This post is here to commmerorate..(remember spelling dunt count) the 70th Post to my blog. YEAAAAAAAA!!!!

After all the brown talk, I want to say that I have set a deadline for myself. If I am not employed within the next 30 days I am returning to PA and being happy. I would have given IL another 90 day chance and I think I must move back. I will miss some people that I have grown very close to, In speaking to the ties that bound me here I am free. Free because this is just not me anymore. I needed to prove myself that. If they are going to be my friends a measly 747 miles would not stop the friendship from occuring. Besides I have always wanted to simulate being white trash, I guess I could move to the South Suburbs, but I think the people in Schyukill county are a much better brand o trash. At least there nobody is fooling themselves into thinking they are something that they are not, I miss my front porch. The smell of Tremont after the rain storm is something else. The positive charged ions in the air and the freshness of the trees... I miss my mountain view, I miss my mountain home. I hope that one day I can return there permanently. Illinois has been kind, it has taught me what I didnt want. It has taught me who I am not. It has taught me that I can reach and not fall, It has taught me a lesson, What the lesson is I am not sure. I would think that the harshness that I came across with this evening remains to be see.

I wish i could find the word explain... I wish her to have all the love that she deserves without being abused. I wish her to find someone to complete her circle, draw on her strengths and feed her ever loving passions. I want her to have the life that was stolen for her, I would willingly give up mine for hers, because she deserves the chances that I have squandereed.

....Rage.... Rage against the dying of the light.

if that fails... change your identity declare a new direction and fall for the next thing that walks through your door..

I am trying to recall a poem that I had written before... I will find it and post it here.... Too bad my old power book was tainted... The well of emotion is dry.


Thanks for commenting on my blog.. your words are like the laxative I needed. Remeber lies make the baby jesuses cry.

What do you get when you mix lots of darts, and discussions of the brown tone? Actually nothing... I was surfing for the existence of the tone that when heard causes one to evacuate ones' bowels. and I came across this:

First of all, it really should be ODORLESS. If it is foul, then there is food that is rotting throughout the digestive tract better known as fermentation or decomposition. Usually stems from Bad Combinations of Food (once again, that was one of the reasons for The Food Combining Guide" … to avoid this almost entirely.) or even drinking a lot of fluids when you eat which makes a terrible strain on optimum digestion.

The best CONSISTENCY would be like that of porridge or thick oatmeal.
It should not be hard and logy or loose and watery! If it's hard and logy, then not enough fiber (no, bran doesn't get it) in the diet. This is one of the hassles of eating meat…NO FIBER! This is where we came up with the saying, "Eat Greens with Proteins" and of course that will also coincide with the 3 Commandments of Food Combining.
Watery Stools mean Diarrhea or some other problem usually with food poisoning or the like.

And above all they should not FLOAT! Too much gas in the stool when it floats. So there goes that "Stinky Floaties" hypothesis! Her presentation was superb and I would hear her again, but the science of her physiology was poor at best.

It has to be QUICK and EFFORTLESS! And each of us can relate to the times when we are in the restrooms in a restaurant or any other public restroom where you think the walls are going to come tumbling down with the person in the stall going through some changes just trying to void themselves. Boy Howdy!

Sometimes I wonder if Sigmoid Freud got the pleasurable sensation of a good bowel movement mixed up with a sex thrill or somethin' other.

And as I have mentioned in our Audio Series when I interviewed the Great Dr. Frank Sabatino in which he commented that there should be a church called, "The Church of the Immovable Bowel"! It's sad but so true. One to two minutes is long enough. We don't want you dozin' and drulin' in there!

Now many times should we go each day? The correct answer to that would be EVERY TIME WE EAT! But at least twice a day would be very healthy. I guess that's where we probably get the term, "BEING REGULAR".

One more thing about the COLOR: It should represent the color of the food we ate. Spinach will naturally have a greenish color, Beets will definitely be red no matter what else you ate and Carrots will have that color as well. But a universal color would probably be Greenish, Yellowish with slight tint of Brown. Almost picturesque you might say.

But don't get your camera there might be someone waitng!

Even though I made light of this most important subject, I would like to suggest that we take a more conscious effort of how we feed ourselves as Colon Cancer is the third most commonly-occurring form of Cancer (in both men and women). And since Cancer is the second major killer in our country with it positively being diet related, then we can breathe a sigh of relief knowing, not wishing hoping or praying but knowing that we are in control of that devastating problem in our society.

Okay that comes from this link: The Mysteries of a Good KAKA POO POO

I was oddly drawn to this page... only because the author actually used the words, BOY HOWDEE

On a somwhat brighter note, I went to IKEA today. I brought the Patsy... by her request... It was her first time, and considering her health she made it all the way across the top floor. which is almost the equivalent to walking through Walmart a couple of times.. she managed to buy what everyone that goes the IKEA for the first time buys... the 1.99 package of AA battery and a NON-stick pan and a rug.... yes a rug.. I was proud of her, she bought something to counter-act the early eishenhauer period piece of a the house... Yikes. can I say yikes a little louder. YIKEs!~!

Got another interview in the works... The past is still as bleak as the future, but at least there is maybe.

I took care of Pandoras box. I have a really good thought. Lies make the baby jesuses cry. Lies. I also realized something really incredibly proufound. That is the place you leave is bound to change with time. There is very few exceptions to this rule. Scratch that I think is more of an axiom. The stream of time has somehow managed to create an envelop around Tremont PA, specifically the house. Time moves at half speed. Upon reentry to the normal flow of time your body must speed to up make the transition. Its not a connection that can be explained with words. Those who have experienced the beautiful thing clammor to return. The power of such a simple place heals all that walk through its arches. A simple abode that appears to be nothing from the street except a simple row home that draws space within to heal the family, or people that have become family, Forgiveness doesnt even needed to be asked for it is given without exception. Amazing to those who refuse to accept. You were fashionable sensitive, but too cool to care...... Some comment on the weather. Tearing me apart... and your thoughtless words are breaking my heart.... breaking my heart... That jewel interlude brought to you by the ressurection of my MP3 collection. It may not be as cool as some... but guess what It doesnt matter. I spent alot of time with the chairman..... Its cool to be considered a freind for a change as opposed to the cause of a problem. I think there is a possiblity to have another decade plus relationship.. To replace the broken ones that have caused, me to have that emptyness Wait not emptyness but the abscence of pain... Finally I am who I am without being judged. Its down to just the people in my immmediate family. Jealously direct and pissed because I am able express the feelings that have been buried for almost half a century. Why do you bother reading this? Why is it so important? Do you really think this about you? or your boyfriend? Whatever you need to tell yourself to act the way you are I feel sorrow for you. The grave you have dug for me is not going to be used today. I wouldnt give you that power of me and my future. No matter how much you want to hide behind self-actualization, Tony Robbins, Desousa, or any other human potential movement star you should develop your inner voice for yourself, Nobody else. Not cuz I say so, Not cuz Mommie or Daddie or anyone else says so. It doesnt matter if I ever see talk, or interact with again. The stains you have inflicted on your own soul is not my responsiblity to bear. Its yours. I can walk away with a clean conscience. and I can here the harumphing when you read this. Its okay, I think I am allowed to indulge. after all this is my blog, and the likely hood of me taking the blog down is almost non-existent. I like here, They like it here We all like it here, Nobody is forcing you to click your little Ibook and goto this page, how do I know, Conformity is something that comes very naturally to you. Free thought is not something that comes easy to you. What happens now that I am gone...whose the new villain? I am glad my tenure is gladly completed. I have discovered something in my sojurn to East coast and back. Life is made of choices and consquences. I have perfectly capable of owning up for the responsible for my actions. Can you say the same? No amount of psychology classes with give you the edge your looking for. Dont be foolish enough to make that mistake. Knowledge is only the first steping stone of enlightenment. I dont expect you to know this until you discover it on your own. I barely have the grasp of this and I have seen much more of the world's offerings. Age has a tendancy to do this to you. I want to thank you for teaching my the lessons that you have, Some of them are so simple that that you wouldnt even believe them if I mentioned them here. Some were so mind altering that I dont often offer this but the have changed the path of my life forever. Anyway this blog isnt always about you. Its not even always about me. I glad you were able to take down poopfish because you think I was reading to keep tabs on you. News flash my life is a bit more complicated than that. Personally your blog should be for you and you alone. What ever your convincing "YOU" are these days. All the negative rhetoric that is directed about me, is sad. My first impression was the correct one.

