Really is that the best you can do? I am really amazed. So limited gestures from such hyper intellegent person. I think this time cranium size and intellegence have a inverse relationship. Ps. I am having dinner with bannana hands. Next Month. I make sure and tell him he has more disciples.

Tried something new today. I decided that I would not answer my cell phone at all. I must have a lot of voicemails. Its nothing against anyone that was trying to call me but I just wanted to not deal with the thing shit storm I have created. Quite possibly the lowest of the low hit last night. and I went to go hold my favorite dog in the whole wide world. She is now 77 by dog years. Her once golden fur has turned platinum white.... She can still beg like a puppy, and I see the unconditional love in her eyes when I scratch her tummy. How can anyone own a cat? Cats are useless creatures. Cats throw up and use a litter box. YUK. Back to Daizee, the wunder slut. a little scratch behind the ears and she would melt. 1993 was much simpler time. I sat at a coffee house tonight for the first time in years. I dont count the house simply for the shear fact that the house was nothing more than a wannabe coffee establishment, desparate to be avante gard... trying to too hard to be unique. I found myself challenged to get to this place, I went with a very good, old friend that was child free for the night, and we got a good buzz on like we used to so many years ago. I often wonder why my friends put up with my bullshit. Yes thats right put up with my bullshit. I got a lecture tonight that I should forgive something from a relative and welcome them back into my life, This upset me because there is nothing to forgive. I took a stance and decided to follow it through. It was a much simpler to let bygones be bygones, when I made the decision to cut myself out but when I was the one cut out, its hard to force yourself back into this persons life. A low blood sugar momement lead to me walking away to watch goonies. It was fun to watch teenagers discuss political topics with such vigor as if they had the world by the ass. I declared at the top of my lungs that I wanted my 20's back. I want to have the materials I have now and get a do-over. I think that is fair. I know I would change ALOT of my past. I was going to post some lyrics to another song, kinda as a homeage to the little meglomaniac in tremont, since he has so often done before me. So here goes. I never listend to this song until I had the album for almost a year. I am a sucker for anyone tht is brave enough to add a string quartet to any pop piece. but here goes.... before that though, I have a comment, A breve is NOT made with coffee its made with expresso.

I wished I was smarter
I wished I was stronger
I wished I loved Jesus
The way my wife does
I wish it had been easier
Instead of any longer
I wished I could have stood where you would have been proud
But that won't happen now
That won't happen now


There's a whole lot of singing that's never gonna be heard
Disappearing everyday without so much as a word somehow
Think I broke the wings off that little song bird
She's never gonna fly to the top of the world right now
Top of the world


I don't have to answer any of these questions
Don't have no God to teach me no lessons
I come home in the evening
Sit in my chair
One night they called me for supper
But I never got up
I stayed right there in my chair


There's a whole lot of singing that's never gonna be heard
Disappearing everyday without so much as a word somehow
Think I broke the wings off that little song bird
She's never gonna fly to the top of the world right now


I wished I'd a known you
Wished I'd a shown you
All of the things I was on the inside
I'd pretend to be sleeping
When you come in in the morning
To whisper good-bye
Go to work in the rain
I don't know why
Don't know why


Cause everyone's singing
We just wanna be heard
Disappearing everyday without so much as a word somehow
Wanna grab a hold of that little song bird
Take her for a ride to the top of the world right now


(Instrumental)


Whoa, Whoa
To the top of the world
To the top of the world
To the top of the world
To the top of the world
To the top of the world
To the top of the world
To the top of the world
To the top of the world...

I often think of starting the countdown to the end, I wonder, btw the official defintion of what a cafe breve is:
Brevé: Short for Espresso Brevé. Espresso with half-n-half instead of milk.

strange to think that halfnhalf has less carbs than milk... YIKES.

blah blah, smokey, oracle all know something is up, apple too. I avoid the microscope they offer in search of solace with lunatree girl.

