines Day.

Its wierd to think that this blog is almost 2 years old. Track back through the archives and this thing started as a random place to muse. Then a place to share, then a place to lick my wounds. I happy to announce that the only thing I am licking now is the salt off the rim of my margahrita glass. I guess its time to grow up. I must be having one of those I am turning 30 things going on in my head. Yawozaaa what the hell is that. I am still me and I am still as crazy as ever. I am just a little bit more grounded in the way I go about things. The past decade has been crazy. I remeber when My dad died, and I thought to myself. I wonder what the world has in store for me? I am supposed to be here? why would I stop to think this you wonder? I dunno. I have lived, and I have loved. I learned alot from people. I once thought that my life had no meaning. Well I figured it out. There are a few people that have taught me more about life than I could ever express. Some of those lessons have been hard to learn. I think I need a broader audience for this forum. There is two specific people that read this blog and dont have the guts to post anything. Its SAD. Deciet is an awful thing. I can only hope that the same befalls you someday. Naa... its not worth it.. life is too short. You wil have your own cross to bear, and I have a pretty good idea what that will be. The Sun will come up tomorrow. It will rise, and Today is the best day to start something new and meaningful.
I want to thank all those people that supported me in the last year. Without your support I prolly wouldnt be here. I would still be in Dekalb Broken hearted and Wondering what I did wrong to cause this collapse of reality. I have the answer to that. NOTHING. I did nothing. and thats what is unfortunate. I have a great sense of self-preservation, and I think thats why I am here today. Bahz Lerhmann said it best, when he said... the race is long, sometimes your ahead, sometimes your behind, when its all said and done the race is with yourself.

So nobody asked what was up with the name change. Luna Strega inspired it. I was up late last night and I stumble upon a old Celtic Dictionary. Domhan Solus... Talus Moon. I find it funny that both Luna Strega and I both choose the moon to bay at. Hmmmm... You will have to figure her translation on your own.

I received a annon. Comment on one of my old posts. Asking about time. What would like to know? I believe time is not a linear concept. The best way to describe time is something that is more like a ethereal haze that encompasses our reality. Couple this somewhat different version of time and I think It allows a rational explanation why people that have passed can communicate back to the "other side" Because when you pass I think its a acceptable concept to believe that the kintergarten concept of time that as mortals we cling to is chucked for the true notion. Imagine the ability to goto any momement in time, without incumberance. Goto the moment of your birth, and see it, goto your first kiss, your first day of school etc.

I dont know if I would say I was intellegent, most people may disagree with that notion. while others would agree. I like to look at reality skewed. This spin on reality is what has gotten me in trouble as of late.

Those of you who watch TV. and Know me. I pose a question.. Medium. Art immitating life or Life immitating art?

So my annon. Commentor, Leave me your indentity, that is unless I already know you and your trying to bate me into a discussion. I can have dinner with bannana hands if I want. So go spend 600 dollars for his self help cds. I can meet him first hand. Arent you satisfied with the results of your plunder. I need to thank you. You gave me the freedom of not having to support someone in my greatest time and need, The albatross is truly yours now, and I dont need or want it back. Invest in a home waxing kit, maybe that will get you past the treasure trail. YIKES.

If my annon. Commentor is truly a contemporary of Ultra concentrated KMl , I aplogize whole heartedly, your comment was in a vane, much like a a former acquaintence, that lacks morales, and generally fancies himself an extremely intellegent person, I would never impune his intellgence, It could be considered more Rainman like.

So my annon. Commentor Open up the curtain and reveal you indentity.

Okay I know I am total pizza snob but this takes the cake.... according to a poll on MSN the best pizza in Philadelphia is..... Pizza Hut... as being from the Epicenter of Pizza. and Have such great Zas to get at one sitting. PIZZA HUT? Are you disturbed?

Big Five Word Test Results

Extroversion (81%) high which suggests you are overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense too often of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity. Friendliness (52%) medium which suggests you are moderately kind natured, trusting, and helpful while still maintaining your own interests. Orderliness (25%) low which suggests you are overly flexible, random, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense too often of structure, reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment. Emotional Stability (43%) moderately low which suggests you are worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious. Openmindedness (62%) moderately high which suggests you are intellectual, curious, imaginative but possibly not very practical.

Take Free Big Five Word Choice Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

They say time heals All Wounds.

I have tendancy to believe them. I am feeling optimistic as of late, which is something new for me. Driving to work today I put my life into prospective, I had another friend dissappoint me again yesterday. I am getting tired of this. I guess I need to make better choices in friends. I really sound like the Dennis's when I say this but I really think the only person you can count on is yourself. Small minded red-neck voice checking in today apparently. YIKES... Driving to work this morning I also realized how small my car is. It seemed much bigger than before. All I can say is I love stick shift.
I want to leave town for the weekend. I miss Friday night movie night at the Uncles, and I miss Chicken Parm subs.

Why do people intentionally hurt people? I just dont get it.

In other news

Theres a couple of cool blogs I have tripped over, I was randoming surfing, and I came across them..
The Complainer --
I read this and almost fell off my chair.

Time Matters --
Another blog that I stumbled on. I like it because its insightful, and down to earth at the same time. I have posted on some of the more interesting topics, causing a sexist war because I claim that women control men via sex, and that married people are inheriently unhappy.

Does anybody read this? I am kinda bummed I never get any comments.

Time for some great thoughts.

I hate the thought of having resolutions but here goes:

1. I resolve that when someone hurts me that I will let them know instead of walking away. While emotionally it is much eaiser to cut someone out. The I think the trade of immediate pain is worth the long-term closure.

2. I am more open to opportunities to let things Go. If I cant control it let it go. Easier said than done.

3. I aspire actually live here, and not try to transfix myself in Tremont. Again eaiser said than done.

4. I am not going to put up these angery bitter posts. They do nothing except make me relive the hurt every time I read them.

5. I am going to accept love into my heart. Love for myself. love for others. and for once, take my own needs into account when I do something for others.

6. I want to be a less judgemental friend. I argue this point helplessly. when the people around you do stupid things I always support then lambast, I need to better @ support and drop the lambast.

7. Blog more. I feel much better after I write.

8. Take classes, this time for something I enjoy. Look out SC! Hopefully I will have a partner in crime to play off of.
9. Realize that when someone hurts you they are really hurting themselves. Allowing someone to shape their own destiny.... shouldnt be my concern.
10. Spend time talking about something more meaningful with people, Talk more about ideas than the people and how those ideas shape reality.

11. Visit home more often. Apreciate simplicity. embrace my future and because when I look behind me. I am already further than I thought I could be.