Much like bill clinton, history will be the judge of what has been said on behalf of everyone involved. I wish that you and yours get whatever you deserve. Plain simple, directly. Please do not continue to assume that my passiveness is weakness. I have an infinite amount of patience and when they are exhausted I will not act. I wont have to Time is the imortal equalizer. I will travel where I want when I want.
I dont need to compete for pity here. Life is what you make it. Families much like the spaces we try and hold together change, sometimes this change is not realized until its not too late. Walking into Downtown Disc made this crystal for me. With closing of their doors, I realize Dekalb much like me has changed its no longer the friendly place to live, I have outgrown the land of corn. Its almost to say, that playground no longer holds any interest. I thought it would be hard to come back and visit and relive memories of more than 10 years. and I figured out that is not who I am anymore. I say this for my own benefit. That pond is out of oxygen and its time to move into the ocean. My fond memories are rooted in Extreme sports boy, and Lincoln and Remos and Jenny and Sara and Matt, Ate Rhoda and all those people that made my stay @ NIU that much more richer.
Whatever, Fine, so be it. When I fell from the Pedestal and it broke and I woke up with a concussion, I realized that I have been on a two year path of self-involved binge fest. Thats over I am taking my resposiblity for the things I need and I going to weather the storm, No matter how much the manipulation of nature you think is possible the key is that the Achilles heel must be the same for me to fall. If you feel that is your only course of action so be it. I just want you to know I knew exactly when it all fell apart.... you do too, the connection was poisoned and it showed through... and I was too self involved to bother to revive it. Thats all in the past The question on the floor why bother with facade? I dont expect an answer, it doesnt matter, and I really dont care. Thats the best part of time, it does heal all wounds, and no matter how you think you have devisated my life, I have felt worse by much more important people.

I should manage to put in some metatags someday... I think its pretty cool the audience for the blog grows with the weeds in the yard. I think highest compliment I could be paid was to be told I had a touch of Hemmingway... At least I got some of the vital atttributes pegged...(tank-ass, High self opinion. etc) However I look at other's blogs any only think that mine my look too polished. After all, typos aside, my mood has not improved. Its still dark, its not for the past, but its for the future.

Found Pandoras box today.... I deliberating if I am going to open it. I think I just might. Beware.

So I just got back from a really good coffee with my friend. Among the important topics of discussion we feel that have a responsiblity to create a Top number of 80's films that everyone should see... Kinda like AFC Top 100... but I think much more relavant to us Gen Xers... There is a list started, but I will only publish this after we fully define our criteria. We also discussed doing a where are they now with a coulple of people. The person we thought of was the blonde haired dude that was in Karate Kid and Back to School as the Jock "villian" His name thanks to the IMDB website is William Zabka... or Billy Zabka and apparently he is still getting work... I think I already know too much about this guy... Yikes... Theres also a motion on the floor to start this 80's list with 1978, because too many movies were really good in 78 and 79. Although looking some of the movies that I thought were 78-79 were actually 1980 (Blues Brothers) if you have any criteria ideas submit them here or email them to me... Anyway... Its always good to get a kick in the pants from my friend she reminds me that I have a brain and I need to use it more often. Uncomplicate my life, and remove those things(people) that make me angery, sad etc, and fill it with people who dont. Thanx......

What a great party. That was sooo much fun. I spoke to an old friend this morning, and she worried because our ships kept passing in the night. Talk about enlightend conversations. She is always good for taking the conventional turning it on its ear and making you look at things skewed. She is like Bifocals for my SCOT VISION. She too is on trial with jesus, along with not being saved... I think that we should rent the microbus... fill it with some good libations(see I can use 50 dollar words tooo) and hoist a few.... (Shout out to the made for TV movie star and his extreme sports.) and Drive it straight to Hell. Because we had a discovery, that you can do and say anything you like if your saved by Jesus... Accept Jesus Christ as your lord and savior... Things I also learned that families are NUTS. The best thing I love about my Kimmmiiiiieeee is that is probably one of my most smartest friends, who is intellegent enough to see people for who they really are, are dont need to biased to make their own judgements.

So I am going to blantantly steal this from a much wiser person than I. Here goes:


Revelation of the day
. . .pondered while I was in the pond. . .

A revision of an old proverb:

- Boring people talk about themselves.

- Insecure people talk about others.

- Conspicuous consumers talk about things.

- Educated people talk about books.

- Intelligent people talk about ideas.

- Enlightened people don't talk much. They listen.




We're all at least a little of each.


Goo Kimmmmmeeee Go...... Kimmeeee

If you have come back to town to take stock of your life, I say leave your livestock alone, Its past. Look toward the future. This coming from a man now dressed in a TOOGA.... TOGA TOGA TOGA!!! yesh I am headed to a toga party. Hopefully, I wont get blasted too hard and end up flashing the boys to everyone like when I dressed as Brittany Spears.... memories right kids thats always something we all wanna remember? Anyway... gotta give credit to Minnie Driver again... Wow, isnt my life pathetic. At least I dont wish I drowned on the titanic, because of daft bitch hogging a big ole victorian door. According to my friends I am broken and I can not not provide sympathy sufficiently... wooosh... off to the party... I only wait for Dingy and the Limbo.... or Horny Goatee Weed.

As I was pushed through a plate glass window this morning at three am. Or at least thats what it felt like when I heard my cell phone ring in my dream and all the quiet was broken, My thoughts were no longer my own, I felt the cold harsh reality of night touch my expose foot from under my covers and I realized that my phone had rung, Panicked, no knowing which bed I awoke from, I jump out of bed and flew across the room and realized that I was stuck in Glendale Heights, somehow miraclously I would have thought that Tremont or even DeKalb would have been. I think that symbolically DeKalb represents the past, and Tremont represents the future. Glendale Heights maybe limbo, maybe something else, I am not really sure, I did know however I didnt want to be woken up to be informed that McDonalds didnt not serve a full menu at 3am. I guess that gets filed in the useless fact section of my brain. Whaddaya thunk? I also finally was able to purchase one of my favorite movies, Grosse Pointe Blank. and To quote the great Minnie Driver, Where are all the good men dead...in the Heart or in the Head?.....
I sit here watching bad PBS, and pondering this question further: Will I ever reach enough escape velocity from here to get away from all of this? I like the analogy of the plate glass window. I was informed this week that I was on trial with God for my indisgessions, to this I say, "SMITE me almighty SMITER!" who cares if its spelled right or not?
Its been such a long time that someone has wanted to fix me. Fix me for all the wrong reasons: THIS JUST IN:::::: psycho beach party has started.... and me without my sunscreen.... more on that later.

I was cubed tonight. That was pretty scary. For those of you have never been cubed I found it highly worthwhile. I shared some of my writing, I was told I had a touch of Hemmingway. I was flattered.... I dont think Hemmingway and I should be compared, I just write things I think about everyday. A field of black orchids. A stable of nightmares. Dreams of undying pain and sadness. Will you make it stop? If you know how call here. I think you know the number if not, then call information the number is in the book under: Forget about it. thats right forget about it.

Funny as it may seem, The primary audience for this blog is myself. Those few people that actually have this link, may think that its all about them, and it really isnt. Its about me. Its about how I move through this world and the damage I choose to inflict on the planet. I can honestly say that I hope all of you enjoy this prose, it makes me feel more centered, its like a true friend, unconditionally I can write whatever I want and it is okay, no judgements, no scars, No lies. Its all me. So get over yourself, its not always all about you, Its just simply why things are this way. Comment if you dare, I really dont think your able, because if you did you would have to deal with the lies and deceit that you have created.

Why do I even bother?

Time to take responsiblity for my actions. It is my fault I am alone. It is my fault I am jobless. It is my fault that I have No Friends, It is my fault that I am alone, It is my fault that I am unemployable, It is my fault that my "friends" laugh about me behind my back, It is my fault that I am on trial with Jesus, It is my fault that I have no focus in my life. It my fault that my life has no direction and that I am living other peoples lives. It is my fault that I am alone. It is my fault that my family is broken apart, It is my fault that I am alone, broke and penniless, It is my fault that the only happiness I have ever had I left slip through my hands thrice. Kim is all my fault, Krista, Amy, Amy, Becky,Marci, Charlotte,Mary are all My fault. Its my fault that my back is in pain, Its my fault that Linda lost the list for the materials, Its my fault my grandmother didnt live, Its my fault that my mother is sick, its my fault that I have no relationship with my brother, its my fault I am alone, Its my fault that I drove everyone close to me away to protect myself, Its my fault that your not happy, its my fault that you were played, Its my fault I was played, Its my fault that the computer didnt work, Its my fault it rained, its my fault the clutch went, its my fault that Dennis went insane its my fault that Brenda and Patsy are not talking, Its my fault. This road I have put myself on is my own doing. I can not blame anyone but the man in the mirror.
Having said this Its time to say goodnight.

I wanna take the time to pay homage to some really great Blasting I found:

You'll breathe as free as you want, and keep on declaring, because you're speaking blindly to an open crowd that couldn't possibly care if I live or don't already.
~~~ Is this a cry for help or an advertisment for Teen Suicide Hotline... you tell me?.. How does one speak blindly? Wouldnt not be Speaking to a deaf crowd?

You're just too obsessed with losing and being the inferior one that your ego has burst.
~~~ Its not that my ego burst, Your just pissed because the half-assed voodoo that you work on all those poor shlups in Schuykill County doesnt work on me or my friends. I didnt jump like the mindless rabble that have following you. Please if anyone else has to live through one of your empty and hollow proclamations, empty threats to eldery women on their death beds. Wow your so intellengent, I wish I could live in Mediocrity like you? Tell me does Tiff, err wait, unhun Megan know about your dirty little cheating secret? Hmmmm... I bet she'd like to know that....
It's ok to cry, we all know you didn't love your dad, and we all saw through your plasticity (as you coined it so wondefully) at the services and the repetitive moronathon that was your fake sadness
~~ The great thing about my dad is that he knew I loved him. As for speaking to my plasticity, How about you Mr. They wont let me read what I want at the funeral so I will pout. Your one pathetic repressed Mother Fucker. Its sad. Fake sadness: I think the best example of this is that I saw our grandparents more than you and I lived 800 miles away. ..."The only people that mattered our now buried in the side of the hill" Revisionist history, you could be bother with them when they were alive so now you will mourn them? Your pathetic, the cool thing is you will carry that pain around for the rest of your life, Daddy see daddy do. Keep vigil at the grave when you could have celebrated their lives you prefer to celebrate their death... Yes you are right there was only 1 brazzo. and No clones. I am myself. Does the fac so tough you would face me.... instead you prefer to snipe. Grow up you little bitch, Fucking tree hugger wanna be.... t that I live in Tremont by choice piss you off? or the fact that I can move about the country aggrevate you? If you were

(Don't forget to give that dog you call an eight year college degree in "communications" a cookie!! Here boy! Here! Wait...which is the dog really?