Sorry no post in a while, but I had to rebuild another machine this weekend leaving my blogger outlet unpluggged so I could work on the other. Its been a big week I was able to secure a large type keyboard for the mom who is losing her sight, That and upgrading her monitor to something larger. Of course these things were interperted as something sinister. I like that word sinister. I learned alot this weekend about myself. Apparently I am not as wrong about things as I once thought. In skipping out of a bbq that was planned with me not being included I went to a new friends place and had an AWESOME time! It felt good to talk to people that were not so much entirely full of shit, or so narcisitic that they can talk about something other than themselves. I think about the energy wasted on this venture, I think about last year at this time and I think how much happier I am now. I think the methphor of time making everything equal. Things I know:
I am better than I have every been.
I am feeling more centered because its been a natural center that is not for anybody but myself.
I know my path is going to be long and winding,
I know that I dont want it any other way.
I faced the facts that who I am is not going to change
My life that has been threated by someone that you all know and I have to say that if he is going to come to me in the middle of the night to kill me I welcome it. Fear not little ones, I will be back again. and again. and again.

Someone told me that they could not count on me knowing when it was going to happen. I do know. You can only affect someone like that if you have something to lose. I have nothing to lose. It is truly wonderful that it has come to this. I am not bulletproof. I am however smarter than him. he knows it. It amazes me how much blah blah and him and other people have emulated me and twisted the emulation to fit the needs. could you imagine what that feels like? I do. Its fucked up. You dont see some people for years and they remind you of something you used to say, and they still say it. Thats just the begining. I guess my mom's brother and her sister inlaw now are talking to her after putting her through the wringer for six months because my aunt feelings were hurt, because. "she didnt call me" Grow the fuck up. This is the bullshit that causes me to be tired. Inflict whatever pain you would like on others but be comfortable with that pain when you realize its permanent. I bear none of you ill-will.I tried to prevent your pain and you burn me because of this. I am going to give you what you want. Silence. Your going to have to deal with me like you do everyone else. There is not alternate universe. I dont care if you dont want to play. you have to live with your actions just like I have to live with mine. Its my fault because I wasnt quick enough to avert the disaster. Oh well, guess I will have to pay. Will that be suffiencent enough cause to have your son send me to my maker? I hope so. Enough of that. I have a long distance dedication that needs to go out to someone: Sing it Ani: btw..... how do you look at yourself in the mirror, knowing the lies you told Blowing a HS crush and his friend..... anyway sing it ANI:

untouchable face

think i'm going for a walk now
i feel a little unsteady
i don't want nobody to follow me
'cept maybe you

i could make you happy, you know
if you weren't already
i could do a lot of things
and i do

tell you the truth i prefer the worst of you
too bad you had to have a better half
she's not really my type
but i think you two are forever
and i hate to say it but you're perfect together

so fuck you
and your untouchable face
fuck you
for existing in the first place
and who am i
that i should be vying for your touch
who am i
bet you can't even tell me that much

2:30 in the morning
and my gas tank will be empty soon
neon sign on the horizon
rubbing elbows with the moon
safe haven of the sleepless
where the deep fryer's always on
radio is counting down the top 20 country songs

out on the porch the fly strip is
waving like a flag in the wind
you know i really don't look forward
to seeing you again soon.

you look like a photograph of yourself
taken from far far away
i won't know what to do
i won't know what to say

so fuck you...

i see you and i'm so perplexed
what was i thinking
what will i think of next
where can i hide
in the back room there's a lamp
that hangs over the pool table
and when the fan is on it swings
gently side to side
there's a changing constellation
of balls as we are playing
i see orion and say nothing
the only thing i can think of saying

is fuck you...

mmmmm. thats much better.

Well I havent posted all weekend except for now, and what a completely screwed up weekend I am having. This was totally messed up. I had one friend after another crashing down around me.... Interesting though, I wonder what my role is in all of this. Blah Blah let someone set her up on a blind date and this was unacceptable because this person was a stranger... Of course this seter-up was not at fault here, and blah blah tried to hide this fact and go behind her back. My newest friend is waivering on what he should do in life, and I seem to be his reality checkpoint. This is wierd for me. My home has been invaded by someone who wants to play familia for the day, I have plans I thought and off I went. I sent this out a mass email: I think its important I post this here:
Did you know ???