~~ Your not done yet talk to me when you have a BA/BS.. Those people who live in glass houses just shouldnt. Obviously you havent realized that Patsy is better at slinging mud that Anyone one in your family. Yes I am a dog. you caught me.

Can you imagine driving someone to create such of hatred. Wow. I would love to Mystery Science Theater this post, but its shear artistry is worth commenting alone

very large headed hairy mongloid children with a twist of asian influnence. Thats what I see in the future. Some people think lifes' a bitch I think in this case genetics are.

Hey the posts have slowed down but I havent. A suspicous virus after the last string of posts. Is dishonesty a virus that infects us all? I wonder sometimes, I think it takes more energy to lie than it does to just simply tell the truth. I have a message for those who seek the truth. It was truly a sad day when I realized that you were ugly on the inside. No matter how much you try to fill the hole that lies in your soul you will never, because that hole is there to remind you that you are a sum of your experiences. Its much better than Kharma you see, Kharma is kind, that type of stain, or whole will never be filled no matter how much mea culpa is offered.

One of my very close friends informed me of something really really really really really funny. Not only do they know bannana hands they were his "special guest" the last time he was in town. After a long ardious conversation about Mr. Hands I came to yet another conclusion. Those who can, Do, Those who cant goto Bananna Hands seminars.

Hmmm... I am very suspect of getting a virus after my last series of posts. Yet another close friend caught their signifigant other lying and Cheating. I would know NOTHING about that......

Wow, talk about a fuctup day. A distress call, and being blown off durring the distress. Wow, this person will never learn... They think Kharma has been paid back, and well, she just did it agin. Its kinda fuct up. I was really hurt, and dissappointed but I put it into prespective, it amazing how taken for granted I have become. I think that is what is sad... I think this person should be written off. Maybe thats what this I need to disappear again this just confirmed there is NOTHING left for me here...except for the dog, Wow thunder is amazing... fifteen minutes with that mutt and I felt so much happier. More and More and More interviews. Maybe a job soon.

Strategies for Creating an Ordinary Life:

1.Lose your inner voice
2.Be satisfied with Medicocrity
3.Experiment with powers your Mind could possibly understand
4.Fuck with Kharma, Carma, Karma
5.Realize that the pain you inflict to others will someday be the pain you receieve.
6.Convince yourself by being taken advantage of your limiting your NOT posibilties.
7.Realize that Alice Walker was right when she wrote: Until you do right by me.... Everything you think of will fail.... Everything.
8.Much like IKEA furniture other swedish products look pretty on the surface but when put to the test fail miserably. I think you could say the same about people
9.Statistical Analsysis is just that manipulation of the numbers and you dont need an engineernerding degree to understand it.
10.Sometimes root cause isnt root cause.
11.In a desparate effort to be different one can loose their identitity in favor
12.If is also probably the most powerful word in the English language....maybe....
13. A good sidestep to achieving sucess is to take the short cut to mediocrity.

Please send me 999.99 for a complete set of Cds, and DVDs. If you add an additional DNA sample I will autograph the Set personally with my banana hands. or call 1-900-RU-NAIVE Operators are standing BY....

When something is too good to be true then it probably is. The valleys that were once filled with my tears are lush and green and plentiful. I wish you the best on your chosen path. as being an expert in being self-agrandizing when you need to use fifty dollar words words when a fifty cent word fits... show how little you grasp the message. Words are the crutches for disceprentant emotions...SEE SEE I just proved my point... nobody would use the word Discrepant in normal common language. Common language yes... because we all know when your head swells and the excess brain pressure is NOT relieved brain damage can occur. well multisyllabic words spoken here are needed to explain the story I believe. I could take a mental short cut and sum it up like this: If you have a swollen head, feel that your shit dont stink,(lean a little closer because roses really smell like booo oooo oooo) THANX ORACLE. and are trying desparately to fit your life into script, Its not going to get much better than it is now.
QUESTION FOR THE DAY?
If your given everything life, and have no concept of what it is not do something to please the provider of your life do you have the right to judge someone who pays their way and is sucessful on their own? A fan club is only good if you can keep up the rouse.... are you up to the challenge?

My muse has returned... Too bad the builder isnt around to appreciate it. The venomous me is back. but in a much more eliqouent way. Sometimes you just got to realize that that fancy foreign car that lust after so much is nothing more than a Shifty General Motors product marketed to midgets of the mental variety.

Does anyone read this? or are you all too busy out having your new cars washed? I am glad that the old addage still rings true: If you cant suceed, Settle for the next best thing. I hope my metatags are finding the auidence that I am so looking for...

Question of the DAY:
When you realize that you adjust yourself with the audience that your currently with does that make you a sell out or just plain small minded? Chamelions have NOTHING on you. I think you know who you are. at least the Blah Blah has come to terms with what she is going to become... can you say the same?

This blog has taken on a bit more of a sinister tone as of late. I think the mental flushing of the toliet has caused this. The further I get away from D day the better I feel about it. I do not understand why the extra effort in an attempt to destroy myself. That is what is sad. Thank god I got off the its all about me train. I can go back to assuming the role that I am expected have. First thing on the list is to set things straight in the family. Look out pilot here I come.

Driving home from the Cineaplex, I discovered how much a clear moon lite night makes me remember all things I try to forget. I remember how much I would like to tell everyone in my life that has pissed me off where to go and how to go there. I also discovered a few other cool inventions, Restraint for one, Know I have the ability to affect a change against my agressor(s) ***Newly Added*** I would have only said a agressor, but I have a good friend in the know... that well knows... I think deep down My friend is hoping that the dog comes off the porch to play. I picture den of mediocrity, a haven in which such witty topics of sucess are discussed, and whatever the latest craze in PMA that can be bastardized to the mindless drone of business person seeking sucess, Soft science indeed, I would think at the discipline is nothing more than a good pharse. Think outside the box, As long as your box is lined with 100 bills that notion is fine. I have discovered something, The bashing and trashing of me is nothing new. Seeking to harm me either. This experience is one that reminds me of blah blah and the builder, Nothing more than two discards desparate to convince themselves of their own self-worth. I often speak of karma. I truly believe that Karma makes everything better. All the time the vampire wasnt out there..... There vampire was within, right underneath my nose, and all of judgement I ignored. trying to convince myself of an other good intention.

As I lay on the beach I had a dream about you lying beneath the ocean of the sky. My soul begs for relief as the sky opens up and your tears fall upon me. You smile at me, and I know that what was once undo will be done. Where you simply breaking character or did you mean what you said when you said what you did? Of course, Time has never this kind to us. Time has never been an enemy. Time allowed us to walk down that path that day. The path that started in the dark and before we knew it we were standing at the top of the world. From above I looked at the stars and I saw the beauty in your eyes. When you look back at me you look deep into my eyes and saw nothing, an abscence of anything... in a instant I was transported by time to a place allowed me to be free without worry complaint or illness. Will you there on the otherside for me? Will they be there to meet you? Will time still be your friend, can you escape these bonds and still remember me? remember us? It would arrogant for me to think that Time will remain my friend. Realism dictates Time is nobodies friend more a concept of distance between this moment and the last. Distance from then to now. I seek and so ye find, I visited the river tonight. It is about to crest, and it is Time to wash the heartache and sadness away. A chance meeting with a new friend found an age old story being told. Thanks for your help, through you, I find a peace that is everlasting.

Oops I was posting lyrics, but that thought needed to be entered. Barren with the fields be. I know you know what I mean. What you want the most you shall never have.

Anyway heres what the fictious Rose Sang:


"The Rose"

Some say love, it is a river
that drowns the tender reed.
Some say love, it is a razor
that leaves your soul to bleed.
Some say love, it is a hunger,
an endless aching need.
I say love, it is a flower,
and you its only seed.

It's the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance.
It's the dream afraid of waking
that never takes the chance.
It's the one who won't be taken,
who cannot seem to give,
and the soul afraid of dyin'
that never learns to live.

When the night has been too lonely
and the road has been to long,
and you think that love is only
for the lucky and the strong,
just remember in the winter
far beneath the bitter snows
lies the seed that with the sun's love
in the spring becomes the rose.

Okay I dont know what is happening to this blog. but I feel the need to post the lyrics to the Rose. Yikes first the bible, then Dylan Thomas, I must be getting soft in my old age, either that or introspective. The cool thing is about this growth is I didnt have to pay for it. I didnt have to sit in some holiday inn at 1200 dollars a head for three days spouting off hacked up psychological theory, I dont need to overcompensate for jealousy of my sibling, I dont need to buy expensive things to complete my life. High School is over for me. I had friends in High School, that I DIDNT HAVE TO PAY to be my friend. My thoughts of the institution of marriage Will NOT be replicated because My parents on the surface have some idealic existence, I am creative enough to cut my own path. I am responsible enough to make my own money, My own dreams, and be Realistic to know Life isnt fair, Having had to survive on my own and NOT live off my parents Teet, I could see how someone who didnt would I am Negative, Realism is never nor positive it just is.
For being as omnipotent as your, you should know the affects you have on others come at a cost. Weight can be lost, minds can be healed, but no amount of plastic surgery can fix your problems.
The victory in war is only worth winning if The Spoils of War are not SPOILED.
Trailer trash doesnt need to live in a trailer or have a low income, occasionally you find it down in the suburbs of Chicago.

I know this email has made its way around a couple of times but I think I like it because it reminds me of my Grandma, or maybe my aunt. I share it hear because I think the meaning is very powerful:

Lovely Rose at 87

The first day of school our professor
introduced himself and challenged
us to get to know someone we didn't already
know. I stood up to look
around when a gentle hand touched my
shoulder.

I turned around to find a wrinkled, little
old lady beaming up at me with
a smile that lit up her entire being. She
said, "Hi handsome. My name is
Rose.

I'm eighty-seven years old. Can I give you a
hug?"

I laughed and enthusiastically responded,
"Of course you may!" and she
gave me a giant squeeze.

"Why are you in college at such a young,
innocent age?" I asked.
She jokingly replied, "I'm here to meet a
rich husband, get married, and
have a couple of kids..."

"No seriously," I asked. I was curious what
may have motivated her to be
taking on this challenge at her age.

"I always dreamed of having a college
education and now I'm getting one!"
she told me.

After class we walked to the student union
building and shared a
chocolate milkshake.

We became instant friends. Every day for the
next three months we would
leave class together and talk nonstop. I was
always mesmerized listening
to this "time machine" as she shared her
wisdom and experience with me.

Over the course of the year, Rose became a
campus icon and she easily
made friends wherever she went.

She loved to dress up and she reveled in the
attention bestowed upon her
from the other students. She was living it
up.

At the end of the semester we invited Rose
to speak at our football banquet.

I'll never forget what she taught us. She
was introduced and stepped up
to the podium. As she began to deliver her
prepared speech, she dropped
her three by five cards on the floor.

Frustrated and a little embarrassed she
leaned into the microphone and
simply said, "I'm sorry I'm so jittery. I
gave up beer for Lent and this
whiskey is killing me! I'll never get my
speech back in order so let me
just tell you what I know."

As we laughed she cleared her throat and
began, "We do not stop playing
because we are old; we grow old because we
stop playing.

There are only four secrets to staying
young, being happy, and achieving
success. You have to laugh and find humor
every day You've got to have a
dream. When you lose your dreams, you die.

We have so many people walking around who
are dead and don't even know it!

There is a huge difference between growing
older and growing up.

If you are nineteen years old and lie in bed
for one full year and don't do
one productive thing, you will turn twenty
years old. If I am eighty-seven
years old and stay in bed for a year and
never do anything I will turn eighty-eight.

Anybody can grow older. That doesn't take
any talent or ability. The idea
is to grow up by always finding opportunity
in change. Have no regrets.

The elderly usually don't have regrets for
what we did, but rather for
things we did not do. The only people who
fear death are those with regrets."

She concluded her speech by courageously
singing "The Rose."

She challenged each of us to study the
lyrics and live them out in our daily lives.

At the year's end Rose finished the college
degree she had begun all those years ago.

One week after graduation Rose died
peacefully in her sleep.

Over two thousand college students attended
her funeral in tribute to the
wonderful woman who taught by example that
it's never too late to be all you can possibly be.

When you finish reading this, please send
this peaceful word of advice to
your friends and family, they'll really
enjoy it!

These words have been passed along in loving
memory of ROSE.

REMEMBER, GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.

We make a Living by what we get, We make a Life by
what we give.

God promises a safe landing, not a calm
passage. If God brings you to
it, He will bring you through it.


....."Good friends are like stars........You
don't always see them, but you
know they are always there."

I welcome the challenge that this day brings me. Gone are the concerns of the past. No longer will my past haunt me. No longer will the string which have held me control my actions. To all my enemies I wish nothing but the best for you, Any further ill will you wish me I feel sorry for you. I born in Chaos, I live in Chaos, I thrive in Chaos. Thanks for reminding me. Thanks for helping not make the biggest mistake in my life. Your the best thing that never happened to me. Because of you I almost missed out making a really good friend. Appearances are not always how they seem, your a good example of this. With the full I renew my hope in that my happiness it two-fold: Internal, and eternal, both of which can be no- one but myself can control.

Interesting dream. No really. Dream I am talking to somebody on the phone and wake up to the phone ringing to the person I was talking to in my dream, How often does that happen. And the information in the dream and phone call were indentical. Its a wonder how things happen like that. I wonder what act in the master plan we are in? I would really hate if my life was a scripted as others. Hmmmm......

Full moon tonight. Its amazing how much wierd things happen. I was sitting in the bar, and I looked up at moon. and I thought, Wow you really need to better than that. Apathy is the glove that the Devil slips his hand into, Thanks Dean Verner for those words of advise.

Sitting in Fuddruckers today, I realized that I am tired of interviewing for the wrong job. Today was the worstest I have experienced yet. No purchasing agent for me. Can we say boring............. Yikes... I am so worried I wont find something that I will broke and alone... What I am going to do...

I see a patern developing here. Dissappear from your oppressor, Find a new champion, suck the life from him, and Discard. It reads almost like shampoo instructions doesnt it? Rinse, Lather Repeat. I can find comfort in knowing that everyone one day becomes their parents in some peoples cases, hmmmm.. like mine I welcome it, but in some other peoples misfortune I feel like kharma will bite them in the ASS. My, My the old addage will once again ring true. Time has a funny way of working itself out.

Hmmm... Another holiday weeekend in the bag. Hmmmm... key discoveries I have learned this weekend:

1. Always trust good friends.
2. Let go sometimes. Its good for the soul.
3. Being a single parent makes you the 2nd most busiest person in the world.
4. Pizza Hut pepperoni causes bad gas.
5. Liars never prosper.
6. Kharma works too slow occasionally the kharma hit is worth the amusement you recieve.
7. Forgivness is overated.
8. Pennsylvania makes me happy. Illinois makes me Wonder why.
9. People over sixty should not have to watch Lord of the Rings...in ANY incarnation.
10. In yet another instance of my life, My easy going nature has been confused for weakness.

I refuse to let my muse disappear. Empty Rhetoric for a dying age. I wonder how soon the replacement will suffer the same fate as I? I love a good script. Ironically, someone that was so concerned with being successful settled for at best mediocrity, I live to fight another day. My path is set towards the future, and with the willing spirit, I look back at the past and laugh.

Mission Accomplished. I hope you get what you deserve. Remember though, Karma is often paid back ten-fold. You havent even begun to see what Chaos is all about.

So much of the past likes to turn around and bit you in the ass when you think about it. For instance, I have this really kick ass stereo that I paid almost nothing for and I believe to this day that my ex-roomate. Not the Builder, the Effeminate Psycho-therapist stole from me because, I made him move, or at least thats what he thought. Because I refused to move into a smaller apartment and pay more rent, so he could get a fish tank. To add insult to injury the Bitch thought he would power play me and he and his now defuncted girlfriend, from here on out Big Tittie girl liked playing house and I unfortunately was the babysitter. YIKES... anyway.. I am hopefully about ready to win a replacement remote control so my lazyness can be complete.

Update I just won my remote. my day is looking up. I think. Do I go out or just stay here I think I know the answer to that.

Okay I just got back from some of the bestest Food on the Planet: Gene and Judes hotdogs. complemented with the greatest Fruit Punch on the planet Tahiatian Treat. For those of you who dont know either They are truly a chicago orignal.

Some key ideas that came from tonight's sojurn:

Its not overly bad to look into your past and forgive and forget.

One of my biggest faults is that I Dont say the things I should and DO say the things I shouldnt.

Boxer Briefs are not for nancy-boys anymore. (Dont fret: I will never give up the Big Dogs.) Although the Big Dogs are not quite as big anymore :P.

Middle-aged women lust after effinminate carpenters because there husbands are too busy playing golf, and smoking falic-like cigars.

Too much sugar+ Unruly outlet mall crowds and only 2.5 hours of sleep make me Cranky, okay extremely more crankier than usual.

In almost six months of dating, I only blasted my friends significant other once. hehehehe.. to their face... j/k.

There should be a new game out find the hidden homosexual agenda in Shrek 2. Jerry Fawell get your hands off Tinky winky and report for duty...

and if all else fails.

Rename yourself Todd or Loraine, and join the buffet.