Did you know that when you envy someone, it's because you really like that
person?

Did you know that those who appear to be very strong in heart, are real
weak and most succeptible?

Did you know that those who spend their time protecting others are the
ones that really need some one to protect them?

Did you know that the three most difficult things to say are : I love you, Sorry and help me The people who say these are actually in need of them or
really feel them, and are the ones you really need to treasure, because
they have said them.

Did you know that people who occupy themselves by keeping others company
or helping others are the ones that actually need your company and help?

Did you know that those who dress in red are more confident in themselves?


Did you know that those who dress in yellow are those that enjoy their
beauty?

Did you know that those who dress in black, are those who want to be
unnoticed and need your help and understanding?

Did you know that when you help someone, the help is returned in two
folds?

Did you know that those who need more of you are those that don't mention
it to you?


Did you know that it's easier to say what you feel in writing than saying
it to someone in the face?But did you know that it has more value when you
say it to their face?

Did you know that what is most difficult for you to say or do is much more
valuable than anything that is valuable that you can buy with money?

Did you know that if you ask for something in faith, your wishes are
granted?

Did you know that you can make your dreams come true, like falling in
love, becoming rich, staying healthy, if you ask for it by faith, and if
you really knew, you'd be surprised by what you could do.
But don't believe everything I tell you, until you try it for yourself ,
if you know someone that is in need of something that I mentioned, and you
know that you can help, you'll see that it will be returned in two-fold

DID YOU KNOW THAT YOU COULD ALWAYS COUNT ON ME???... AT THE MOMENT, TIME
AND PLACE THAT YOU NEED ME, CALL ME, I WILL BE THERE WITH YOU !!!!!

"One day, we will change the world...or we are already changing it " THE
BALL IS NOW IN YOUR COURT... If the world were to end in 24 hours, all the
phone lines, chat rooms and e-mails will be saturated from people sending
messages to others, saying: "I regret having made you feel bad", "Pardon
me", "I love you", "I hold you in high esteem", take good care of
yourself" and sometimes "I have always loved you, only I never told you".


Someone else today reminded me of the serenity prayer. I wish I am trying very hard to let go of things. maybe one day I will be able to do so.

WOOOOOOO WHO..... Well coming off that last post I got a death threat today. It makes me feel so warm and fuzzy that someone wants me dead as I want to be dead... what a wonderful proposition. The amazing thing about this is... I am the sane one.... can I get a YIKES... Spiderman has just come out. He must be using his spidy senses... YUK