I didnt even make it to bed but I had this awesome vision, I was standing at the end of the hallway and it occured to me that If I could somehow run past my body, and into free space I could become free I float within the night and it would make me feel ALIVE, more alive than I have been In an AGE. I dreamed of her again. Her eyes are enblazed in my seoul. I cannot take a breath without first wondering if she is here with me. YUK, meladrama must be the order of the day. But when all is said and done, Guess who is the truly gifted one in this clan. I say Fuck the future, it will take care of itself. Its the past I am worried about, because somehow, someway the past has a way of bitting you in the ASS!

I need to know.... should I change my profile pix? I doesnt do me justice... beside Scot+suit= never a good thing

Ironic isnt it. Interview resheduled due to holiday weekend. Its amazing how much laziness creeps in when it comes to holiday weekends. But the sheduler made it a point to mention how much this dickhead wants to speak to me. Yikes, crow may still be on the menu. I think back to year ago, and how much I have changed. We all have really. The stress of graduating is over, The stress of living in the now is here. I often wonder how much of this could have been avoided if I would have been honest with myself in the begining of 2003. I should have known better to make a deal that I know I would break with myself. I found myself tonight crying for no particular reason, and before I hear anyshit about being a male and crying, I think that Its better to be in touch with your feeling rather than try and hide them, that never ends well. I wished for one thing in July of 1996. I wanted a decade free of grief. I didnt even get five years. I guess I am going to whine tonight. I thought I would feel better If I drank a blue moon. no such luck, it reminded me of a very free but scary time.
No witty proverbs here, No slickass glances across the way. I am here, and I am real. It very easy to look at life when you dont live it and criticize. Everyone has a story of pain. Everyone hurts, Everyone bleeds. Sometimes the hurt you cause is intentional, sometimes its accidental, sometimes its a result of miscommunication.

I often wonder what would have happened if you really knew the truth? The walls that I built for you both have never been higher. I would gladly let you in if you wanted but your too busy deciding how much wrong I am than how much I right I would be. Funny thing is

I dont even think you know I am talking about us. Us is such a interestingly painful concept. Us is like, being willing to sneak into the hospital when your 73 and having your heart attack. after visting hours are up and bringing you your favorite ice cream. Us is playing that song that you hate but I love just because it makes my heart skip a beat when I see you. US..... What is us Really?

I was driven around tonight with a bunch of cds that I made. Talk about an archive of Sad music. I would quote something, but its all sad. Pour on the cure, I need some Love Song... Actually my favorite Cure Song is Pictures of you... 7 mins 2 seconds long... thats probably why you hear it on the radio much anymore.

Whats your Favorite Sad Song? Bang, Bang, Bang, Is this thing on? Do you even know I exist? What happened to that spark? I was broken, I am hole, and I dare you to come fuck with me. Tremont is my home. Nobody drives me from my home. I am hiatus currently but I will be back. I wont be alone. Then you will see what it feels not to be free. Cry baby. How does it feel to be poor white Trash??!

Well where do I start. Well, I guess I should start with Evolution, not the car, not the theory. The movie. Something about Julianne Moore makes the movie fun. Its now almost 3am and I thought I was going to sleep. If I could master removing the pain in my back that acts up everytime I get stressed out I would a much happier person. In just a little of nine hours I will have to be in Lake Forest to interview for a posistion I dont want, Dont need and have to eat crow while doing it. I have a pretty interesting quandry that I face here. I should back up a bit and talk about the situation. For those of you dont know I was laid off because my Company eliminated an entire nationwide team of Six Sigma GreenBelts because they re-defined the job description to include a degree in Industrial engineering. Resulting in a layoff for the entire team save two people. Me NOT included. So I find myself with an opportunity to move to the place I have always wanted to live, and I am happy. The events of the previous years have weighed on my to the point of shear and udder depression. The further away I get from the event the more I realize how much it affected me, and affected how I was dealing with the rest of the world. In talking to a friend of mine the other night, she told me that I had almost overnight because the most self-centered egomanical Prick. Thats posed a great problem for everyone around me that I provide their "rock" of stablility because the very bed rock that they relyed on was crumbling to dust beneath their heels. I seem to find tagents alot. But I think the quote from Edward Bloom, Hero of Big Fish fits here pretty well, ".... I havent forgot, I was workin on a tangent, you see the thing about most people they will tell a story from begining to end without and tangent and it will lack flavor. or something like that.. I guess you have to see the movie, but its when William's Wife is asking to take his picture. Anyway so that brings me to eight hours and a half from now. I have a triple interview for a posistion that is down step for me. To make matters worse, the posistion would require me to work for another person at Grainger whom I have had very strong disagreements with in the past. This person in question was the type of guy that was picked on so much in High School that now that he has some power he wields as if he is slaying the "evil Dragon". People that think they are smart and decide to belittle the underlings I have NO respect for. Well this joker no only insulted me personally, he insulted my manager, my lead and my other co-workers, The second strike this pencil neck has is that even when proven wrong he still maintains he is without fault. So I know find myself having to interview for a posistion in which he would be my direct supervisor. How does one handle a situation like this? Do you eat crow? Do you cancel the interview? Hmmmmm.. I have yet to decide what works as the best in this situation... I really dont know what to do. I will prevail either way... what every my decision, It will be the right one. Quotes like, to thyne on self be true... come to mind...

Am I that desparate for job... Should I work on my first ulcer before thirty. I dont think so, I think I would rather go back to a warehouse, and have less responsibilty and get my mountain back.
My mother's health is the major factor in me staying her. I knew this wasnt the last year(s) of her life I would have never come home.

Someone called me tonight scared and worried I hope they are okay.

I also got this really interesting email... Thanks for the message from Matt... I am going to share it with yawl now:

Have you ever heard a child say, “Hey, that’s not fair”? Sure you have. Well from now on you can quote this famous philosopher. You just tell them this,


“The worst form of inequality is to try to make unequal things equal.”

(Aristotle)

I am sure they will understand.

Pour out my soul late in to the night. I can only try to figure what direction my life should go. Should I continue to Rage?

Since I have returned to Illinois for this visit, I conclude that somes its better to just let go. My soul hurts. This pain hasnt been like this in almost a decade. Time has reset itself and I am again put on this path. I knew this eight months ago, and my reluctance to accept my fate only caused me so much more pain that it should have. Had I let go, and stopped raging I would not be where I sit today. Broke, Alone, and wishing for a chance to start anew.

Dylan Thomas’ “Do Not Go Gentle into That Good Night”



Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

I do wonder about something. Why all the silence? The biggest lesson the longer you try to silence the past the louder the screaming your dreams when you sleep. I think you know what I mean.

It seems almost too wierd to access this blog everyday and write something. The wonders of having a computer at my disposal again is quite wierd. Hmmmm....

Anyway, Last night I spent the evening with a old friend who alot of people thought would never get her shit together. Well, She is 28 years old has a 6 year old daughter and owns her own home. Brand new construction. I couldnt believe it. I am so proud of her for making when everyone around her told her she couldnt. It was wierd to sit at her house and watch movies and talk. It was like time stood still and it was 1994 all over again. Its wierd the people that stay attached to you for one reason or another, and when you dont really think that have an effect on someones; life until you really talk to them. An unassuming comment or just a simple phone call may made the difference in their existence. I dont want to get all it was the best of times bullshit, because that would be more REVISIONIST history. Because my friend and I certainly fought. Funny thing though, is, that we never really lost contact. She is the type of friend that no matter how broke she is she would give the shirt off her back to help you. I am trying to find a common thread here with all the people I call friends. What makes them important to me? why after a decade to they consider worthy of their very precious time? As the rain is pounding on my window now the rhythm reminds that I can be that dreamer, I can let go of everything I hold dear if only for a moment to catch my breath and remember what fun used to be.

Now that is out my system, I was just sitting here in my very humid house thinking of the Indigo Girls. Oddly enough I was driving home from the city tonight and I heard a song that wasnt by the Indigo Girls but it reminded me of my married friends. August 9,1999 they wed. Just one short year before that the met because of me. Sara was reeling from being broken up with my xfriend joe, and Mike was a new lab partner in physics class. A couple of BBQs later they moved in together and married just shortly after that. Anyway getting back to the Indigo Girls. They did a cover of Romeo and Juliet, and this song came alive. Dire straits may have first recorded but The Indigo girls perfected it. I often think of this song. I havent a clue why. It has nothing to do with love's lost I think. I think its more about a time in my life that I was in that much pain... A pain that I will never recover from, because It happened almost a decade ago. With time are we not all supposed to mellow? I find as time goes on I look at the past and to quote Baz Lehrman: Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it.
Advice is a form of nostalgia.
Dispensing it is a way of wishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling for more than it's worth.

Maybe this ties in with the idea of revisionist history... No I know it does.. and I know one thing pretty well. I am an asshole. Pompus to the core and I dont think will ever change, This last statement contradicts a previous one. Change or die. Okay I change but I am often misunderstood. The pedestal that I fell from was inevitable. I am broken I have shattered and nobody has bothered to get the dustpan and sweep me up.

It hit my mind like a loud thunderclap. Maybe it was the events of the evening that brought me to this stark realization. No matter how much I try to stave off change.. It happens. A really smart person once told me that I had only two choices, Live or die you cant avoid either. I guess you can avoid living if you really choose to separate yourself out of the main stream of consciousness I know I have written about change before but maybe this because that’s been the only constant in my life.