Well those of you that have been following this blog has traveled with me for quite a rollercoaster like journey. Some sad, some glad mostly angery, Most wondering why the shit is still running down hill, Something I grasp to get ahold of. I just dont wonder why. I made the conscience effort to let go of everything, and today the one thing I was unable to let go of slapped me in the face. Those of you who know me for longer than a couple of years know that t I lost my father eight years ago to a failed lung transplant. Eight years ago exactly June 30, 1996... or so it has been called 1996 the year of death. I went to the bar tonight with over 90% of my friends and I had a horrible time. I could not shake the idea that my life was worthless and I was an even bigger asshole for not remembering the memory of my father. It could have been something bigger. It be now that I am whole again that I no longer desire to have this existence anymore. I choose not to participate in Life. If I dropped off the face of the planet today... I would be barely missed. I missed my mark. This is NOT a plea for help, more over simply stating fact. Its not that I am not loved, I am loved, and I do have great friends. Its not that my pain, hurt or suffering is any greater than anyone elses'. I dont need the george Bailey effect here neither. I am tired of my life being in a holdng pattern. I feel have sucked enough frustration out of the atomposhere and it needs to be released. No amount of counseling no amount of hand holding will help this go away. I once told a friend of mine that they would never improve their situation until they broke out of the mold that they were set in removed the limitation that the people around them have put into them.
I need to heed my own advice. The limitations of this life must be lifted. I must do something will not continue for me to remain empty inside. Maybe I am not as strong as I appear to be. Maybe its time to realize that all the trash that is talked bout me is more like harsh fact. I have no rage left in me. I am broken, without purpose and the only sounds left is the sound of my heart beating against the rhythm of the world. I have to hand you to Kelly, you and Bob were absoulutly correct, and it only took 2 years to come to pass, My hats off to you. Revel in my failure, I know I have. After I am gone I hope you realize every discpicable quality you could not stand about me is what you saw in yourselves and could not handle. I love you both. Thanks for making me a stronger person. I wish you all the happiness that you can muster in this world, I wish you could have been honest and truthful instead of lying to makeyourselves feel better. To former agressors, you know you both are. May your life together become everything that you feared it would. Say what you must to make yourselves feel better, and remember what you put out you get in return 10 fold. and yes Mongoloid boy, that applies even to you. I am sorry to leave you down my new friend perhaps I stopped the natural order of things for you prematurely. And to my friend, the Oracle. Thanks for your equalizer, thanks for confirming that I wasnt just hearing things and thank you for being you. I meant what I said when I say I worry about you. Nobody holds the net when you fall, and yes you do fall. Perhaps the conversation may have not meant much to you, but I thank you for treating me like a friend instead of an annoyance. I know our pathes will cross again. I know that the path I have chosen is NOT an easy one and I know that fear is Not an option. I am being so much more melodramatic that I need to be, but people have grown used to it. Its funny the vet your the greatest and I still learn much from you.I could have not made it this far without you. I am sorry. May your sunsets always be beautiful, Your waters always be clear, and the sand always pure between your toes. Good night.

Heres a nifty thought. I think you should pull your lower over your head and swallow.

I pose a really interesting question? I really cant take all the credit for this notion, but I know I can at least write about it? What the fuck is happening in society today? I think Tee-Ball should be banned. I remember as a kid when you actually learned about competition and sportsmanlike conduct... But now, Tee-Ball nobody wins or loses, you get praised for attempted to hit the ball, and I pose the Question What kind of life are we preparing the youth of tomarrow for? These kids are not going to have the coping skills to deal with every day happenstance... Its okay little Raoul.... you thought about runnning to second but because your so helplesslessly out of shape you couldnt... I understand.. you get a gold star for tying your shoe.... I mean really my friend refuses to enroll her children in these programs... because she believes its the undoing of society. I think we need to get away from this idea of Spare the rod and spoil child and go back to a good old fashion Assswhoooping.... I got spanked and I turned out just fine.... I wanna flash forward in time and see how much coporate american will be decimated by a "TIME OUT" Yikes... All this touchy feely horsehit makes me wanna puke in my soup.... I say the beatings should continue until the morale improves...

I just re-read my last post. Super-Vet wasnt the one who pushed the buttons My sibling did. Someone is pleased as punch that he gets to be in Tremont and I dont. I wanna take the blog in other directions, mainly about my quest for truth, honest justice and integrity. I hope that my enlightened path will remain that way. For its team to make the City light up again, and drive the darkness away.

~~~Transporting.....

Is it a smile you wanted?
A laugh, a giggle? a YIPE?!

and All you got was sadness.

I goto sleep every morning with the sun, and I wake every evening with the dusky redness of the summer sky.

A whiff of the breeze reminds me how much I miss the stories you tell, and The yarns you spin.

A bottle of Acme Orange Soda, or Black Cherry in a frosty bottle coupled with the Cow Salt and Pepper shakers...

Lets not forget the STEWED hamburgers, Cabbage Rolls and the Funnel Cakes.

A whiff of the breeze reminds me how much the newness of each pinic ended with a slide waterslide, and skinning my knee made summer, summer.

Lets not forget the Phoniex, Bumper Boats and the Cable car ride.

A whiff of the breeze reminds me how much the cool mountain chilled us and made us go "down through the park" to get something else to eat, Hard Ice Cream... cuz soft would never do.

Lets not forget the Haunted House, and me grasping on to my Aunts with a grip the would kill the average person.

As I got older the landscape changed... the flood levels rose and the pinics got smaller. The faces all weathered some, are no longer with us. The babies became adults and the adults had babies... Much like time, it is universal to all of us........

A whiff of the air reminds me of a time, where the stories were made, the memories remembered and the future was an afterthought.......

Lets not forget We are nothing more than the stories we create, immortalized, embelleshed and made into legend.

A whiff of the air and I am transported back there, My senses awaken as if I were waking from a ten year old coma.. anxious to remeber the past and look to the future.

It amazes me how much people in life like to push buttons. I have I fell pray to that tonight. Its sad. I got a really funny drunken message from my favorite vet in Training... and her friend. You guy need to call me again... and splain yourselves better. This weekend was a waste, I am going to interview tomarrow for the job I am going to get. I cant believe July is almost here. YIKES!

Hmmmm... it was like old home week tonight. Russels' Ribs, Jamba Juice, Game works and Dave and Busters. Two phoners from great women of my past. It was cool to hear... and the best part of night like this is having breakfast at IHOP.. I guess you can take the boy out of Glendale Heights but not the Glendale Heights out of the boy.... I miss the truck stop... damnit.... Someone told me I was dark. Someone called me and said that someone else needs to to talk to me. The need to help me straighten out the poop... Poop is a reoccuring theme on this blog, and actually before you get any ideas its not a homeaage... to anything... yawn time to goto bed.

I experienced all again tonight. Everything comes back on itself. unlocked the past has become.. I relive the nastyness that the past two years have taken me on. My loved ones lost, and now found. I wish my muse wasnt that one of saddness. I felt it all over again. My spririt is broken...I think its meant to be this way..only when something is broken does it mean to be fixed. BTW.. I thought about sunday last convo and I looked up the words to OVERKILL:

Overkill
I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications

Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know will be alright
Perahaps its just my imagination

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat, shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away

Alone between the sheets
Only brings exasperation
It's time to walk the streets
Smell the desperation

At least there's pretty lights
And though there's little variation
It nullifies the night
From overkill

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat, shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away

I can't get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications

Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know will be alright
It's just overkill

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat, shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away

Boy Howdee are you right... this is exactly what I was describing.... theres that boy howdee thing again... I cant sleep now... my ghost still havent faded... damnit...

Watching day-time tv today and I realize what the market is all day losers. Its kinda sad. If I have to see another lincoln Tech comercial I will have to say something some other time. Blah Blah blah....

This post is here to commmerorate..(remember spelling dunt count) the 70th Post to my blog. YEAAAAAAAA!!!!