Tonight I shared some hand cut mozzella sticks with a good friend and we discussed The events that are about ready to unfold before us. How much 2004 maybe 1996. or even 1995. I was asked if I was up to the challenge. I think I say, bring it…. That’s what I do best.

Thank God for Carol Mills, for without her I would have never had the pleasure of reading Irvin Goffman presentation of self in every day life…. Or to a lesser extent Berger and Luckmans Social construction of reality. Such silly basic concept these present to oneself. Its as if these authors figured out a way to tap into everyone’s mind eye to WAIT…. What I am saying… what a total line of bullshit. I cant be possibly writing this…. Godamnit… this post is almost as derailed the Funerals post. Time has been my enemy and my friend lately. I can believe this bullshit that I am writing….

What I really want to talk about is REVISIONIST History.

It amazes me how much people like to rewrite the events of the past so they can make themselves feel better. To me it seems like if we can live in our own little self-created universe that if we prevent the intersection ours with reality life can be blissfully ignorant of the pain of time.

My uncle and aunt and mistake of a son, have proven their perfection of this. I have never seen such a projection of guilt than what is going on there. I did learn something valuable from them all. Truth is what we believe it is. I cannot believe the level of jealous my cousin has stooped to because he thinks that I am “sponging” off his god parents, also my aunt and uncle like he did for the first 19 years of his life. Maybe if he learned that you get back 100 times what you give he would not be such a sad little boy. Sounds like jealousy to me. In fact could it be that his 12.00 an hour job is enough to support his spending habits and Keep his live-in girlfriend happy? I would think not, I mean after all you need to spend at least 30 dollars a week on lotto tickets. I know it would wreck the completion of the familial cycle he so desperately wants mimic. STOP

I need to address the MIMIC aspect here. I have never met someone so good at emulating other people.. The so Called superhero of the week phenon.. I have spoken of in the past. Just because you played at being Hannibal little boy does not make you him. Or is it solid snake? Or is it liquid. Spiderman or Batman? You almost need the local movie listing to figure out what character your going to get. Dennis the Blue? Yee haw.. you are original…. I would have NEVER thought of something that creative. If I am so much distasteful then why still mimic me to this day? This is the part I am confused about. As for Chicago, whatzamatta? Couldn’t hack it in the big city little boy? Wow it only took you 18 years to become your father…. His revisionist History sounds a lot like yours… Weak and pathetic… and if I may have direct quote here, source, from one of several insipid AOL messages … The only two people that matter are now buried in the hill” Please I think this is nothing more that guilt speaking here, because when it DID matter, and you could make a difference YOU chose not to. I lived almost 800 hundred miles away managed to see, talk to be around and care about them more than you did and you lived and 1/8 of a mile away. The cool thing about this whole situation was I able to make peace with them before they passed. How about you? So because you and your “Daddy” missed the boat we have to all pay for that…. I don’t think so bucky… Speaking of being the youngest child, at 50+ years I think its time for your Daddy to grow up. Its not really his fault it is everyone involved. Put simply his behavior was encouraged, and when a bad behavior is encourage it’s the adult that is to blame in this situation. This reminds of another axiom another wise friend always told me….. Becareful what you wish for you might just get it. It seems whenever everyone leaves you and your “House” alone, every time I think of this concept this personally makes me chuckle. It would be amazing if your house, was actually yours, and not a hand-me-down… and before you mention 124, It was paid for in cash…. What can you say about your abode? Anyway.. back to wishing for things… You snipe from your keyboard. Harassing a terminally ill woman because you think your stronger, than she…

I must say you’re really clever…. Is that what that overpriced ivy-league wannabe junior college taught you…. O I can hear it now: classes to ensure the successful endeavor in matriculating here at LVC remember to always go for the multi-syllabic words because its much easy to convince your audience of your superior intellect, no wait you were doing this at 16. Yawn… no really I mean to say YAWN!!!

Anyway… its one thing to attack me… but my mother, what did she ever do to you… Going back to the theory that everyone lives in their own universe and the goal is not to let your universe intersect your I wanna know what creative way can retort this? She gave you exactly what you wanted and she still get shit? Why don’t you pick on somebody your own size bucky… whatzamatta? You like swimming in the kiddie pool cuz everytime you venture out your piss yourself and warm the water back up? Nothing you can say to me can hurt me. Because everything you say is meaningless. I have never met such a person that has no other outlet their anger like you do. What happens when I am gone… who can you be angry at then? At what point will you turn on your parents? How soon will that keystone crumbled to your “house” Then that will you blame? Your mirror must be pretty dirty to look at… All that pain and no outlet for it. I feel sorry for you. Sorry that you must live like this. Go ahead get angry with me… Threaten to kill me. Who says you wont be doing me a favor in the long run bucky?

I am really sorry If I bummed all of you out, But I really meant to write something more uplifting... however given the circumstance its hard to be uplifted when you have so much baggage to process.... Does anybody understand this? Does anybody read this... prolly not. Theres no metatags in this so I doubt its searchable. I have this to say... Why is it that I always have to go 1 million miles out of the way to get home? Do anybody have a good explanation of this?

Cleaning out a hard drive found the last post.
The blog has a new look and and a new title. This seemed to sound much better than the old one because I endeavor to believe that that period of my life is over.
This collision course that I set myself on starting in about August of 2002. (Nifty how it closely relates to the death of my grandparents.) Which in the case of some people that dont know:

I will relate the story: My grandfather died on June 28, 2002, from old age (92 years old) cosciencidentally we ended burying him exactly six years from the day We buried my father. The only fortunate thing about this was that I was already sheduled to arrive in Pennsylvania to drop off a PC that my uncle had me build. I just ended up leaving two days early. Fate also had a very interesting way of working itself out because I had luxury of bringing a friend with me to the funeral. I guess I should mention in the time leading up to this my mother had been serving as the primary care-giver for both my grandparents.(Along with the rest of her brothers and sisters) So I was not only trying to finish up a difficult semester at school, build a computer, but also I was taking care of her house as well as mine. Getting back to the events that eventually were the unraveling of me. My friend was able to take three additional days off to attend the funeral with me. So we ventured off the 13 hour drive from Chicago to Tremont PA. We are greeted by my mother and grandmother whom I should mention was diagnosed with the final stages of heart failure at the time and we were greeted with open arms. I looked in to my grandmother's already dim eyes and knew in my heart of hearts that she wasnt long for this world. Hindsight is ALWAYS 20-20. but my friend and I made the best of the visit.
Having not been the first funeral I had to attend/take part of, I knew that there was a certain level of madness that came with all of the events at hand... planning dinners, reading services etc. and having read at my father's funeral six years previously, I asked if could repeat the reading because the power of words somehow shined out like a beacon offering just a bit of comfort in a otherwise painful time.

Those of you know that I don not going around quoting the bible, but and I often have been quoted as saying that the bible is the "best piece of fiction ever written" But I have decided to include here the verse because I often wake up hearing it in my head... and sometimes forgot where to find it.(yes I must be getting old) so here goes:

There is an appointed time for everything, and a time for every affair under the heavens.

A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to uproot the plant.

A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to tear down, and a time to build.

A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.

A time to scatter stones, and a time to gather them; a time to embrace, and a time to be far from embraces.

A time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away.

A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to be silent, and a time to speak.

A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

What advantage has the worker from his toil?

I have considered the task which God has appointed for men to be busied about.

He has made everything appropriate to its time, and has put the timeless into their hearts, without men's ever discovering, from beginning to end, the work which God has done.

I recognized that there is nothing better than to be glad and to do well during life.

For every man, moreover, to eat and drink and enjoy the fruit of all his labor is a gift of God.

I recognized that whatever God does will endure forever; there is no adding to it, or taking from it. Thus has God done that he may be revered.

Sunday school lesson over now, back to my description of what I can only start to write to arrange the emotions in my head a nearly the two year anniversary of these events.

So I have the support of a very close friend, but I lost one of my closest cousins simultanously to the grief that he felt of my grandfathers death. I am only guessing at this because the six months previous to the Death of my grandparents I began to withdraw from everyone that I loved, My family, my friends, and It was like I was Noah and I was building my emotional ark to weather this familia shit storm that was about to take place.

I get extrodarialy angry with people who take pictures of the Dead lying in their final resting place. I believe that you should have remember the person when their soul is on this plane not looking at the empty carton left behind. I cringe everytime I accidentally reach for the photo envelope and come across a picture of a dead relative. The common excuse for this is closure, Whatever, I should not live in judgement but I guess thats just another one of my human frailites.

Getting back to the shit storm. My cousin's father insisted that we "bury the hatchet" and resolve what it was to be resolved. In this attempt I tried to gain the knowledge of what I did wrong and the best response I got was that I dont know...... My response to this was, "your not getting off that easy." I need to know because how I am to avoid this sitauation in the future. I only find out 18 months later it was communicated back to my uncle as I told my cousin that I was not going to leave him off that easy. Thats a subject for another post, REVISIONIST HISTORY.

Lets talk about July 12 for a minute. a day before it was set for us to drive back to Chicago. I was awoke from my bed with a shriek of horror in which I have only heard the tone once before. The morning my mother called me to Loyola Medical Center the day my dad died. I am reconstructing these events from here on out by stories of what was told to me, so if someone who reads this knows otherwise please let me know.

I slid down the stair on the balls of my feet and flew out to the patio that had become my grandparents bedroom. My mother was crying and sobbing in a way that I knew immediately what was wrong. she looked at me and begged me to Help my grandmother, who was laying on the bed.... luke warm and not breathing....
In a flash I just completed a semester of CPR/First Responder training and it kicked in.... I commanded my mother to dial 9-1-1 and instruct the dispatcher that there was someone that was performing CPR.... My mother choked out the words, and dropped the phone to help me drag my grandmother onto the floor. As we slid the 120 pound woman to the floor her head hit the ground with a loud thump! and cringed and began to asesss the situation.... I began preforming CPR... my mother returning to the phone while the dispatcher tried to calm my mother... My mom, told the dispatcher that she needed to call her family and she hung up.. My mom began dial and I could hear her in the background... I would look up from giving breathes and see another relative enter the room. I had to endure about 10 different looks of horror and tear from each one of my aunts uncles, and their spouses. Tears were pouring everywhere, and I was relentless.. I would bring her back no matter what....
The first couple of chest compressions I could feel her ribs break beneath my palms... the sound of cracking bones still haunt me late at night, because I was "hurting my grandma" but training snaps in and says that broken ribs are mendable, and older people have very brittle bones, and its very common occurance. This is first I have wrote these words out for public consumption, I have spoke about this to some people but this is for all to read. The tactile senstion of the broken bones somehow to this day feels like it was my spirit that was breaking. I dont think I will ever recover from this pain. I dont think I am supposed to. I think this "burden" is mine to carry around forever, I dont feel the need to seek abosultion but I do feel like the one time I could be there for my grandmother, I was not, I failed her. My emotional center somehow feels this whereas my ration mind realizes that I was there for her when she needed me, I was able to bear this burden for her to pass on.
My mother, all the while begged me to help her, and begged me to bring her back... this was going on in the back of my mind and I just turned into a machine, From recollection of other people that were there, I had been performing CPR for about 45 minutes before the abulance arrived. At which point my aunt Linda kneeled alongside me and asked what to do to help. Somehow I kept yelling at her to give rescue breathes..... in breath I feel The next memory I have is standing in front of my house on my cell phone calling my brother to tell him that my grandmother had passed. It was a warm July morning, and I can remember looking at my knuckles that were white, and thinking I was exhausted. I walked back inside as they loaded up my grandmother onto the gurnee... They attempted to wheel out this Very proud woman in her bra and panties, at which point my aunt brenda screamed at the EMT staff to cover her up... Please!! let her leave her house with dignity.

I flash to the ambulance pulling away and the mass exodus to hospital.. How do you get 25 plus people that have just lost their mother/grandmother/mother in law safely without someone else getting hurt. Arrangment made, and I was glad when musical chairs stopped that I had my own car to drive. In the midst of all of this I forgot about my friend upstairs... I climbled the stair, my legs like overstreched rubber bands and I collapsed into her arms. I didnt even form the words Shez gon.. before I released a sampling of the pain I just spent the past hour and 15 minutes absorbing. She agreed to goto the hospital with me and we were off.

The longest 11 miles of my life I drove that morning to the bleak entrance of the "local" hospital, I began to see the familar faces of all my relatives with a look of utter horror on their faces. My mother had alway raised us to show emotion and never bottle up any feelings. I entered the emergency room and to the left of the door was a holding area in which they had laid my grandmother out.

Very few images will be burned like that of my mother standing at my grandmother's head, crying. We all formed a circle around the center of our family. Hurt, confusion, pain, guilty, and anguish filled the room. I tried with all my being to be "strong" but the sight of my mother again so mortally wounded and me emotionally unable to ease her pain caused me release tears for so many reasons. Not necessarly for my grandmother, because I knew she was in a better place, but for her children who werent even begining to deal with the death of their father.

Ironically, my grandmother died exactly 1 min short of two weeks from grandmother. The quote, I will always remember her say after my grandfather died, was, "I am free at last" I can fill my church envelops without anyone telling that I am wrong.

Other moments of the morning that stick in my gullet was that of my uncle that sole concern was how we going to divide up the estate. It took ALL of my composure not the lay him out flat. To this day, I believe this man bears me ill will because I think he believes that I should have somehow saved his "mom". I keep hearing in my head, the quote,"everyone deals with grief differently" Well I guess he gets a pass... but still lingers these thoughts of anger two years later.

The organization of yet another funeral was on the horizon. To ease the pain of this event, A simple call was made to duplicate the funeral for my grandmother in the same way we did my grandfather. While the arrangements were being made, My friend and I returned to the house and I began to clean the house. When I walked into the room where my grandmother had laid, it look as if there was a struggle. I dont know where I got the strength to pull the room together but I made the bed and straighted out the rug and replaced the lap and pushed the displaced furniture back into place.
At this point, my aunt arrived to help clean the house, and as she was cleaning up the kitchen I called to her because I smelled the strongest odor in the world. ROSES, I scanned the room and there was NO cut flower in the house at all.. and I realized it was my grandmother thanking my for helping her crossover. My aunt and I looked at each other I put my arm around her shoulder and we both just took in the moment.

My grandmother was a devote Catholic and prayed to the Virgin Mary every day. Most of the members of my family believe that the roses were the virgin Mary coming for my grandmother, To this I say, if that is the belief you have I will let you continue with that because it is rooted in your faith, and its not my purpose to undermine your faith, but its my purpose to let you know that she is better than okay.

So my two week vacation has now strectched into three and half weeks. I am starting to really appreciate my friend who was able to workout staying another week. In retrospect without her there I would have not had a anchor to this experience, which I have somehow shortened to just saying the "funerals"

The week after the funeral, we travled back to Chicago and knew when I saw the Sears Tower from the Skyway that my life would forever be changed. I began to restructure my attitude to include a more selfish attitude toward life.

I was only home a short four days when My brother and I hopped back on a plane and suprised my mother for her 65th birthday back in pennsylvania. The whole family came over, (not very unusal considering the events of the past month) under the guys of helping pick a tombstone, my brother and I were the last to file in and we walked to the kitchen table and said I like this one. I should also mention that I called my mother from the upstair on my cellphone and told her that I was driving with my friend to get some dinner and she told me it was too loud to talk so she was hanging up. She looked at me, and my brother and started to bawl... Surprised was yelled and we ushered down to the backyard where we decorated it like a little kids party. Props to my brother for throwing this shindig.... After a month of sorrow, a little happiness was in order.

Topics of My grandparents house filtered throughout the family. I knew the day my grandmother died that the house would be ours. because we understood it, not its monitary value but its emotional value, and were willing to make the sacrifes to ensure its contiunation of its long standing tradition.

My did not return to Illinois for almost another two months. In that time she spent this time in the house that was my grandparents. I dont know what she experienced there but my mother was never the same after the "funerals" and each day since I have watch a piece of her die everyday.

One of the blackest nights I have ever seen was the night that I lost you forever. My dreams of the light shining forth to light the way home were gone. No place for me here. No time to spend without looking at a watch. Nothing more than a faint memory of time that when if could be that way it was. I am left here a shell of which I once was because I am alone. In body, spirit and mind. Its long road traveled to get here. My tale is not without woe, grief or anguish, but then again whose isn’t. Any attention to detail that I am paying is not for you benefit, but more for mine. When I am long gone and all that is left of me is pile of papers. The people I leave behind will know that I did care, I did believe and I will be okay no matter what becomes of me. I did learn how to love, even though it was only for an instant

Pardon the last post... a little bit a family feuding to take care of.

I always said I would never quote some cheesy lyric but here goes:
(and I should mention for the record that I really did like this song, I just had a hard time admitting it....)

I hear these two verses, and I choke up...


It's always times like these
When I think of you
And I wonder
If you ever
Think of me

'Cause everything's so wrong
And I don't belong
Living in your
Precious memories
........

And I, I
Don't want to let you know
I, I
Drown in your memory
I, I
Don't want to let this go
I, I
Don't....

like I said in my last post, you can never go home, thats not the point here, and theres probably not I time that this song to come on the radio that I dont think of a much simplier time, before manager to self distruct the best thing that ever happened to me. This isnt a attempt to anything other than to muse about the past. I sorry to see the poopfish get flushed. I am not trying to reinsert myself into a life in which I no longer belong, I just need to put information out like this. even if its ignored, read, flamed, etc... Its there, and like I said in more than one post this is an excerise for myself... a way to assemble the jigsaw puzzle of my mind. I find myself trying to set "right" all the wrongs of the past two years. Some I realize can never be fixed. Much like someone very close to me that is quite ill, I am cleaning house preparing for the big move.. (spiritually, ethirically, emotionally.
I have a lot of time to think about me. Something hasnt happened in a long time and it feels really good. I am having an emotional yard sale so I can get rid of the ugly orange shag carpeting emotions and Move in some nice hardwood floors. I am getting rid of my baggage for nobody but my self. Maybe with some renovation one day I can share my house with someone special.