After all the brown talk, I want to say that I have set a deadline for myself. If I am not employed within the next 30 days I am returning to PA and being happy. I would have given IL another 90 day chance and I think I must move back. I will miss some people that I have grown very close to, In speaking to the ties that bound me here I am free. Free because this is just not me anymore. I needed to prove myself that. If they are going to be my friends a measly 747 miles would not stop the friendship from occuring. Besides I have always wanted to simulate being white trash, I guess I could move to the South Suburbs, but I think the people in Schyukill county are a much better brand o trash. At least there nobody is fooling themselves into thinking they are something that they are not, I miss my front porch. The smell of Tremont after the rain storm is something else. The positive charged ions in the air and the freshness of the trees... I miss my mountain view, I miss my mountain home. I hope that one day I can return there permanently. Illinois has been kind, it has taught me what I didnt want. It has taught me who I am not. It has taught me that I can reach and not fall, It has taught me a lesson, What the lesson is I am not sure. I would think that the harshness that I came across with this evening remains to be see.

I wish i could find the word explain... I wish her to have all the love that she deserves without being abused. I wish her to find someone to complete her circle, draw on her strengths and feed her ever loving passions. I want her to have the life that was stolen for her, I would willingly give up mine for hers, because she deserves the chances that I have squandereed.

....Rage.... Rage against the dying of the light.

if that fails... change your identity declare a new direction and fall for the next thing that walks through your door..

I am trying to recall a poem that I had written before... I will find it and post it here.... Too bad my old power book was tainted... The well of emotion is dry.


Thanks for commenting on my blog.. your words are like the laxative I needed. Remeber lies make the baby jesuses cry.

What do you get when you mix lots of darts, and discussions of the brown tone? Actually nothing... I was surfing for the existence of the tone that when heard causes one to evacuate ones' bowels. and I came across this:

First of all, it really should be ODORLESS. If it is foul, then there is food that is rotting throughout the digestive tract better known as fermentation or decomposition. Usually stems from Bad Combinations of Food (once again, that was one of the reasons for The Food Combining Guide" … to avoid this almost entirely.) or even drinking a lot of fluids when you eat which makes a terrible strain on optimum digestion.

The best CONSISTENCY would be like that of porridge or thick oatmeal.
It should not be hard and logy or loose and watery! If it's hard and logy, then not enough fiber (no, bran doesn't get it) in the diet. This is one of the hassles of eating meat…NO FIBER! This is where we came up with the saying, "Eat Greens with Proteins" and of course that will also coincide with the 3 Commandments of Food Combining.
Watery Stools mean Diarrhea or some other problem usually with food poisoning or the like.

And above all they should not FLOAT! Too much gas in the stool when it floats. So there goes that "Stinky Floaties" hypothesis! Her presentation was superb and I would hear her again, but the science of her physiology was poor at best.

It has to be QUICK and EFFORTLESS! And each of us can relate to the times when we are in the restrooms in a restaurant or any other public restroom where you think the walls are going to come tumbling down with the person in the stall going through some changes just trying to void themselves. Boy Howdy!

Sometimes I wonder if Sigmoid Freud got the pleasurable sensation of a good bowel movement mixed up with a sex thrill or somethin' other.

And as I have mentioned in our Audio Series when I interviewed the Great Dr. Frank Sabatino in which he commented that there should be a church called, "The Church of the Immovable Bowel"! It's sad but so true. One to two minutes is long enough. We don't want you dozin' and drulin' in there!

Now many times should we go each day? The correct answer to that would be EVERY TIME WE EAT! But at least twice a day would be very healthy. I guess that's where we probably get the term, "BEING REGULAR".

One more thing about the COLOR: It should represent the color of the food we ate. Spinach will naturally have a greenish color, Beets will definitely be red no matter what else you ate and Carrots will have that color as well. But a universal color would probably be Greenish, Yellowish with slight tint of Brown. Almost picturesque you might say.

But don't get your camera there might be someone waitng!

Even though I made light of this most important subject, I would like to suggest that we take a more conscious effort of how we feed ourselves as Colon Cancer is the third most commonly-occurring form of Cancer (in both men and women). And since Cancer is the second major killer in our country with it positively being diet related, then we can breathe a sigh of relief knowing, not wishing hoping or praying but knowing that we are in control of that devastating problem in our society.

Okay that comes from this link: The Mysteries of a Good KAKA POO POO

I was oddly drawn to this page... only because the author actually used the words, BOY HOWDEE

On a somwhat brighter note, I went to IKEA today. I brought the Patsy... by her request... It was her first time, and considering her health she made it all the way across the top floor. which is almost the equivalent to walking through Walmart a couple of times.. she managed to buy what everyone that goes the IKEA for the first time buys... the 1.99 package of AA battery and a NON-stick pan and a rug.... yes a rug.. I was proud of her, she bought something to counter-act the early eishenhauer period piece of a the house... Yikes. can I say yikes a little louder. YIKEs!~!

Got another interview in the works... The past is still as bleak as the future, but at least there is maybe.

I took care of Pandoras box. I have a really good thought. Lies make the baby jesuses cry. Lies. I also realized something really incredibly proufound. That is the place you leave is bound to change with time. There is very few exceptions to this rule. Scratch that I think is more of an axiom. The stream of time has somehow managed to create an envelop around Tremont PA, specifically the house. Time moves at half speed. Upon reentry to the normal flow of time your body must speed to up make the transition. Its not a connection that can be explained with words. Those who have experienced the beautiful thing clammor to return. The power of such a simple place heals all that walk through its arches. A simple abode that appears to be nothing from the street except a simple row home that draws space within to heal the family, or people that have become family, Forgiveness doesnt even needed to be asked for it is given without exception. Amazing to those who refuse to accept. You were fashionable sensitive, but too cool to care...... Some comment on the weather. Tearing me apart... and your thoughtless words are breaking my heart.... breaking my heart... That jewel interlude brought to you by the ressurection of my MP3 collection. It may not be as cool as some... but guess what It doesnt matter. I spent alot of time with the chairman..... Its cool to be considered a freind for a change as opposed to the cause of a problem. I think there is a possiblity to have another decade plus relationship.. To replace the broken ones that have caused, me to have that emptyness Wait not emptyness but the abscence of pain... Finally I am who I am without being judged. Its down to just the people in my immmediate family. Jealously direct and pissed because I am able express the feelings that have been buried for almost half a century. Why do you bother reading this? Why is it so important? Do you really think this about you? or your boyfriend? Whatever you need to tell yourself to act the way you are I feel sorrow for you. The grave you have dug for me is not going to be used today. I wouldnt give you that power of me and my future. No matter how much you want to hide behind self-actualization, Tony Robbins, Desousa, or any other human potential movement star you should develop your inner voice for yourself, Nobody else. Not cuz I say so, Not cuz Mommie or Daddie or anyone else says so. It doesnt matter if I ever see talk, or interact with again. The stains you have inflicted on your own soul is not my responsiblity to bear. Its yours. I can walk away with a clean conscience. and I can here the harumphing when you read this. Its okay, I think I am allowed to indulge. after all this is my blog, and the likely hood of me taking the blog down is almost non-existent. I like here, They like it here We all like it here, Nobody is forcing you to click your little Ibook and goto this page, how do I know, Conformity is something that comes very naturally to you. Free thought is not something that comes easy to you. What happens now that I am gone...whose the new villain? I am glad my tenure is gladly completed. I have discovered something in my sojurn to East coast and back. Life is made of choices and consquences. I have perfectly capable of owning up for the responsible for my actions. Can you say the same? No amount of psychology classes with give you the edge your looking for. Dont be foolish enough to make that mistake. Knowledge is only the first steping stone of enlightenment. I dont expect you to know this until you discover it on your own. I barely have the grasp of this and I have seen much more of the world's offerings. Age has a tendancy to do this to you. I want to thank you for teaching my the lessons that you have, Some of them are so simple that that you wouldnt even believe them if I mentioned them here. Some were so mind altering that I dont often offer this but the have changed the path of my life forever. Anyway this blog isnt always about you. Its not even always about me. I glad you were able to take down poopfish because you think I was reading to keep tabs on you. News flash my life is a bit more complicated than that. Personally your blog should be for you and you alone. What ever your convincing "YOU" are these days. All the negative rhetoric that is directed about me, is sad. My first impression was the correct one.

Much like bill clinton, history will be the judge of what has been said on behalf of everyone involved. I wish that you and yours get whatever you deserve. Plain simple, directly. Please do not continue to assume that my passiveness is weakness. I have an infinite amount of patience and when they are exhausted I will not act. I wont have to Time is the imortal equalizer. I will travel where I want when I want.