I think the best part of all this is that my computer use is at a very minmun. My computer is in pieces and no longer boots all of my music etc, gone... for good so its back to the drawing board for that. I havent spoken on IM in a very long time, except when my mom logs onto her computer and my SN pops up. When I do logon, I never see any names I recognize. I assume for the protection of all involved names were changed to protect the innocencent. I would like to make it clear, I am not interested in hunt anyone down via IM, I want my life to have much more meaning than that. I know I was wrong and because of that I will not pester.

Today was very sad for another very close friend of mine. My favorite Rot was put to sleep tonight. She fought a good fight, but that wasnt enough. for those of you who knew Tazzy knew a finicky gasoeous Rott that stolen every boys' heart, I have to laugh in retrospective, Tazzy didnt like female competition, and were reminded of this every time I came for a visit.

I hope another cliche rings true in the wee hours of this moring.....


........ ALL Dogs goto HEAVEN.....

****This is not a effort to return..... I need to put this out for myself to read...... I am sorry

Wooo Who......

It less than two months since I made my last post.

Well here it goes.

Where to begin.. Well lets start with some typical cliches... You can NEVER go home. Its even harder when you get there and realize in less than heart beat why you left. I found myself back in Chicago to clear up a bit of business so I left my mountain home to come visit the corn belt. Lies of the past have uncovered themselves in such a way that the mere thought of them is more like a strong expresso at 3am the jagged little pill know as vicadin.

It took just a little less than two years for my family to spin off into non-existence. It just under five months I have been several topics of conversation, in how much I need to stay out of town. A very violent and libelous buddy profile was made available to me this evening and it completely changed the direction of this post. I want to mention to the White trash emulator (How many couches on yer frunt porch does it take to be considered a red neck?)in question that while I am making a conscience decision to live in Tremont, I could live anywhere in the World, I don't think he could say the same. He will be forever stuck in Tremont to carry on the family tradition of medicorcity. Can we say imbalance? Your absoultly correct in everything you said little boy. EVERYTHING is correct. I wish could be as smart as you. I hate to burst your bubble but the all the buttons you've attempted to push dont work anymore. I am much better person, and as you so Astute in pointing out my stature, Because thats nothing that I havent before. Weight can be lost, Attitudes can be modified, sucess can be achieved, when its done from within, the last year has taught me that. I wouldnt expect you to understand that, you too busy trying project the All the guilt you feel on the people that were there for you when the needed them... because whether your house rises or falls it doesnt affect my life in ONE bit.... Just consider this, the next time you want to pick on someone that is dying.... remember these days because when your on your death bed kharma willl revist you ten fold.

Wow, at the rate I am going I am averaging about two months between posts.

So much time has passed and no time to post, Not really, I think its more of the fact I dont live my life in front of a computer anymore, and that any time I do spend on the computer is not my own computer so I dont have the time or the artistic drive to compile my thoughts in a cohesive matter. Nonetheless, I still manage to journal and although not electronic, its in a brand new journal I received as a joke, bright red with a cartoon character that clearly states, "ITS ALL ABOUT ME..." was this a case of life imitating art or vicsa versa

Most of my family is suprised how non-internet deprived I feel. Not having a computer at all seems like it would be something I could not live without, but I find it almost a blessing in disgquise. Time is on my side again and it feels good to let old wounds heal themselves, Squibbles that I had nothing to do with I am putting to close, Things that have been troubling me seem to right themselves. I had a conversation yesterday with a cousin, Someone that is "gifted" and he confirmed all that I knew to be true. I am now at peace with the ideas that I always knew to be true. Two years of murmered words between our families about the "gift" came to a close within a hour or so of discussion.

The land of Corn, Com Theories and Ottos seems to be a hazy dream in which I often question who that person was? I have never seen a better case of the boiling frog than what I went through in the year of 2003. After running the full gammit of emotions in 2002 I somehow thought I was owed a bit of self indulgence. WOW was I wrong. I spent 2003 making all about me and I ending up starting 2004 with just that.... just me. Nobody else, My life became the inverse of itself almost overnight. Repair must come from within. Nobody else has responsiblity for my actions here. It seems popular to rewrite the events that lead to this and I how however, I am not going to bother. I cannot change what has happened, I can only pick up the pieces and learn from my mistakes.

The view from my bathroom window is timeless. A view of the mountainside, that is timeless as the rock that makes up the mountain itself. I consider its beauty as a blessing, something I dont think I would trade in for a urban setting, or that of a empty cornfield. Here I am anew, Here I do not have to make excuses for my failure, Here I am not scruntinized for having a grounded view of realism. Here, the view Welcomes me without judgement, something that is foreign to me.

Physically I feel different here, I am becoming a new person. Something the cornbelt was preventing I feel, whether it be from a matronly concern or my person demons. I have undergone my own process improvements. This process is like a new day. I feel my efforts paying off, its likely everyone else will to.

As for my Pop Psychology reference, It has nothing to which switch majors, or even the Dig at Communications as a major. I have always recognized the Business-lite path I took, that I need to defend myself, but Coms has always taken the "meat" of theory applied to useful everyday application and discarded the conjecture that was mostly ego driven. Pop Psychology is regarded something that is exactly that, For once the rocks being slung here were not directed at the lingustics, more of a recapped dialogue I once had.

Ditto on the last post. Ironically I have a tendency to forget about this blog. But after I post it seems to be the most saturates write here. 2003 much like 2002 was very trying in many ways. If I were to look back then and know what I know now there is several things I would have changed about it. But that's the good thing about the past, you cant change it, you just LEARN from it, and learn I have.

I would have thought that living through as much tragedy as I have had in my life, I would have been immune to its effects. Apparently that is incorrect. Every time its different. The circumstance in which you look each experience leads you to the next in which you tested in a different way. I guess the one blessing/curse I have in this is that I have the time to prepare, because when the time has come to for me to deal with this tragedy I will know that I have done all that I can to make the best of what time I have, versus, lamenting the time I don't.

The turn on events that have occurred in December allow me to have a moment of pause. Living out of Illinois made me realize some really important things. Things that your not presented with until they are gone. When it comes to taking your last breathe, and you revisit the events of your life, the race is with oneself.

I don't know how often even read this pharse of a journal or even if this for my own demons. I guess it really doesn't matter, I know this exists and that is all that matters.


I think its all a matter of prospective, and when the view is skewed, what once was great is now sinister, and what once was sinister is now great, Positive energy aside, Realism will win out, Pop psychology, empty rhetoric, and false icons are mere crutches to cloak ones' inadequate limited prospective on creation.

Emerson put it a bit more poetically when he said:

To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.

Wow, has it been a long time since I posted..... A multiplicity of things have worn on me to point of breaking, I am technically on a business trip right now to the deep south, which is supposed to be my future home. The problem is, it doesnt feel like home, it feels like a foreign country.

South Carolina can be described a different world beautiful and challenging, alas I dont think I am up for the emotional challenge that it presents to me. I have spent the first five days of my trip in a house that is very much like a FRAT HOUSE with a board room. Empty, and haunted by what I cannot decide, door slaming in the middle of night, window panes rattling at all hours. When the house was quiet I would think. I did alot of that. Think about the future and how to make it better. I also thought about the past and longed for the days I felt more alive. I smell patchouli and drift back to a time when goin out on a Friday night was as simple as a Cafe Mocha, and a leatherbound writing journal, to write about the latest tragedy. Who was that boy that blue eye sparkled for the thought of life? I know he is not dead. He may just be buried, but I think I need to unbury him and make him be a bigger part of who I AM.

The lonelest feeling in the world is to come home to an empty house, a house that could be full of support love, and joy, had it not be emptied by my selfishness and blind imaturity. But that is an issue I cannot control anyway.

Apparently someone has been threatened in the management department at my wouldbe home... I got repremanded for NOT having on a collared shirt and safety shoes, whereas my compatriots were and encourage to wear jeans w/holes. I was informed of this five minutes before the end of my maiden week, and when it was all over I wanted to get on the next flight and return home, Well, I would like to say that I did that... But I did the next best thing, I jumped in my unlimited mileage rental car and drove nine hours to Tremont. I suprised my aunt and uncle and I am currrently posting this from the supercomputer that I built a summer ago. I have never felt so much more welcome at peace than I do here. I wanted to stay in our home in Tremont, but I stayed here instead. My aunt and uncle knew I was here to heal. They all did. thats why I am here now. they wanted me to stay here so I didnt have to deal with opening up the house for just a couple hours, but I am here to renew.. it will have to be refreshed quick about it, but I must say I am feeling the effects already. I pulled into town and drove past the houses of everyone I that I care about and I started to cry, A rarity indeed for me. To admit this I just cant say why its okay to say here. maybe I am looking for something that is lost, maybe I am looking to be found in either case. I knew this is where I belong in this moment. My goal is to be clarified, know who I am not. and weed out all that that I left here for the cleansing. revist the wounds that need to be healed and not ignored so that my life again can be whole.

I had a great awakening today. I realized today that I was expect the world to have the same ability to sense what is going on in my head, and then get angery because they didnt get it right. I was the so blind to this. I feel now that I have this precious piece of knowledge I can move forward in all things because I need to

I got tired of the old tag line. Its all about Me. Because it really was not. It was everyone, and anyone that I had the pleasure of coming across in my life. So now I call this what it is.... An honest attempt.