I dont need to compete for pity here. Life is what you make it. Families much like the spaces we try and hold together change, sometimes this change is not realized until its not too late. Walking into Downtown Disc made this crystal for me. With closing of their doors, I realize Dekalb much like me has changed its no longer the friendly place to live, I have outgrown the land of corn. Its almost to say, that playground no longer holds any interest. I thought it would be hard to come back and visit and relive memories of more than 10 years. and I figured out that is not who I am anymore. I say this for my own benefit. That pond is out of oxygen and its time to move into the ocean. My fond memories are rooted in Extreme sports boy, and Lincoln and Remos and Jenny and Sara and Matt, Ate Rhoda and all those people that made my stay @ NIU that much more richer.
Whatever, Fine, so be it. When I fell from the Pedestal and it broke and I woke up with a concussion, I realized that I have been on a two year path of self-involved binge fest. Thats over I am taking my resposiblity for the things I need and I going to weather the storm, No matter how much the manipulation of nature you think is possible the key is that the Achilles heel must be the same for me to fall. If you feel that is your only course of action so be it. I just want you to know I knew exactly when it all fell apart.... you do too, the connection was poisoned and it showed through... and I was too self involved to bother to revive it. Thats all in the past The question on the floor why bother with facade? I dont expect an answer, it doesnt matter, and I really dont care. Thats the best part of time, it does heal all wounds, and no matter how you think you have devisated my life, I have felt worse by much more important people.

I should manage to put in some metatags someday... I think its pretty cool the audience for the blog grows with the weeds in the yard. I think highest compliment I could be paid was to be told I had a touch of Hemmingway... At least I got some of the vital atttributes pegged...(tank-ass, High self opinion. etc) However I look at other's blogs any only think that mine my look too polished. After all, typos aside, my mood has not improved. Its still dark, its not for the past, but its for the future.

Found Pandoras box today.... I deliberating if I am going to open it. I think I just might. Beware.

So I just got back from a really good coffee with my friend. Among the important topics of discussion we feel that have a responsiblity to create a Top number of 80's films that everyone should see... Kinda like AFC Top 100... but I think much more relavant to us Gen Xers... There is a list started, but I will only publish this after we fully define our criteria. We also discussed doing a where are they now with a coulple of people. The person we thought of was the blonde haired dude that was in Karate Kid and Back to School as the Jock "villian" His name thanks to the IMDB website is William Zabka... or Billy Zabka and apparently he is still getting work... I think I already know too much about this guy... Yikes... Theres also a motion on the floor to start this 80's list with 1978, because too many movies were really good in 78 and 79. Although looking some of the movies that I thought were 78-79 were actually 1980 (Blues Brothers) if you have any criteria ideas submit them here or email them to me... Anyway... Its always good to get a kick in the pants from my friend she reminds me that I have a brain and I need to use it more often. Uncomplicate my life, and remove those things(people) that make me angery, sad etc, and fill it with people who dont. Thanx......

What a great party. That was sooo much fun. I spoke to an old friend this morning, and she worried because our ships kept passing in the night. Talk about enlightend conversations. She is always good for taking the conventional turning it on its ear and making you look at things skewed. She is like Bifocals for my SCOT VISION. She too is on trial with jesus, along with not being saved... I think that we should rent the microbus... fill it with some good libations(see I can use 50 dollar words tooo) and hoist a few.... (Shout out to the made for TV movie star and his extreme sports.) and Drive it straight to Hell. Because we had a discovery, that you can do and say anything you like if your saved by Jesus... Accept Jesus Christ as your lord and savior... Things I also learned that families are NUTS. The best thing I love about my Kimmmiiiiieeee is that is probably one of my most smartest friends, who is intellegent enough to see people for who they really are, are dont need to biased to make their own judgements.

So I am going to blantantly steal this from a much wiser person than I. Here goes:


Revelation of the day
. . .pondered while I was in the pond. . .

A revision of an old proverb:

- Boring people talk about themselves.

- Insecure people talk about others.

- Conspicuous consumers talk about things.

- Educated people talk about books.

- Intelligent people talk about ideas.

- Enlightened people don't talk much. They listen.




We're all at least a little of each.


Goo Kimmmmmeeee Go...... Kimmeeee